To think that my mum is a horrible person?

[WoundedSoul]

There's so much to this I can't possibly put it all into words in my OP. My dad is in an emotionally abusive relationship with my mum. They are in their 60's and the relationship has been awful for as long as I can remember. My mum was awful to me growing up. When I was a baby (her youngest of 4 at the time) she'd shower me with affection, but then as I grew older, things changed.

She cared so much about what others (in the community) thought of us as a family but not an ounce about us as individuals. When my dad would be out working, she would threaten to leave and me and my siblings would be crying trying to stop her walking out. She'd never actually have done it, it was all part of her manipulation. She used to smack us, with no real reason at all, we were scared of her. As I grew older (teen years) things got worse. My mum never once in my life bought me sanitary towels or told me about periods. She never bought me deodorant or any hygiene products and sent me to school in sandals in the pouring rain even although she had money. When I gained some weight she told me I was disguising and she was never that fat at my age (she was a size 20 at the time of saying this). Shes a master of manipulation and emotional blackmail and somehow for many years I would seek her approval. Until at one point, I basically went off the rails. I began not turning up to school, developed eating disorders and met a boy who treated me like absolute dirt. Spiked my drinks with drugs, blackmailed me etc. I have completely turned my life around but I have many regrets that I now have to live with.

I'm visiting my parents this weekend for the first time in a year and I'm sat in bed crying. She's so awful to me. I have two daughters of my own now and I'm so sad that I don't feel I have a Mum or at least a Mum who loves or even likes me. She has been hurtful to me tonight but of course, it's all my fault again as it always is.

My dad is a lovely person who has an extremely kind and generous heart and he has been taken for a complete mug and over the years he has lost all sense of what a relationship should be. I'm so sad and lost. I'm not sure this should be an AIBU but please can someone help me. I just feel so alone.

Oh my goodness, I’m sorry that you’re going through is OP. Yes, your mum is a horrible person. Does she really need to be part of your life if the thought of seeing her makes you feel that way. You owe it to yourself and your daughters to keep away from that toxic woman.
Does your dad know what she did? Did he offer support? Could you continue to maintain a relationship with him?
for you OP. I had a toxic relationship with my mum and was NC for years. We’ve started to talk now but only after she recognised what she did and how it affected us. I’m sorry I can offer you no solution but I want you to know that you’re not alone x

I can't go NC without losing contact with my dad because of the abusive relationship they are in 😢 I can't lose my dad, he's the only reason I've survived this. And yes, he knows what she's done.

Can't you and your dad meet in secret?
And as for your mum, you don't owe her anything in her old age. Stick her in the worst possible care home.

Why have you gone back to visit after a year? I know you'd like to think you've got a proper mum, but she's never going to be what you want her to be. What I'd be really worried about is that you've got 2 daughters, and you don't want to see that behaviour repeated, do you? You don't say how she treats them, but I don't think you should expose them to the risk. Just say to your DC that he's welcome to visit you on his own but you're going NC with her, to protect both you and the DC.

Your df (autocorrect nonsense again!). And DF needs to start being à bit firmer

You are a strong woman and a great mother to your daughters, in spite of your own mother, and you should be proud of yourself. It’s the future that matters, not her.
You were not in the wrong then, you are not in the wrong now.
You are not alone in this, have a look at the Stately Houses threads on MN.

We live hundreds of miles apart, that's why I've not visited in so long. I don't drive and logistically, it's a nightmare using public transport. Although my siblings all know what she's like, they all tolerate her but equally, none of them actually have to stay at their house, which I do when I visit. All but one have houses locally and the other sibling stays with inlaws when he visits. Unfortunately there is nowhere else big enough to accommodate me and my girls. If I go NC with my Mum (and as a result of that my dad), I'll miss out on birthday parties with my nieces/nephews, family weddings, christenings etc etc. Family is so important to me I really don't want that to happen. My mum isn't abusive to the children for some reason, just to me. They are oblivious to the reality of what she's actually like. I just don't understand why she treats me this way. Why does she hate me so much that she'd want me to feel this sad.

Op whilst l am so sorry you have been treated so appallingly by your mum, you are now an adult and can change your responses to her abuse.

I would,

When she says something hurtful, say loudly, 'that is very unkind/untrue DON'T speak to me like that ever again.'in a low but strong voice.

and walk away, if others are there go and speak to them as if nothing has happened, repeat, repeat, repeat....

She will possibly stop if you call her out every time, all your family knows what she is like and will support you. If not tough.

Most imortantly op, YOU take YOUR power back, you are no longer a scared abused child who wants her aproval, you are a successful adult, who refuses to be bullied.

No need for arguments or debate just one sentence every time and walk away, also it shows your girls that it is not right for anyone to treat you so badly and go unchallenged.

It may help to stop thinking of her as your horrible mother, with years of abuse behind her, just try to see her as a nasty little old woman who is small and insignificant, like a wasp, (with a sting but can be crushed should you choose to)

For future visits save to stay in a hotel.

Also can you ask your dad to come and meet you without her?

join us - check out the stately homes thread. I'm only alive due to a vvvv DH - my mother is a sociopath/narcissist. As is my stepmother. My father (due to them) died an awful lingering death and muttered to my sister "be very careful who you marry". Knowing that there are other people out there in the same boat has been a huge relief

I'm sorry you've got such a shit mum. Mine abandoned me for a bloke so I get the shit mum consequence.

Can you kidnap your dad and bring him to live with you?

Sounds like you may be her scapegoat. Have a look at outofthefog.website/

Why does she hate me so much that she'd want me to feel this sad

My mum was like this when I was growing up: we're currently NC as I am incredibly angry at her for her behaviour and at my father for not protecting me. My mum was like this when I was growing up because she was jealous - as she aged (badly, not just me being bitchy - heavy smoker / drinker and a fan of oil when tanning. Yikes) I was fairly pretty and had a nice figure. So she set out to destroy my self esteem - my bum was huge, she'd never had hips my size, even when pregnant!, it was a shame that I had big boobs as I'd never be able to wear nice underwear, etc etc etc. And destroy it she did and made it worse when I briefly moved home after uni, when I'd become a 'whore' that everyone hated.

It's taken a fucking long time to realise that all of this trauma was created because of my mother's jealousy and hatred of me because of that. It was a difficult break to make when I went NC but ultimately has given me the opportunity to start to put myself back together. She doesn't really hate you, she hates herself and this is just transference. Please don't allow her to upset you anymore. These are her issues, not yours.

Sweetheart, the way I deal with this, and I'm in a similar situation, is by being the best mum I can possibly be to my two amazing dc.

One thing our bags of mothers did for us is to show us how NOT to do it, didn't they? I suspect you are an incredible mum to your children. Hold on to that, and I would really strongly consider staying no contact with her. The toxic shit just isn't worth it. Remember, she will NEVER CHANGE.
I know it's difficult when you have a lovely dad...could you keep in touch with him more over the phone, or even Skype or something?

And yes, check out the Stately Homes thread on here, it's a lifesaver.

And as for your mum, you don't owe her anything in her old age. Stick her in the worst possible care home. If you are responsible for her care home, it is because she has lost capacity. To deliberately put a vulnerable person into "the worst possible care home" would be an act of cruelty that would make you respect yourself less. "Not owing her anything" is one thing, deliberately being cruel when she is in a vulnerable state is quite another.

I’m so sorry OP. I have a similar issue with my parents (albeit my dad is emotionally abusive). I have had counselling to help me come to terms with it and one thing it taught me is that (even tho it’s horrific to me) it’s my parents’ problem and I can’t force my mum to leave. If you can afford it I would strongly suggest getting counselling to cope with what you suffered as a child. It may be thst your mum has mental health issues herself/personality disorder, but that shouldn’t be on you and you need to protect yourself and your children

I have a similar mother. Through a lot of counselling, I have been able to keep a relationship with her (she's a good grandmother) but I have my boundaries firmly in place. Funny enough, once I decided that I wasn't going to take her shit anymore, she seemed to realise the change in me and stopped giving me so much shit.

Good luck OP

as well as here - outofthefog.net is a great forum to share with other people who's mothers are awful awful people.

xx

Be nasty to her. Treat her like dirt and be disrespectful. You don’t have to tolerate her treatment of you any more. Put the evil cow in her place. They get a shock when the worm turns.

Op, I don't know if this would work with your mum, but my sister and I made it clear to my mum that we wouldn't be able to see her unless she stopped criticising us. She has toned it down to a tolerable extent.

Dragon, do you regard women in their 60s as old?

OP, where is the father of your girls? Could he not accompany you in future so you have some moral support? And I agree that counselling would be useful.

ASTATELY....no of course not , l am no spring chicken myself, it was a term to reduce the ops perception of her mother to a less intimidating one.

Thank you for all your replies & suggestions. It's all much appreciated. I'm a Forces wife and am on my own for most of the next year. My DH is my rock and pieced me back together when he found me broken. I find it difficult to cope with all of my issues with my mum when I don't have him by my side. Especially since I have to cope with everything alone. He's the reason I turned my life around. He champions me and taught me to respect myself. It's just a daunting prospect to not have him around at all and have to deal with all of this. It takes me back to being that weak, vulnerable person who was emotionally battered by this woman on a daily basis. How someone can carry a child for 9 months and give birth to them, only to treat them like this, is a concept I'll never be able to get my head around.

Your father's not so nice, if he never protected you from your mother.

It's so sad that so many people have had mothers like this. Mine was the same. Everyone thought she was a lovely lady.. she wasn't, she was a social climbing, narcissistic and manipulative old bitch. Made my life hell and my DFs. Best day out for a long time was going to her funeral. Loathsome woman.

Take control, OP. Stop allowing her to hurt you like this. Be the strong woman you really are

Your father's not so nice, if he never protected you from your mother.

He's a victim of abuse. He's shown me nothing but love. Although he admittedly hasn't protected me, he didn't witness the worst of it so I wonder if he's a little in denial with what we've told him. He'll know deep down it's true though.

He's the nicest man I've ever met. He possibly isn't the strongest, but he is the nicest. I could never walk away from having him in my life. My mum has always known this and uses him as a part of how she manipulated me.