Feeling sad about comment from mother

[Mouse007]

Not really an AIBU, more just a vent...

My mother is highly critical of me, has never said she's proud of me, and whenever I have done something good she finds a way to make me feel bad. I was always top of the class at school, never in any trouble, highly successful career, mortgage paid off at 30 in one of the best places in the country, lovely husband, yet she's so sad and disappointed at how my life has turned out. She's always telling me what my physical faults are, how I could dress better, and how she's sad that I'm not pretty. All my choices are criticised e.g. she will ask me what vegetables I ate for dinner, and if I say eg green beans and cauliflower then she will say she's disappointed that I didn't eat green leafy vegetables because they are healthier.

It was my MIL's funeral 2 weeks ago, her death is devastating for me as I love her so very much. Today she told me that I shouldn't wear the type of dress that I wore to the funeral, because it makes me look "like a bottle" i.e. shapeless (bear in mind I'm 18 weeks pregnant). I told her that my FIL said I look nice, and she said DF was sad about the way I looked. I just don't understand why someone would say something so hurtful.

OP - you have read everyone's thoughts on your situation, but in an ideal world what do YOU actually want?

You should know by now that nothing you could have worn, done or said would find favour in her eyes - this is the pattern of over 32 years and it would be strange for it to change for just one day! It's therefore a better than evens chance that you looked just fine, and in any case, unless you wore something wildly inappropriate for funerals, nobody else is even going to notice what the deceased's DIL wore. They're going to be concentrating on their own grief and supporting the remaining family members, as one should. Nobody in the world except your mother would be looking at you specifically so they could be displeased. It's a thing she does.

Secondly, you do not owe your mother for money she chose to spend on giving you what would have been an excellent upbringing if it had only been accompanied by love. Obviously I wasn't there, but I strongly suspect she laid it on thick about the financial hardship, counting the pennies out in front of you and letting you believe that you were the (sole) reason money was tight. She chose to have a child - or got caught with one, but women did have a choice in the 1980s! - and it is her responsibility and the father's to manage resources accordingly. Most of us would explain to a child why they can't have unlimited expensive treats etc as part of learning to budget in the real world, as they're going to have to do one day, but we would try very hard not to make them feel in any way to blame. As usual, your mother did the exact opposite!

As for the daily skypes, if you're reduced to talking about the content of your meals you're obviously communicating too often as there's not enough to talk about Were she to ask again what vegetables you had, I'd be inclined to say "the wrong ones, obviously" with a short bark of laughter to show you're not bitter, just resigned to the fact she will never approve.

Last thought: bringing up children isn't the easiest thing we'll ever do in life, but it's worth it because of the joy we get from loving them. However, some people, for no fathomable reason, seem to get an inverted sort of pleasure from not loving/liking their own child. You're the scapegoat, the one to blame, the mirror reflecting all her own negative feelings; it's nothing you are and nothing you've done, it's just some wrong wiring in her brain. Sad that you didn't get a decent parent in the lottery of life, but great that you are not so badly damaged by it that you would ever treat your own child in this way. Just be careful not to overcompensate by spoiling them rotten/never correcting them! But do it with love and always accompanied by positives. It's a major part of your job as a parent to nurture a healthy level of confidence and self-respect. Don't let grandma subvert it!

Why not tell her to make some big changes to the rude and cruel way in which she speaks to you, or lose her daughter?

Could you just say to her or better still write to her and DF what you said in your opening post, the first sentence? And say because of that you will not be in contact anymore, or for the foreseeable future, if you want to leave it a bit more open ended? That way you haven't stooped to her level and you have let both parents know quite clearly what you think of her insults and his enabling (if that is the case).

Hello all, thank you for your responses and support. It’s so sad to see others having the same issues with their Ms 
This is going to be a very long post, I have just told my parents that I want to have no contact with them and I am hurting so much right now, so writing all this is helping me work things through as well as answer some of the comments.
After the Skype messages about how I looked at the wedding, I decided to block M on Skype. F has been sending me messages over WhatsApp, our usual form of communication, and I hadn’t responded, so yesterday he asked me why. Today I sent him a message saying he says one thing to me (“you look nice”) and another thing to M (“I was sad about the way she looked”) which then creates problems, so it’s better that we don’t talk. He apologised and I said I forgive him but this is something that doesn’t change, M is highly critical and discouraging which I have been saying to them for a long time, I clearly make them very unhappy which makes me unhappy, which creates arguments with DH (who can’t understand why I’m still talking to them), but since I am always making them so sad it is better that we don’t have contact. F responded that they are very sad, that I have misunderstood, that they only say these things in order to help me improve my life, and that they wish us good luck. I did want to ask how they think M telling me I look ugly on my wedding day could help improve my life, but there’s just no point in having that discussion, she goes into victim mode. I’m now sitting here crying about what I have lost – or rather, what I have wanted but can never have. F is generally a decent person but since they come as one package, it means NC with both.
Just to clarify, I do not have daily Skype calls with M. We message each other on Skype every day, usually one or two messages, but the things I tell her are very mundane e.g. “how are you? I’m fine, I’m working from home today” and that’s about it. We only speak on the phone maybe 3 times a year and even then, it’s a one sided conversation with her doing all the talking, telling me what I should and should not be doing, and me just saying “yes mum, yes mum, yes mum”. It’s a superficial relationship. I have learnt that I can’t actually tell her anything real about me, because it will be picked apart, there won’t be any questions around whether it made me happy or if I had a good time because I guess that doesn’t interest her. I can’t tell her I went swimming, because she will tell me it makes her sad because I’m putting myself in danger, and why can’t I do some other exercise like walking. I can’t tell her that I baked a cake, because she will tell me it’s not good for me because the heat from the oven will damage my hair which is already not nice. I can’t tell her I’m going on holiday, because she will tell me she is sad that I am putting myself through a stressful situation by travelling and it will impact my health and looks, and why can’t I just stay home. Once I have discounted everything I can’t tell her, there’s just nothing left for a conversation. And I’m not sure she is interested either, because she just talks at me – there’s no invitation to hear my opinion, my preferences etc. We used to phone every day about 10 years ago, and because of the way she talks to me, I have reduced contact. I used to phone my MIL every week for 30 min chats and text her during the week, and I wish I could have that type of relationship with M.
DH is hugely supportive of me and I am so lucky to have someone who is willing to put up with all the rubbish from my family just to be with me. He stands up for me to M but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. For example, M wanted DH to call her “mum” after the wedding, asked him several times, told him how it breaks her heart that he won’t, used the Bible to demand obedience as a parent (!!) but when DH kept saying no, she said “it’s ok, I know you won’t because Mouse doesn’t want you to”. DH went loopy about why M would blame it on me when there was nothing suggesting I had anything to do with it, and instead of apologising or taking responsibility for her actions, she responded by saying “I’m glad my daughter has a good husband” – completely missing the point.
The thought of M dying really upsets me, and it’s not because I will be sad that she’s gone, but more because I will be devastated that I never had a loving mother-daughter relationship with her, and that the opportunity has now gone. I want to have the type of relationship I had with MIL, but that’s not going to happen. At least a relationship where she is respectful to me would be nice, but I know that’s not what is going to happen either. I don’t see any other way of resolving this other than going NC. I have no other family in this country except for my husband and future child, and it makes me so sad that my child will have just one grandfather who will be fantastic but abroad, and will get to visit about 3 times a year, whereas my parents are only 40 miles away.

Sorry I did have paragraphs, don't know where they disappeared!

It was your Mother's choice to be so awful to you so there's no need to feel guilty she has no other children (to be horrible to) when you go NC.

Giving birth to you doesn't give her the right to try and destroy you and your children potentially as well.

Sorry for your loss of your MIL.

People cut their mothers off for this very reason, consider it.

"that they only say these things in order to help me improve my life"

What a complete load of bollocks that is.

Your mother is a naraccist. As @Babadoc says - she sees you as competition, not a daughter.

This is worth a read:

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201802/daughters-narcissistic-mothers

My mother displays these tendencies. After circa 40 years of feeling bullied and bring the ‘scapegoat’ i’m pretty much NC and I can’t tell you the relief.

And your father is the ‘enabler’. He supports your mothers behaviour.

OP I am so so glad you went NC that takes some real courage , You absolutely did the right thing

It is a common narcissistic response to say you have " misunderstood"

You didn't misunderstand you just did the right thing and stopped them

Good foe you and glad you have a supportive DH

Going NC is hard, but it may be the best thing not just for you but for your unborn baby.

You may give birth to a Golden Child in her eyes - I hope you do - but it may be that she criticises and undermines everything about your baby, too.

Don't let her do that.

I’m glad you’ve decided to go nc. It sounds as if this has been a long time coming.

You're doing the right thing, OP. Some excellent resources on narcisstic and exploitative parents have been posted in these forums, and even 43 years after my mother's death, reading those pages has reassured me that the decision I made as a teenager, has been vindicated.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and I chose to live with my Dad. I never spoke to my mother again. He was very unhappy, a kind, perceptive man and definitely not her enabler, and I was thrilled when he met a lovely woman, a widow who had a daughter a little younger than me. They were very happy together, daughter was my bridesmaid.

Look after yourself.

Oh my goddess, I feel for you as my mother is exactly same.
Never listen to me, never satisfied with me, or proud at me...Thanks god that my MIL is completely opposite of her.😅
Through the years I learned to not take it personally and just go on, I wouldn't say it doesn't bother me anymore, but it's getting better.
But of course as your mother she knows your buttons, and can make you feel low.
The one interesting thing which I figured out about my mum was, that she was actually quite jealous about my life, and tried to make me feel shit by her comments.

As I said, don't bother with it as much and focus on positives in your life.🧡💚🌻

You are so brave - well done for doing that. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been, but you know it was the right thing to do for your own mental health, for the sake of your relationship and to protect your future children. Allow yourself to mourn properly for your MIL.

Well done OP for being so brave. This is the perfect time to do this. You do not want your DC growing up around that negativity. Even if she was never negative to the child, seeing her be so negative to you would not be good for the child.

OP - my mouth actaully dropped open at your description of her treatment of you! NC is the only way to regain your MH and self-esteem.

Your mum will never say anything nice. You can never appease, and never please. So stop trying. it's a huge step to get there, so well done for going NC and telling them so.

I hope they think about it and come back apologetic, but I doubt it. K

Congrats on your pregnancy - I'd def play your cards very close to your chest, and make sure she doesn't know too much about it all. She will probably treat your baby the same (never good enough) and will use your dc to get at you( not enough veg in their meals, they are wearing the wrong clothes, they are doing/saying being wrong...)

Mouse, I won’t go into details but you could be writing about my mother, my father was also like this and they had started making highly critical comments to my children about me and my husband. We walked away one day and have been NC for 13 years. I also grieve for the parents that I didn’t have, especially because my most of my friends have caring parents who love them unconditionally. I can tell you now that she will not change, this is her way of continuing to hold on to the power in your relationship. What will almost certainly happen is that she will carry on criticising and belittling you as a parent, and she will do everything to make you feel that you are not good enough in that respect. As well as keeping our children physically safe, we also protect them from emotional harm. She may try to become a doting granny, but she is a controller and very narcissistic, and that will not change. Your father has been complicit in this and has to take responsibility rather than blaming you for ‘misunderstanding’. I’ve never regretted going NC, like you I have a very supportive partner. Congratulations on taking an incredibly hard step but recognise that there will be times when you may struggle and that there will be huge emotional pressure on you in the future when your baby is born.

Op that sounds so hard, but I don't know what else you could have done, your DMs behaviour is not normal. I thought she sounded jealous but the comments about swimming & baking a cake etc, all designed to find something to beat you with sounds like something else is going on. You sound like the sort of daughter any parent should be proud of and you deserve better parents. This might sound daft, but I have a friend who had a mother a bit like yours, and she has a couple of good friends who are nearer to her mother's age & she has realised that she has often found herself drawn to sympathetic older women because she doesn't have a close relationship with her own mother. These friendships enhance and enrich hers and I imagine their lives as well. Maybe you will find friendships like that, that will support and nurture you. Good friends (of any age) are worth their weight in gold so I would concentrate on your immediate family and surrounding yourself with friends to help fill the void. Sorry for your and your DH's loss .

I definitely get beaten up whatever I do, even if I do exactly as my mother tells me to. We went to a wedding a few months ago and I wore the jewellery she told me to, then she said she was sad I didn't look nice because I didn't have nice jewellery on. I will never get an apology and there's no point in discussing it with them. There's a chance that they might be nice to my child but I will still have to put up with the constant criticism which isn't healthy for my child.

I will find out the sex of their first grandchild in a few weeks and I'm going to be devastated that I can't share the happy news with them. I'm also considering not telling them when we move house.

My mother was exactly the same; I spent nearly thirty years being criticised for every aspect of my life. Every aspect.
As did my sister.

I'm so sad for you that you have had to live with parents like that. You are amazing, never let anyone tell you differently. {{{hug}}}

Op I have found reading your posts almost eerie as so much is so similar to my relationship with my mother
I haven’t seen or spoken to her in five years but it took me till I was almost 40’and had four children of my own to finally say Enough
It is sad but I don’t miss my mother but I do miss the mother I wish I had
Sadly it will probably never be resolved but I am at peace with that