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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my partner there?

80 replies

namechange697 · 03/07/2018 16:38

Ok I really need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

My partner and I have been together 4 years and he has an 8 year old son with special needs from a previous relationship.

I turn 40 next week and planned to have a barbecue with family round and obviously I want my partner there (it's been planned for a few months). He's now dropped the bombshell that he won't be coming as yesterday he booked his son on a summer playscheme and he'll see me at some point later on.

The only family member who can babysit is 70 miles away so he'll need to pick him up from the playscheme to take him there and quite possibly won't see me until 8pm...

It also means he now won't be able to take me to pick up the barbecue items (I don't drive) so I'm pretty pissed off when it was all arranged.

AIBU?

OP posts:
KitanaKay · 03/07/2018 16:40

I understand your disappointment but he does have to put his son first so I guess it depends why he has booked his son on this scheme at this late stage?

Seasawride · 03/07/2018 16:41

Completely you are quite right to be furious if it was all planned and he knew. And it’s a big birthday too.

It’s not an emergency is it? I would wonder where I was in the pecking order op.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 03/07/2018 16:43

Could your partner not pick his DS up and bring him to the BBQ. Why does he need to go to a babysitter?

Watchingthecloudsflyby · 03/07/2018 16:45

How come he's decided to book him into playscheme instead of him coming to the bbq with Dad as planned?

Trinity66 · 03/07/2018 16:45

It does seem pretty bad that he arranged the play scheme knowing about your 40th

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 03/07/2018 16:48

That is such a weird move on your dp’s part. So, they were both coming to your bbq? And now suddenly neither of them are? I’d think there must be some reason he hasn’t told you.

Original poster
namechange697 · 03/07/2018 16:49

That's what I'm pissed off about, how far down in the pecking order I am.

If it was last year, I wouldn't have been bothered but it's my 40th and I wanted it to be special.

It was arranged he'd go away the night before and we could have a few drinks and relax in the sun (hoping we get sun)

OP posts:
MeghanSparkle · 03/07/2018 18:12

Is the summer playscheme may be part of his son’s ‘short breaks’ package (i.e. he’s been offered respite care for his son over the summer holidays)?

If so then he’s in a really difficult position as you usually have to commit to your child attending all sessions. Sadly though it is for you I think it would be very unfair for his son to miss out due to your birthday...

Seasawride · 03/07/2018 18:20

Couldn’t his mum take him?

Watchingthecloudsflyby · 03/07/2018 18:37

So does he has custody or access? Was this his usual time to have him?

You say he was meant to go away - you mean DP or DS? Go away to respite? Mum?

Sorry OP its just not clear what the original plan was for DSC and DP

Original poster
namechange697 · 03/07/2018 19:34

His mum passed away when he was a baby, so that's not an option.

The original plan was for us to spend the day together, with DSC going to the family member the night before. Now he's told me that's yesterday he's booked him on the playscheme (there are others he can go to so he won't miss out) and can't see the issue.

I'm actually really upset about it. Every day has to be planned around DSC schedule (including my other birthdays) just one day I wanted to be a little bit selfish and have myself the priority for once Sad

OP posts:
Mummabob · 03/07/2018 19:38

You can't be his priority, his DC has to come before you. I think you sound a bit bitter.

Daddystepdaddy · 03/07/2018 19:40

Your DP has clearly dropped a bollock in not sorting this out earlier but he was probably always going to have to prioritise his DS.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/07/2018 19:41

I don’t blame you for being upset, of course you want your partner there. It’s your 40th, and he’s known about it for a long time.

ilovegin112 · 03/07/2018 19:42

I don’t care what anyone else thinks but his son should be his number1 priority especially as he doesn’t have a mum around

ilovegin112 · 03/07/2018 19:43

I’m not saying you can’t be upset though, Happy Birthday for the weekend

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 03/07/2018 19:43

Ooooh so your dsc wasn’t going to be at your bbq. Well, that’s a bit different maybe. Is it a grown ups only bbq? I thought you were all spending the day together but the plan was for just you and your dp to be together while the dsc was elsewhere... I think if your dp is the only surviving parent and something has come up then obviously he has to go...

Yanbu to be a bit disappointed, but surely you see that his dc has to take priority?

ilovegin112 · 03/07/2018 19:44

Maybe other family member has dropped out at the last minute

freecoffeeforyou · 03/07/2018 19:44

Why can't your dsc be at your bbq party ?

BounceAndClimb · 03/07/2018 19:46

Why was he being sent away on your birthday? Sad poor boy lost his mum so presumably you're the closest female caregiver he has, and it sounds like you just resent him.

Maybe your DP felt bad about him not being included in the family BBQ so signed him up for the play scheme so he'd at least have a nice day elsewhere hopefully.

Seasawride · 03/07/2018 19:46

Kids yes come first and if this was an emergency then of course but in this case nope there were options and the dh choose to prioritise his son when he didn’t need to for ops big birthday.

If he can’t see the issue you should think very carefully about the future op.

And I have 6 kids who I adore but this isn’t on.

SilverDoe · 03/07/2018 19:51

Would anyone be saying the son should be number one priority if this was a married couple and OP was the birth mum?

Also, that’s rhetorical and a bit facetious, because I just don’t understand why on these threads people have to quantify things in such a way - OP is this man’a partner and there are plenty of ways that DS’s needs can be met as a priority without shitting all over the OP. It’s a sad life if you can’t have the expectation to ever have anything centred around yourself, and yet I see flippant comments about DC being most important all the time when posts like this come up.

I know the children come first, SN or not, but it doesn’t mean a couple can’t plan and organise events like this. I’m really sad for you OP and I do think unless there are hugely mitigating circumstances (which I doubt there are, because DP would have explained why it was so important he missed your birthday f there was a solid reason) then I do think he’s being really selfish and mean.

Original poster
namechange697 · 03/07/2018 19:54

I don't resent him, I love him as if he was my own... it was DPs choice to send him away so he could have a drink with friends. We're having a meal mid week to include DSC. My friends and family are not bringing their children to the barbecue although they have had free choice to do so.

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 03/07/2018 19:55

Whether bio child or not, they come first. Why was he excluded from the BBQ.

If you choose to date a parent you do so on the understanding that their children come first.

Watchingthecloudsflyby · 03/07/2018 19:57

I'm actually really upset about it. Every day has to be planned around DSC schedule (including my other birthdays) just one day I wanted to be a little bit selfish and have myself the priority for once sad
I get your point but alas that's life with kids somewhat.

Do you live together? Are you step mum or dads gf who stops over a few nights?

I do think he should have told you in advance what he was changing their plans to any why.

Is there an issue with the fanily member caring for him?
Did you disagree on DSC being excluded from the party?
I would def want to know WHY he had changed plans

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