Sexually Harassed by Neigbour

[yellowpaper]

I’m a young single parent. Lovely leafy lane suburb with wonderful neighbours- most of them elderly or young couples. I am the only person of my ethnicity and religion within several streets of the area. I have a young child and have lived there for several years. I stand out quite a bit but have made real efforts over the years to get to know my neighbours and help where I can. I have helped elderly neighbours with hospital visits, shopping and general drop ins. They have reciprocated really well and genuinely been interested in knowing more about me and my culture with some interesting stereotypes I’ve helped correct along the way. I have been to funerals and celebrations as much as possible so I am not isolated or seen as being aloof.

One particular neighbour however has made several inappropriate comments towards me directly or indirectly almost on a weekly basis and it makes my skin crawl. . I don’t know how I can politely tell him to stop. Some examples are:

Arriving at my house with a giant pair of secateurs saying he would like access to my bedroom to trim the rose bush that grows between our houses. Big grin on his face with him saying he loves being in a ladies bedroom.

Asking if I would like a back scrub when I have explained I didn’t answer the door as I was in the shower

Telling me he loves oggling at me

Asked me why I don’t hang my undies out on the washing line so he can have a look.

Suggesting ways in which I can return favours (he takes my bins in when I am at work- I have not asked him to do this)

I get on really well with his wife it’s just him.

How do I tell him to stop in a way that does not alienate me from his wife and neighbours? I have worked so hard to build up great relationships and am loathe to think that it could all be gone if me telling him to stop backfires on me. Most of the neighbours are his friends. I also feel really pathetic that I do not have the willpower to tell him to stop as despite how often he makes these comments I am always stunned and shocked. I also think he enjoys this reaction from me.

90% of me is saying ignore it, carry on as I am worried about this spreading and me then being maligned in some way. AIBU?

Just do exactly as Neep Neep Neep says, no drama, no involving his wife

I think neepneepneep has nailed it !

I agree re wife, she more than likely won't be an ally unfortunately. Can you imagine having to live with him. Poor woman.

Nothing to do with your ethnicity, race etc. I suspect. He's just a disgusting creep. Tell him you will tell his wife about every incident, past and present, unless he stops. Now. If that doesn't work, and you've told his wife, next step is the police for a restraining order. You don't have to put up with this.

What has him being married got to do with anything? He shouldn't be making remarks like that in the first place.

do you get the impression that he's just saying those things to get the shock factor, or that e would take things further if he had the chance?
If he's just trying to shock you (and there are plenty of men who do this to make it clear that they're the big, brave man and you're the little-wittle shocked girly) then a dead straight 'no' or 'stop being so rude' often works - or the full-on school-teacher/dog trainer routine.
If you think he'd jump at the chance to take this further, you need to be even more forthright, e.g. step back, sharp intake of breath and "you could get a police record for that. IS that what you want?" said in a very straight way.
No smiling, no open eyes, make it sound like you're an adult in charge of the situation, and he needs to stop.

He couldn't possibly take anything you said back to his wife/neighbours and pretend that he's an innocent victim if you keep it simple and safe.

If he's going to get upset about it and make up lies, there's not much you can do. You'll be faced with the choice of going along with his creepy comments, or him maligning you anyway.

Is there anyone (not his wife) who you get on particularly well with, that you can ask if he's like this with every woman? Maybe get someone onside before you make a stand?

'Fuck off you dirty old perv?'
His wife probably knows what he is like, she has to live with the twat.

If your neighbours query it tell them the truth. He was making suggestive comments about your underwear and being in your bedroom and that you find it disgusting.

I think neepneep's comments would work best because you shouldn't have to apologise. It's a firm and concise retort but with a light touch. I really wouldn't approach his wife at this stage for two reasons: she might get cross or defensive with you, as he probably has a history of doing this; or she might be well aware of it and her intervention might actually make things worse. (My FIL makes a lot of nasty comments and when my MIL tries to tell him off it makes him worse as he turns it up a notch it up to try to annoy her.)

I would say I really don't mean to be rude as all my neighbours round here are very nice but sometimes your comments make me feel uncomfortable. I would be very grateful if you could refrain from making suggestive comments regarding my underwear for example. I do appreciate you helping me with the bins and am happy to chatter with you about the weather or even brexit but could we possible curtail the personal comments please.

I like this approach^^

Agree that neepneep has it spot on!

It won't stop if you don't say something, it will probably get worse over time.

You MUST speak to him. But I understand it's hard when you don't want to upset him or cause awkwardness. But next time he does it, something along the lines of :

"I'm sorry, this is a bit embarrassing as I haven't said anything before, and I know you're just being friendly and don't mean anything by it, but that sort of comment makes me uncomfortable"

If it is harness, that should be sufficient, although I wouldn't be surprised if you had to do it more than once.

If he's doing it to shock, or to feel powerful over you by deliberately mKing you uncomfortBle, you'll need to be much firmer, even if it makes things a little awkward. That's when I'd go for the calm and cool:

"I've asked you twice to stop making those kinds of comments. I don't find it amusing at all. You need to stop now"

Anything further from there, go speak to the wife, but expect the likely outcome to be fairly awkward, she may not like it.

A lot of the comments on here are very indignant, and they are right that his behaviour is unacceptable and must stop. But going nuclear at him or being very rude is unfortunately likely to be met by "that time of the month is it darling" or some other twattish commemt. You are best off being calm and distant as he sounds like the sort to dismiss you as an irrational woman overreacting. Don't give him that opportunity. You can always dial it up later if necessary!

Tell him you've got an enormous pair of secateurs, too, and you'll use them if he doesn't STFU. :D

You could try eugh that's disgusting, please don't talk using innuendos this day and age it's highly inappropriate and you're likely to get into hot water with the police

This is another perfect example of 'If they are rude to you first, it really is ok to be rude back'.

He has been more than rude. Just tell him to stop, that is not even rude! A resounding 'Fuck off' would be more like it, but I get the impression that would not be something you could bring yourself to say!

Tell him he is an old and and he should stop being a letch!

Posted too soon

If you try crap like that with other young girls older enough to be your grand daughter

You don't need to be polite as honestly he is never going to recount it to another living soul. "That woman next door told me to fuck off when I said X X X to her for the fourteenth time"

"Look, I'm getting right pissed off with these remarks. Next time you say something like that to me, it's going to be recorded by this voice activated device I've fitted behind this door and I'll be taking it straight down the nick. What you reckon your wifey'll say about that. Piss off and send your wife round next time."

Don't apologise to him. It's not rude to pull him up on his intimidating and unpleasant behaviour. Find a phrase and practice saying it to yourself and just repeat it calmly and firmly each time he says something. Perhaps along the lines of "Don't talk to me like that, its unpleasant and I don't like it." Then if he does it again, just say "I've told you before, don't talk to me like that, it's inappropriate" and walk away.

I really like balloons response actually.

Take it further

“Oh hello neighbour. YIUR husband said I had to find a way to show him how grateful o was for him taking my bin in. Here are some chocolates for you both. “

Sorry for YOUR typo above. No caps intended

I’d say something along the lines of
“ I wouldn’t fucking touch you with a fucking barge pole mate
Just shut the fuck up and piss off you fucking perv”
Yes, it’s extremely crude but IME dirty old men like him would laugh anything else off.
I’m also pretty sure that using language like that will shock the hell out of him.
Men like him enjoy making younger women uncomfortable and subtlety will get you nowhere

Neep's response infers that if he wasn't a married man it would be fine.

Sorry Neep.

You sound like a real nice person truly .he sounds like a lecherous arsehole.

Many p.o. have given great advice to deal with this dickhead. And I can't add to that.

Just a quick question. What has your cultural background got to do with any if this? Why mention it?

If you can, practise a look of utter disgust, and use that the next time he trots out one of his pervy comments.

He may be getting off on shocking you, and knowing he is upsetting you.

Or you could say ‘That is totally inappropriate - I’m young enough to be your grand daughter!’ Ever mind if he isn’t actually old enough to be your grandfather - implying he is old as well as inappropriate will make what you are saying sting more.

i woukd try to be haughty and matter of fact.
'that's a completely inappropriate comment. please do not speak to me in thst way again.'
try not to look frightened or shocked as he may be getting off on a bit of a power trip with this.

Next time he makes an inappropriate remark this is what you do.
You put on a very cold expression and say very loudly and firmly, I do not want you to make any more offensive remarks to me again.
You do not need to say more, walk away and do not engage with him.
Now that you have told him this you can report him to the police for harassment if he does it again.
You have told him but he has ignored your request.
You do need to say this very forcefully to shock him as at the moment he thinks you are a soft touch.