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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to withdraw DS from nursery after DSD treated horribly over work experience?

111 replies

TightlineTina · 08/07/2018 21:13

Hey everyone...

I'm just after some advice really.

DSD was due to start work experience next week at DS2 nursery. She went there on Friday as instructed by her contact to have an induction there and was basically told to get lost. The owner was rude to her, humiliated her and then marched her out of the door. She said she had never heard of her, patronized her then dismissed her out of the door saying she had a business to run.

The kid is devastated.

I've been using the nursery for years at considerable expense and I am quite upset at the way she has been treated.

This was a placement she had sorted out herself without mentioning me or DH as she wanted to achieve it on her own.

She has had letters from the nursery confirming her place and has had conversations with them numerous times on the phone. Her contact who told her to go in was on holiday so she wasn't there either.

I have offered to ring the nursery tomorrow to find out why she was treated that way and see if it was just a mix up. DSD said she will not go there for work experience anyway now as she would be too uncomfortable and has also said it has put her off working in any nursery in the future.

DSD is a lovely girl and my heart breaks for her. She is quite shy and it took a lot for her to do this on her own and now her confidence is shattered to pieces. She had been and bought herself all new clothes for this and now has to go to school all week instead.

So....AIBU to withdraw DS over this...a miscommunication I could totally understand but DSD is not prone to overdramatics and is clearly very upset about it all.

All advice totally welcome and appreciated

OP posts:
claraschu · 09/07/2018 07:22

I think the owner sounds unnecessarily rude and unpleasant, just "saying she had a business to run"; that detail gives a flavour of the tone and is not something your dsd would have imagined. It must have been 100% obvious to the owner what was going on, that this was a shy 15-year-old acting on good faith, not a dangerous threat. To me it is very eye opening when people in a position of authority treat young people like this.

OP, I also think that you very quickly become apologetic and shame-faced when people jump on you a bit, as happened on this thread. You seem very kind hearted and understanding, but also possibly like you might not be assertive enough when stating your point of view.

If I were you, I would tell the nursery owner clearly that your dsd had letters confirming her placement, follow up phone conversations, and a clear appointment to come in on Friday, that she is a shy child, who took pride in arranging this herself. Then I would mention very specifically how your dsd was treated, with no exaggeration, with a specific quote if possible "I have a business to run". Explain how upsetting this is for a shy 15-year-old, who has never done anything like this before. I think if you are polite and don't exaggerate, but very clear and unapologetic in your description of events, it might get the owner to think over what happened.

AlbertaSimmons · 09/07/2018 07:23

None of this makes sense. Who did the letters come from if not the owner and was that person authorised to agree a placement? Have you, as the parents, seen the letters? Why hasn't the school done what they are supposed to do and confirmed the placement with the nursery? Kids don't just go off willy-nilly on work experience without the school having all the details and risk-assessed the scenario, even if the kid has arranged the placement themselves. And nobody from a nursery where your child is cared for has mentioned this placement to you at all? There's a rabbit away here OP.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/07/2018 07:34

Sounds like the information wasn't communicated properly. Some people are crap at handovers.

AJPTaylor · 09/07/2018 07:41

i think there may be a difference between what happened and how DSD felt about it.
i would try and fix it for her if i were you.

Juells · 09/07/2018 07:43

If the person who arranged it was on holiday, and there was no information left for the person in charge, I don't see how else the matter could have been handled.

I honestly think you're making too much of it, and allowing your DD to turn it into a big deal. There was a mix-up. Send her in today.

restie · 09/07/2018 07:45

I would worry also from a handover point of view, if the team were not told about a work experience student coming in, would they remember to hand over important info regarding one of the children? miscommunication could lead to serious outcomes. Feel sorry for your DSD...x

ZoeWashburne · 09/07/2018 07:51

So just from the flip side: would you be OK with an unauthorised person loitering around the nursery because they said they had a placement, even when the owner hadn't heard of them? Because I certainly wouldn't.

It sounds like the person who authorised it didn't have the authority to do so or there was an admin mistake. Therefore she was sent home in order to figure it out. I once turned up for a job interview and found that HR had scheduled me on the wrong day and the person was out of the office. I went back a few days later when it was sorted, got the job, and everyone was lovely and great to work for.

I think the bigger thing you need to work on is why one (very minor) set back will make your daughter throw the baby out with the bathwater. You need to speak to her about resilience and professionalism, and why just because she had one frustrating experience she shouldn't tar an entire company or even industry with this. Not wanting to work in a nursery ever again is overdramatic. That is her decision, but she is going to walk away from a lot of jobs if one admin mistake makes her quit.

Pigflewpast · 09/07/2018 07:54

claraschu has written a good post at 07.22 today OP

Imchlibob · 09/07/2018 08:08

Given that a child can't have a DBS certificate I am not sure how this ought to work for safeguarding.

The person who corresponded with your dsd and made arrangements for her to go in on a day they wouldn't be there and didn't tell other people to expect her is to blame for all this. They are clearly an individual who is not to be trusted.

Although the owner was clearly brusque and possibly unkind they didn't really do anything wrong given that they had no evidence that they were supposed to be expecting dsd.

Whether or not to withdraw your ds depends on how much the obvious incompetence of that individual is likely to affect the care received by and the safety of your son. If it won't have a huge effect then don't withdraw him.

Willow2017 · 09/07/2018 08:10

How on earth do they run a business if communication with dsd and school are not communicated and documented? This was all organised and approved yet nobody else knew?
I would be asking why. And it would make me question thier communication methods.

There was no need to be so rude. The person could have checked up about dsd it would only have taken a few minutes. The paperwork will be there somewhere.

Why on earth would it be a problem to do work exp in a nursery? How on earth do we encourage kids into work if we dont let them experience it first. Not everyone is cut out for childcare but many teens both male and female are excellent with little kids. We need to encourage those that are interested being totally dismisssive of someone who organised this on her own showing keen interest was a bad move on thier part.

Juells · 09/07/2018 08:19

There was no need to be so rude.

A shy fifteen-year-old may have misread brusqueness as rudeness.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 09/07/2018 08:25

This was all organised and approved yet nobody else knew?
I would be asking why. And it would make me question their communication methods.

I agree with this I would be very concerned that in the whole nursery only the 1 person who happened to be there knew about her coming in for work experience. Shock

The school will have contacted them and surely they would have discussed it with the rest of the team so they knew to expect another person in the Nursery next week?

I am however most concerned that it was the Nursery owner who had no idea she was coming in for the week. Did the contact not clear it with her? Who sent the letters and communicated with the school it cant have all been this one person? This part would raise alarm bells about how much or little she knew about what was happening in her own Nursery.

NotTakenUsername · 09/07/2018 08:31

She has had letters from the nursery confirming her place and has had conversations with them numerous times on the phone. Her contact who told her to go in was on holiday so she wasn't there either.

Did she bring copies of the letters along with her? If not, that’s a definite life lesson, and if so, what did the owner say about them?

SnuggyBuggy · 09/07/2018 08:37

Restie, that's what I was thinking, say your child has an allergy or needs medication and their key worker is off, I'd be concerned that no one would bother to let the person covering know.

Smurf123 · 09/07/2018 08:50

A child can get a police check certificate
.. As a childminder anyone living in house over the age of 10 needs to be police checked and certificate same as any adult. 11 year old son has to get it done.

Mindchilder · 09/07/2018 09:03

What country are you in Smurf? In England it's only childminder's family over 16.

Greenday49 · 09/07/2018 09:22

I would speak to the school first. Via email so it's documented. Lack of communication within a nursery would be alarm bells for me, of course we all make mistakes and forget things but this seems very slap dash and I'd worry how they were treating my child.

Also shy or not, a fifteen year old I'm sure would have been miffed/confused but not upset had the owner said ' I'm ever so sorry love but X hasn't told me about you coming in, can you let me speak to them and come back another day?' OR 'work experience? What school do you go to? Do you have your letters? Etc etc'.
And I agree if she did have her letters with her, did she not think to show them? And if she didn't, yes, life lesson.

My niece did work experience in a nursery. I'm not sure what the poster who said 'what ever' meant.

Snowysky20009 · 09/07/2018 09:33

Stupid question but did she contact and communicate with the RIGHT nursery? Not another nursery with the same or similiar name?

Willow2017 · 09/07/2018 09:37

Smurf in Scotland its 16. So may not apply in ops case.

comedycentral · 09/07/2018 10:38

I presume she wouldn't need a DBS as she wouldn't be unsupervised. Therefore she doesn't need one under DBS guidelines.

MsMotherOfDragons · 09/07/2018 10:44

Gosh, a lot of posters here are doubting the work experience and minimising the experience of OP's step-daughter.

First of all, it's very common to do work experience or volunteering in early years settings -- no DBS is required (in nurseries or in schools) providing the visitor is always with a member of staff and never has unsupervised access to the children.

Secondly, whatever OP's words, obviously her DSD was really upset by the encounter and this doesn't sound right. It's all very well to talk about resilience but it sounds as if the manager handled it really insensitively (rather than apologising for the mix-up or offering to look into it).

I'd be tempted to withdraw my child. I realise it sounds like an over-reaction but you can tell a lot from how somebody treats other people, especially people without power in a situation (like, how a date treats the waiters etc). I'm not sure I'd want my children around somebody who had a tendency to behave like that and I'd worry that it would set the tone for the culture at the nursery.

Sparkletastic · 09/07/2018 10:48

My 15 year DD is starting her week's work experience in a local nursery today and has been welcomed with kindness and enthusiasm by the manager. I hope it works out just as well for your DSD OP

Andro · 09/07/2018 10:50

A shy fifteen-year-old may have misread brusqueness as rudeness.

Part of being an adult is being able to adjust your tone and manner to fit the situation.

A firm but gentle tone, an acknowledgement that there seems to have been a breakdown in communication and apology that the information could not be checked due to staff absence would not have been difficult.

Ninabean17 · 09/07/2018 10:55

I hope this all gets sorted, it'll be a great experience for your dsd. Have you spoken to them yet?

Original poster
TightlineTina · 09/07/2018 12:31

Hi everyone...

All sorted. I have spoken with nursery and it was as pp have said a communication error. She was very apologetic. DSD is there so all's well that end well.

Thanks for your input it was appreciated.

Just a word to clarschu...I think you might be right 're me being not great at getting my point across myself do that is something I should work in.

Thanks mumsnet for hearing me out!

OP posts: