Other school mum pressuring me for her childcare

[Zazd1004]

Hello

Apology in advance because it's going to be a long one.
AIBU to think I am being pressured by other mum from my son's school when their children are ill. It happens every week.

So this new girl moved to my son's school in last autumn. My son got invited for a play date which went well. Mum offered me some cocktails and kids got along well. Our family went through a lot in last couple years due to me going back to studying and having no supports at all and seemed like they were going through quit similar situation. I offered to babysit in some evening in case she wants to have some quality time with her husband sometimes.

Then she started to expect us every week and her child starting to be not so nice to mine and myself - screaming, not letting my son to touch anything in their house, hitting in the face(both my son's and mine) and excluding my son if there is another child came along to the play date and etc. Now my child hates this girl and I've never seen him being like this with anyone.

I started to make excuses not to go but this mum doesn't really take no for an answer - usually saying we can have a quiet play date today whilst mums have some cocktails! I managed to withdraw ourselves from this every week play date but now here comes constant texting everyday even if I mostly ignore. It's mostly about how much she struggles with two kids and no supports.

I babysat for their 10th wedding anniversary so they can go and watch this show because she went on about how nobody can do it because her younger child(3 year old) is allergic to a lot of things and she feels too anxious of getting someone new. I could feel sympathetic to this so I did it for them and it went okay.

Then recently she's asking to pick her younger child up from nursery who is poorly all the times. She says she used to think her nursery would call her saying her son is dead because of allergic reaction to something and can't trust anyone but me because I studied nursing? (I'm not even qualified)

Last three times her son was at mine he refused to eat, to drink and cried all day looking for his mum and dad. The only way to settle him was to carry him in my arms for a whole time. I'm taking time off from school at the moment because I have my own health issue. All these things she wouldn't listen - if I start talking about myself she would quickly turn the conversation into herself. When I offered babysitting it was really genuine and maybe some babysitting back sometimes so everyone helps each other as there aren't many families with grandparents in the area.
She offered to pay and I declined many times because we are not really that desperate financially.

I feel like I'm hitting myself against a brick wall. Would you ask other mum from school to look after your poorly child? Does paying them make it okay? Usually she asks me in the middle of the day and saying WE DONT HAVE ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU and I find it so difficult to say no to.

You aren't doing her any favours in the long run, try to think of it like that. She needs to sort her own child care out.

If she asks why you had kids then tell her why. Dont indulge her drama.

AibU. The most important part of the message seems to have passed you by. You are in charge of it, and of it not happening!it's afair point re moaning though. Perhaps MN needs to create an Only Moaning section!

I think you need to text her before she asks you again... something along the lines of:

Really sorry CF, I'm going to have to take a step back looking after you DC. I am currently off sick and I don't feel like I helping myself at the moment.

I am aware that you are anxious due to DC allergies so I thought I'd give you heads up so you can make some arrangements other than me.

Then if she carries on, block her

Send a clear message saying you will not be able to undertake any childcare for her from now onwards (don't give any reasons) then block her number on your phone.

If she tries to engage face to face just say it's not possible any longer and move away. Repeat endlessly if necessary but never explain- it gives her something to argue against.

Her children - her responsibility to sort childcare.

I had a school mum like that. Slightly different however behaviour the same. From the first day in primary school she had asked nearly all the mothers to look after her nightmare son. She would send texts asking to drop him before school too, she would drop him at 730 having had no breakfast. Always some drama about being a lone parent and being so busy with work.it was two to three times a week. Many mums just started saying no. Her son had behavioural issues and was down right rude to adults too. She once asked me to look after him and then I found out it was so she could head off to the coast to celebrate her dads special birthday. I stopped for three years and didn’t engage in any discussions and suddenly when our two DS weee doing some school exams for high school entry it started immediately. Oh I have work tomorrow, could you have him and when I said no she asked if I could have him for the whole day on a Saturday. Eh no that’s my day off with my own kids. Some people are CF. Best thing you can do is simply say no and disengage. Her DC are not your problem or responsibility.

I could very much tell you the same thing to be honest. Yes I’ve got all the validation from the others that I’m not being unreasonable and I find it helpful. Also I find it better just after being able to vent - and isn’t this the whole point of MN? I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people come here and post because they don’t feel like they couldn’t talk to anyone about something in particular and they really need to just talk about things. However - of course there’s someone like you - finding a joy in trolling and picking a fight. It’s my time and I will happily take care of it perhaps you should do the same. If you don’t like seeing what’s written on a thread there’s no need to be so cocky. Just leave it alone! Go find do something better - you don’t own this website x

Just say no, you're not available. You may lose her 'friendship' but it sounds like you are getting nothing out of this relationship anyway so you won't miss her. She is clearly using you as a free babysitter and you should value your own time more.

Did you have a conversation with her about how her daughter was treating your son? That seems like the crux of the issue to me. If my kid is friends with someone else's kid and they get along then I'm willing to forgive a lot. If the kids don't even get along and you don't like her either then what is the point of even maintaining the friendship? Tell her to get a paid babysitter. That's what everyone else has to do.

Practice responses like these and trot them out the first few times she asks for play dates / childminding / pick ups etc.

Sorry, no, we’ve busy
Sorry, no, you’ll have to ask someone else
Sorry, no that doesn’t work for me
Sorry, no, I can’t
Etc etc
If she still persists, then:

No. Please don’t ask again.
Please stop asking me. The answer will always be no.

Stage three: don’t bother with any further replies, block her / delete her numbe and don’t engage any more.

@InionEile

Did you have a conversation with her about how her daughter was treating your son?

Yes, the OP mentioned it in an earlier post. Had no effect, surprisingly.

(laughed at your user name)

She has massively stepped over the boundary of what is reasonable. So the only way to deal with this IMHO is to say no more favours. As others have said send a text saying you are no longer able to provide childcare at all as you have other commitments. If she doesn't accept this in the end you will have to block her number. What you can't do is to say no no no, and then she keeps on and you give in.

Never give reasons why you can't oblige, or she'll suggest ways to solve 'your' problem.

If you can't say a bald No- which can be difficult for a nice person - say 'No, it doesn't suit', 'No, I have previous plans', 'No, I won't be available'. Preface everything with No.

I don't think you are moaning. You have a tricky problem and you've asked people for advice, which they are happy to give. So don't worry about that. Also, I appreciate, having been in a similar situation that it can be easy to say tell her no bluntly over and over again ( which I agree is what you must do) but it sometimes takes a while to screw up your courage to do it, especially when you regularly have to face this person and you are worried about the reaction and how they might portray you to other mums in the class.
The thing to do is to ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen? I had someone invade my personal space and snarl into my face and repeatedly tell me there was something wrong with me until I stepped out of the way and walked on (I'd just come out of hospital too) People saw how nasty it was and although I never discussed it with them, I noted that this person didn't have many fans. ( I also noted that she quickly got a replacement mug) But do you know what? it was ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT. to not have the daily requests to deal with. It even made me laugh that was the best the CF could come up and I had no guilt at all about never helping her again. Neighbour or not. I worried it would be awkward in the street etc.. but very very rarely set eyes on her.
So if that is the worst that can happen - and I don't think it will be as bad as that, she will drop you as soon as someone else looks pliable - then go for it. Also nicer for your son as he knows he's not obliged to put up with the CF's DD.

OP, you have (quite rightly) stood up to someone who was bringing you down on this thread. Channel that and use it to stand up to this CF! You know you can do it!!!

fairypuff beat me to it. Channel that energy! You are clearly capable of stamping this out. Good luck!!

Keep saying no. Don't give reasons - just "it's not convenient". If she presses you for a reason, tell her it's a personal matter and you don't want to discuss it.

Cut her off.

Make it your new rule that you are not going to mind her children again. You do not have to mind anyone else's children EVER. No matter what has happened in the past.

Just say no, I can't, I'm sorry. Take a big gulp of water into your mouth and stop talking. Let her do or say whatever she likes, but keep your mouth shut and tell her that you have 'something on with your son' and you can't.

She is not your friend at all, she is using you for free childcare. I hope you can stay firm and stop being used by her, because it will lead to major resentment if you let her pressurise you into minding her children any more. Cut her off I say!!!

OP, you have (quite rightly) stood up to someone who was bringing you down on this thread. Channel that and use it to stand up to this CF! You know you can do it!!!

Yes! Good for you OP! Now do the same with this not-friend!