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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Daughter’s birthday party

78 replies

FapandSnart · 07/07/2018 13:42

DD is 7 soon and we want to throw her a birthday party, we’ve had a really bad year and have just come out of it so I want her to have a fun day as she has been through so much with us. It’s not going to be a massive thing, just a picnic and playing in the back garden type.

I’ve asked her to make a list of school friends she wants to invite. There are 12 other girls in the class and she wants to invite 10 of them. The two she has left of is because she knows I don’t like them. She doesn’t want to upset anyone but she is worried they would behave badly.

These two girls have terrorised the other girls in the class this year. One has been angry and violent towards the kids since reception.

At my daughter’s 5th birthday party she was calling all the girls ugly and was hitting them all whilst her mother just sat there ignoring her on the phone. She hits all the time and my daughter has come home from school with bruises and scratches all over her face. We’ve handled it with the school properly and it seems to have calmed down a bit.

The other girl used to be ok sometimes but this past year she has started behaving terribly to all the other girls. At a recent birthday party she was hitting everyone and she spat in my daughter’s face. I like her Mum and her Mum punished her for what had happened.

I feel really guilty about the prospect of not inviting those two, I was bullied and excluded from these things at school and I would hate to cause any upset to a young child. But their behaviour is just so terrible and I don’t want my daughter’s birthday to be ruined by the two girls acting that way.

So my long winded question is AIBU to jot invite 2 girls out of 12 to my daughter’s birthday party? I’m happy to be told IBU if I am. I don’t want to teach my daughter unkindness but I don’t want to teach her that turning the other cheek all the time isn’t always the right thing to do.

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 07/07/2018 13:46

I think YABU.
Invite them, but say that a parent must stay, and if they are badly behaved they will be asked to leave.

Cloudyapples · 07/07/2018 13:49

I think yanbu - you’ve had a hard year and want to give your daughter a special day to celebrate her birthday. It won’t be enjoyable for either of you if these girls are there causing upset.

ReservoirDogs · 07/07/2018 13:56

Actions have consequences. Don't invite them. If their parents ask why - tell them!

follybodger · 07/07/2018 13:59

It's not a school related activity. You have the choice to invite to your home who you wish

Don't invite them and enjoy the party. I wouldn't invite them and have left badly behaved kids off party invites before.

You're over thinking this and are NBU

everythingelseisalreadytaken · 07/07/2018 14:01

If it was just the second child, with a mum who is trying to curb the behaviour , I would say let them come with adult supervision specified on the invitation.

But with the first one who has a parent who doesn't care, I wouldn't invite her and I don't think you can really invite 11 out of 12 girls in the class. So I'd say not both of them.

Could your DD maybe have a smaller sleepover or trip to the cinema or something with a smaller group of girls ?

LagunaBubbles · 07/07/2018 14:04

Yanbu I dont understand this invite all mentality even if some of the children are nasty and horrible to your own child. What on earth message does it send to your child if you insist they invite bullies, someone who has spat in their face etc. Forget that. Wouldn't have them there in the first place, never mind remove them if they are badly behaved. It wouldn't spoil it by that point anyway.

LagunaBubbles · 07/07/2018 14:04

Would spoil it.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 07/07/2018 14:06

If she doesn't want them there then don't invite them, it's her day.

I let mine invite who they liked and only insisted on any return invites where they had been to other children's parties as good manners to return the invite.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2018 14:16

I woukd not invite them, to your home too. Yes they have to realise actions have consequences.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2018 14:17

You invited them to yiur dd birthday party previously, their behaviour was bad, they are still behaving the same.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 07/07/2018 14:21

If they are badly behaved they will be asked to leave

This is easy to say but not so easy to do in reality. Not everyone is that confident. I think most people in RL would find it very difficult to eject a child from a birthday party once it's already in progress.

chocolateworshipper · 07/07/2018 14:21

YANBU and neither is your daughter

category12 · 07/07/2018 14:25

Excluding 2 out of 12 in the same class isn't kind. These girls are only 6 or 7 too. Have a smaller party or invite everyone.

ittakes2 · 07/07/2018 14:25

I think you have tried and it hasn't worked out. I would not invite them...but I also think it's important that your daughter does not hand out invitations to the other girls in front of them. I usually just email parents to invite to parties to overcome the hurt other children feel that they have not been invited.

KokoandAllBall · 07/07/2018 14:26

ReservoirDogs has it right. If you fold and invite them, you can't really complain if/when you get the bad behaviour again. If they don't face consequences, they'll never change.

Ethylred · 07/07/2018 14:27

Leave them out and believe in yourself for doing so.
Sending you a virtual spine-stiffener right now.

KokoandAllBall · 07/07/2018 14:29

Excluding 2 out of 12 in the same class isn't kind.

One of them spat in her child's face. One of them hits her child.

I'd rather have no party than invite my child's bullies.

JustJoinedRightNow · 07/07/2018 14:29

YANBU, it sends a strong message to your DD that you’ve got her back and won’t allow misbehaved children at your parties.

If they don’t want to feel left out, they should treat their peers at school kindly and with respect. Don’t misbehave and then expect their bad behaviour to be rewarded with invites to parties.

It’s as simple as that. If their parents query it, tell them the truth.

Iloveacurry · 07/07/2018 14:30

I wouldn’t invite them. But do you need to invite all of the 10 other girls? It wouldn’t look so bad if you invite say 6 of them and some boys too.

FanSpamTastic · 07/07/2018 14:30

I think if they were 5 and in reception it might be a bit unreasonable. But you have invited them before and they misbehaved. They are now 7 - if they don't see that their actions have consequences then when will they learn?

So YANBU.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2018 14:30

Why should the dd have a smaller party just because of these two girls. If people keep tiptoeing around bad behaviour, they will never learn. You are mean, so don't get invited to parties.

SmellyNelly2018 · 07/07/2018 14:39

DD often had house party’s at that age and only invited who she wanted out of a class of 24 or 26 she would usually only want to invite 6 or 7 8 which was a mixed group of girls and boys until she got older then it was a group of 4, 5 or 6 nicer better behaved less nasty girls that she would want to invite.
I can’t remember at what age parents started sloping off but the last thing you want is these two girls in the mix.

happypoobum · 07/07/2018 14:41

YANBU

It's her birthday. Let her have who she wants. She has good reason for excluding these girls.

IStillDrinkCava · 07/07/2018 14:43

We've tried the smaller party to avoid this and it was not nice. The child DD had wanted to exclude was hurt anyway at not being included in the 6. I don't think she would have been very comforted by 4 others not being invited too. Of the other 4 who were dropped, I bet some found out and felt a bit hurt as DD was friends with all of them. I can see why people suggest it as a solution but I'm not a fan.

I'm not convinced children know or care whether 1,2 or 15 children haven't been invited. My son only had one party invitation last year and neither he nor I have any clue how many others didn't get invited to each party. Distributing invitations tactfully, maybe by text or direct betwen parents, would be kind.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/07/2018 14:45

Let her invite who she wants. If a badly behaved brat has to be frogmarched off the premises, the party will already have been spoiled for your dd. Awaits censure for use of “brat”...

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