Feeling sad about comment from mother

[Mouse007]

Not really an AIBU, more just a vent...

My mother is highly critical of me, has never said she's proud of me, and whenever I have done something good she finds a way to make me feel bad. I was always top of the class at school, never in any trouble, highly successful career, mortgage paid off at 30 in one of the best places in the country, lovely husband, yet she's so sad and disappointed at how my life has turned out. She's always telling me what my physical faults are, how I could dress better, and how she's sad that I'm not pretty. All my choices are criticised e.g. she will ask me what vegetables I ate for dinner, and if I say eg green beans and cauliflower then she will say she's disappointed that I didn't eat green leafy vegetables because they are healthier.

It was my MIL's funeral 2 weeks ago, her death is devastating for me as I love her so very much. Today she told me that I shouldn't wear the type of dress that I wore to the funeral, because it makes me look "like a bottle" i.e. shapeless (bear in mind I'm 18 weeks pregnant). I told her that my FIL said I look nice, and she said DF was sad about the way I looked. I just don't understand why someone would say something so hurtful.

OP do not allow your expected child to have any contact with your mother. Your M will mess with both your heads and attempt to spoil the close healthy relationship you will no doubt have. You DC will hear your M disrespect you and be hurt in the process.
Your M had her own selfish reasons for any support she has given you in the past and you owe her nothing for that so do not let any feelings of guilt put you off going nc
Good luck

Time to move on. Leave this all behind you and start giving yourself some very justified respect for how much you have achieved. Easier said than done I know but WOW this is awful. You don't deserve this and you need to step well away from it.

Oooo, OP, are you my sister? You can't be, because you're too young, but OMG this sounds similar. Just be thankful you never had a brother, honestly, his perfection would make your teeth itch!

For a whole lot of reasons, sister and I can't go NC. However, we've come to a few decisions. Firstly, we see her. We know what she's doing. We no longer feel bad or guilty. She's a damaged woman, and this is not our fault. Secondly, we grey rock. She shimmies round so many groups, so many people, we can be nice and boring and not feed the drama. Thirdly, we don't believe a word of it. Whenever she rings (which in my case is pretty much every day, sister never answers the phone ) and starts going on about stuff, we just "Hummm, okay, right, oh, well, gosh..." whatever. She's talking shit. We know it. If it gets too much, we just say "Sorry mum, desperate for the loo, have to go now" and put the phone down. (Hilariously, she's mentioned to both of us that the other must have bladder problems. It's hard to keep a straight face on video). Fourthly, we try to remain detached. This is the most difficult bit. We've spent decades dancing to her tune. She knows how to needle us. However, it can be done. You have to cultivate the ability to let it wash over you, and it's easier if you have the earlier points in your head. Detach.

It would be best if you started this stuff now. I well remember standing in line for Father Christmas at my youngest's nursery, and my mother's voice, rising above the chatter of so many excited children: Oh Arum, you're so stuuuuuupid!

If you want, you are welcome to become Sister Number Three in the 51 household

I'm so sorry, it sounds like she just doesn't like you, calling you ugly on your wedding day is just horrid.

My dm does this kind of thing, while also being very supportive and generous. She also sets up passive aggressive 'martyred and supporting the whole family' situations. It took me nearly half a century to realise that this is her coping strategy for issues of her own. She is also bossy, opinionated and tactless. If she dishes out a comment that she would be mortally offended by if it was said to her I point that out. But unfortunately the years of her undermining and belittling me in front of my children have had their effect.

It sounds to me like your mother is so determined to criticise you that what you actually do/wear/eat/say is actually irrelevant. If you'd been wearing the opposite type of dress to the one you wore at the funeral, she'd have criticised that too. This tells you two things: 1) this is her issue, not hers (you sound like you already know that though) and 2) it doesn't matter what you do - she'll lie about not liking it anyway. And therefore it's highly likely you looked just lovely for the funeral!

So sorry about your MIL

Please be careful, don't let her pick away at your childs confidence the way she has at yours .
Speaking from experience , give as good as you get , I held back and never said anything ,and I so regret it

I am shocked OP & those of you who have posted similar. Love of a child should be unconditional not them dancing to your tune. What you describe is unspeakably cruel & nasty. I don’t think you will ever have the relationship you desire nor her approval & rest assured it is nothing to do with you.
Do not be tempted to think ‘if only Iwas a bit prettier or x,y,z’. I am outraged on your behalf - you sound lovely. Be proud of your achievements.
I don’t think your mum is likely to change now OP & I think your priority is to protect yourself & your own litttle family.
for you & for those with similar stories.

You sound wonderful, and any normal woman would be so proud to have your as their daughter. Your mother is a narcissist and is emotionally abusing you. To criticise clothes that she bought for you is a sure sign it's not about your clothes, it's about her making you feel small and insecure. It's about control. Stop the daily Skype talks. When she says anything answer her with a question (this is a technique I use on my mother); "What vegetables did you have for dinner?" "Why do you ask? What did you have?" Turn it around and don't answer - she's just setting you up every time. When she says something hurtful about your appearance, say "We have different tastes, I don't particularly like what you wear. It would be a boring world if we all liked the same things wouldn't it?"

You don't owe your mother anything. Please believe that. We put both of our DC through independent schooling, at great sacrifice to us, but we don't expect anything in return - we chose to do it.

So sorry that you have lost your lovely MIL - she loved you for who you are, a loving and successful woman.

I would not want her to see my children. What if she starts on you in their hearing, or starts on them to get at you.

Mothers do that for their children, someone once told me 'you owe your parents nothing, but you owe your children the world' and that always stuck with me.

It sounds like your mum is deeply unhappy and I'm so sorry you went through all you have. If you were my daughter I'd be so proud of you, especially of how well rounded you seem despite your mum. Don't make her mistakes, congratulations on your pregnancy and trust that you can parent a better way

@missmayhemsmum Same. To my annoyance, because I've had years of therapy for this shit! Still find myself slipping into old, familiar ways.

To cheer you up, I was once complaining to my kids about a particular thing my mum does. They both looked baffled, and said "But mum, you do that! It's just a joke!" Leaving aside my horror at having fallen into my mother's patterns, it was interesting that my kids just didn't interpret the behaviour in the way I did. Secure in the knowledge that I think they're brilliant, they were able to detach and see it all as a joke.

She’s being thoughtless and unkind but that is her problem not yours. She is making hatefcomments because of her own insecurities.
You don’t have to let her hurt you. You are now an adult and a mother. You can remove yourself from her but I’m not convinced that really addresses the issue and doesn’t make anyone feel good.
You need to practice assertive( not aggressive or defensive) responses. It’s hard initially but gets easier.
You don’t have to enter discussion or justify your choices. You simply say things (with a nice smile) like “ You sound so mean saying that. I think I’m old enough to choose my own clothes now. What can I do about the greenfly on the roses?” or “Yes, your right leafy greens probably are healthier but we prefer cauliflower. Do you think Federa will win? or “Gracious you are funny when you start your moaning. It’s a good job I love you anyway. Have you seen Oceans 8 yet?”
Don’t debate. Don’t argue. Just a quick end to the conversation and move on to something neutral.

Christ almighty, what a dreadful, dreadful woman. Hard to know where to begin. Whatever her reasons for this unrelenting nastiness (jealousy, narcissism, who knows?) why are you still speaking to her every day?

She is incredibly toxic & emotionally abusive.
You're the handy scapegoat to take out her own issues and insecurities on. Trying calm discussion re stopping it or standing up to her never goes well IME: people have patterns of behaviour, and it takes major, major stuff (& balls) to get them to change abusive behaviour. . You will be told you are over sensitive, you made it all up etc, because it suits their own needs and agenda to keep you exactly where you are. That's why so many people go NC. My DM is exactly same , its soul destroying, brings to your knees self esteem wise, you gives you trust issues etc etc.

You sound lovely. Put yourself first, because sadly she's not going to change.

Bloody hell what a nightmare she is! I do hope you expunge her from any meaningful part of your life. Definitely don't tell her what you ate or wore (if you speak to her much at all). I'm so sorry to hear about your MiL

It is my mission in life not to treat my DD like my DM treated me. Lots of criticism and little praise. I would go NC but for the fact my dad is very unwell. My dad is too weak to argue with her and lets her have her way all the time. We are reduced to WhatsApp for contact now. I never ring, rarely visit. Some mothers are just shit, that's all.

Your dm sounds like she has a personality disorder- have you heard of bpd? She is a cruel person but her behaviour is nothing to do with you. It’s her own issues. So sorry and I hope you can come to terms with this

Oh forgot to say, one thing worked but its probably person specific. Humour. Tinkly laugh/big grin "wow how terrible, how unfashionable/loud/unhealthy (delete as appropriate) I am. Im a terrible DAUGHTER! . You Are funny! Maybe it changed the abuser/victim dynamic.

It sounds like you are already putting more thought into parenting your child that she ever has and I cannot agree enough with PPs that she should NOT be allowed to be around your child.

Your parents should lift you up, not drag you down - I wouldn't say my mum is particularly demonstrative, but she goes out of her way to praise me, complement my parenting and generally make me feel like the sun shines out of my posterior! The kind of criticism you are talking about sounds awful and how you are still allowing her to be a part of your life is testament to your ability to see the good in her despite her appaling behaviour.

OP, I for one, think you sound like a lovely lady and even being the person that you are is something to be proud of. If she can't see that, it is definitely her loss. Her words and actions are not a reflection of you. Please don't allow her negativity to continue to hurt you. Keep being you, exactly as you are

Just reply 'yes dear' to everything she says.

I've got one of these for a mother too, it's soul destroying isn't it.
Mine did the criticising a funeral outfit when I was pregnant thing too - I think the description was "sack tied in the middle". LOve you too mum.

I'm currently NC, have been since just before Christmas. I've been NC for fairly long periods before and both times ended up sucked back in due to close family members being ill/dying. There's not really any of them left anymore, but more importantly I have an 8 year old daughter who was starting to see her behaviour. She said to me the other day "it must have been horrible growing up with Granny X, she's so mean".

I'm 6 months pregnant with number 2 at the moment and she doesn't even know. I plan to keep it that way too, as she was a toxic bitch after DD was born - demanding "equal access" to my lovely, responsible, kind, non-alcoholic MIL, for example.

A trivial but painful low point was when we discussed bra sizes one day, and she didn't believe my band size (properly measured at Bravissimo so I'm a smaller band than you might think if you don't know about the newer fitting). But she couldn't leave it there - she walked up behind me in my kitchen and stuck a tape measure around me whilst I was fully clothed and bending over so the tape was sort of diagonal then declared triumphantly "36", I KNEW you weren't a 30". I was about 5 weeks post partum at this point...

She didn't go to my wedding, because I refused to invite her to my hen night with my work colleagues. This was outrageous because "the hen night is about the mother!!!" (nope, really, it's not) and when she subsequently saw pictures she made bitchy comments about everyone. She'd seen my wedding dress on me in the shop and did a total cat's bum face before telling several people "I expected to cry when I saw my daughter in her wedding dress but she looked nothing special"

Sorry, bit of a rant - but just to emphasize all the posters upthread saying that you're not alone and there are many of us who have dealt with this sort of nonsense. You have to protect yourself because she will never be the mum you want or deserve, and that's very hard to come to terms with.

Op you do not owe your Mother anything! Providing for your children and making sacrifices for them is just what a good Mother does! It is, or should be done out of love!

Your Mother is a cruel, abusive, nasty, narcissistic sociopath! She does not deserve you!

I am going to tell you something OP, YOU are BEAUTIFUL, you always have been! What’s more, you are an exceptionally intelligent, successful and accomplished woman! Any Mother would be proud of you and everything you have achieved! I will be delighted if my little girl accomplishes even half of what you have accomplished!

You are, have and represent everything that your Mother wishes she had! She is a vindictive, jealous and bitter woman and the only way she can accept your accomplishments, is to make sure that you know your place! By constantly running you down and verbally, psychologically and emotionally abusing you she is making sure that you believe she is your superior in every way to you! When the truth is, that she is not worthy of the shit on your shoes!

What is your dh’s reaction to your M running you down constantly? I am very concerned that he seems to enable your M’s awful abuse of you. How is your marriage OP? Is your H a kind, loving man? Does he tell you that you are beautiful? Or does he agree with your M and run you down himself? I ask because it is very common for children of an abusive parent to end up in an abusive relationship/ marriage. Hopefully your dh is as lovely as you are, apologies, I had to mention the possibility.

I am so, so sorry that you have lost your wonderful MIL! Life is far too cruel!

It is ok to cut off contact with your family, my husband and I cut out his equally toxic, nasty and abusive narcissistic parents six years ago! My husband and I have never been more happy! My husband has grown so much in confidence and he is happier than he ever imagined he could be! Our children are safe and not impacted by the awful way their grandparents treated us!

I thoroughly recommend the book Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward! I wish I had this book six years ago! As well as these other books!

www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=toxic+parents+susan+forward&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1530916912&sr=8-1

www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?psc=1&pf_rd_t=40701&pd_rd_i=006220436X&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_p=3332058357179395958&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=dosuu&pf_rd_r=3664CCC5A0YHWXKWYSQH&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pd_rd_w=WVm1W&tag=mumsnetforum-21&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&refRID=3664CCC5A0YHWXKWYSQH&pd_rd_r=cd649759-816d-11e8-915b-ad4d0e8dff36

www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=pd_sim_14_1?psc=1&pf_rd_t=40701&pd_rd_i=1439129436&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_p=3274180622111699416&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=qP0UZ&pf_rd_r=0HHM0K05JCVKRQKYC9VJ&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pd_rd_w=9kIid&tag=mumsnetforum-21&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&refRID=0HHM0K05JCVKRQKYC9VJ&pd_rd_r=e01aa167-816d-11e8-ae7f-9dca42d38e01

Good grief she’s vile! You’re going to be a mother now. Parenting is challenging especially with this role model. You know how you don’t want to parent. Do you know how you want to parent? It shouldn’t be the opposite of what you had as it will produce a child very similar result to that of your mother. The more you distance yourself emotionally from your mother the easier it will be not to repeat the pattern of abuse. Not only will you be saving yourself, you will also be saving your child and your relationship with them.