To want my partner there?

[namechange697]

Ok I really need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

My partner and I have been together 4 years and he has an 8 year old son with special needs from a previous relationship.

I turn 40 next week and planned to have a barbecue with family round and obviously I want my partner there (it's been planned for a few months). He's now dropped the bombshell that he won't be coming as yesterday he booked his son on a summer playscheme and he'll see me at some point later on.

The only family member who can babysit is 70 miles away so he'll need to pick him up from the playscheme to take him there and quite possibly won't see me until 8pm...

It also means he now won't be able to take me to pick up the barbecue items (I don't drive) so I'm pretty pissed off when it was all arranged.

AIBU?

Welcome to the world of special needs parenting and sorry to say but like you said your always going to be way down on the pecking order where his child is concerned and rightly so.

I understand that your disappointed but if the relationship becomes a permanent one for example marriage, then his child’s needs will be his priority, but as a parent of a young adult with severe learning difficulties my self I know it puts an enormous strain on the relationship at the best of times.

My Dh and myself have had to make short notice changes to planned events and yes it’s crap but that’s life.

I’m afraid that this is a little bit of an in sight as to what life would be like if you got married, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but believe me it’s bloody hard work and your needs will always come last.

What an absolute load of tosh. Nothing ‘cropped up’. The flaky dp forgot and double booked himself. The fact he double booked to do something extra for his son is a red herring.

eggsandwich but if he's booked it because his son needs to go there, why isn't he saying that? He's specifically saying oh, I forgot so I booked him in for something fun. Realised Aunt Marry is looking forward to seeing him so I'll still take him up and I'll fit you in if I can be bothered afterwards.

Op you need to play dick, duffus or martyr.
Is this part of s pattern where he doesn't prioritise you over anything - himself, work, his mates, the gym and then shames you when you complain? DICK

Is, he normally considerate and consistent, talks you through the decisions he's made, babies your feelings but has clearly screwed up plans by being forgetful? DUFFUS.

Does he have problems prioritising himself too, suppresses his own feelings, wouldn't ever complain if someone let him down because he isn't that important etc? MARTYR

If its the first you need to look at where this is,going.
If its the second I'd make it clear I'm annoyed, ask him to if he can go back to the old ans but generally get over it
If its the latter, can you live with that? Because it would personally drive me soft

I think he needs to put his son first. Could you not re-arrange the barbecue for another day, ie Sunday instead of Saturday or vice versa.

Sounds like something my OH would do. And I guess if he's used to putting his child first without issue, probably unaware of how this makes you feel.
That said having a disabled child, I gave up on special birthdays and days a long time ago, as something always cropped up or changed everything and to be honest no one made any effort for my 40th. It was just another day and no different to 39/41. It doesn't sound like it was intentional so perhaps try to convey your upset and reasoning but don't let it ruin your plans.

Rebecca36, no I can't reschedule! It's my birthday on the Saturday, I'm having it on the Saturday. All my friends and family have been notified and I have a friend doing the barbecue itself for me so rescheduling isn't really an option...

Fluffyrainbows, Eggsandwich and Rebecca36 all make good points about priorities IF this were an emergency and needed to be prioritised .. It doesn't. !!

The idea that children with or without SN need to be automatically prioritised at ALL times is a mantra for martyrdom
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Priorities need to be prioritised. In this case it is the OPs long planned, ONE DAY ONLY 40th Birthday celebration.

The day after it may well be her dsc - or his father, that take the priority, but right now, that isn't the case. . in these circumstances with no immediate need to change these plans . (Dsc welfare would not suffer in any way to not put him first) . Yes OP, you have EVERY RIGHT to expect to come first. Even if DP had a football team of kids.

Op can he cancel the playscheme and bring ds there instead. Get a babysitter and some activities planned so he would he occupied.

Actually I take that back. Fluffyrainbows does not make a good point. If she wants to be a martyr and not celebrate a landmark birthday, that's up to her. Doesn't mean it should be expected of you.

So, for example, You plan a birthday celebration but Dsc's longterm health problem has a flare up requiring hospital/medical intervention. Then no question. Birthday is cancelled/postponed. (Or DP deals with alone depending on severity of the problem).
In another scenario, DP books Dsc into a playscheme which is entirely voluntary. On the same day as your long planned birthday. DP is a dickhead and needs to sort out HIS priorities for Saturday. If he still wants a relationship.

I think it sounds like he doesn't really want to be there Op

It doesn’t really sound as though you and your dp have had a proper conversation about this. Tell him that you really want him at your birthday and ask him to cancel the play scheme and revert to the original plan.

is there a reason why DP can’t take his son to the play scheme another weekend.

It's not about who he's prioritising, but what.

He's prioritising a play scheme for his son? when there are multiple options available that meant he would be able to go to the party. The party is not just a prior commitment to his partner, but extremely important to her, and not something he can just book for the next weekend like whatever his DS is going to.

There doesn't have to be a "pecking order", but it seems that there is - because of the nature of the two commitments. That, or its a surprise party or he just doesn't want to go for some reason.

I'd be livid. Its not unreasonable to want one landmark birthday to be about you, and your wishes when so much of everyday life is all about your children/stepchildren. I can totally see why you are hurt OP. I hope you get to enjoy your day.

@ivechangedmyusername you do realise people are all different? In my case, it is my child with the disability, so clearly I will have different priorities and a different viewpoint. It didn't sound to me like it was intentional and if the OH is like mine, he's very forgetful and constantly gets things muddled up, but he's not a nasty person and it would be a genuine mistake and probably not worth getting completely distraught over.
Equally it's not martyrdom to accept a child with special needs will dominate life, for some of us that is the only way of coping. I tried very hard to find balance and for a while discovered that it was simply impossible.
At the end of the day, we don't know what the disability is or how it affects the child or father or OP, so if the OP thinks it's unlikely that he will cancel the activity for his child, they will still have to find a way forward.

Regarding the food you can do an online shop.

He made a choice not to be there.

It’s not good enough to settle for ‘he may have got muddied’

That’s not good enough when it’s a very important event in (someone you are supposed to love) life.

I would tell him to be there op or jog on. Defining moment.

I don’t believe children should always come first no matter what, it surely depends on the circumstances. I think that it is healthy for children to see that priorities can change on need, for example if a family member is taken ill and also see that their mother/father/step parent etc is also an important person with feelings.

It can be a difficult balancing act but to me, a 40th birthday would top a playscheme whether it was my bio child or not. It does sound here like your partner is being quite thoughtless. He had forgotten your birthday and now can’t see why you are upset - surely if he has an ounce of empathy he would see why you would be upset, even if he doesn’t agree and feels he needs to put his son first.

What is he like normally?

Who's child it is - is entirely irrelevant in this situation. Fluffyrainbows . Grown adult males are not excused acting like feckless forgetful muddleheads at the expense of their partners feelings. The only thing that attitude creates is an excuse to have your feelings relegated to the bottom of the pile (martyrdom - "don't worry about me, I don't matter ") and your partner 'allowed' to do so by you.

(he's very forgetful and constantly gets things muddled up) - if you found this less acceptable, the betting is that he would make more of an effort to be less 'muddled'.

My second eldest dsc has significant special needs. Was diagnosed with moderate - severe autism at 6yrs old. He attends a specialist school and requires significant input into his life from both of us. He is now 18. This does not make him a priority above all the other 6children.
It means his additional needs must be considered and factored in (this part is always a priority) - but once that is done and and no essential needs require accommodating , and it is someone else's 'big day'.. it is an essential life lesson that Dsc2 learns that he isn't always the top priority and being part of a family means learning to put others first. Including parents.

As the step parent (albeit resident 'mother' of a special needs child) I also have an acute antenna for DH 'using' our son as an excuse not to do things DH doesn't want to do. DH is not above invoking some imaginary 'need' of DSC2 that suits his agenda. (Think immediate 'need' for DSc2 to be taken to his community 'drop in' for some hitherto unmentioned workshop.. at the exact time my mother is due to visit. (Dsc loves Granny but DH tolerates her and 'uses' dsc to side step her - at blameless activity)

I'm wondering OP - is your DP pulling that kind of stunt ?

I think “livid” is a bit much, depending. I think the op needs to discuss this again with her dp. It also depends on how serious a relationship it is. If they all live together etc. Blended families can be a total minefield. A SN child who has lost his mother, to me, would usually take priority over an adult’s birthday. If it was my dc they would anyway.

That said, it is weird how the dp / bf / whatever he is, just suddenly decided to change plans... Either he’s feeling a bit conflicted or he’s planning a lovely surprise.

How long has he been widowed op? Or were they divorced first. Sorry if you’ve already answered that.

“Forgetting” is very duffus-y, (playing the dick, diffuse or martyr game from up thread), and would quickly drive me round the bend of he did this sort of thing a lot. I don’t think it’s actually martyrish of him necessarily, as he might actually prefer to spend the day with his ds? Maybe he thought a day without him would be nice but then the play scheme came up an he thought differently.

But, unless it’s a surprise thing, he’s either a dick, a duffus / flakey or a bit unsure / conflicted. If it’s the latter, he needs to be a bit more up front about that I think.

Duffus not diffuse!

@ivechangedmyusername I haven't changed my username so I can't impart anything like the info you have in your post as I would out myself, but I'm not sure why you are so angry with me. One of the disabled children in my family is around the same age as yours, and clearlyvwe were not as successful as you despite how hard we tried, I would suggest that perhaps it's not always as straightforward as you suggest and we all do our best. I'd love to say that my child was not prioritised over my other children but I would be lying because no matter how hard we tried it was nigh on impossible to achieve, so I guess I'm just a lesser person who coped as best I could and is still trying to achieve that healthy balance.
With regard to my OH I actually think that your comments are shockingly rude. You've know idea what path we've walked. Currently I'm just grateful he's still around and we've managed to keep our heads above water after what we've been through and I do not accommodate his being muddled, I accept him for the person he currently is, and yes he does infuriate me at times by forgetting things and being muddled but I'd far rather that than a mental breakdown or worse.
The OP described a disabled child, a partner who is the sole carer because the mother has passed away and I was taking this into account with my responses.

DP's girlfriend died in 2012, we've been friends for 14 years (my partner died also so I was a source of comfort and advice for him at first). We had planned to marry and have children but I'm not sure I want that now...

This is not the first time things like this have happened (last year I had a similar issue but didn't mind so much). I planned this months ago and told everyone straight away so plans could be made and people who didn't want them bring children could make arrangements.

I just think him drifting along later at night as if I'm an afterthought makes me feel a bit shit. It's not like he didn't have prior warning...

This is a case of priorities. I would be amazed if he saw your point of view. The child come first every time. You are not a child. It is a birthday and he is attending later. A Birthday, not an earth-shattering event, 40, big deal, its a birthday, not the day you are giving birth. It seems a new fashion to make a fuss over a 40th 50th 60th etc What it does mean you are old enough to be an adult. If it was such a big deal to you maybe a conversation weeks ago might have helped. Dont be jealous of a child who has had a tough time