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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a leaving gift of a 3 course lunch for every teacher and staff member is a bit OTT?

119 replies

goldenlight · 04/07/2018 19:38

My eldest DS is currently in year 6 and will be moving on to secondary school in September. A few of the yr 6 mothers discussed setting up a plan for all the yr6 parents to club together for a group thank you to the staff, which I agreed to contribute towards in principle as I imagined they were talking about a few drinks at the village pub or perhaps an informal ploughmans lunch. Now it transpires that the meal will be a 3 course affair for all the teachers, as well as the TAs and the secretary. They are asking for a contribution of £15 per parent which is just not affordable for us. We are already having to pay for a 'compulsory' school trip, as well as uniform for our 4 children and the usual additional school summer holiday expenditures, as well as our DD's birthday next month.
TBH I hadn't been planning on giving a present at all. I personally feel a handwritten, heartfelt thank you from a child is worth more to a teacher than a gift anyway. The trouble is if i refuse, I'll look mean and stingy and it will raise the cost for the other parents.
AIBU to not want to contribute to something on this scale? Any suggestions on how I could handle this?

OP posts:

HyacinthsBucket70 · 04/07/2018 20:05

It sounds utterly ridiculous. It's a hell of an assumption that the teaching staff all get on and want to spend time together outside of school especially at the end of the year! I'd say "oh so sorry, we arranged our gifts ages ago and the DCs will be heartbroken not to use them after they've gone to such a lot of effort".

arranfan · 04/07/2018 20:06

It's too much and other parents may well be grateful to you for speaking up.

Depending on where you are, teachers in a number of schools would like a thank you note and maybe a donation to the breakfast club or a scheme to keep free meals available to children who need them over the Summer.

mumsastudent · 04/07/2018 20:12

" I am really sorry but I cant afford this,& I am sure I am not alone, there are a lot of people whose income wont allow them to"

notmadeofmoney · 04/07/2018 20:13

We’ve been asked to contribute £20 to someone who is going to Saudi Arabia (why should we pay for them leaving the school for expat money?) and vouchers for teachers. It’s cost £200 on top of school fees this year for gifts for leavers and Christmas etc.

Then someone sent an email asking for another fiver from everyone to get a gift for the class rep who has been asking for the money for people all year. It’s self perpetuating!

Original poster

goldenlight · 04/07/2018 20:13

arranfan - thank you, a lovely suggestion but it is a small school in an affluent area so no great demand for these schemes.

OP posts:

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 04/07/2018 20:15

"Sorry I can't afford that"
Is all that is needed
It's amazing how liberating it is to say it

Original poster

goldenlight · 04/07/2018 20:16

notmadeofmoney

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 04/07/2018 20:17

Not only should you not contribute, but you would be doing the teachers a favour if you could say what an awful idea it is and knock it on the head.

Original poster

goldenlight · 04/07/2018 20:17

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree - Thank you. You are probably right.

OP posts:

topcat2014 · 04/07/2018 20:18

@LuLuJakey1 - I am giving #20 with the express wish it is spent on staff room biscuits.

Glad to see that will be ok :)

Would never dream of imposing on others to do similar amounts though.

gillybeanz · 04/07/2018 20:20

No matter how much the teachers like their colleagues, they aren't going to want to go out after work as they'll need to get back to their own families. What a stupid idea.
Just say no, I used to get the kids to make a card and send some chocs, or wine, or something small I'd know they'd like if I knew them well.

Atlastatlastatlast · 04/07/2018 20:27

Way too much and I imagine the teachers will be highly embarrassed.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 04/07/2018 20:30

Do you know what? The best gift I ever had was from was a Y6 lad who brought two big bunches of yellow roses into school on the last day of term and gave one to everyone who he felt had helped him while he was at school. I nearly cried when he came up and gave me one, it seemed so special.

LokiBear · 04/07/2018 20:35

Teacher here; handwritten notes are the best gift. We pin them to our staffroom wall for a time amd it lifts morale.

kateandme · 04/07/2018 20:39

when did giving teachers gift become a must or such a huge thing.is it another thing parent compete over who can give the biggest best most expensive.my teacher was overjoyed when given a card or a pen or a best teach choc coin!

FoodieToo · 04/07/2018 20:42

We are asked for 50 euro ( Ireland )at the end of primary for presents for teachers, head, secretary etc.

4GreenApples · 04/07/2018 20:43

This does sound like an odd gift. Clearly the organisers work in jobs where they love all their colleagues and are happy to spend their free time with them rather than with family or friends

One of my DC’s classes is doing a voluntary class collection for the teacher.

The organiser has said that the teacher will be getting a gift card with the proceeds of the collection so that the teacher can choose for herself what she wants her gift to be. A much more sensible idea IMO.

rosesgarden · 04/07/2018 20:43

It's a ridiculous idea, it's also putting pressure on teachers to do something they might not want to do. How presumptuous to think all the teaching staff have no other commitments too. Most people when they've finished work just want to get home.

halfwitpicker · 04/07/2018 20:43

It also assumes that the staff want to socialise together....

Ragwort · 04/07/2018 20:46

I'd vowed to stop commenting on these threads (after 18 years of Mumsnet ) but it is just ridiculous how much money is spent on teacher gifts, and I do believe it is totally unprofessional for teachers to accept any more than a very small, token gift (£1). In what other professions do people lavish gifts routinely at the end of each year and Christmas?. (Unless for exceptional service in hospital perhaps?).

And whilst on the subject, the people that really deserve your gifts are the volunteers who do so much for your children - Brownie Leaders, sports coaches etc - these are the people I thank, people who give up their own time to help our children.

I would hope that any Head Teacher aware of staff being given an expensive meal out would immediately let the organisers know that it is totally inappropriate.

rainbowfudgee · 04/07/2018 20:46

We have an optional end of term night out at my school and I usually go. Obviously I pay for my own food and drinks. But to have this as the gift is strange.

A tin of biscuits for the staffroom, new mug or bottle of wine is generous enough. I'd rather not receive flowers in case I go away for a few days early in the holidays. My social life shouldn't be funded by parents of children I teach!

Passmethecrisps · 04/07/2018 20:49

I completely agree ragwort. I wish that schools put a limit on it personally. It really bothers me that kids may feel pressure to give a gift in a fancy package

rainbowfudgee · 04/07/2018 20:49

I've never received a joint gift card but would be very happy with John Lewis or M&S... it needs to be voluntary though and not £15, more like under a fiver each.

RebelRogue · 04/07/2018 20:49

I'm a TA and I would hate this!! Then I'd worry about the parents that struggled to afford it or the ones(and their kids) that are feeling left out. Then I'd feel guilty for not wanting to go.

Just say you can't afford it or if you don't want to admit it say you're doing/already bought your own thing.

RebelRogue · 04/07/2018 20:50

P.S. just ordered gifts for my kids for the end of year. 25 of them. Not a joint meal though.

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