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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sexually Harassed by Neigbour

78 replies

yellowpaper · 06/07/2018 13:57

I’m a young single parent. Lovely leafy lane suburb with wonderful neighbours- most of them elderly or young couples. I am the only person of my ethnicity and religion within several streets of the area. I have a young child and have lived there for several years. I stand out quite a bit but have made real efforts over the years to get to know my neighbours and help where I can. I have helped elderly neighbours with hospital visits, shopping and general drop ins. They have reciprocated really well and genuinely been interested in knowing more about me and my culture with some interesting stereotypes I’ve helped correct along the way. I have been to funerals and celebrations as much as possible so I am not isolated or seen as being aloof.

One particular neighbour however has made several inappropriate comments towards me directly or indirectly almost on a weekly basis and it makes my skin crawl. . I don’t know how I can politely tell him to stop. Some examples are:

Arriving at my house with a giant pair of secateurs saying he would like access to my bedroom to trim the rose bush that grows between our houses. Big grin on his face with him saying he loves being in a ladies bedroom.

Asking if I would like a back scrub when I have explained I didn’t answer the door as I was in the shower

Telling me he loves oggling at me

Asked me why I don’t hang my undies out on the washing line so he can have a look.

Suggesting ways in which I can return favours (he takes my bins in when I am at work- I have not asked him to do this)

I get on really well with his wife it’s just him.

How do I tell him to stop in a way that does not alienate me from his wife and neighbours? I have worked so hard to build up great relationships and am loathe to think that it could all be gone if me telling him to stop backfires on me. Most of the neighbours are his friends. I also feel really pathetic that I do not have the willpower to tell him to stop as despite how often he makes these comments I am always stunned and shocked. I also think he enjoys this reaction from me.

90% of me is saying ignore it, carry on as I am worried about this spreading and me then being maligned in some way. AIBU?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/07/2018 14:00

What do you say when he makes these disgusting comments? I think you need to start telling him it's inappropriate.

AlphaBravo · 06/07/2018 14:01

Ask his wife to tell him to stop. Will stop pretty quickly I imagine.

fourmileswide · 06/07/2018 14:06

Agree with Alpha - you need to tell his wife. Otherwise if she finds out another way, he will say you led him on. It might also be worth mentioning it to another friendly (female) neighbour, you never know but he might have form for this sort of thing.

HeGotManFlu · 06/07/2018 14:06

Tell him to grow up, stop being so childish and if you discover he is really peeping at you tell him you are going you tell the police. How old is he, he sounds a real creep, I would tell his wife if it doesn't stop. I wouldn't speak to him about anything personal, just hello if you see him and ask him to leave your bins.

AdoraBell · 06/07/2018 14:10

Yes, what Alpha said. He will probably never speak to you again but that would be a benefit.

Original poster
yellowpaper · 06/07/2018 14:45

I’m at work so he’ll do the bins regardless.

When he makes a comment my eyes are wide open in shock and my mouth just says NO thank you that’s fine No or something equally unintelligent. I usually walk away if I can.

He’s mid 60s and looks like an 70s porn star. Big swirly moustache. Honestly I can’t even bare to look at him.

His wife would probably never talk to me again.

Have you got any suggestions of how I can politely word my comment to him?

OP posts:
Badbadtromance · 06/07/2018 14:50

I get what you mean about not alienating the neighbors,but this man is a creep and needs telling sharpish

HeGotManFlu · 06/07/2018 14:52

Could you just say that you know he is just being friendly but you find his comments a bit silly and inappropriate, you'd like him to stop saying these things and see what happens. If it doesn't stop then ask him again and say you will discuss it with him and his wife if it continues. Making sexy comments like this is not acceptable the days and it's completely unacceptable to make jokes about peeping, your undies when there are children around. He is old enough to know better. Try not to show a reaction, that's all part of his silly game.

Maelstrop · 06/07/2018 14:53

Sorry, but why the hell have you put up with this so long? Put a stop to it now by telling him very firmly that you find his comments absolutely fucking unacceptable. Cold stare, no smile, serious and if the twat doesn't stop, tell his wife.

nikimummy13 · 06/07/2018 14:57

I would say I really don't mean to be rude as all my neighbours round here are very nice but sometimes your comments make me feel uncomfortable. I would be very grateful if you could refrain from making suggestive comments regarding my underwear for example. I do appreciate you helping me with the bins and am happy to chatter with you about the weather or even brexit but could we possible curtail the personal comments please.

Be as diplomatic as possible so you can but if he takes offence it can't be helped. It is a chance you take though. If he does take offence you may not see them again. Then again, all your other neighbours may already know he's a leach.

NeepNeepNeep · 06/07/2018 15:12

Why involve his wife or be apologetic? He know what he's doing.

How about for the next time: "Right *Nobby, that's enough of the innuendo. You can't say stuff like that these days and you are a married man"

That's it. No big drama. Say it like you mean it then move on. If he persists then"I told you that's enough of that talk. Just won't be able to be friends anymore if you keep on". Tell him he sounds like an old carry on film.

*Nobby probably not real name.

fourmileswide · 06/07/2018 15:15

Do you have a PCSO in your area? If so, maybe ask them round and tell them what is happening. They will be able to advise you about what to do next.

And keep a record of everything.

I suspect all the neighbours (all the women at least) already know he's a lecherous old perv.

checkingforballoons · 06/07/2018 15:22

I’d play dumb and ask him to explain himself.
‘What do you mean, you like being in ladies bedrooms? Why’s that?’
‘Why would you want to look at my underwear? I don’t understand. Are you thinking of buying your wife a gift and need some inspiration?’
And I’d keep pushing for clearer explanations until he was embarrassed.

Firesuit · 06/07/2018 15:24

Do you have a PCSO in your area? If so, maybe ask them round and tell them what is happening.

I don't think speaking the police, or even his wife, should come ahead of OP telling him she doesn't like it, and wants him to stop.

No doubt he fancies her, almost certainly he knows has has no chance, as far as he's concerned it's just banter.

She needs to express this strongly enough so he understands she means it. (It's possible to be so nice about it that he just won't get that she's actually upset. If he enjoys the exchanges it's hard for him to understand that they don't feel the same way to her, he needs to be shaken out of his emotional bubble.)

Firesuit · 06/07/2018 15:25

Actually, re-reading, he is really being a lot of a pest. Doesn't make a difference to my conclusion, except that she's justified in being extremely blunt in the way she tells him.

TatianaLarina · 06/07/2018 15:25

Don’t tell his wife she won’t believe you, will take it personally and it will massively backfire. You be labelled a troublemaker by her and her friends.

You just need to be more assertive OP. Just tell him repeatedly and firmly that those kind of comments make you uncomfortable. And stop him doing your bins.

Racecardriver · 06/07/2018 15:28

Practice the I jist smelled something off face. Normally ours a stop to this kind of behaviour.

EscapeTheCastle · 06/07/2018 15:30

In situations where it's wise to be diplomatic rather than waging war (This one works really well at work as well)

Just say in a serious tone..

"The jokes are wearing a bit thin now - don't you think?"

"It's time they stopped"

I used this one on a senior person at work that was taking the piss out of me all the time when I was new.

TatianaLarina · 06/07/2018 15:34

Practice the I jist smelled something off face. Normally ours a stop to this kind of behaviour

Yeh I was thinking the same. A kind of ”eeuuch” face that makes him feel awkward but you haven’t actually said anything at all.

LakieLady · 06/07/2018 15:36

I'd just say (in a haughty, schoolma'am voice) "That's inappropriate Mr X, and I find it offensive. Please don't make suggestive comments to me".

If he continues after that. his skin is thicker than a rhino's.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/07/2018 15:37

It's a tricky position... If it were a random person elsewhere it would be quite clear cut.... Along the lines of 'do bore off with your revolting comments'.

I agree, at the mo, if you tell his wife, it's quite possible she won't believe you... Or she may of he's well known for this 'banter'...

I would deffo say something to him....

I'd like 5o scrub your back...

Look him straight in the eye... Don't smile and say... 'I'm finding your constant ineundo offensive... You may think it's banter... I don't. Please stop...'

He'll either apologise or more likely, just say I was just bantering /being friendly..

Then if he doesn't stop, I'd consider telling pcso /wife? Depending on how likely his wife will believe you

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/07/2018 15:39

PS - could you use your cultural background and say
In my culture, this sort of banter isn't acceptable...

Then if he continues get pcso involved on cultire/race grounds?? Dunno

prettybird · 06/07/2018 15:40

I agree with the advice to tell him straight that you find the comments annoying and unacceptable and that you want them to stop.

Practice saying it in front of a mirror until it will come out easily and automatically next time he makes an inappropriate comment.

If he does it again after that, tell him that you've already asked him to stop so as he is a married man, you are left with no option but to warn his wife that he is repeatedly trying it on with you.

Vitalogy · 06/07/2018 15:42

He shouldn't have put you in this position in the first place but here it is. Try and be brave and stand up for yourself. Don't be embarrassed, he's making you feel uncomfortable and you don't have to put up with it any longer.

I put up with something similar once, when I told him to stop, he stood there like a little boy being told off by his mother.

You can do it OP!

And I’d keep pushing for clearer explanations until he was embarrassed. I think that may give him the green light to get even worse.

DailyMailFail101 · 06/07/2018 15:43

When he makes a remark, I’d just pretend you don’t understand the innuendo and if he has to explain it he will feel like a right twit and stop doing it (hopefully) or give a direct answer back to his questions such as the bush one say ‘oh i have a gardener thanks’ Just don’t rise to it! I don’t think the wife would believe you over her husband if I’m honest.