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Original poster

Other school mum pressuring me for her childcare

92 replies

Zazd1004 · 05/07/2018 10:26

Hello

Apology in advance because it's going to be a long one.
AIBU to think I am being pressured by other mum from my son's school when their children are ill. It happens every week.

So this new girl moved to my son's school in last autumn. My son got invited for a play date which went well. Mum offered me some cocktails and kids got along well. Our family went through a lot in last couple years due to me going back to studying and having no supports at all and seemed like they were going through quit similar situation. I offered to babysit in some evening in case she wants to have some quality time with her husband sometimes.

Then she started to expect us every week and her child starting to be not so nice to mine and myself - screaming, not letting my son to touch anything in their house, hitting in the face(both my son's and mine) and excluding my son if there is another child came along to the play date and etc. Now my child hates this girl and I've never seen him being like this with anyone.

I started to make excuses not to go but this mum doesn't really take no for an answer - usually saying we can have a quiet play date today whilst mums have some cocktails! I managed to withdraw ourselves from this every week play date but now here comes constant texting everyday even if I mostly ignore. It's mostly about how much she struggles with two kids and no supports.

I babysat for their 10th wedding anniversary so they can go and watch this show because she went on about how nobody can do it because her younger child(3 year old) is allergic to a lot of things and she feels too anxious of getting someone new. I could feel sympathetic to this so I did it for them and it went okay.

Then recently she's asking to pick her younger child up from nursery who is poorly all the times. She says she used to think her nursery would call her saying her son is dead because of allergic reaction to something and can't trust anyone but me because I studied nursing? (I'm not even qualified)

Last three times her son was at mine he refused to eat, to drink and cried all day looking for his mum and dad. The only way to settle him was to carry him in my arms for a whole time. I'm taking time off from school at the moment because I have my own health issue. All these things she wouldn't listen - if I start talking about myself she would quickly turn the conversation into herself. When I offered babysitting it was really genuine and maybe some babysitting back sometimes so everyone helps each other as there aren't many families with grandparents in the area.
She offered to pay and I declined many times because we are not really that desperate financially.

I feel like I'm hitting myself against a brick wall. Would you ask other mum from school to look after your poorly child? Does paying them make it okay? Usually she asks me in the middle of the day and saying WE DONT HAVE ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU and I find it so difficult to say no to.

OP posts:
sociopathsunited · 05/07/2018 11:05

I think if you explained to her what a bad effect it is all having on your own physical and mental health, she'd back off. That's what will happen if she's a true friend. If she continues to bug you after you've explained thoroughly how much you're struggling, then she's not a friend and you can cheerfully wave her goodbye without a backward glance.

Don't play down how much of a struggle it is for you. Don't let her overwhelm you with HER problems. You have problems too, things that make life difficult for you, and you're not obligated to take on her issues as well as your own.

Explain how you feel, tell her straight that you will not be helping her any more, and then don't respond to any more requests or demands.

Heatherjayne1972 · 05/07/2018 11:06

You need to ignore those messages
‘Why did we have kids’ is bait for you to answer then the conversation turns to her ‘needing ‘ you
It no no and no everytime

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2018 11:07

She sounds like a nightmare. They're her kids and her responsibility. You've been very kind but it's pretty bad to be letting these other DC hurt your own and that's reason enough to stop any meet ups.

Don't be more afraid of upsetting her than upsetting your DC and yourself.

She is completely taking the piss. Why on earth would you want to take energy away from your own family, your own responsibilities, to help out a user?

Take the waterfall of support you've had on here as validation that you're completely in the right and you should stop all help and meet ups now. She couldn't give a shit about your life, your problems, your DC. You don't owe her anything!

'Tell me again why did we have kids?', 'The world hates me', 'Why do this and that do this to me?' Etc etc.

Um, not your problem. You have no idea why she and her husband had two children they clearly don't want to spend time with. And the world doesn't hate her, the world has been kind to her by giving her the help you've been providing so far but unfortunately she abused your goodwill and has ruined it for everyone.

She's a parent and she has a husband and a job. She's not a damsel in distress, she's a piss taker and she's not your friend.

sociopathsunited · 05/07/2018 11:07

PS this is my own mantra, as I'm a "leap in and rescue you" kind of person too.

"YOUR lack of planning does not make it MY emergency."

Nope, she can't plan for a kid being sick, but she CAN plan ahead as to having different options when it happens. All kids get sick. If you've only got one option to call on, you're a moron.

MrsWombat · 05/07/2018 11:08

The good old mumsnet "No" is a complete sentence works well here.

Loonoon · 05/07/2018 11:10

As tootrue said upthread, she sounds like a practiced user and will find a new victim if you manage to resist her.

SmashedMug · 05/07/2018 11:10

She doesn't take no as an answer because you keep giving in and she knows after many no's it will become a yes 😂 Stick to saying no and she will leave you alone once she realises you aren't giving in anymore.

ElsieMc · 05/07/2018 11:11

Honestly op, there is one in every primary school. Many years ago, there was a parent who tried to dump his poor son on everyone. I honestly think they did shift work and simply had not bothered to set up proper childcare relying on his pushy nature to cover the shortfall.

He once turned up at my house and just walked in as I had left the door open. He basically left the boy with me and walked off. I was so astounded I said nothing and I barely knew this child.

Turns out he was doing this to other parents as well who were all embarrassed about it as well and kept quiet.

She is an absolute nightmare op and you must stop now, today. Do not reply to any of her messages and block her. Life will not end for her if you do not provide childcare, she managed before you came into her life and she will manage without you. End of.

Fivelittleduckies · 05/07/2018 11:14

She does sound very dependent on you and incredibly draining/negative.

Not sure what advice I have other than to just be less and less available: make yourself more busy (or say you are), perhaps use your own health as a greater excuse/priority and she will hopefully just take the hint.

Unless you feel comfortable to just be upfront about it...

InfiniteVariety · 05/07/2018 11:22

You've already been very kind and generous with your time but you must now draw a line for the sake of your own health and family. Her problems are not your responsibility, no matter how much she is trying to guilt-trip you into feeling they are. If she won't listen when you talk to her, send her a message saying firmly that you will be doing no more childcare.

LovelyBath77 · 05/07/2018 11:26

I had this too from a school mum!

It was really hard, she would phone me on way to school and ask me to collect hers too and she couldn't make it. not just once but again and a again, knowing I had a hectic toddler as well, I then found she had taken work which didn't finish in time for school expecting I would help!

She was narcissistic and entitled in many ways. I had to just ignore in the end and then she'd came me for the child being sent to the office to wait!

When I eventually blocked I heard nothing, but her child is now 'off' with mine which is a shame, as they were friends. They can be manipulative and very nice and charming on the surface (cocktails etc) so take care.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/07/2018 11:28

I agree with pps. She will go on to her next victim if you pull away. You just need nerves of steel in the meantime. Start now. You don’t have long until the summer holidays for her to leave you alone and you don’t want the manipulation once the kids break up.

LovelyBath77 · 05/07/2018 11:29

"I think if you explained to her": I don;t think that would work - don't JADE (justify, explain etc) she she will turn it into your problem and find solutions (!) to help. Just keep repeating No, or just go NC- Block on phone etc.

diedyediedye · 05/07/2018 11:29

Block her number and then you don't have the guilt of saying no. If she asked if you received her text say no, having issues with my phone.

Colbu24 · 05/07/2018 11:30

Ruuuuun as fast as you can.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/07/2018 11:31

Just tell her the kids aren't getting along as well as they used to, so you're allowing them to cool the friendship. As long as you give, she will take.

FunkyHeroCat · 05/07/2018 11:37

Absolutely not your responsibility - I've got two kids and a full time job too, also with little to no support (DH works very long hours, no family around etc.) and I manage it. They have special needs and I've historically used up huge amounts of annual leave taking them to appointments and going to school meetings etc. but have never relied on anyone else (who's not a childcare professional) to do the things that are my responsibility as a Mum.

She needs to do this stuff herself OP, and if she's not getting subtle hints you have to tell it to her straight.

gillybeanz · 05/07/2018 11:45

It's their job to look after their children and if one is always ill they need to either cut down work or pay somebody to cover these days.
This annoys me, it's not ideal but lots of parents have to have a sahp because they have an ill or disabled child. Why should they be any different, it isn't your responsibility.

QueenOfMyWorld · 05/07/2018 11:48

FUCK.THAT .she is taking advantage of you.Just say I'm sorry but I can't do it anymore.You don't owe her an explanation,she is not paying you

Juells · 05/07/2018 11:48

I think if you explained to her what a bad effect it is all having on your own physical and mental health, she'd back off.

The OP said she tried that, but the conversation would be turned around to the CF's problems immediately.

"Can't"
"Busy"
"Not at home"

Juells · 05/07/2018 11:50

Just tell her the kids aren't getting along as well as they used to, so you're allowing them to cool the friendship.

Haha the CF response to that would be "I'll have a serious chat with DS and make sure he's not a problem again. There, sorted. When can you collect him?"

YourHandInMyHand · 05/07/2018 11:55

Next time she asks tell her your health is your priority at the moment and so you can't help her out with her kids at all going forward. You could send links or phone numbers such as childcare.co.uk and tell her there are lots of trained professionals on there and perhaps she should build a couple of them into her network of back up support.

Then after that just keep saying no. "As I said, I can't help due to my health. Did you look into other avenues eg childcarers?"

From now on do not help AT ALL. One offer of help and she will think the door is back open. She's is total user and a CF who doesn't care one iota about you.

viques · 05/07/2018 11:59

Dear X, due to personal circumstances I am no longer available to mind little X and y . Nor can I collect at any time from school or nursery. I am telling you now so that you will able to make suitable arrangements to cover any summer holiday childcare and nursery/school run from September. Best wishes Zaz.

You need to make things very clear to her, otherwise your entire summer holiday will be used up by free childminding!

If she asks what the personal circumstances are you say "it's personal and I am not prepared to discuss it right now"

If she phones up asking for help at short notice (which she will) then you say "no, I can't do that." Don't apologise, don't explain.

Original poster
Zazd1004 · 05/07/2018 12:01

Haha the CF response to that would be "I'll have a serious chat with DS and make sure he's not a problem again. There, sorted. When can you collect him?"

Haha are you her? This already happened. The mum now does try to stop her DD when there's a sign of losing temper. Obviously it doesn't stop her daughter being mean to my son. My child is suspected to have ASD - waiting for an assessment. - so he finds it so difficult when she's like this. If he has anything it's ever so mild but he gets really upset when she screams on his face saying not so nice things for minutes. They sometimes get on okay but it would be at least a couple times every time they spend time together. Enough is enough isn't it? Every time she talks about allergies I feel like to scream at least there is a chance allergy might go away but ASD won't. Stop thinking you are the only one with problem.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 05/07/2018 12:09

Just be straight and say you cant do anymore childminding because your too busy with work/school/family etc. Say she should find a registered childminder to help her. Ask her politely not to ask you again and block her.
In the future dont get involved with anyone who asks for favours.Thers too many piss takers and its best to stop things early on.

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