Feeling sad about comment from mother

[Mouse007]

Not really an AIBU, more just a vent...

My mother is highly critical of me, has never said she's proud of me, and whenever I have done something good she finds a way to make me feel bad. I was always top of the class at school, never in any trouble, highly successful career, mortgage paid off at 30 in one of the best places in the country, lovely husband, yet she's so sad and disappointed at how my life has turned out. She's always telling me what my physical faults are, how I could dress better, and how she's sad that I'm not pretty. All my choices are criticised e.g. she will ask me what vegetables I ate for dinner, and if I say eg green beans and cauliflower then she will say she's disappointed that I didn't eat green leafy vegetables because they are healthier.

It was my MIL's funeral 2 weeks ago, her death is devastating for me as I love her so very much. Today she told me that I shouldn't wear the type of dress that I wore to the funeral, because it makes me look "like a bottle" i.e. shapeless (bear in mind I'm 18 weeks pregnant). I told her that my FIL said I look nice, and she said DF was sad about the way I looked. I just don't understand why someone would say something so hurtful.

So sorry about your MIL. Your mother is unbelievably rude and nasty. I would give her one last chance - Sit her down and explain to her that you never want to hear such criticism again - and if she messes up I would cut all contact. It is not normal at all to berate anyone (let alone your own child!) for their looks. DO NOT take any more shit OP. Good luck.

Well I'm a mother to two young adults and I have never, nor would ever, speak to my children in that fashion! Never.

I would suggest that you would be happier with less contact with your mother.
It sounds as if you have lived a very fulfilling life and all credit to you. 💐
Be proud and be happy. Go and plan a special treat for you and yours, you deserve it.

How absolutely horrible. I know it may be hard as you are related but whilst you cannot stop her comments you can stop answering her. When she asks you questions, do not answer her.

How old are you op?

I'm 32! My relationship has always been difficult, this has just really upset me particularly as it was so important to me that I looked my best one final time for my lovely MIL. But actually, I've had far worse - as a teenager at times she used to make me walk ahead of her because she was ashamed of what I was wearing and didn't want to be seen with me, the clothes that she had bought for me!

OP she sounds AWFUL. You sound like most parents would be terribly proud of you. Most parents love their children unconditionally anyway.

This is her baggage - not yours. You don’t need to carry it for her

As you said you’re a smart woman who has achieved despite a hypercritical mother
At a sad time she should have been respectful,considerate to you.she wasn’t
Good luck with your pg,will your dh support you over mum poor treatment of you.

Your mother sounds like an abusive, toxic waste of your time. So sorry you have had to suffer a mother like that

She sounds shallow, cruel, petty and stupid. Avoid her as much as you can.

Well done on all your achievements - with a parent like that it’s an achievement in itself that you didn’t completely crumble. Instead, you have built a strong, positive life - despite her shit.

Some people are obsessed with superficial appearances. I think I'd be so ashamed of her. You be obviously got where you have in spite of her, not because of her. Condolences on the death of your lovely mil.

Babes, I've got the same issue! My mum is a freak too. Nothing is good enough, I never get anythin g right, and even if I were to follow her advice on something, she'd then have an opinion 180 and completely go against what she said just to pick faults.
My advice is, she's never, ever going to change, BUT, you can change how you react to it. It's really, really hard but it gets better. Cut down on contact with her. Don't share too much with her if she uses that info to upset you.t
Mums are a difficu lt one as they're the one person that should have your back. So when they're weirdos it's heartbreaking.
You and I are similar in ages; how old is your mum?

DH is supportive of going NC but I feel terrible because I'm an only child, and on my side of the family I have no other family. She made a lot of financial sacrifices for me as a child as well which enabled me to get a good education and be successful, so I feel I owe her. She says she says these things for my own good so i can improve but doesn't accept how hurtful it is. It's always everyone else who's wrong, she's the victim when people get upset with her. There's never an apology or taking responsibility. Other parents used to say they wish they had a child like me, my mum described me as a problem child to her colleagues because I have my own taste which doesn't align with hers. Everyone else always got praise and I was compared to them as being inferior. I got 11 As in my GCSEs and she was disappointed, but had to listen to how amazing another girl was because she got all Bs?!

There is so much more, I could write pages, but today has really upset me - partially because of MIL, and partially because I'm worried of the impact she will have on my child.

Thank you all for listening and allowing me to get this off my chest.

Is she a very attractive woman, OP? Did she rely on her looks to catch a husband back in the day? Does she get on with your husband?

Urgh op she sounds dreadful. You are a credit to yourself. What relationship do you have with your dad?

She decided to make those sacrifices - that’s what parents do. You cannot expect your children to pay for them for the rest of their lives.

I am so very sorry about your MIL. I also love my MIL very much and I can imagine the pain.

Please consider your own state of mind and restrict contact with her

When she starts, twist what she says around to her. Sad you are not pretty? Tell her you are sad she is not a nicer person. Ashamed of your clothes? Tell her you are ashamed of her because she is a bitch.

You can not allow this to continue, both for yourself and for your child. You sit her down and tell her you're happy with who you are and whilst she has her opinions you do not want to hear them ever again, and if she can't keep them to herself you won't see her anymore. That way it's her choice and you don't need to feel any guilt. As for looking your best yesterday, I'm sure your lovely MIL would have thought you were beautiful whatever you wore.

OP look up narcissistic mothers. Yours seems like a classic case:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/2013/04/14/surviving-the-narcissistic-parent-acons-adult-children-of-narcissists/amp/

Her comment about your funeral outfit is ridiculous. a) She should have been thinking about the deceased not judging her pregnant daughter and b) given the fact that all her other negative comments seem to be the reverse of the truth, you no doubt looked absolutely fine and appropriate.

Tell her you are sick of all her criticising and if she can't be pleasant you'll stop seeing her so often.

I think you are starting to realise she is not the kind of mother anyone would want and that is very sad. There is something called the FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
Your mother is not normal. Why she is so focused on putting you down in your place, no-one can ever explain. Maybe she is jealous of you, maybe something else.
The only thing you can do is change the way you interact with her. I'm so sorry she is not the loving mother you deserve.

I hope this doesn't come across as unhelpful or patronising but it comes across from your subsequent replies that she has conditioned and guilt-tripped you into feeling sorry for her and like you have to meet her hypocritical expectations.

How did you know she made financial sacrifices for you when you were a child? Were you aware of it at the time? Or has she repeatedly told you over the years?

I am the same age as you and haven't got nowhere near the level of stability and happiness (bar your mother) you seem to have achieved, going from your OP and yet I couldn't ever imagine my own mom treating me or any of my siblings in such a cruel and dismissive way. It is sad to read and I think you should stop chasing her approval and live your own life with her in it minimally.

I could have written this dear op.

My mum never told me she was proud, even when I got a medical degree, never ever told me I looked nice or that she loved me and I put up with it. Eventually a big enough row with her meant I went totally no contact, I did invite her to my wedding and she didn’t come. I’m happier without her negativity.

My mum is 57 and really not attractive anymore, I think she would be classed as morbidly obese. However, when she was young she was gorgeous! I would say I'm pretty enough or at least not unattractive, but I'm not as pretty as her younger self, and have different taste. My MIL always thought I dressed well. She really respects my husband, I suspect because he is a man - at least to his face. She has no respect for DF though. I think I have a good relationship with DF but he is an enabler, which in hindsight, makes me question whether I really have a good relationship with him. Why won't he stick up for me and defend me?

I have tried to give back what I get so to speak, but it's just not me - it makes me feel like an awful person and I don't want to stoop to her level. I don't want to be hurtful, and the times I have done it, somehow she manages to one-up on the insults e.g. saying things like I'm a curse from God. As a result, I already have low contact with her as it is. She lives 40 miles away but see her about 3 times a year, no phone calls but daily Skype messages.

This makes me miss my MIL so much, she was an angel

This is terrible to read. How can any mother be so horrible to their daughter! For your own peace of mind, you need to have a conversation with her and let her know just how hurtful she is being. The choice is down to her; either she stops the nasty comments, or you see far less of her. You deserve congratulations for everything you have achieved in your life, not disparagement.

Just tell her you look like her .

I don't think you owe her anything, and I suspect she feels she can get away with abusing you because she knows you feel you owe her. I think that's the first feeling to break away from.

I agree you need to talk to her and say this needs to stop if she wants to keep seeing you as you have life you are happy with and you don't need her negativity and neither do you need her approval. She may well explode and accuse you of all sorts, but rise above it.

I'm sorry for what you've been through with her.