To refuse ds a birthday party on these grounds?

[theduchessstill]

He will be 9 in a few weeks. He has always been stubborn but his behaviour has been increasingly worse over the last few months - though he's perfect at school/CM's etc. I think a lot of it is related to too much screen, partly because of a lack of limits at his dad's, so he's currently banned indefinitely from his favourite game - the only one he actually plays.

This evening he was given a clear limit and plenty of warnings about when he had to turn his music off, and he pretty much did it. He needed to read his school book and do piano practice before bed. He was about to, but then found out his brother had left his instrument at school for the second night in a row, so he wouldn't be practising. Cue a rage from ds2 - it's not fair, I won't practice then etc etc. To me, these issues aren't related, and ds1 knows he will have to do extra practice tomorrow night for forgetting it twice, but ds is wailing and carrying. Then ds1 started trying to appease him, saying he would ban himself off fortnite if ds2 does his practice. This is unacceptable to me, and I have told him so many times he is not to intervene in this way, but he says he can't stand the tantrums.

The result tonight is that ds2 has done his piano and reading, but with a lot of carrying on, and I am worn out by it, as usual. I have told him ds1 is not banned off anything. He is continually saying he hates his life and wants to die, which makes me feel awful, but once the drama is over (and before it) he is happy as larry. He was told at the weekend unless he stops creating every night about the 20-30 mins homework he has to do (Sun-Thurs only) he will not be allowed back on xbox and he won't be having a party - or, at least, will have a very low-key one, and certainly no sleepover.

WIBU to follow through on this? I just don't know what to do. I'm on my own and their dad s currently away, which I actually thought would make things easier as I could stick to a routine, but it's something every night, pretty much.

I don't want him to be unhappy, obviously, but I hate the way ds1 seems to feel responsible, and I don't think he should be tantruming like this at his age. I'm also is a stressful f/t job and having to work at home most evenings too, and I feel ready to snap - the last thing I need is a sleepover, which makes me think I'm looking for a reason to ban it, which isn't fair.

@Cathena

If there's an indication (and he's literally saying it) that a child is having suicidal thoughts, you should look into it. If you ignored it, and the child really did have MH issues, it would be devastating for the child and probably you.

Of course it's not necessarily that he is suicidal. It suggests that he's very unhappy/unsettled, I'd want to look into it.

On the flipside, if he is feeling absolutely no upset at all and saying he is suicidal because he knows it will elicit a reaction, I'd want to have a word with any of my DC about that kind of behaviour.

It's definitely not the sort of thing I would ignore.

If you're cancelling the sleepover (which seems wise) then don't pretend you're deferring it to a different time. You need to come up with an alternative party/trip that seems even better than a sleepover. I'm assuming that he hasn't already told his friends about the sleepover. If he has, then I think you should try to go ahead with it.

Well, just to update, today was a lot better and we have taken someone's advice upthread to do a party on his birthday at a venue he chooses, and then I have said I will arrange a couple of smaller sleepovers over the summer. He is happy with this as it's 3 events instead of 1 and gives him something to look forward to over the summer when we don't tend to see a lot of school friends. I have said I will sort dates with parents before we break up, which I certainly will.

As to his talk of death, I don't think he is suicidal, but I do think he gets very frustrated by things and I'm not ignoring it. I am seeing his teacher later this week as I do believe social issues are often difficult for him, so I'd like to get her perspective. However, it is the case that he isn't generally down and doesn't make these comments at random times, just when something he doesn't like is happening, but I do take it seriously because it's a horrible thing to be hearing, so I want to know exactly why he's saying it.

I am a little shocked by all the people saying he does far too much. I totally accept that I may need to let go of things if he gets really upset one evening, but a lot of people seem to think in principle 15 minutes each of reading and piano practice 4 times a week is too much for a 9 year old, and I don't agree with that at all. It may be too much for my 9 year old some nights, but some are acting like it's the most punishing regime they've heard of, which I find odd.

I already feel bad for getting divorced and disadvantaging the dc by doing that, I'm not about to give up on music etc to create a situation where he does nothing remotely enriching, ever. Their dad does fuck all with them ever.

@theduchessstill

Good to hear it's going better!

I didn't mean to imply that it was a punishing regime for a 9 year old, it's just that the fact that these tantrums seemed to come about as a result of the work made me think that it might be a bit too much for your particular child.

Best of luck to you and your DC x

I have a 9 year old drama lama too. I would take away the x box away as necessary but I wouldn't bring the party into it at all, unless he did something very serious. Having said that I wouldn't have a sleepover, it sounds like a nightmare. For this age I would do bowling or quazar, something out of the house anyway. As pp said maybe look at your routine and try to adjust it to reduce stress. I feel for you op, it's not easy.

I think that sounds a lovely solution for his birthday party.

I think you're right and 15 minutes reading and music a day is nothing and will enrich him throughout his life. I often get parents of ex students who gave up lessons around grade 4/5, come up to me and thank me 10 + years on because their kids still enjoy playing and even if the majority will never make grade 8 + the mid level standard gives them something they have as a stress relief throughout life.

I would also say, this time of year is awful. All the kids are over tired, excited about the summer, in need of a break. So whilst don't ignore bad behaviour in June/July you can understand it.