To think that my mum is a horrible person?

[WoundedSoul]

There's so much to this I can't possibly put it all into words in my OP. My dad is in an emotionally abusive relationship with my mum. They are in their 60's and the relationship has been awful for as long as I can remember. My mum was awful to me growing up. When I was a baby (her youngest of 4 at the time) she'd shower me with affection, but then as I grew older, things changed.

She cared so much about what others (in the community) thought of us as a family but not an ounce about us as individuals. When my dad would be out working, she would threaten to leave and me and my siblings would be crying trying to stop her walking out. She'd never actually have done it, it was all part of her manipulation. She used to smack us, with no real reason at all, we were scared of her. As I grew older (teen years) things got worse. My mum never once in my life bought me sanitary towels or told me about periods. She never bought me deodorant or any hygiene products and sent me to school in sandals in the pouring rain even although she had money. When I gained some weight she told me I was disguising and she was never that fat at my age (she was a size 20 at the time of saying this). Shes a master of manipulation and emotional blackmail and somehow for many years I would seek her approval. Until at one point, I basically went off the rails. I began not turning up to school, developed eating disorders and met a boy who treated me like absolute dirt. Spiked my drinks with drugs, blackmailed me etc. I have completely turned my life around but I have many regrets that I now have to live with.

I'm visiting my parents this weekend for the first time in a year and I'm sat in bed crying. She's so awful to me. I have two daughters of my own now and I'm so sad that I don't feel I have a Mum or at least a Mum who loves or even likes me. She has been hurtful to me tonight but of course, it's all my fault again as it always is.

My dad is a lovely person who has an extremely kind and generous heart and he has been taken for a complete mug and over the years he has lost all sense of what a relationship should be. I'm so sad and lost. I'm not sure this should be an AIBU but please can someone help me. I just feel so alone.

You can’t change her behaviour, you can only change your reaction
Easier said than done, I know because I’ve done it with my mother
Google grey rock, it may give you some ideas on how to cope with her.
Wishing you well for the future

Bullies and emotional abusers thrive on vulnerable people who show their fear and emotions. The only way to stop your mum if you refuse to go NC is to stand up to her and refuse to accept her bullying behaviour. Stay with a sibling or in a hotel next time so your time with her is limited.

Your dad may be nice but he is weak if he did not protect you as a child or now as an adult.

My advice this weekend is most definitely do not let her see you are feeling vulnerable. Steel yourself to call her out every time she says something which is abusive. If you are dreading it that much can you not stay with another family member?

My mum is abusive, our story’s are similar but I didn’t dare go off the rails for fear of violence from my mum.

It’s horrible knowing that the one person who should love unconditionally can’t and doesn’t.

It’s not your fault. It’s her issue. I can’t go NC either for a million complex reasons and none. It’s not easy for anyone who was not abused by their mum to get how complex it is.

I realised a few years back my mum has a personality disorder. What that is I don’t know and really neither does it matter. Look at yourself in the mirror tomorrow morning and say “I’m not a victim”. You can’t get back a perfect childhood, but you can stop the abuse and it doesn’t have to be via NC. Your not a little child now so you have the cards. Belive that and it can stop. How I stoped it would take too long. But my mum feeds off pain. So when I stood up to her and challenged it and showed her I’m now the smart strong person I can shut it down.
She can still crush me in a sentence but then I put more distance between us.
Your not alone.

What about your daughters? You need to protect them from her. Who knows how she could hurt or poison them and sadly, you know from experience your dad will let her or will be in denial.

Set boundaries now. Walk out and leave. Show your daughters that no one gets to grind you down.

In all honesty with your dad, deep down, are you worried that if you stood up to her that he would take her side?

She does sound like she scapegoats you. No chikd deserves that.

She's emotionally abusive because you are a handy scapegoat . Taunting you & getting a reaction is her putting you down, which is her toxic coping mechanism to feel better about herself/her issues. If you don't want to go NC, then only see her with other adults there, so she can't say I never said that, it never happened. Any sniping off her, just change subject, walk away or ignore.

I had same with my DM so I feel for you. I dread confrontation but i did try a kind friends suggested approach : "calmly call her out on her behaviour, discuss it like adults". Didn't work, she denied everything, then when I didn't back down went into hysterical screaming that I'd ruined her life. She was puce, stamping her feet, clenched fists, veins bulging, screeching like a banshee. It was so disturbing , because normally she was so cold, remote, never showed emotion. I left, shaking like a leaf. Last straw, went NC.

Read the books Toxic Parents, you’re not crazy it’s your mother - Daughters of narcissistic mothers - there’s also a website with the same name that is very useful to have a read of

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Well it's all come to a head tonight. My mum was awful to me yet again. I stand up for myself so I'm possibly not the most pleasant to her in response but my dad basically has stood by and done nothing. Even at one point he started getting angry with me too which is something new to me. I feel so betrayed by him. He says that I'm handling her behaviour wrong and I need to learn to bite my tongue but she is continually cruel to me.

I explained to him I see no way forward and no way of having a relationship with her and I'm worried because I'm not sure how I can have a relationship with him if I don't want to have one with her. He says I probably can't and he understands. I just feel so hurt, like he has chosen her over me and my kids 💔 I've cried for 3 hours solid and just feel broken 😢

How awful. So sorry you’ve had to go through this :( I think you should avoid seeing your Mum on your own. Only see her at family gatherings and have as little to do with her as possible. Concentrate on being the best Mum to your daughters.

Unfortunately, he has chosen her over you. Now you need to choose yourself over him.

It was pointed out to you that he was a part of her abusive dynamic- The Enambler.

He has ALWAYS stood by and watched her hurt you.

I do seriously know at first hand how much this hurts, I know how excruciating it is, but it is them and their dynamic, not you/yours

Now you know where you are, you can make the only move there is to protect you (and your kids) and that is NC

Get yourself up and out of there and never look back

Maybe you going NC would be something to make him think?

((((Hug)))

He has chosen her over you. He always has it is just this time is blatant. He is nasty and manipulative as well. Either he thinks saying it will bring you in line, or he is a pathetic excuse for a father.

I am sorry that you had to find out this way.

There must be a reason she is like this to her own children. Did she have emotionally abusive parents/carers and so she's repeating the pattern? You should give yourself a pat on the back and be proud of yourself for not repeating the pattern with your own children

I'm really sorry OP.
That's heartbreaking but he's not really any better. He enables her behaviour and yes he has chosen her over you many times.
Distance yourself for the sake of your children.

outofthefog.website/
Your dad is codependent, he is not blameless.

These narcissistic psycho mums are so bloody damaging. Get a therapist. Cut the old bat off because she'll never change. Horrible creature.

You poor thing. At least you know where you stand now with you father who is weak, Co dependent & enabling. Get some counselling, be kind to yourself and move forward knowing your own children won't ever have to go through this. It's NOT your fault. Your mother is a sad, damaged person who is not going to change.

Have you never asked yourself why your DF allows your DM to treat you this way? By not getting involved he is basically enabling her to continue with this vile treatment - effectively he is saying that treating his daughter like shit is ok with him, so long as it means he gets a more peaceful life. If he's not prepared to stand up for himself and you, then I think that NC should be the way forward. Look at what you're going through: if your DH was treating your child the way your DM is treating you, would you sit back and let him get on with it? Or would you LTB or tell him it stops or else? Do not put yourself in this position ever again: you have 2DD to focus on - your parents are actually still young: would you want your DM starting on them?

@piffle it really isn’t that simple. The Op’s father is in an abusive relationship and Is also a victim. He has been worn down. It’s not as simple as LTB or “he’s letting her treat you like shit”.

Op - I think going NC with both is the only way forward at this stage. Very much like my parents they are in their own dysfunctional relationship which you’ll never change and may never understand. You need time to heal and focus on you and your children

It's a bit like a bereavement isn't it? You grieve for the mother that you never had.

Have you tried talking to your Dad about leaving and offered help?

he is a victim of abuse too, yes, BUT, he is also part of the abusive dynamic - OP would not be being abused quite so well by DM without HIM enabling her.

Hell would freeze over before anyone would treat my child the way that's been described here

My DM hurt my son to get to me, we are NC now and always will be

My dad (divorced) tried the flying monkey crap, I've given up with him, hes just s bad in other ways.

I was a victim of abuse, sure it impeded my parenting of my child a little, but nothing gives anyone the right to sit by and watch a child get eroded and destroyed. He has NO excuse for what he's enabled.

Agreeing with hissy. He may be a victim, which we aren't sure about, but he is also complicit in abuse too. Which makes him an abuser in his own right.

Perhaps if you make the stand to go NC, it might give your dad the courage he needs to leave her.

Thanks all, I can see how my dad's enabling her. I'm back home now thank god, and I'm feeling a lot stronger. My dad has always been the reason I've kept communication with my Mum but he has really let me down here. On our way to the airport, he said my behaviour towards him & my mum has been terrible. The truth is, he's upset that I stood up for myself and got in the way of him wanting a "quiet life" as he often calls it. I feel so sad that I've lost both my parents but also as though a weight has been lifted. I owe them nothing, not now my dad has shown me that I'm obviously not a priority to him. It's sad it's had to come to this.