Other school mum pressuring me for her childcare

[Zazd1004]

Hello

Apology in advance because it's going to be a long one.
AIBU to think I am being pressured by other mum from my son's school when their children are ill. It happens every week.

So this new girl moved to my son's school in last autumn. My son got invited for a play date which went well. Mum offered me some cocktails and kids got along well. Our family went through a lot in last couple years due to me going back to studying and having no supports at all and seemed like they were going through quit similar situation. I offered to babysit in some evening in case she wants to have some quality time with her husband sometimes.

Then she started to expect us every week and her child starting to be not so nice to mine and myself - screaming, not letting my son to touch anything in their house, hitting in the face(both my son's and mine) and excluding my son if there is another child came along to the play date and etc. Now my child hates this girl and I've never seen him being like this with anyone.

I started to make excuses not to go but this mum doesn't really take no for an answer - usually saying we can have a quiet play date today whilst mums have some cocktails! I managed to withdraw ourselves from this every week play date but now here comes constant texting everyday even if I mostly ignore. It's mostly about how much she struggles with two kids and no supports.

I babysat for their 10th wedding anniversary so they can go and watch this show because she went on about how nobody can do it because her younger child(3 year old) is allergic to a lot of things and she feels too anxious of getting someone new. I could feel sympathetic to this so I did it for them and it went okay.

Then recently she's asking to pick her younger child up from nursery who is poorly all the times. She says she used to think her nursery would call her saying her son is dead because of allergic reaction to something and can't trust anyone but me because I studied nursing? (I'm not even qualified)

Last three times her son was at mine he refused to eat, to drink and cried all day looking for his mum and dad. The only way to settle him was to carry him in my arms for a whole time. I'm taking time off from school at the moment because I have my own health issue. All these things she wouldn't listen - if I start talking about myself she would quickly turn the conversation into herself. When I offered babysitting it was really genuine and maybe some babysitting back sometimes so everyone helps each other as there aren't many families with grandparents in the area.
She offered to pay and I declined many times because we are not really that desperate financially.

I feel like I'm hitting myself against a brick wall. Would you ask other mum from school to look after your poorly child? Does paying them make it okay? Usually she asks me in the middle of the day and saying WE DONT HAVE ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU and I find it so difficult to say no to.

Sounds like she knows exactly what to say to tug on your heart strings. Just keep saying no. If she says she has no one else just say something like "i know its hard i remember when X was ill and it was a nightmare, im sure youll sort it though we Did" if you keep saying no she will eventually stop asking. She is taking the piss.

Oh she sounds awful OP. Next time she insists “we don’t have anyone else but you”, tell her that’s not on you and she shouldn’t be putting all the pressure on to you.

No more babysitting, no more play dates and no more being bullied by this entitled woman.

Well, she can pay for a professional babysitter then. You're a single parent, but she's whining about having no support?
It's possible that she has some anxiety issues, by the sound of it, but that isn't a free pass for her to expect you to drop everything every time she calls.
Just cut her off - 'No, I can't do that. No, I'm busy. No, the kids don't get on and I'm not prepared to force them to spend time together,' She'll either pay for help or find another mug. If she doesn't want to be friends any more that's no great loss.

You just need to keep repeating "I'm sorry, but it doesn't suit".

If you don't refuse, she'll continue to ask.

“This isn’t working for me, please stop asking, you’re making me uncomfortable”

“I can’t help you out”

“You need to find a Chilldminder or alternatives, not me”

Do yourself a massive favour and think of her and her child as people you need to protect yourself and your child from.
Just block her and don't think twice about it.

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She groomed you with cocktails!
No more childcare! Just say no every time.

Ignore all textes and phone calls.

She can’t persuade or argue with silence. Delete her number and block her calls.

She will latch into somebody else. Met her type before.

She's deliberately taking advantage. She has no interest in your problems only her own and she's using the allergy to make you feed bad for her. If you're babysitting for nights out it's not even as though she's desperate and has no other choice it's just for her own convenience. You'll have to be firm though hinting or telling her it's not convenient won't work. Just say no you can't babysit. I wouldn't even give a reason (she'll just find some way round it).

She's taking advantage of you. Sorry, but you need to be firmer.

Does the mother work?
How many children does she have, and what are their ages?

I'm sorry, I can't/won't be able to do that.

She sounds like a well practiced user. If you don't knock it on the head right now she will just get worse and feel ever more entitled. Your world won't end if you have to go to the extent of ended the friendship to escape her demands. Real friends don't impose on their friends except when it's completely unavoidable or where there is a mutually beneficial arrangement. She's not a real friend, just a user masquerading as one.

We have no one either, apart from an ex CM to my dd's, who I pay if I need in an emergency! She is massively taking the piss and you need to tell her this or start to accept money. She'll probably stop asking if she had to pay for ever favour.

I have some sympathy for her as it does sound like her life is rather chaotic and difficult at times, and perhaps she has mental health problems, but you cannot feel responsible for her or her children. If she is willing to pay, then she can pay a professional babysitter or childminder. Maybe just send her lots of links to childcare agencies!

Re mental health- I say that because of her apparent anxiety about her children’s health, and her fixation with the OP!

I have this from a school Mum.
I’ve withdrawn from it all- socially and otherwise. I have my own health issues and so do my kids without having to be on alert or babysitting her kids so she can go off on her jollies and have fun. She has a husband (like your cf) she has support. If that’s not enough, she needs to widen her circle. I know that’s not easy, but I am so lucky that I made some wonderful friends who I can let my hair down with and rely on for support- and they know they can rely on me too. I’m all for being supportive, but when someone is taking the piss, they need to learn that no is a complete sentence.

So when she asks, and you say "No Can do', what happens then?

why do you not just shut it down?

How has a sick child every week! That's ridiculous!
You're being too nice, as PP have said, tell her sorry but I've got things to do today so won't be able to babysit your child - can't either the mum or dad take time off work?

Don't get dragged down, just say no

Hello everyone thanks for replies.

Yes this woman does work and because her children (6 and 2 years old) are constantly ill both her husband and herself are starting to feel uncomfortable asking for a day off. Combine that with her anxiety she thinks she will get fired. I've told her I have very much doubt it as that alone would be unfair dismissal.

No the world doesn't end if I say No. In fact I have said no quite a few times now but she would still keep asking in a couple of days - starting with 'Tell me again why did we have kids?', 'The world hates me', 'Why do this and that do this to me?' Etc etc.

she won't take no for an answer? then don't answer! you're not obliged to help her and it's not working for you. this is an untenable situation, you can walk away.

Why are her kids always so unwell? Hasn’t she had them checked out by a doctor?

I know children pick up bugs but weekly??

I'd just ignore her messages, to be honest. Or send short, vague replies. She sounds awful. You've been really generous.

Just keep on saying no. She has a husband so she does have somebody. She chose to have 2 kids so she needs to suck it up and get on with it like everyone else does.

Send her a text and say you no longer want to do childcare for her because it is impacting on your family time and you are finding it stressful with school etc. If she carries on asking just block her phone number.

Op,
Prepare a list of phrases - write them down if necessary. Then pick one and use it - and repeat.
'Can't help today'
'Sorry, I'm busy today'
'We're just off out'
'What a shame, I've got visitors so can't help'
And of course the Mumsnet classic No (it being a complete sentence and all that).
She's using you - but you know that - and you have to steel yourself to not feel guilty. She's making her problems yours - give them back!