Sexually Harassed by Neigbour

[yellowpaper]

I’m a young single parent. Lovely leafy lane suburb with wonderful neighbours- most of them elderly or young couples. I am the only person of my ethnicity and religion within several streets of the area. I have a young child and have lived there for several years. I stand out quite a bit but have made real efforts over the years to get to know my neighbours and help where I can. I have helped elderly neighbours with hospital visits, shopping and general drop ins. They have reciprocated really well and genuinely been interested in knowing more about me and my culture with some interesting stereotypes I’ve helped correct along the way. I have been to funerals and celebrations as much as possible so I am not isolated or seen as being aloof.

One particular neighbour however has made several inappropriate comments towards me directly or indirectly almost on a weekly basis and it makes my skin crawl. . I don’t know how I can politely tell him to stop. Some examples are:

Arriving at my house with a giant pair of secateurs saying he would like access to my bedroom to trim the rose bush that grows between our houses. Big grin on his face with him saying he loves being in a ladies bedroom.

Asking if I would like a back scrub when I have explained I didn’t answer the door as I was in the shower

Telling me he loves oggling at me

Asked me why I don’t hang my undies out on the washing line so he can have a look.

Suggesting ways in which I can return favours (he takes my bins in when I am at work- I have not asked him to do this)

I get on really well with his wife it’s just him.

How do I tell him to stop in a way that does not alienate me from his wife and neighbours? I have worked so hard to build up great relationships and am loathe to think that it could all be gone if me telling him to stop backfires on me. Most of the neighbours are his friends. I also feel really pathetic that I do not have the willpower to tell him to stop as despite how often he makes these comments I am always stunned and shocked. I also think he enjoys this reaction from me.

90% of me is saying ignore it, carry on as I am worried about this spreading and me then being maligned in some way. AIBU?

Don't do as someone upthread suggested and keep asking him to explain his creepy remarks. He knows you know what he is up to, that is part of making you his victim. He will just use it against you if he is ever called out, "but she thought it was fun too she carried on the conversation and joined in the banter, it was our shared little joke! "

I would say "I'm probably not the first woman you've made disgusting remarks to, but if you carry on with these grubby little innuendoes you will find I'm the last when you get arrested and interviewed by the police on a charge of sexual harassment"

Tell him we don't talk like that in 2018

All the advice with a "sorry" at the beginning. Why should OP apologise, she's done nothing wrong.

"Sorry got to go, I suddenly need to throw up"

Or

"What gives you the impression that it's okay to say that to me? It isn't ok."

And if he responds with the usual "having a laugh bla bla bla" just say "yes well I'm sure you don't make these comments to everyone and I'm even more sure that no one would find it a laugh. Unless they are vulgar like yourself".

amended "got to go, I suddenly need to throw up"

Anyway you can record these comments and your reactions. That way if it continues you can show to others to support your claim that it is unwanted attention.

Some great suggestions, thank you. Will be practising tonight. The thing is that I’m usually very witty and sharp with comebacks but he just makes my tongue freeze.

I mentioned the culture as I was going to include examples about how he didn’t think I needed to ever cover up, he’d oggle regardless. When I mentioned I was holidaying in the lakes both he and his wife looked alarmed and said “you won’t see many of your sort up there”

He did actually start off thinking I was illiterate and down right stupid. His behaviour got worse as he and his wife have got to know I’m quite independent and happy being single. Doesn’t make sense to me.

Regardless of whether it’s right or wrong, i have always felt I have to go out of my way to show not all middle easterners are twats. Cultural/religious guilt yes. I over compensate for it because I want to change narrow minded views like theirs.

Time to give up and start rehearsing some of these great suggestions.

Just to emphasise a couple of points.
What this man is doing is harassment, you are quite within your rights to report this to the police
However the police may ask you have you actually told him not to talk to you like that.
You need to be able to say to the police yes you have.
Do not get into a discussion or debate with this man as you will loose the strength of your point, but do say it with force and then walk away.
If he does it again report him to the police, good luck.

next time he does it, just off-handedly tell him 'Oh, will you behave yourself' in a little irritated tone.

If he persists move on to 'That's enough, I really don't like those kind of comments'

I don't see eat why you would need to dance around it. Just say "right, that's enough. ONE more comment like that and I'm telling your wife. And all the other neighbours. Seriously just shut the fuck up."
You can have cordial relationships with everyone but you don't need to put up with that. Having said that I'm a gobby caah with a thick skin.

I think his behaviour is designed to shock and humiliate you and cultural difference (for him) plays a large part of his motivation and modus operandi.He relies on the fact that you will not fight. I would keep it matter of fact, to the point and without apology.
' I find your comments very offensive. Please do not speak to me in that manner again.' Turn away and walk away every time it happens.
Look for people who smile, welcome you and appreciate your efforts. Continue to make friends with them. He will hate it.

I have had similar going on for years. Each incident reported to Police but they have done nothing at all about it. Makes me wonder what women have achieved in the last 100 years if women are still subjected to unwanted sexual advances.

Had a similar experience a pervy old man when in my early 20s my mum told me to tell him to fuck off or I would tell his wife had to practice it a few times as didn't swear in those days 😂😂 but it worked he ran so fast he nearly fell over

I kind of get how you feel op. I too sometimes feel like I need to be extra extra nice in order to change people's views of what they think my cultural background is.
You shouldn't have to put up with this. stay firm and just tell him you don't appreciate the sexual comments

Your neighbour is one insulting sexist so and so. I think you should be quite blunt and tell him that in this day and age his comments are offensive and he will find himself accused of sexual harassment if he doesn't desist.

Next time you speak to his wife you could ask her advice about a 'colleague' who you think is being sexist and see what reaction you get from her.

Sounds like he's stuck in the 1970s when men got away with talking like that. Men can be complete knobs to single women, he probably thinks you are gagging for some action. Btw you sound lovely xx

He continues because he knows you will tolerate his enjoyment! Just tell him you don't like the way he speak to you. I am not sure telling his wife will make things better.

I don't know if telling him that you don't appreciate/like his behaviour is all that likely to make much difference. It must be obvious to him that you don't. He's doing it because he likes it. A retort like "That's pretty out of order and downright rude." might be more effective - make it about social norms than your personal standards. An alternative might be to be pretty rude back to him "You're far too old.", "Not with the way you look.", "Good grief, what makes you think I'd be interested in you?." or similar. This is more likely to alienate though.

I think you can also try and get your neighbours onside by confiding in them and asking their advice on how to stop him. That way, if you do end up alienating him you will have already laid the foundation for them sympathising with you.

Wtf?? Really?? Don't answer the door to him for a start. Tell him straight. Loudly (if other people hear, bonus), knock it on the head straight away. He sounds like the kinda cunt that turns the 'but she never told me she didn't like it', 'its just banter' when things get worse.

sorry this is happening to you!

“Did you know that comes across a bit creepy? I’m sure your wife wouldn’t like you to hear you speak like that “

you could also record him on your phone as proof of his harassment-and you telling him to stop.

Neep's response infers that if he wasn't a married man it would be fine

This is a very good point but I don't think we are dealing with a sophisticated thinker of a man. He isn't going to weigh up the finer points of his letchery. I think reminding him of his married status gives a bit more of a sting. He is a throw back to the 70s and I think the "married man" bit might get through to him.

One thing is for certain: you’re not the only woman he’s pestered. He will have form. So I would tell him s wife. I would also ask other neighbours tactfully if he’s known to be a problem. They are bound to say yes. That won’t solve it for you but you’ll have some support.

Thank you so much your replies have given me a new found confidence. Honestly I’m not even attractive in the slightest hence my startled response to his behaviour. I never open the door for him- always a side window if I much. He approaches me and DS when we are in the garden on most occasions. Will update you on the growth of my balls next time I see him!

He's sounds awful! "Your sort", what a fucking horrible thing to say. I live in the lakes and all sorts of people visit here, I've never seen anyone gawp when a middle-easterner is spotted

You've been very refrained, hope you put this dickhead in his place soon, OP!