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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Daughter’s birthday party

78 replies

FapandSnart · 07/07/2018 13:42

DD is 7 soon and we want to throw her a birthday party, we’ve had a really bad year and have just come out of it so I want her to have a fun day as she has been through so much with us. It’s not going to be a massive thing, just a picnic and playing in the back garden type.

I’ve asked her to make a list of school friends she wants to invite. There are 12 other girls in the class and she wants to invite 10 of them. The two she has left of is because she knows I don’t like them. She doesn’t want to upset anyone but she is worried they would behave badly.

These two girls have terrorised the other girls in the class this year. One has been angry and violent towards the kids since reception.

At my daughter’s 5th birthday party she was calling all the girls ugly and was hitting them all whilst her mother just sat there ignoring her on the phone. She hits all the time and my daughter has come home from school with bruises and scratches all over her face. We’ve handled it with the school properly and it seems to have calmed down a bit.

The other girl used to be ok sometimes but this past year she has started behaving terribly to all the other girls. At a recent birthday party she was hitting everyone and she spat in my daughter’s face. I like her Mum and her Mum punished her for what had happened.

I feel really guilty about the prospect of not inviting those two, I was bullied and excluded from these things at school and I would hate to cause any upset to a young child. But their behaviour is just so terrible and I don’t want my daughter’s birthday to be ruined by the two girls acting that way.

So my long winded question is AIBU to jot invite 2 girls out of 12 to my daughter’s birthday party? I’m happy to be told IBU if I am. I don’t want to teach my daughter unkindness but I don’t want to teach her that turning the other cheek all the time isn’t always the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/07/2018 14:47

The worrying aspect for me though is that she doesnt want to invite them because she knows YOU dont like them not her. And then she would be worried how they behave because of YOU

That is an awful lot to put on your daughters shoulders

sexnotgender · 07/07/2018 14:48

YANBU, it’s your home so you get to invite whoever the hell you want.
I’m buggered if I’ll be inviting children that are awful to my child to any party they have.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2018 14:48

Op does she want to invite them or not. What does she want

Returnofthesmileybar · 07/07/2018 14:49

No way should you invite them! There is a huge difference leaving a child out for no reason, which is not nice and leaving a child out because they hit and spit - fuck that! If someone hit and spat at me they would never get passed my front door much less have them at my party because the PC brigade will think I am mean. Do NOT have them at the party

Isleepinahedgefund · 07/07/2018 14:49

I’d normally say you can’t leave out two out of the class, but I think you can in this circumstance because they have been physically violent to your DD. I think this also because it’s a situation which has got serious enough for the school to have become involved. You shouldn’t feel obliged to let this come out of the school playground and into your DD’s home, which should be where she can feel safest at all times.

Sorry for the mum with the kid who spat in your DD’s face (!!) but at 6/7 it’s the kid’s choice who comes to their party, it’s not based on which children have parents you like as it is when they’re smaller. I’m sure there are good reasons why the child’s behaviour has deteriorated, but this is not your concern and before anyone says it, you don’t have to be all social services and invite her to the party just in case you affect her emotional development blah blah blah, just look at the behaviour she exhibited and look after your own child

As for the one who chooses to ignore her child being a thug - no reason for you to reward the child for being a thug, especially as her parent isn’t bothered about disciplining her.

At this age I’d be surprised if any parents expected to stay with their kids, I think you’re better off not inviting than having the potentially very awkward situation of insisting the parent stay, having to explain why, then getting shirty about it etc etc.

charlestonchaplin · 07/07/2018 14:50

If you want to be kind you could invite the two girls for a birthday play date before the party. Closely supervise them, keep it short and send them home with a simple party bag. Probably not a great idea but you'll know you've done the best you can in the circumstances.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2018 14:50

Can't imagine op dd wanting to invite children whobhit and spit at her.

BewareOfDragons · 07/07/2018 14:51

Under the circumstances, I would say don't invite them. BUT don't hand out the invitation at school.

flumpybear · 07/07/2018 14:54

I'm with @BewareOfDragons - keep it low key and not s school thing, but be prepared to answer honestly if the mum says anything

bellinisurge · 07/07/2018 14:59

@BewareOfDragons is right.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/07/2018 15:06

I also think it’s fine to just have the 10. Your dd is old enough to understand that invitations need to be distributed kindly and discreetly, just as the other two 7 yr olds are old enough to understand that hitting and spitting isn’t kind & doesn’t make you friends.
You shouldn’t need to justify yourself. The other mothers ought to be sufficiently aware to understand why but, if you have to, I think it’s reasonable to say “dd is still feeling upset/sensitive about what happened ....”

Failingat40 · 07/07/2018 15:12

Yanbu. Just don't flash the invites round the school.

The two girls mothers won't know how many have/have not been invited and it sounds as if they'd have a hard neck anyway to complain.

Fivelittleduckies · 07/07/2018 15:16

YANBU - why does she have to invite everyone? Invite who your daughter wants and don’t give it a second thought.

RafikiIsTheBest · 07/07/2018 15:22

I think 10 is a nice round number so you can get DD to say she was only allowed to invite 10 people if anyone says anything to her unless she is happy to say "you hit/spit/are mean to me" or it doesn't go down well.

I think 10 children (plus your own) is more than enough for a party at home unless you have a massive house.

Lalliella · 07/07/2018 15:25

YABU for even considering inviting a girl who bruised and scratched your DD and a girl who spat in her face. YADNBU to exclude them. I wouldn’t care if they knew they were the only 2 not going, it gives them the message that they can’t just behave how they like and get rewarded for it. And if the mums ask, tell them.

upsideup · 07/07/2018 15:27

YANBU, Invite whoever you want to her party. I dont even question who my children arent inviting and how many of them arent invited.
Why should children have to invite children who are nasty to them to their house for their own party? adults would never have to do it

EmUntitled · 07/07/2018 15:28

YANBU at 7 she is old enough to have an opinion on who does or doesn't come to her party. Those girls sound awful.

Maybe they will feel bad being the only ones not invited. Maybe that might make them think a bit about how their behaviour affects others.

Lindy2 · 07/07/2018 15:37

My DD doesn't get invited to parties as she has SEN. She isn't disliked but she doesn't have more than 1 or 2 friends. It does make me as a mum rather sad when I know she is repeatedly missed out.
If these 2 girls are just not very friendly I can see why you want to leave them out and I think you're right. If you think their friendship diffuliuculties might be SEN related then maybe a bit of tollerance would be kind.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 07/07/2018 15:41

I dont understand this invite all mentality even if some of the children are nasty and horrible to your own child. What on earth message does it send to your child if you insist they invite bullies, someone who has spat in their face etc

I agree.

I'm usually the one shouting 'but they're only 7!' etc. and being 'nice' about it all, but I have zero tolerance with managing bullying behaviour.

Show your DD that you support her. You're not doing anything actively bad to these girls, you're just not inviting them to a party.

PlatypusPie · 07/07/2018 15:46

I would not dream of inviting children who had behaved like this to my home - it’s saying that you have to put up with bullying, even within your private sphere. There were children that my DDs invited to parties that I was not personally keen on for some behavioural issues but these could be managed ( had to call a mother once to collect for dangerously and repetitively climbing on things and being rude to me ) but hitting and spitting and verbal bullying are unacceptable. It’s her party, should be a calm, pleasant fun event.

alicescaterpillar · 07/07/2018 15:46

When DS2 was six or seven another mum suggested we hold a joint birthday party with her son at a play centre and invite the whole class, which we did. It seemed like a good idea to include everyone and encourage friendships and share the load. Years later, (in late teens) he told me he hadn't liked inviting and, worse, handing out invites to children who were unkind to him (and were more unkind to him later). Nothing untoward happened at the party, and we had not suspected it at the time, and he said nothing beforehand. But when he did tell me I felt I had let him down. I think he didn't feel protected.
It was his birthday, after all, his special day. Why would he choose to celebrate it with people who were unkind?

squiggleirl · 07/07/2018 15:58

I am always surprised by the number of parents who think a child should be invited to a birthday party even if they have behaved horribly to your child in the past. I mean, how many grown adults celebrate their birthday's by inviting that bastard from work, or the bitch who speaks horribly to us? Nobody would bat an eyelid at an adult not including someone like that. Yet, when it comes to one of the most important events in a child's year - they're own birthday, they're expected to invite some little shit who bullies them, or spits at them, or call them names? What a crock of shit.

It's not mean to exclude a child who hurts others, physically or emotionally. It's a perfectly valid reason. Why any parent would teach their child that the feelings of a bully are more important than their own, beggars belief. And worse still, to teach a bully that even when they treat you bad, your Mum'll still make you be nice to them, shows how little the child is valued by their own family.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/07/2018 16:07

category12
Excluding 2 out of 12 in the same class isn't kind.

Hitting and spitting isn't kind. Actions have consequences.

Original poster
FapandSnart · 07/07/2018 16:18

Wow thanks, I was expecting to be totally slated.

I really REALLY don’t want to invite them, it’s taken all my effort to handle it the ‘right’ way with school instead of what I wanted to do which was go postal on them and their parents when they have hurt my DD.

I don’t know what DD wants to do as she doesn’t know herself. She has some issues with confidence and likes to think the best of people, so she has tried to be friendly with the 2 horrible girls even though I have told her to stay away from them. I’m proud of her for her kindness but I’m trying so hard to boost her confidence and self belief and I think inviting those 2 sends the wrong message to her.

There aren’t any SEN issues involved, if there were of course I would take that into account.

I need to protect my daughter and also her friends. I still remember vividly one of DDs best friends sobbing in the corner because one of them had punched her at her reception party.

I would definitely be discreet with the invites!

And to the person who said I’m Over Thinking it... yep I agree!!!!!

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 07/07/2018 16:41

I actually don't think you are over thinking it - you are trying to be kind to two young girls. But I think it sends a message to your daughter that its OK not to associate with children that hurt you if you do not invite them. Also remember - some parties at play centres etc have a limit of 10. Its not a big deal to decide to only invite 10 as long as its not flaunted in these other girls faces.