To think that my mum is a horrible person?

[WoundedSoul]

There's so much to this I can't possibly put it all into words in my OP. My dad is in an emotionally abusive relationship with my mum. They are in their 60's and the relationship has been awful for as long as I can remember. My mum was awful to me growing up. When I was a baby (her youngest of 4 at the time) she'd shower me with affection, but then as I grew older, things changed.

She cared so much about what others (in the community) thought of us as a family but not an ounce about us as individuals. When my dad would be out working, she would threaten to leave and me and my siblings would be crying trying to stop her walking out. She'd never actually have done it, it was all part of her manipulation. She used to smack us, with no real reason at all, we were scared of her. As I grew older (teen years) things got worse. My mum never once in my life bought me sanitary towels or told me about periods. She never bought me deodorant or any hygiene products and sent me to school in sandals in the pouring rain even although she had money. When I gained some weight she told me I was disguising and she was never that fat at my age (she was a size 20 at the time of saying this). Shes a master of manipulation and emotional blackmail and somehow for many years I would seek her approval. Until at one point, I basically went off the rails. I began not turning up to school, developed eating disorders and met a boy who treated me like absolute dirt. Spiked my drinks with drugs, blackmailed me etc. I have completely turned my life around but I have many regrets that I now have to live with.

I'm visiting my parents this weekend for the first time in a year and I'm sat in bed crying. She's so awful to me. I have two daughters of my own now and I'm so sad that I don't feel I have a Mum or at least a Mum who loves or even likes me. She has been hurtful to me tonight but of course, it's all my fault again as it always is.

My dad is a lovely person who has an extremely kind and generous heart and he has been taken for a complete mug and over the years he has lost all sense of what a relationship should be. I'm so sad and lost. I'm not sure this should be an AIBU but please can someone help me. I just feel so alone.

It is very sad. As pp said, mourn the parents you hoped to have. Its good you felt a weight lift.

Can anyone point me in the direction of the stately homes thread? I've searched but can only find old threads. Thanks.

OP you have to read about narcissistic personality disorder, the daughters of narcissistic mothers website is a good place to start. It won't change your situation but it will give you a better understanding and will hopefully give you the courage to realise that you need to remove her toxin from yours and your daughters lives.

I don’t know the answer but wanted to say i’m so sorry for all you’ve been through and wish I could give you a hug.

I'm so sorry to hear everything that's happened, OP, throughout your life.

I hope you do realise, though, that the behaviour of your parents is not your fault, even though they are both trying to project blame on to you. Please don't let them destroy your hard-won self belief. They are both weak and can see that they are 'losing' you, so to speak, particularly in terms of control.

Despite an awful upbringing, you've made a lovely family for yourself, something which is especially hard in the armed forces. Think about that. Your husband adores you, he must've seen what was hidden by the low self esteem and known that you were going to be very special together.

Please don't let your parents, who are both weak and abusive in their own ways, destroy your happiness. You don't need them. You're doing pretty great without them, aren't you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3123281-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

This appears to be the most recent Stately Homes thread.

In a warped way, I think things coming to a head with your dad will help you. For so long, you've maintained a relationship with your mum so you could see your dad but now you see that your dad is far from blameless it may help you distance yourself from them.

You say you don't want to miss out on extended family celebrations - just because you're very low contact with them doesn't mean you couldn't attend, though? Unless you think your parents would try to influence your siblings to exclude you?

I just wanted to update everyone.

My dad attempted to text me as normal a few times (about Wimbledon and other things we would normally talk about). I sent the odd reply but didn't instigate any conversation. Then I received a message last night saying:

Please remove unfriend tag against mum. I cannot believe you would have done that. Expect you to remedy that ASAP

I called my dad and explained that me unfriending Mum isn't something that will be visible to other people. He was blatantly angry with me and told me I had to sort it. I went off the phone and was physically shaking. He then text again telling me to sort it ASAP as it was causing distress. I then replied saying:

Dad, I’ve tried to be mums friend for 30 years and she has treated me so badly. Why is being friends on social media so important? It’s upsetting that being friends on Facebook is of more importance than treating each other well in reality. The way Mum has treated me has caused me distress for my whole life.

He then told me if I don't sort it then I'll end up ruining the family and that he'll hold me responsible.

I can't believe the man I've looked up to for my whole life is treating me this way. he's really let me down here.

well. there are 2 possibilities really.
he is so under the thumb he is reacting to the manipulation
it is her texting.
block them both. he is an adult. his relationship is for him to resolve.

I’m so sorry love. You’ve got two crappy parents and it’s clear that your father has never really been on your side. I hope that it will at least make it easier to step back from your mother now your father has shown his true colours. Horrible people both of them.

It's the first option. He's very under the thumb. My mum then sent me the most lovely text ever from my dads phone. Basically saying she has made many mistakes and is truly sorry and doesn't expect me to forgive her immediately.

There are a few reasons she has done this:

1. We have a family event coming up and she'll be worried incase anyone notices we're not talking.

1. She is worried incase someone realises we're no longer friends on Facebook.

1. She's worried friends of hers will see things I've posted on Facebook and she won't see them.

1. She wants a relationship with my daughters.

The thing is, she didn't care when I was in floods of tears at their house, she still sat there spouting off the most vile comments about me when she could see how upset I was. She is just trying to suck me back in. She has never EVER been nice to me. Why should I fall for this?

I actually have no words.
I really don't.
OP they are just crap parents
Move on before your littles get damaged too.

I've come to realise that my dad just wants a quiet life at the expense of everyone else. He will appease my mum and wants us all to do the same. If we don't, then it makes his life more difficult as no doubt he has to deal with the fallout from my mum's point of view. The thing is, that is incredibly selfish. He makes a choice every day to be married to my mum, that is an option he chooses. I have never chosen my mum, her being my Mum is something I've had no say in. He should respect me enough as an adult to allow me to make my own choices and to stand up for myself and my kids. Seems he's mad because it's getting in the way of his quiet life.

Of course it’s never that simple as just leaving and I have every sympathy for someone struggling to leave an abusive relationship, but when it comes down to it a good parent puts their child first. Could you imagine standing by and watching someone treat your daughters that way? Stay strong OP, you don’t need them.

Thanks BlueGenes. You're right, he could have done more to shield us from her. Or even if he couldn't have when we were kids, the least he can do is stick up for us as adults or at least respect my decision to stop communicating with her.

I just feel so sad that he's been my rock my whole life, the person I've relied on & looked up to. I never thought he'd treat me this way.

Op you may feel a gratitude towards your father because he wasn’t cruel to you, but it is worth remembering he stood by and allowed this to happen to you so abusive by default by looking the other way... I know you won’t want to think about it but do consider he is not the great man you think he is.

If I were in your position I would scale back your visits to your parents for one hour once a year. You are busy with two children and live miles away. I would also scale back all contact to almost nothing but the used text.
You can then gather for family parties and see your father, and in a very distant way acknowledge your mother in a civil way cheerful and bland moving past her within seconds so she can not hurt you. Enjoy being with your family but freeze her out quietly.
You can be polite but don’t talk to her about anything important or emotional. I am talking small talk and for such a limited time as to be meaningless.
Rinse and repeat for the rest of yore life.
Your mother will never change, but this way if you find nc too difficult do things on your terms.
No more staying with them
No more time listening to her cruelty
Your girls will be fair game when they get older, they have to come first

Distance yourself in every possible way for as long as possible

Your

Develop deep friendships so you feel you need them less that they ha e very little power over you

Your Dad loves your Mum better than anyone else in the world, which may seem odd, but truly nobody knows what is in someone else's marriage. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, but you are not first with him, so better to accept that and make the best of the situation rather than hoping for something which you will never achieve.

I'm so sorry, but of course she's emotionally manipulative and not worth your emotional energy.

I haven't spoken to my own mother for many years and it's brilliant. No drama in my life is wonderful. She is a master manipulator and always the victim, the thing is, she believes her own lies.

It's difficult pulling the plug, but I did it to avoid having my own kids dragged into the madness. My brother chose not to speak to me for a few years (we're in touch again now) but y'know, it's your life. You have the power to control who is in your life or not.

I know it's difficult and there's an obligation felt, but honestly, we only have one life. Would you keep being friends with a person who treated you that way? Do what makes you and your own family happy.

""My dad is a lovely person who has an extremely kind and generous heart and he has been taken for a complete mug and over the years he has lost all sense of what a relationship should be. ""

Some Men see their Children as acceptable collateral damage for an easy life with the Woman that they picked early on. Some Parents also don't see or care what they are doing to their children's MH.

""I just feel so sad that he's been my rock my whole life, the person I've relied on & looked up to. I never thought he'd treat me this way.""

I used to think that about my Grandmother, I also had an abusive childhood.

But in later years, it took my until I was in my 40's, I realise that she played her part and did nothing to protect me, or even make life a bit better for me.

For most of my life, I was LC with my Mother. thankfully my Father died when I was 17, but then I would have been NC, which would have been better for my MH.

I would do some reading around your situation. It will come as a shock that you've grown up in a totally abusive household and as said, there will be a period of morning for the Parents/Childhood that you never had.

Don't give in on this. Your Mother wants to resolve this for appearance sake, once again. If it was about trying to make good the past, she would phone you and be talking through things. She could even make an excuse of illness not to go to the party, because her relationship with her Daughter and Grandchildren should be more important to her.

Just to add, my biggest regret in life is not leaving the City that I was born in and just not looking back. My entire life has been affected by having contact with blood relatives, who sat back and watched the abuse.

It took until my 40's to realise that. Now in my 50's and my Mother's death, I feel a massive sense of freedom.

I'm so sorry, OP. It really hurts when you realise that a parent you'd thought yourself close to for years shows themselves to not have your back at all. In my case, my DM has been an enabler like your DF. It was my F who was the abuser and she was a victim of his EA for many years. DSis and I were victims of SA and physical abuse as well as EA.

Although my F has been dead for many years and my DM claims she never knew what was going on, she always placed him on a pedestal, so much so that we repressed the memories for years until they flooded back when we had young DC.

Now she prioritises my DB over us, although he participated in our F's abuse of us. He is seriously mentally scarred, it's true, and was a victim growing up, too. But when I reported my DB's actions along with the other things DSis and I went through, all she was concerned about was how he would survive in prison, not how I was feeling having reported it.

I'm now NC with my DB and very low contact with my DM. She's not even fighting to maintain contact and her only interest is in my DDs.

I can also recommend the Stately Homes thread, the latest one is to be found on the Relationships board. It's a lifeline for those of us who have survived toxic families growing up.

Sorry, I should have put a trigger warning on that post.

It is good that you love your father.

I cannot stand my father for standing by and watching my mother abuse me.

My father is a master at avoidance and I cannot forgive him for watching me starved and beaten and doing nothing. Maybe he would have made the situation worse by standing up to my mother but he never tried.