To refuse ds a birthday party on these grounds?

[theduchessstill]

He will be 9 in a few weeks. He has always been stubborn but his behaviour has been increasingly worse over the last few months - though he's perfect at school/CM's etc. I think a lot of it is related to too much screen, partly because of a lack of limits at his dad's, so he's currently banned indefinitely from his favourite game - the only one he actually plays.

This evening he was given a clear limit and plenty of warnings about when he had to turn his music off, and he pretty much did it. He needed to read his school book and do piano practice before bed. He was about to, but then found out his brother had left his instrument at school for the second night in a row, so he wouldn't be practising. Cue a rage from ds2 - it's not fair, I won't practice then etc etc. To me, these issues aren't related, and ds1 knows he will have to do extra practice tomorrow night for forgetting it twice, but ds is wailing and carrying. Then ds1 started trying to appease him, saying he would ban himself off fortnite if ds2 does his practice. This is unacceptable to me, and I have told him so many times he is not to intervene in this way, but he says he can't stand the tantrums.

The result tonight is that ds2 has done his piano and reading, but with a lot of carrying on, and I am worn out by it, as usual. I have told him ds1 is not banned off anything. He is continually saying he hates his life and wants to die, which makes me feel awful, but once the drama is over (and before it) he is happy as larry. He was told at the weekend unless he stops creating every night about the 20-30 mins homework he has to do (Sun-Thurs only) he will not be allowed back on xbox and he won't be having a party - or, at least, will have a very low-key one, and certainly no sleepover.

WIBU to follow through on this? I just don't know what to do. I'm on my own and their dad s currently away, which I actually thought would make things easier as I could stick to a routine, but it's something every night, pretty much.

I don't want him to be unhappy, obviously, but I hate the way ds1 seems to feel responsible, and I don't think he should be tantruming like this at his age. I'm also is a stressful f/t job and having to work at home most evenings too, and I feel ready to snap - the last thing I need is a sleepover, which makes me think I'm looking for a reason to ban it, which isn't fair.

Can he do the chores, homework etc when he comes in and then allowed to relax, play his game whatever he wants after that. It's almost impossible I think to have playtime and then get into the homework zone later when exhausted. But I'm with the others saying don't use bday as punishment. Have a nice relaxed, low key celebration ( not sleepover!) And use it as something positive to look forward to. He sounds like he needs support not punishment, definitely talk to his teacher. My dD is a few months younger, but at this age there do seem to be lots of changes in their social interactions. This school year is the first time she has really struggled socially, there seems to be a lot of change in the kids relationships and friendship groups at school. Plus I think the first pre-adolescent hormonal changes start around now as well.

Stop piling punishment on top of punishment. That never works.

How is this policy working out for your DD? I'm not sure you should be supporting non-compliance with homework at such an early age. It's such a piddly amount that they have to do, to start with. How is your DD getting on academically?

How is 30 mins of homework non-compliance? Most teachers set time limits and say stop even if they haven't finished. It helps them and the child.

Oh and BTW OP I had weekly dramas about swimming lessons from DD. Not from DS interestingly enough although he could never swim half as well as DD

I just insisted on it. I kept insisting on it. Swimming is a life skill. After years of tantrums DD just did it, carried on doing it, swam competitively and when she stopped swimming (because it was all getting a bit OTT with swimming clubs wanting us all to get up aat 5AM to go to some random pool for training) we agreed she was fully competent in the water and she'd done enough.

Now she's 20 one of the things she always says to me is that she's glad I didn't put up with any of her nonsense and kept her going through it. She loved swimming in reality - the thing was she did like to kick against the harness did DD.

It's so easy as a parent to give up when they start kicking off. Don't give up. By giving up you're taking the easy road for you.

On a side note, set up parental controls on the XBox and use them to limit playing time to an hour a day or something. My kids always took it better when it was "the computer says no" rather than us (even though they knew we set it!). Doing practice, homework, some chores might earn extra time...

Is there an element of end-of-termitis?

If you have told him he can have a sleepover I do not think you should cancel it. Children remember birthdays forever in a way they forget other stuff and I'd never link punishment to birthday celebrations.

You have a lot on your plate so this is not a criticism, but I do think you are looking for a reason not to do the sheep over. Becayse truly even if it's not a great success what's really the worst that can happen? He will be hugely resentful if you cancel.

A 9 year old saying they want to die is something to take seriously.

Coping with his volatility by remaining calm is necessary but not sufficient. You also need to ensure he knows you can empathise with him. I also work full time in a demanding job. It's so easy to see our children making a big fuss over stuff we would just get on with and feel frustrated. I sympathise. But 9 is still very young. He doesn't have the emotional maturity of his older brother.

I speak as a parent of a much loved daughter (now 17 - oldest of 3) who has struggled with serious mental health issues (very severe anorexia) for the past 2 years. I can allow myself that since her diagnosis I have been quite effective at supporting her and assisting her to get to a point of recovery. But looking back to her younger childhood there are things I'd have done differently. Less pressure (music practice actually being one of them) and just "picking my battles" really.

Good lunch With whatever you decide to do.

Ffs give him a break, in more ways than!

Thanks goldmandra

Pretty much EXACTLY that..

It’s well known that homework at primary school level makes no difference to academic outcomes once you correct for family background (and I come from a family of over educated over achievers. me, her dad and all our respective siblings have some kind of postgraduate qualifications so she is highly likley to have inherited intelligence, curiosity and bloody mindedness from us motley lot.)

My main concern for her education is that it doesn’t stifle her love of learning by stressing her and she was getting very stressed and anxious if she didn’t understand or couldn’t complete a homework task. Which is why I agreed a time limit with the teacher. He felt it would work well for her. And it has.

Sometimes the Rules have to be applied with a bit of discretion.

Agree with Arum completely.

And as others say let the poor kid have his party, birthdays shouldn’t ever punishments

be*

As for the sleepover...

Can you ‚‘postpone‘ it. So offer him something he wants now, trip to a theme park, go camping, Full cake to himself or something nice so he doesn’t feel he has lost out.

Say that you can’t do a sleepover just yet, YOU aren’t up to the responsibility of having other kids round just yet, but if he behaves well and you feel that he and his friends are mature enough , you WILL do him one in a few months eg a spooky Halloween one or something. And give him a written promise on that. In a Card or something maybe.

Then he doesn’t feel punished, and has a big carrot to look forward to.

Let him be a kid, don't cancel his birthday party as he will always remember it and will resent you when he's older for it and also why make him do so much homework and music it's end of term nearly let him be a kid and play out ...your only young once,

Save your battles for when there at high school and homework matters more.

you are looking for a reason not to do the sheep over.

Well who can blame her? I don't much like sheep. Goats on the other hand ....

Where is dad?
Away on work is that an issue?
Or is it a recent separation?
Give d's some slack but remain firm about non negotiable.
Homeeork he does.
But piano ? Stop fighting it...If he drops piano for six months or more so what ?. Just don't pay for any more lessons til he asks.
I started an instrument age 12 and got to a high standard because I was motivated enough.it s not too late then

I wouldn't cancel his birthday party. I think kids moaning and putting off homework is normal unless you have a firm routine in place, have a set amount of time to relax after school then start homework at a set time.

I would be concerned about a 9 year old saying he hates his life and wants to die.

Maybe he could play his game for a certain amount of time if he does homework/music practice first.

Sleepovers can be stressful but easier if you can limi the numbers who are coming.

I agree with the majority. You need to find ways to be positive with your ds. My dd is 10, pretty mature for her age and in yr5. She would find it difficult to cope with this regime. Additionally your ds is July/August born. School is already far more of a strain on him than his older classmates let alone what you are piling on. How about asking him what is fair and coming up with an agreement together? Instrument practice short bursts 15/20 mins 3/week is enough for example.

As for the sleepover. Do something really ace with his friends for his birthday. Take responsibility for no sleepover and make it clear it is not a punishment. Tell him you won’t cope with everyone together and offer to have his friends over individually or in pairs in the holiday. Much more fun as its spread out and he gets both a party and a few sleepovers and your other ds may be able invite a friend over also.

How much time do you spend on fun things with your boys? You all sound very stressed tbh. It sounds like you could do with finding time for family stuff.

OP I have a daughter like your DS2. Honestly, sanctions don't seem to have any long term impact. And any give in the form of letting her off one night or saying she can do X if she does her practice without fuss just end up with her kicking off further when she doesn't get to do X because she fussed over the practice. So I wouldn't cancel his party (which I think is actually too severe a punishment anyway).

It is draining to have her make a 15 minute practice session last 45 minutes because she's complaining and stamping her feet about having to do it. We are beginning to see a bit of improvement at the moment and that seems to come down to her maturing a bit and us heaping praise on her when things do go right. It is slow going though and it drives me mad putting up with it.

Dont threaten to do x or y then waver about it. Be consistent and carry through with what you've said will happen. By vacillating you give him the tools to manipulate you with. He sounds quite good at it already. If you've said to him 'no party' then no party.

OP my heart goes out to you . Also work FT have similar profile

I think you have a lot on plate and might need to take a bit of a step back with regards to your son . Sounds like yOh need some sanity to work out a solution here as he is at that angry explosive age you need to me mega calm to handle it

There are loads of solutions but you need to be in a decent head space to implement them

A schedule that you all agree sounds like a starter for ten

Do you get respite when they are at Dad ? And are you using it to chill and be happy ?

I wouldn't be ignoring him saying he wants to die. Perhaps that's linked to his tantrums - is he feeling very unable to cope?

Perhaps scale back the amount of work he's doing. Less piano practice, less time spent on homework, and when he's allowed to play his game again less time on that too. Maybe an earlier bedtime?

I think you need to talk to him as well. Poor thing sounds a bit overwhelmed.

As previous posters have said, you shouldn't link birthdays and punishment.

This sounds like our house. Things that have really helped are no tv etc before piano practice. We have instigated Tech only on 1.night a week which has made a massive difference. Toddler style tantrums bring bedtime forward the next night as he must be so tired he needs an earlier night!

To all the posters worrying about him saying he is suicidal- he’s a kid being melodramatic. When I was a stroppy ten year old I would ALWAYS say histrionics like that, I never meant it. If he genuinely thought it he wouldn’t scream it about playing the piano.

You seem to be ignoring these posters anyway OP, so you are obviously very aware of this.