To want my partner there?

[namechange697]

Ok I really need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

My partner and I have been together 4 years and he has an 8 year old son with special needs from a previous relationship.

I turn 40 next week and planned to have a barbecue with family round and obviously I want my partner there (it's been planned for a few months). He's now dropped the bombshell that he won't be coming as yesterday he booked his son on a summer playscheme and he'll see me at some point later on.

The only family member who can babysit is 70 miles away so he'll need to pick him up from the playscheme to take him there and quite possibly won't see me until 8pm...

It also means he now won't be able to take me to pick up the barbecue items (I don't drive) so I'm pretty pissed off when it was all arranged.

AIBU?

Complaining about the pecking order is stupid. Do you seriously think you should be higher up on the 'pecking order' than his son?

Are you sure he's not setting up something for a surprise?

A bit strange, if it was your dp’s idea to have someone else watch his ds in the first place, so he could come to your party on his own and then to book this is last minute...

Could it be as a pp said, that his ds has to attend all sessions of the play scheme? Or maybe it’s an especially good one and it would be of benefit to his ds? In that case, it would make sense for your dp to prioritise his ds.

Still disappointing for you though.

Not sure this makes a lot of sense now I have read all the OPs posts properly.

So he originally had arranged for DSS to be away with a family member and has now just decided to book him into a play session at relatively short notice and won't be around for your birthday celebrations but hasn't indicated that there has been any other issues with the original plans. What us really going on here?

Of course your life will be planned around his child. That's what happens when you have children or date someone with children.

I get you are disappointed but there has to be a reason he has booked his child in that day.

Happy birthday op. If he hasnt got form for letting you down best forgive him.

Pecking order does alter on circumstances.

Sometimes I or dh comes first or sometimes it’s dc1/2/3/4/5/6 or its my parents or a sick neighbour.

There is no set in stone pecking order.

Clearly this time it was ops turn as she’s got s big planned birthday.

There was no emergency so no not acceptable

The child has only one parent not 2 of course he should be his fathers number one priority, my dh died my ds would come above any partner as is only right,

There are 100s of post on here from people who’s parents put partners above their children

There's naming his son no 1 priority then randomly changing plans they'd presumably made together for her birthday for no obvious reason and with no warning.

Agree with an earlier poster, something isn't sitting right.

DS is still going to the relative after his session, there's plenty of other ones he can go to so no obligation re this one. He hasn't even just decided to keep ds with him.

Ski why doesn't DP wasn't to be there??

It’s not about putting anyone first it’s about circumstances.

In these circumstances as the op states it bar emergencies it was her special day

why doesn’t he want to be there.

Exactly

Completely NOT ok of your DP to do this. The bollocks martyrdom on here about children always coming first really winds me off the clock. You are a family. EVERYONE has a right to feel valued. If the caregivers relationship is constantly relegated for unimportant reasons like this then that relationship will suffer and the children's home life will be the worse for it.

We have a duty as parents to provide as stable and harmonious home life as possible in which our children or stepchildren can thrive. The constant 'kids must come first' (and on MN especially dsc !) mantra does nothing to bring up children to realise that they are not the only people that matter. It creates entitled, selfish expectations that it's 'all about them'. It's not. It's all about everyone.

It's your birthday. A long planned celebration . Your 'd'p has behaved appallingly. Personally it sounds like an excuse not to be there. This is NOT an emergency. It's a CHOICE he has made at YOUR expense. I only hope it's a ruse to a fantastic 'surprise' rather than a manufactured reason not to spend time with your friends and family.

Maybe he thinks because you have a meal earlier that he and ds will be at that its fine?

And just do an online shop for the bbq stuff.

Btw I am a mother of 3 and stepmother of 4 (2 dsc live with us) If my DH pulled a stunt like this, he wouldn't here the end of it.

Whether bio child or not, they come first. Why was he excluded from the BBQ
Because occasionally parents want to be able to let their hair down, have a drink and not be life and death responsible for a child, have noisy sex in the living room and wake up with a hangover medicated with noisy sex in the kitchen and a fry up

Sorry had to get DSC showered and sorted for bed (and catch the football).

Just asked DP why the sudden change and he said he forgot about my birthday (?) when he booked him in and only made the connection this morning...

There's been no emergency and everything was arranged until he dropped the bombshell earlier

changedmyusername

Yes spot on,, my elderly mum sometimes comes before my kids. My dh sometimes comes first. Ds 3 sometimes first.

Peiole saying always kid first must only have one kid.

He either has a surprise lined up or just isn't that into you OP.

@watchingtheclouds

For some reason, when I read your post, I reverted to my teenage self and thought, “ugh fucking hell - parents having noisy sex all over the house 🤢”. Then remembered I’m one of those, hideous, parent creatures myself now! The horror!

Anyway, it’s all quite strange. If he doesn’t have a straightforward reason for it, then maybe he is arranging a surprise, as pp said.

Have you asked him op?

Asked him why I mean?

Oh sorry x post. Hmmm, I’m guessing surprise then... or something less lovely 👎🏻.

I’d be telling him to change back to original plan pronto or there is going to be hell to pay.... and if it is a way of surprising you then it’s a massive fail. Kids are a priority... but so are you, and if he wants you around long term then he has to make you feel loved and spect. I have kids... love them muchly but sometimes I need a night off! Get him told!

This has nothing to do with prioritising his son and everything to do with being thoughtless and forgetful.

It’s a summer scheme - recently booked. It can’t be that important.