To refuse ds a birthday party on these grounds?

[theduchessstill]

He will be 9 in a few weeks. He has always been stubborn but his behaviour has been increasingly worse over the last few months - though he's perfect at school/CM's etc. I think a lot of it is related to too much screen, partly because of a lack of limits at his dad's, so he's currently banned indefinitely from his favourite game - the only one he actually plays.

This evening he was given a clear limit and plenty of warnings about when he had to turn his music off, and he pretty much did it. He needed to read his school book and do piano practice before bed. He was about to, but then found out his brother had left his instrument at school for the second night in a row, so he wouldn't be practising. Cue a rage from ds2 - it's not fair, I won't practice then etc etc. To me, these issues aren't related, and ds1 knows he will have to do extra practice tomorrow night for forgetting it twice, but ds is wailing and carrying. Then ds1 started trying to appease him, saying he would ban himself off fortnite if ds2 does his practice. This is unacceptable to me, and I have told him so many times he is not to intervene in this way, but he says he can't stand the tantrums.

The result tonight is that ds2 has done his piano and reading, but with a lot of carrying on, and I am worn out by it, as usual. I have told him ds1 is not banned off anything. He is continually saying he hates his life and wants to die, which makes me feel awful, but once the drama is over (and before it) he is happy as larry. He was told at the weekend unless he stops creating every night about the 20-30 mins homework he has to do (Sun-Thurs only) he will not be allowed back on xbox and he won't be having a party - or, at least, will have a very low-key one, and certainly no sleepover.

WIBU to follow through on this? I just don't know what to do. I'm on my own and their dad s currently away, which I actually thought would make things easier as I could stick to a routine, but it's something every night, pretty much.

I don't want him to be unhappy, obviously, but I hate the way ds1 seems to feel responsible, and I don't think he should be tantruming like this at his age. I'm also is a stressful f/t job and having to work at home most evenings too, and I feel ready to snap - the last thing I need is a sleepover, which makes me think I'm looking for a reason to ban it, which isn't fair.

A punishment should be something a child can learn from but then leave behind afterwards. Missing one of your few childhood birthday parties is something he'd remember more than the lesson intended.

What time does he get up in the morning, get home from school and what time does he go to bed? School, homework, dinner, chores, reading, music practice might just be a little too much for him to handle every night, maybe something needs to give. He's only 9 and needs chill out time.

I would never use a child’s birthday celebration as a punishment.
Do as a op suggests and get him to do the essential stuff first and have free time after. Then he is only impacting on his own free time by delaying his homework.

Gosh he spends loads of time doing things he likes - he had over an hour when he got in today with Spotify and him singing along with his mic.

I have had to ban the game (Roblox) because no matter what limits etc I put on, he couldn't seem to cope with coming off without a massive fuss. Things are actually a bit better this week without that, at least.

I think reading/music would be better before fun stuff, but on nights he goes to after school care, it's just too late when we get in as I need to get straight on with tea.

Homework then music practice - if completed properly then a finite amount of screen time, switched off at least an hour before bed followed by reading in bed. Any funny business around turning off the screens then less time tomorrow etc

I've pretty much been doing this, though sometimes the other way round, and we've in a constant cycle of him being banned/limited the next day. It's exhausting and feels like life is full of conflict.

*Might be a good idea to let him 'get on with it' for a while and appear not to be bothered. Sit down and read a book, look up and smile if he asks you anything and then go back to your book.

He might calm down a bit if he sees you aren't reacting.*

I'm also doing this - but, again, exhausting, as ds1 keeps trying to cut in and intervene. It does work, though, yes - today he actually did calm down pretty quickly, it's just utter shit while it's happening.

I honestly don't know whether he hates his life or is being dramatic...

He sounds knackered to me
School
Then childminders
Homework
Music Practice
Chores
They all are knackered, its the end of term, it's too bloody hot
sanctimonious big brother pushing his buttons

I definitely wouldn't cancel his birthday celebration but potentially agree re the sleepover, on the basis of knackeredness

Also, I think you are expecting him to behave like a little adult. He's 9 and whilst I appreciate you probably have to run a tighter ship as a single parent (and issues you hint at with ex) I would give the kid a bit of a break.

well you made the threat so you can't back down.
But you could allow him to do things to earn lots of praise. It sounds as though he is a kid with low self esteem, perhaps struggling with the demands on him and with keeping up with a bigger brother? Make sure you notice and praise everything he does well, every helpful thing, reading well, doing his homework. Is he overtired and suffering from the heat/light nights? Cut the kid some slack, it's summer!

also agree with the reaction to tantrums
its hideous whilst its happening
(I now have large teens still prone to the odd one)
I channel the zen I managed when they were toddlers: its no reflection on you; they need to do it for their development; just decide you can't hear it; don't fuel it (or let DS1)

Send your other child away when dealing with him. My dd does this - intefers when trying to deal with ds. She is jealous of the attention.

With homework let him face the consequences. We had massive battles about homework but I spoke to the teacher who said it doesn’t matter (he’s 8).

My ds is obsessed with minecraft but I don’t use it as a punishment unless I’m desperate or at the end of my tether. What alternative threats do you use?

I think half an hour homework, plus reading, plus piano practice is a lot every evening, night in, night out, for an 8 year old, who sounds like quite an immature 8 year old.

What sort of homework is it?

And swimming and chores....

Everyone wants to just flop out in this weather.

I wouldn’t just vaguely ban his game in a random manner, instead of ladling on more punishment and pressure, give him a half hour of his game as soon as his homework is done. Reward him, give him a set amount of time. If he stops without a fuss, add 2 minutes to the next night, and re-set each week so that he has an extra 10 mins at the end of each week, starting again at 30 the next Monday.

How long since the split for his dad?

And I agree with the others- too much stuff he doesn't enjoy.
Too much homework, he needs to take a little more responsibility for that.
The music - let him give up or move at him own pace, forcing is only likely to put him off.

He sounds very sad.

DS (happy, settled and thriving as a teen) used to say he hated his life and wanted to die, at 8. I think there is something developmental, they suddenly realise there is a death, or something.

How about possibly giving him time doing the things he loves as a reward for doing his homework and music practice. Perhaps a visual reward chart would help with fun stickers. Sometimes praise works better than consequences. Not really a fan of cancelling a birthday party as I have always felt that consequences need to be immediate, rather than lingering on. When I was a child my friend's mother cancelled Christmas because he misbehaved and he didn't get his presents until Easter!

erm I genuinely think you need to call GP and Camhs immediately like 9 tomorrow. A young lass in Kendal said the same 24/7 to everyone and she went thru with it. Her X bf found her and she was still warm. please don't let him suffer and for God's sake let the child live a little...

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/helena-farrell-familys-grief-over-1521644

Having read your posts, you've described a child who:

is struggling with social interaction
gets upset about rules being broken
tantrums like a much younger child
is obsessed with music
is angelic at school and with the childminder
regularly says he hates his life and wants to die
needs plenty of warning of transitions
expresses negative thoughts about himself
struggles with homework (?)

There are some significant things missing from your description like sensory issues and problems with changes to routine but it may still be helpful for you to read a bit about Asperger's Syndrome/High Functioning Autism. Even if you don't feel the overall description fits him, some of the strategies to help children with AS/ASD may be helpful to you.

is the stuff about hating his life just during the tantrums or at other times too? have you talked to him about it and how does he react?

I'm grateful for all responses, btw.

I don't think he has too much to do in an evening - the half an hour is music and reading. That is the homework - there's no more! As for chores, though I did mention some, there aren't any, really! I meant very basic stuff like taking own plate to dishwasher/clothes to the laundry. Nothing more taxing than that. Swimming is only once a week, though he makes an almighty fuss about it (it's Friday, and I'm dreading it already, but he's behind, so can't stop).

I get that it's hot. The thing is, if I don't get him to do 30 minutes, on the nights when I pick him up from school (a new thing due to my ex buggering off to work away with no notice - I've had to get special dispensation to leave work early twice a week til the end of term to accommodate) then we are home for about 4 hours before bed. He has NO interest in doing ANYTHING other than Spotify/xbox/youtube, and I have tried to do all manner of things, but he won't. So, I don't feel 30 minutes out of 4 hours is really all that much...

I may do reading OR piano on the other 2 nights though to make them a bit easier.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain - which may or may not be helpful to you OP

I do believe as all/most of parents of young uns who play a musical instrument believe, that it's down to us as parents to ensure they practice. Once it gets codified, they just do it.

The reading and homework just has to be done

In reality we are not talking chimney sweep territory. What, they get home at 3.30, have a bit of a snack, chill out a bit, and then half an hour of piano practice and half an hour of homework - and we have to have an instant melodrama?

I think your instincts are right but I'd let him have a birthday party.

Does he do music practice and homework every day? Seems excessive. My Y5 DD has about 20-30 mins homework a week. She plays an instrument, practises about once a week on average. But she enjoys it. Forcing him to practise every night is excessive in my opinion- at this age it should just be for fun! He sounds exhausted.

These games are addictive (this is proven)
Being arsey about stopping is deffo a common thing
I would limit use to agreed days/lengths of time. Write it on the fridge for reference.

workload and expectations seem much less than you initially suggested. I'd go with feeling messed about by flakey dad; end of term; heat; feeling your additional stress

Honestly?

Dial everything back

He’s exhausted and so are you.

Homework is bollocks at that age.

We were getting nightly meltdowns over homework but Not I leave my 8yo to self-police on homework and she generally does it, but if not she gets consequences from school, not me. I just provide the room, desk and stationery for her to get on with it. Or not.

I also set a 30 minute rule on homework to stop it taking over. So if she decides to do it, I stop her at 30 mins and assure her I will deal with any consequences from school if it isn’t complete.

I agreed this with the teacher as she and I were stressing massively about it. The teacher knows I’m suppotive but also won’t allow it to rule her (and my) downtime.

We’ve had exactly zero tantrums since I set this policy.

And let him drop formal music lessons. I think if he’s interested he’ll return to it in his own time. Life is too short to be this damn difficult.

As for the party, I think he’d be overwhelmed by a sleepover, so stick to your instincts here as pp said, not a punishment just you, as the adult managing the situation appropriately.

Good luck, you all sound like you desperately need a break.

Hi OP

Your son sounds very similar to my DD. She went through a particularly bad stage from about 8 to 10, with tantrums about things like homework or piano practice, saying she hated her life, etc. She is definitely an “explosive child”, with some anxiety and possibly asd thrown in. But we have muddled through and now in year 7 things are much better.

Btw, I would definitely not cancel his party.

YABU
Missing a birthday is something you can never get back and even when behaviour improves the resentment will still be there.

So if she decides to do it, I stop her at 30 mins and assure her I will deal with any consequences from school if it isn’t complete.

How is this policy working out for your DD? I'm not sure you should be supporting non-compliance with homework at such an early age. It's such a piddly amount that they have to do, to start with. How is your DD getting on academically?

Slightly off subject I know, but isn't he a bit too old at 9, to be having birthday parties? At 4, my dgs has parties (the whole class of 30 kids).

At 9, it would be bowling/rollerskating, Nandos etc. for two or three close friends. Much less work, much more fun. And no sleepover!

Yes, I won't outright cancel the birthday party, but I really don't think a sleepover is a good idea. I don't even know if he knows what he wants from it and it could well be a complete disaster. Fuck, I've messed up - I should have said no it from the start. How can I get out of it without causing resentment more fucking conflict?