Feeling sad about comment from mother

[Mouse007]

Not really an AIBU, more just a vent...

My mother is highly critical of me, has never said she's proud of me, and whenever I have done something good she finds a way to make me feel bad. I was always top of the class at school, never in any trouble, highly successful career, mortgage paid off at 30 in one of the best places in the country, lovely husband, yet she's so sad and disappointed at how my life has turned out. She's always telling me what my physical faults are, how I could dress better, and how she's sad that I'm not pretty. All my choices are criticised e.g. she will ask me what vegetables I ate for dinner, and if I say eg green beans and cauliflower then she will say she's disappointed that I didn't eat green leafy vegetables because they are healthier.

It was my MIL's funeral 2 weeks ago, her death is devastating for me as I love her so very much. Today she told me that I shouldn't wear the type of dress that I wore to the funeral, because it makes me look "like a bottle" i.e. shapeless (bear in mind I'm 18 weeks pregnant). I told her that my FIL said I look nice, and she said DF was sad about the way I looked. I just don't understand why someone would say something so hurtful.

I would go NC. On my sisters wedding morning, as the photographer asked for "mother and daughter make up shots" my DM informed her that she could do with some botox because her forehead lines were getting really deep. some mums are just twats and not worth your time.

She sounds like the mother in Crazy Ex Girlfriend (Netflix) if you've seen that...
That sounds really hurtful and wearing. It's up to you to decide if you get enough out of the relationship to make it worth seeing her.
Is this your first baby? It might help to give new perspective that a) you're a mother now and empowered to do things your way, with your mum as well as your baby and b) you wouldn't dream of treating your baby how your mum treats you. If you feel fragile around late pregnancy/birth/newborn stage I wouldn't hesitate to keep her at arm's length because that malarkey is stressful enough as it is.

O P are you me? Same, same, same, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know only-child guilt all too well.
Sounds like she's trying to re live her life through you. Like she can't see you being a seperate person to her and that you're property.
Try making a j oke about it. I know it's immature, but whenever my mum kicks off I leave the room and start silently swearing at her and flipp ing her off. Whatever works hey? Or have a laugh about it with your DH. Turn it into game. She's a damaged lady, pity her.

Mouse007

you don't owe you mother anything. She is the way she is. You don't make the choices about how you are brought up or what is spent on you. But you can make the choice to remove a toxic part of your life.

Don't contact her let her make the next move and then do it on your own terms

Op please think about going NC with your mother when your baby is born. Raise your child the way you should have been raised; praise the shit out of your kid, love them, nurture them and build them in to a beautiful person. Your mother will only try to ruin your confidence as a mother. You sound lovely, your mother sounds toxic and regardless of whether she made financial sacrifices for you as a child, she’s not right to treat you appallingly. You owe her nothing.

Your going to be a mother soon will you treat your child this way. Of course not as its cruel and unkind. You dont have to stoop to her level to be firm and consistent.
That was unkind mum I am going to end the call if you criticise again.
If not once you are a mum she will start criticising your parenting skills and could have you doubting yourself.
Or she could criticise your child as they grow older be strong.

And what parent in their right mind, would be disappointed with their child coming out with straight A’s at GCSE? I can’t fathom the way you’ve been treated.

She’s a jealous bitch and you owe her nothing.

Some of your comments are really hitting home with me. When I rang my mother to tell her I passed my Masters degree with distinction, her only comment was that she would only be proud of me once I am married. At my wedding she said to DH that he did a lovely job with the decorations, and when he told her that it was me that did them, she said maybe I should have spent more time looking after myself instead and then I wouldn't have looked so ugly on my wedding day. Whenever I do something nice for her eg bake a cake, she thanks DH, not me.

I'm very aware of the financial sacrifices she made for me as a child, we were extremely poor. At one point we had to count our pennies to be able to buy just a carton of basics milk to last until pay day 2 days later.

This is just awful op.

You don’t owe her a thing. She’s a poisonous and vicious woman who has been jealous of you since the day you were born.

Cut her out - do it before she has a chance to ruin your child too.

I have two children - they are my heart - I could never think anything like that about them let alone say it.

She sounds jealous and bitter, you have a loving dh and a baby on the way, stop the daily Skype and if she calls you or asks why just tell her you find her comments spiteful and unnecessary. Don't let her control you, make you feel bad about yourself or ruin your self esteem.

You sound like a lovely person, and this seems to be in spite of your mother and not because of her. And I'm sure you will be a wonderful mother. You had close relationships with two mothers, your own and your husbands. So you've seen what a mother should be, and shouldn't be. I know you feel guilty even for thinking and wanting to go NC with your mother. But you shouldn't, she sounds awful Remember how she's made you feel during your life, would you want to risk her making your child feel the same?
And so what if she made financial sacrifices for you, that's what parents do for their children. It doesn't mean you owe her your own happiness. You will never change someone like her, all you can do is change yourself and how you react to her.
My advice would be to go NC, your family is your husband and your own little one. Cherish them, and cherish yourself. Don't let anyone in this life put you down.

She told you that you looked ugly on your WEDDING DAY? My god. Seriously, get her out of your life.

What does your husband say in response to these vile comments, Mouse? Does he stand up to your mother? It does sound very much as if somebody should. Your father has let you down very badly by not taking issue with this behaviour a long, long time ago. Your mother is probably unable to change now. I'm very sorry. It must have been unbearable.

There's being tactless and plain speaking...and then there is being deliberately horrible. The things she says, the timing of it, and the fact that she can be nice to other people shows for some reason she is deliberately trying to make you feel awful. Most people wouldn't do that to a stranger let alone their child. I think you need to stay away OP you don't get anything from this relationship. And you don't owe her at all - she chose to have a child

Your mother is a narcissist. I recognise her, because so was mine. She sees you as competition, not as a daughter to love. She puts you down to boost her own insecure ego. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, and everything has to be about her, not you.
Please go NC with her before your own child has to deal with her as a toxic grandmother. She is never going to be a normal loving mum.
I went NC with mine when I was pregnant with DD1. I wish I'd done it years earlier. The sense of relief and freedom was wonderful. She died 2 years later, and the only grief I felt was at the thought that I would now never have the apology I deserved, or the chance of a loving relationship with a mum who cared. My sister and I would have gladly danced on her grave.

Honey, you are clearly a fabulous human and quite probably blossoming beautifully despite the goddamn heat. Your M doesn't deserve you. I can empathise somewhat (getting 97.5% in an exam only to be asked "where's the other 2.5%?" that sort of thing) I have recently undergone some psychological re-editing of my brain, apparently when we're programmed negatively as children, the brain finds positive wiring a problem, but it can have pathways built in later life (I'm late 40's). I'm stronger, more content and generally happier now than I've ever been. You may never satisfy your mother but you can be the wonderful person you are. I wish you love, health and ice-lollies x

OP it wasn’t until I became a mother myself that I realised how crap my parents really were, until then I thought it was me that was always wrong and crap at things but now I look at my child and think I could never treat them the way my parents treated me.

My first thought was jealousy too.

So sorry :(

So sorry to hear this OP, unfortunately mine is same, nothing I do seems good enough. I am the eldest of two daughter's and it's been this way since a very young age; I was on strict diets from 8 years and constantly criticised. Please take care of yourself and your little family and ignore your Mum. My constant 'battle' has left me with an eating disorder, depression and long-term health problems, but incredibly I am happily married and have a great relationship with my children. I wish I had gone NC earlier and would recommend as others have in your situation. Sending hugs for your sad loss of MIL.

Your mum sounds like a classic narcissist. As has often been said on similar threads, you can’t change the way she behaves, but you can change the way you respond.

It isn’t about stopping to her level or bring nasty. It’s about protecting yourself and retraining your automatic reaction.

Every time she says something hurtful, have some stock phrases you can use that will help you ..

Why would you say something so silly, no one else agrees with you.
Why are you asking my about what vegetables I’ve eaten? I’m not six years old.
Hmmmm. That’s nice, dear.
I’m not interested in your odd views.
I’m not putting up with unpleasant comments, come back and talk to me when you have something nice to say.
Etc.

Does your H stick up for you? He should!

Or you could just block her and go nc.

as TheRebel says - the minute you have your own children, you realise how unnatural your own parents are/were. Buckle in OP and just keep the "it's not me, it's her" at the back of your mind as a talisman

OP I bet you looked perfect, dignified and unshowy, showing the proper respect for someone you loved and I'm sure your FIL appreciated that, hence his comment.

Your mother is jealous of you, she knows she's no longer as good looking as she was and putting you down makes her feel better about herself, it always has. I'm sure your academic achievements outshone hers and I'd hazard a guess that you are prettier than she was.

Personally I'd go LC, you do not want this for your children.

You Skype a woman like her daily???

I would have gone NC a one time ago without feeling any guilt. She is a horrible person.