Other school mum pressuring me for her childcare

[Zazd1004]

Hello

Apology in advance because it's going to be a long one.
AIBU to think I am being pressured by other mum from my son's school when their children are ill. It happens every week.

So this new girl moved to my son's school in last autumn. My son got invited for a play date which went well. Mum offered me some cocktails and kids got along well. Our family went through a lot in last couple years due to me going back to studying and having no supports at all and seemed like they were going through quit similar situation. I offered to babysit in some evening in case she wants to have some quality time with her husband sometimes.

Then she started to expect us every week and her child starting to be not so nice to mine and myself - screaming, not letting my son to touch anything in their house, hitting in the face(both my son's and mine) and excluding my son if there is another child came along to the play date and etc. Now my child hates this girl and I've never seen him being like this with anyone.

I started to make excuses not to go but this mum doesn't really take no for an answer - usually saying we can have a quiet play date today whilst mums have some cocktails! I managed to withdraw ourselves from this every week play date but now here comes constant texting everyday even if I mostly ignore. It's mostly about how much she struggles with two kids and no supports.

I babysat for their 10th wedding anniversary so they can go and watch this show because she went on about how nobody can do it because her younger child(3 year old) is allergic to a lot of things and she feels too anxious of getting someone new. I could feel sympathetic to this so I did it for them and it went okay.

Then recently she's asking to pick her younger child up from nursery who is poorly all the times. She says she used to think her nursery would call her saying her son is dead because of allergic reaction to something and can't trust anyone but me because I studied nursing? (I'm not even qualified)

Last three times her son was at mine he refused to eat, to drink and cried all day looking for his mum and dad. The only way to settle him was to carry him in my arms for a whole time. I'm taking time off from school at the moment because I have my own health issue. All these things she wouldn't listen - if I start talking about myself she would quickly turn the conversation into herself. When I offered babysitting it was really genuine and maybe some babysitting back sometimes so everyone helps each other as there aren't many families with grandparents in the area.
She offered to pay and I declined many times because we are not really that desperate financially.

I feel like I'm hitting myself against a brick wall. Would you ask other mum from school to look after your poorly child? Does paying them make it okay? Usually she asks me in the middle of the day and saying WE DONT HAVE ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU and I find it so difficult to say no to.

I think you need to have aword before she asks - so you don;t feel as if you are on the spot and 'she doesn;t have anyone else'. She needs to find someone else.
I would say ' I can't continue doing this, you need to arrange for someone else to be your sick child cover. I am finding it too much' (if you are a singel parent say something like 'obviously it is very hard for me to take on looking after other people's children, it takes all my time looking after my own'

For playdates i would be totally blunt - 'my DS isn;t enjoying the playdates any more because your DD is rough/unkind/ignore him, so we are stopping them for the foreseeable because it isn;t fair on him to make him do something he doesn't enjoy' and ignore any excuses she makes.

With people like this (and I have had a few in my life and my God they are hard work and bloody draining) you have to really stand your ground ignore all attempts to tug your heart string with 'oh that's a shame but as i said I it doesn;t suit me to do it' 'I'm sorry to hear that but like I said you will have to get someone else, this sin;t working for me' on and on like a broken record until she gives up.

It isn't your responsibility to look after their child, if they can;t get time off work, they need to pay someone to be their permanent child cover. if they want to go out and they can't get a baby sitter, then they can't go out. You are not their servant.

It sometimes comes to the point where you fall out with them because they can;t accept being told 'no' but that's OK - you'll be free of her then.

I think you do need to be blunt.
Tell her her littlest isn't happy with you at all and cries constantly whilst refusing any food or drink. And that your child has their own problems and right now play dates and company are off, it's too much for them.
No way would I leave my child crying for me all day and refusing even drink. No way.
And no way would I leave my child with someone who has their own sizeable problems.

But then I guess I'm not a CF

Direct her to childcare.co.uk and tell her you have heard they have some excellent childcarers on there who will be able to help her at a moments notice.

If you do not put your foot down you will be her childcarer by default.

You don’t need hi say anything just block her calls.

If she talks in person just say ‘no sorry can’t help you need a cm’

You are allowing her to piss on you. Her life and kids are her and her dhs responsibility not yours.

Stop being a doormat it’s not s good life lesson for your kids.

"I wont be doing any more playdates with Andy for the foreseeable future because they arent working for me or DS."
Don't say "they arent working BECAUSE a, b, c" because she'll say she'll talk to her child and now the playdates can continue.

Dont JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain - because CFs will always find ways to talk things around.

I wouldn't leave the door open by saying 'for the foreseeable future'. She'll latch onto that as a promise to start up again shortly.

This person is not your friend. She's not interested in your life.
You have been very generous and that is comendable, but now she taking advantage of your generosity and coming up with all kiinds of pressure and excuses to keep you compliant.
Its making both you and your own child suffer.
You are not there to provide a free service for her or prop up her career. It is her responsibility to find adequate regular childcare for her children, sick or healthy.
As some other posters have said, don't justify, or compromise or let her down gently, she will use all of that as she knows that making you feel guilty will work with you. I speak from experience as this has happened to me and the pressure was awful. But the huge relief when you do it will be worth it. Prepare for some flak, she won't give up on her free childcare easily, but stay strong.

You're going to have to distance yourself from her or get a backbone.

You could also try the MN classic "You should have thought about (insert problem) before you had kids."

You need to nip this now before the summer holidays OP. Do you want to be childcare for that?

Send a text now telling her you're not doing it anymore and maybe a link to a local childcare place then just ignore her. You can do this and you'll feel so much better.

Personally I think you shouldn't go anywhere near solving the problem e.g sending her the links to child minders. She isn't asking for that. She's relying on your help. You will be very unlikely to give the right answer because you are answering the wrong question. You need to give the right answer for you.....either avoid any request for as long as you can so the answer is then unhelpful or be direct this with a 'it really isn't working out for us so just wanted to be clear that it will be a no.' It really doesn't sound as if her daughter could be much meaner to your son than she is - perhaps warn the school - and you would really be better off without her.

I really like the "I need to focus on my health" angle.

Also you could add in about the suspected ASD with you DS and that he really just needs lots of downtime at the moment and won't be having children over.

She's a proper CF and you owe her nothing!

I find it so difficult to say no - well, you have to. And until you do, it won't stop.

I would just say No I'm not available. Or reply later on saying just picked this up, I've not had my phone on me today.

The other tactic is to turn it around so that every time she rings to ask you to do something you say funny, I was just going to call you to ask exactly the same thing - and seeing as I have helped you out so much more recently, wondered if you could have ds... if she pushes you for a reason, you could just go with being so poorly yourself unless you have anything else to use (or be prepared to bluff it out).

Obviously she won't be able to... so should be no risk to your ds of actually ending up there when he doesn't want to be.

But if you include this in your set of replies, it will 1) make her worry that she actually will need to do something, 2) be a good excuse for this time that you can't have her dd, 3) make her start to look for a new victim.

Enjoy your summer holidays without her in it at all - don't feel guilty telling her no, doubly so if her dc are poorly - if you are poorly you can't risk getting additional bugs nor do you want to put your own dc at risk. Instead be proud of your assertiveness at standing up to and avoiding the machinations of a nasty CF!

She is your friend because of what you can do for her . Remind yourself of this every time she tries to take advantage of your good nature. I’ve had it from one parent who assumes that because I’m not on holidays for the summer I would love to have her three children a couple of times a week . She’s tried for a couple of years now . One of her children is best friends with one of mine , he’s welcome here anytime but I’m not looking after her whole squad .

There's at least one CF in every school. So many have had one. Stand firm. Remember, she's not a friend. As soon as you stop being of any use she'll move onto the next nice kind person and you'll not hear from her again. I had this from a mum who was busy "working" and dumped her dd on me. Then the daughter told me where she really was ( fitness class or pub). The same mum used to drive past us never once offering a lift. I nipped it in the bud and blocked her. And yes, she had a DH, and family so plenty of support.

Please don't justify it with any reason at all or give her addresses of helpful places, that's her job. I really do think you just have to keep saying No.I have helped you as much as I can and I am not able to continue. She won't like it but you don't like what she's doing to you either do you? I completely understand that its awkward because you have to see her at school but really its better if she is offended and stops asking you. When my personal CF realised that the jig was up, she offered her husband to take my child to school the next day. I declined and then she got her husband to ring mine and try to get him to agree to this. I was in the background saying I've already said no and I want to walk my child to school myself. They did this so that they could claim that the arrangement was reciprocal. It wasn't and trying to trick DH into agreeing to something so that I couldn't go back on it was the last straw. Don't give your CF the opportunity to try these tricks by explaining or apologising. Make the break and stand firm. You will be so glad you did.

Nothing beats saying No, over and over again.

I have a people-pleaser friend and when she's once again been landed with doing something she doesn't want, as a favour to someone else, I always annoyingly point out that nobody wastes their time asking me, because they know I'll say No.

CFs have a compass in their brains that leads them direct to the person who's too nice to say No.

It's awful that she's doing this she is fully taking advantage.
Totally unfair!

She sounds incredibly emotionally manipulative!
I'd back right off and just say no without an explanation and if she asks for one then just say because I said no and ignore any emotional blackmail she attempts!
You are not responsible in any way shape or form for their family!

You've got two options here.

1. grow a backbone and just say no no no no no.
2. develop a very nasty communicable disease.

I would just text and say I can't do this anymore please stop asking me. I'm unable to help anymore" or something like that, and then block.

Explain that you are becoming unwell because of all the extra commitments and you have to put yourself and your family first. You know that she will understand that you won’ t be able to help out anymore. Send a text.Block.

Take charge of your time or stop moaning. It really is up to YOU what YOU do.

Stop moaning? Urgh not sure what's going to be left in mumsnet if you take moaning off. Thought this place exactly for this kind of stuff? Thanks anyways for your time to read my moans and to personally answer!