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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse ds a birthday party on these grounds?

81 replies

theduchessstill · 03/07/2018 20:13

He will be 9 in a few weeks. He has always been stubborn but his behaviour has been increasingly worse over the last few months - though he's perfect at school/CM's etc. I think a lot of it is related to too much screen, partly because of a lack of limits at his dad's, so he's currently banned indefinitely from his favourite game - the only one he actually plays.

This evening he was given a clear limit and plenty of warnings about when he had to turn his music off, and he pretty much did it. He needed to read his school book and do piano practice before bed. He was about to, but then found out his brother had left his instrument at school for the second night in a row, so he wouldn't be practising. Cue a rage from ds2 - it's not fair, I won't practice then etc etc. To me, these issues aren't related, and ds1 knows he will have to do extra practice tomorrow night for forgetting it twice, but ds is wailing and carrying. Then ds1 started trying to appease him, saying he would ban himself off fortnite if ds2 does his practice. This is unacceptable to me, and I have told him so many times he is not to intervene in this way, but he says he can't stand the tantrums.

The result tonight is that ds2 has done his piano and reading, but with a lot of carrying on, and I am worn out by it, as usual. I have told him ds1 is not banned off anything. He is continually saying he hates his life and wants to die, which makes me feel awful, but once the drama is over (and before it) he is happy as larry. He was told at the weekend unless he stops creating every night about the 20-30 mins homework he has to do (Sun-Thurs only) he will not be allowed back on xbox and he won't be having a party - or, at least, will have a very low-key one, and certainly no sleepover.

WIBU to follow through on this? I just don't know what to do. I'm on my own and their dad s currently away, which I actually thought would make things easier as I could stick to a routine, but it's something every night, pretty much.

I don't want him to be unhappy, obviously, but I hate the way ds1 seems to feel responsible, and I don't think he should be tantruming like this at his age. I'm also is a stressful f/t job and having to work at home most evenings too, and I feel ready to snap - the last thing I need is a sleepover, which makes me think I'm looking for a reason to ban it, which isn't fair.

OP posts:

Fflamingo · 03/07/2018 20:25

Stand firm, don’t let him see he is getting to you, don’t be influenced by DS1s input. Don’t make it look like you can’t cope without DH.
About the party, sort of depends how important a sleepover is to DS2, if it’s vital to him have sleepover if not do something easier.

MatildaTheCat · 03/07/2018 20:32

He doesn’t sound as if he is well equipped to deal with a sleep over tbh. There are bound to be issues and tantrums if it doesn’t all go exactly as he has it planned or as soon as somebody upsets him. However, not having it should not be a punishment as such but a decision you are making for him as the adult.

I would keep things low key and look at ways of reducing his stress and anger. My Dn also has these rages and it’s very tricky. Have you read The Explosive Child? I have heard great things about it.

NewYearNewMe18 · 03/07/2018 20:34

If music practice is a chore - why are you making him take lessons? He's clearly not doing it for the love of it.

NewYearNewMe18 · 03/07/2018 20:37

He is continually saying he hates his life and wants to die
I wouldn't be ignoring a 9yo saying that TBH

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2018 20:40

I would never link a birthday and punishment.

And he does sound very volatile. How are you managing that? Because consequences aren't the best way to deal with behaviour.

Maelstrop · 03/07/2018 20:40

2 separate issues: DS1 needs to be spoken to separately and told very strictly not to appease his brother because it’s undermining you.

Secondly, if you’ve threatened something eg no party (don’t then say, oh, ok, only a low key one, then, that’s undermining yourself!!) then you MUST follow through. Don’t listen to him whining, give him an option of doing as asked then follow through with whatever sanction you told him.

Summersnake · 03/07/2018 20:41

I think he's trying to tell you something...the tantrums / saying he wants to die...I think you need to be getting to the bottom of what's up

RedHelenB · 03/07/2018 20:48

My ds was horrible in y5 and said similar. He's a lot better now . I wouldn't stop a birthday party tough. Also stop the music lessons if he won't practise, it's causing unnecessary arguments!

Raven88 · 03/07/2018 20:51

Does he want to learn the piano or are you forcing him to?

Raven88 · 03/07/2018 20:59

Maybe he is struggling with school and hates doing his reading? It sounds like your punishment is not being allowed on the Xbox and losing his birthday party if it is that's a bit much.

If he makes a carry on about homework why not just ignore him and when it comes time to hand it in he will face the consequences of not doing it from the teacher. You could tell the teacher that this is what you are doing and maybe she could keep him behind at lunch to do it.

I would make a set time for homework and if he refuses ignore him and don't give him attention. Just let him know that it makes no difference to you because it's not you that gets the row.

Original poster

theduchessstill · 03/07/2018 21:00

I actually think I am managing his volatility pretty well atm, in that I am calm and not rising to it. Tonight's business was over in about half an hour, and that included the time he was actually doing the tasks, it's just that it's exhausting to deal with and it feels like I have to go through some kind of ordeal every night. He apologised after but he does this whole 'I'm an idiot, I'll never go on screen again...' and I'm never sure whether he is doing it to get sympathy, or whether he genuinely feels bad.

I realise dropping music would make things easier, but I actually think he wants to continue. He is obsessed with music, and is working towards getting some sheet music for songs of his favourite singer. I feel it would be a great shame to just give up on it, and he's exactly the same about anything else he has to do that interrupts his preferred activities, but he can't give up on swimming, chores and all other homework, can he?

I'm also not at all sure that a sleepover would go particularly well anyway as there seem to be s many fall-outs with his friends and him, unlike ds1. I may ask to see his teacher to see if she is aware of any problems at school and go from there.

OP posts:

Mrspotter12 · 03/07/2018 21:02

That's a lot of homework for a yr 4 to be doing.

NWQM · 03/07/2018 21:05

I could do easily have written your post - change son to six year old daughter but not very little else. This sending a virtual hug and wishes for us both that this gets a bit easier. I have told my daughter no party until her behaviour improves. I need tomorrow to work out what that means as known it’s a bit vague but genuinely don’t feel that she can act the way she is and me have the confidence to do a sleepover.

TheBlueDot · 03/07/2018 21:07

I get like this with my similar aged DS. He frustrates me no end.

I work a FT job and am a single parent too. Part of the issue is that I just want him to behave in the evenings and get ready for bed etc so that I can get on with work. But I spend so much time dealing with him and continuinely asking him to get ready for bed that I feel wrung out, dreading how much work I have to do.

I tell myself it’s not DS fault that I have to work etc. But if he would just do things without creating, we’d be a far happier household. I don’t want to be the mum who’s continuously telling him off but we seem stuck in this cycle.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/07/2018 21:08

He is continually saying he hates his life and wants to die
I wouldn't be ignoring a 9yo saying that TBH

^ this

What does he hate so much? Is he getting enough downtime from school, homework and music etc lessons? Does he get enough fun away from work and screens, with friends doing activities or just being kids with a football, or bikes, scooters etc.

JessicaJonesJacket · 03/07/2018 21:08

I wouldn't cancel his party.

I would change his routine - reading and practice just before bed when he's going to be tired is a recipe for disaster.I'd say he has to complete reading and practice earlier and only gets to play music once they're completed.

Don't get drawn into arguments. He has x amount of time to complete them. If he hasn't completed the reading then say he has to tell the teacher or you refuse to sign his reading record so the teacher knows he hasn't completed it.

Rebecca36 · 03/07/2018 21:10

Might be a good idea to let him 'get on with it' for a while and appear not to be bothered. Sit down and read a book, look up and smile if he asks you anything and then go back to your book.

He might calm down a bit if he sees you aren't reacting.

Take him and some of his friends for a meal for his birthday.

You have my sympathy! We all worry about our kids but yours will be fine, trust me.

TheBlueDot · 03/07/2018 21:12

I wouldn’t cancel a birthday party. It’s important for DS to have friends and it seems quite harsh to not have birthday parties as a child. My parents used to cancel parties for my brother. He was more volatile than me and found impulse control harder. Even as a child I thought it wasn’t really fair to cancel his parties, they just feel so important when you’re young.

heatwave2018 · 03/07/2018 21:12

Yes you need to ban the party so his learns his lesson else he will know he can get away with it!

billybagpuss · 03/07/2018 21:13

How are your mornings? Can he do 15/20 minutes piano before school rather than in the evenings. He'll be fresh and its done then he can have more down time afterwards. I find my best pupils do their practise in the morning.

Believeitornot · 03/07/2018 21:13

Do not discount this I'm also is a stressful f/t job and having to work at home most evenings too, and I feel ready to snap

I work in a very stressful job and my stress levels make a massive difference to how I deal with my dcs.

I couldn’t quite follow the issue with your dcs but first of all make sure you treat them fairly. Something like the music practice - I would have let both practice on the same day -‘what’s the big deal?

I wouldn’t ban screens indefinitely. Why not agree set limits and any bans are for one session at a time?

My ds is a similar age and he gets tired. We keep screen time down to a minimum but we don’t ban it for long stretches because that’s just pointless.

He might be saying that he’s stupid etc etc because the punishments are a bit too over the top and he feels helpless in that nothing he does will be good enough to make up for it.

olivesnutsandcheese · 03/07/2018 21:14

I wouldn't worry about a party. Sort out the routine first. Homework then music practice - if completed properly then a finite amount of screen time, switched off at least an hour before bed followed by reading in bed. Any funny business around turning off the screens then less time tomorrow etc

Grimbles · 03/07/2018 21:18

Has ds1 been 'punished' for forgetting his instrument again? Looking at it through the eyes of an 8 yrs old, his brother is getting away with not doing his practice by leaving his instrument at school, whilst he has to do it

Arum51 · 03/07/2018 21:18

Is he doing anything he actually likes? Forced piano practice, homework, chores, barred from his game... is he having any fun at all? Refusing him a birthday party seems a bit extreme, even if it;s not a sleepover, surely you can manage something? Maybe a bit more carrot, a bit less stick?

TantricTwist · 03/07/2018 21:19

There is nothing worse in life than being forced to do piano or violin practice.

Kids play differently to the way we did, we just need to catch up with that fact.

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