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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Daughter’s birthday party

78 replies

FapandSnart · 07/07/2018 13:42

DD is 7 soon and we want to throw her a birthday party, we’ve had a really bad year and have just come out of it so I want her to have a fun day as she has been through so much with us. It’s not going to be a massive thing, just a picnic and playing in the back garden type.

I’ve asked her to make a list of school friends she wants to invite. There are 12 other girls in the class and she wants to invite 10 of them. The two she has left of is because she knows I don’t like them. She doesn’t want to upset anyone but she is worried they would behave badly.

These two girls have terrorised the other girls in the class this year. One has been angry and violent towards the kids since reception.

At my daughter’s 5th birthday party she was calling all the girls ugly and was hitting them all whilst her mother just sat there ignoring her on the phone. She hits all the time and my daughter has come home from school with bruises and scratches all over her face. We’ve handled it with the school properly and it seems to have calmed down a bit.

The other girl used to be ok sometimes but this past year she has started behaving terribly to all the other girls. At a recent birthday party she was hitting everyone and she spat in my daughter’s face. I like her Mum and her Mum punished her for what had happened.

I feel really guilty about the prospect of not inviting those two, I was bullied and excluded from these things at school and I would hate to cause any upset to a young child. But their behaviour is just so terrible and I don’t want my daughter’s birthday to be ruined by the two girls acting that way.

So my long winded question is AIBU to jot invite 2 girls out of 12 to my daughter’s birthday party? I’m happy to be told IBU if I am. I don’t want to teach my daughter unkindness but I don’t want to teach her that turning the other cheek all the time isn’t always the right thing to do.

OP posts:

Emma198 · 07/07/2018 16:47

Why should her daughter not have some friends there if she likes them just to try and save the feelings of the bullies?

Sounds like she deserves a lovely party with everyone she wants there and no one who will spoil it. Hope she has a wonderful time.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2018 16:51

The decision is made, no to them at the party, and quite rightly so. They sounds like they are mean bullies, who do not deserve an invitation just to spare their feelings, what about dd and other children's feelings, don't they count! To invite them, would be not supporting your dd, and she might well be anxious and on edge at her party.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2018 16:53

Your mean so don't get invited to parties, that's life, and that is how it worked when I was in primary school 35 years ago, its only now in this cotton wool times that bullies feelings have to be spared. Hand the invitations out discretely, if the parents ask, just tell them the truth, that their children are mean to your dd.

Isawthelight · 07/07/2018 17:23

YANBU. No way would I have those girls in my home.

Lalliella · 07/07/2018 23:16

OP you are such a lovely person to want to be inclusive and consider the feelings of these girls even though they are bullies. But think about the message it would be giving to them - behave exactly how you like and you still get invited. And think about the impact on your DD and her proper friends, having these bullies foisted upon them. No, the bullies are old enough to learn that their actions have consequences. It’s the fairest thing for everyone.

WhiteWalkerWife · 07/07/2018 23:35

Yanbu at all to not invite your dd, and her friend's, abusers. Ywbvu to do so and would send the message that you should bend over backwards and they might no longer abuse.

Putting up with bullies, being forced too, can lead to some people learning they should put up with abuse. Then if their partner abuses them, it's ingrained in them to stay.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 07/07/2018 23:53

Please don’t invite them. Just text all the other mums on the quiet and get everyone else invited. That way it won’t get discussed at school. It’ll quickly get forgotten about afterwards too. The bullies won’t get to spoil the party but there won’t be any nastiness over it at school.

HeddaGarbled · 08/07/2018 00:00

Would she want to invite some of the boys from her class as well? That way, it’s not so obvious that it’s 2 out of 12 girls being omitted but approx half the class.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/07/2018 00:03

Op should have the party dd wants, maybe she would not want boys there, it is up to her. These girls are mean, so don't get invited.

LagunaBubbles · 10/07/2018 08:38

Excluding 2 out of 12 in the same class isn't kind

Right but bullying, physical violence and spitting are kind acts eh?
I despise this view, invite the poor wee bullies or its not kind. No. You're wrong, putting your own child first is the right thing to do.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 10/07/2018 09:04

If your dd doesn't want to invite them then don't.

PirateWeasel · 10/07/2018 09:13

You're not overthinking, you're being pragmatic and sensible. I 100% agree with the other posters who say don't invite them. Bullying should never be tolerated. If either of the girls or their mums kick off, you have the best reason in the world for your decision. Stick by it and don't get guilt-tripped. As a PP said, actions have consequences. If these girls bully other children, they will end up with no friends. Simples.

Myotherusernameisbest · 10/07/2018 09:29

YANBU. They were invited to previous parties and their behaviour was awful so totally acceptable to say they are not coming. They are not toddlers anymore and at 7 are fully capable of managing their behaviour.

A birthday party is supposed to be a special event all about the person whose birthday it is. So they can feel extra special for that one day. Don't risk these girls ruining that for your dd.

brummiesue · 10/07/2018 09:32

If someone spat in my childs face or scratched them there is no way in hell I would be inviting them into my home.

PorkFlute · 10/07/2018 09:36

I wouldn’t leave 2 girls out. I’m sure your dd doesn’t have 10 best friends in the class. Just do something with her little group of best friends whoever they are.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 10/07/2018 09:46

First girl and her mother sound pretty dreadful. I would be more uncomfortable about not inviting the second girl, the one whose behaviour used to be fine and whose own mother doesn't tolerate her bad behaviour.

Tbh, at this age I think I would ultimately invite both of them as I am not really a fan of the "whole class party excluding one or two" model, but I'd be absolutely prepared to come down like a ton of bricks on any bad behaviour. I wouldn't say this if they were a bit older, but they are only 7 so quite young children still, and they will be in your house where you are in charge. Any early sign of trouble and I would yank them straight out of the party room for a very stern word, and they would be being told that a second incident would involve waiting in another room until a parent came and pick them up, and that they would never be invited to another party ever again.

As for what you are showing your DD, I would think of it more as reassuring her that adults are not helpless in the face of children's bad behaviour, and that that behaviour can be appropriately managed and controlled by the adults in authority. It sounds as if her own preference is to invite them, it's more that she knows you don't want them there. So for her sake as much as theirs, I would invite them and manage them if necessary. I would guess that the first girl may actually be easier to deal with without her own (crap) mother present. It's hard to tell off a badly-behaved child when their mum is in the room, smiling and ignoring.

henpeckedinchief · 10/07/2018 09:54

Normally I am very much in the 'invite everyone' camp when it comes to parties but actually this situation is a bit different - these aren't just girls your DD doesn't happen to get on with, they are girls who have behaved appallingly to her and spat in her face! That's really unacceptable.

I think under the circumstances you don't have to invite them - but I would be respectful about it. Don't hand invitations out at school where it will be clear to the girls that they aren't invited. And while your DD obviously doesn't have to hide the fact that she's having a party, she should be asked not to openly discuss it in front of these girls. If I were you I might also have a quick word with her teacher so she knows your reasons for the decision in case it leads to any difficulties either from these children or their parents.

MummaMinnie · 10/07/2018 10:40

"YANBU, it sends a strong message to your DD that you’ve got her back and won’t allow misbehaved children at your parties."

This

StepBackNow · 10/07/2018 10:44

YANBU.

Don't invite them. It's a weird world where you are expected to invite people who don't like you and who you don't like to a celebration. Madness.

Both have been violent, that's reason enough.

DaisyLand · 10/07/2018 10:50

Yanbu

“Don't invite them. It's a weird world where you are expected to invite people who don't like you and who you don't like to a celebration. Madness.”

^ this. If it was an adult party nobody would care whether it’s 1 or 2 not invited but seems that with children this doesn’t apply ... acts have got consecuentes and if their parents are not willing to address them then it’s their choice. It’s your dd day so she should have there who she wants

Ionlylookatthepictures · 10/07/2018 10:52

YANBU. If their mothers ask why, tell them. Why is everyone so afraid of pussyfooting about and hurting people these days? Equally there are some horrible aggressive people about (just been reading the thread about the mner being pushed off a train) and it’s because we tolerate these vile bullies from an early age. Spitting, hitting, scratching, biting... NONE of this is acceptable. If you invite them you are telling your dd that a) such behaviour is ok and b) their feelings override hers, despite them being horrible to her. Man up and be the adult in this situation Op.

Girls especially have to be taught that sometimes it’s ok to put their foot down and expect to be treated in an acceptable fashion.

Ionlylookatthepictures · 10/07/2018 10:53

I’m fact not sometimes but ALWAYS it is ok to expect decent treatment and respect.

SmileSweetly · 10/07/2018 11:14

I'm going to go against the majority here.

I think it's unkind to exclude just 2 girls out of 10, it's very hurtful being left out like that, they are only little girls at the end of the day.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 10/07/2018 11:30

I would put money on the first girl you mentioned being abused at home. The mother not doing anything is telling too. There are probably serious issues at home. That absolutely doesn't mean this means your DD should have her party ruined, as you can't make it your problem, but I do feel for the little girl. Both of them.

smile15 · 10/07/2018 11:32

SmileSweetly

If they'd not bullied OP's DD it would be very unkind but they have. Schools don't allow kids on school trips etc because of the same behaviour, is that unfair?

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