To think that my mum is a horrible person?

[WoundedSoul]

There's so much to this I can't possibly put it all into words in my OP. My dad is in an emotionally abusive relationship with my mum. They are in their 60's and the relationship has been awful for as long as I can remember. My mum was awful to me growing up. When I was a baby (her youngest of 4 at the time) she'd shower me with affection, but then as I grew older, things changed.

She cared so much about what others (in the community) thought of us as a family but not an ounce about us as individuals. When my dad would be out working, she would threaten to leave and me and my siblings would be crying trying to stop her walking out. She'd never actually have done it, it was all part of her manipulation. She used to smack us, with no real reason at all, we were scared of her. As I grew older (teen years) things got worse. My mum never once in my life bought me sanitary towels or told me about periods. She never bought me deodorant or any hygiene products and sent me to school in sandals in the pouring rain even although she had money. When I gained some weight she told me I was disguising and she was never that fat at my age (she was a size 20 at the time of saying this). Shes a master of manipulation and emotional blackmail and somehow for many years I would seek her approval. Until at one point, I basically went off the rails. I began not turning up to school, developed eating disorders and met a boy who treated me like absolute dirt. Spiked my drinks with drugs, blackmailed me etc. I have completely turned my life around but I have many regrets that I now have to live with.

I'm visiting my parents this weekend for the first time in a year and I'm sat in bed crying. She's so awful to me. I have two daughters of my own now and I'm so sad that I don't feel I have a Mum or at least a Mum who loves or even likes me. She has been hurtful to me tonight but of course, it's all my fault again as it always is.

My dad is a lovely person who has an extremely kind and generous heart and he has been taken for a complete mug and over the years he has lost all sense of what a relationship should be. I'm so sad and lost. I'm not sure this should be an AIBU but please can someone help me. I just feel so alone.

I could have written your original post OP. My mum was awful and I loved and revered my dad - I think I had to as otherwise I would have had no-one. It was only later in life I came to see that his failure to step up and protect me enabled my mums abuse of me and was abusive too. It was painful to acknowledge that he had been so wrong and weak as I loved him so much. Counselling helped me a lot.

Well done on drawing some boundaries.

In one of your earlier posts you said

I just don't understand why she treats me this way

It is because you have let her. Something you now have drawn a line under. Your father I would say deep down it suited him for you to be the one in the firing line because whilst all her bile and vitriol was directed at you it wasn't directed at him.

My friend was in a verbally (as well as financial and physical) abusive relationship.

She removed herself from the situation but her DC still see their dad once per week for They are both over 18.

The dad picks them up and because he has nowhere else to direct his abuse anymore has started directing it at his DC.

Friend says the visit a lot of the time is him and the children sat in the car outside the house for 20 minutes being screamed at by their df over some aspect of the divorce that hasn't gone well before one or both children make their escape.

Things will change after the divorce is finalised as they go their separate ways but in the meantime it is now her DC in the firing line.

When they stop seeing him who knows who will be there to take the abuse.

This is a painful time for you, but that is inevitable at some time. Eventually you were going to realise that your father values his wife and a quiet life above all else, and is willing to pay the cost of losing you.
They have been able to get away with bad behaviour because they thought they wouldn’t have to face any consequences - you would endure torment at home in reality but put up a happy face to public and Facebook.
You have shown them that they were mistaken.

If you don’t go NC, you should never make the mistake of thinking that just because they have a spare bedroom, that you should stay with them. It is NOT a safe place for you to stay. And not a safe place for your children to learn about relationships. It is always possible to stay in a cheap hotel or just say you can’t go because it is too far.

You mention that you have siblings. I recently had a traumatic falling out with a parent, and the first people I contacted afterwards were my siblings. First to warn them my parent was upset. But also to say that I was upset, and to ask their advice. Is your direct relationship with your siblings close enough that you can do this? Be aware that you and your siblings may be colluding with your parents in keeping their secrets and this allows your parents to continue behaving like this. If you don’t talk directly to your siblings because this might upset your parents, you can never compare notes or help each other deal with the problem.

Oliversmumsarmy did you mean 'you let her' in that way? She didn't let her, her mother, more powerful than she when she was a child, groomed the op to accept this treatment. Saying 'you let her' I,plies she had a choice. It's very very difficult to see the truth clearly when you've been treated like shit for years and it is your normal.

I've a not dissimilar relationship with my mother.

The turning point was when I realised my father was not the wonderful man I thought he was but a flawed human who could have done better to protect me.

I gave limited contact with them both now and feel much happier for it.

You share your life with a decent, supportive, confidence-boosting man. He may be absent for a lot of the time, but your children will flourish in the home created by the two of you.

The home that your father and mother made together was one that tried to damage, diminish and take away confidence.

The more your father tries to strong-arm and order you about, the more you need to remind him that he was a key part of the problem. Always has been. Still is.

Good luck