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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my dm to cut this out

80 replies

Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 20:35

I love my dm deary. Apart from my dc, she's all I have.
So I go out with my mom a lot to break the day up for me and my small dcs. (with what I have, I'll take them to soft play etc and so dm can spent time with them)
Everytime myself and my mom go out, she pressures me to buy something. I'm literally in the shit. A credit card debt because work didn't pay me properly for months. Dh was unemployed. No benefits aside child benefit etc. I'm on mat leave now but not entitled to smp. So I'm struggling to even pay rent. I've had to sell everything.
An my dm.. Today just really got to me. She just walked into a jewellers and bought an £900 ring. I'm not jealous, but she really rubs it in my face all the time. She's well looked after finally from her dp. An I'm happy for her, she's had a lot of shit in her life. But it makes me so so down when she's doing all this and saying "oh, but it means a lot to have diamonds. You can't afford them though. One day maybe"
Also little digs about dh. He's a gamer and incredibly depressed and things aren't going well at all between us now. I haven't told her this because of what I'm about to say. She sits there and says to me "myself and my dp were talking about your dh. He asked if I was a gaming addict how I would feel towards him. I told him I'd leave" maybe you should.

I'm just on my own here. I've applied for housing benefit but I'm not entitled a letter came back when I got home today. That was a smack in the face. I don't know what to do and my dm just rubs all this in. I just don't want to go out with her anymore.
I'm starting education again soon to better myself to provide for my kids and I can't afford the equipment. I'm just so low and she's there staring at an expensive diamond ring asking if I think it's sparkly enough. I don't want her money. I'm glad she's having what she wants and she's living her life happily as all of this is her pension. That's great. I just hate the uneccesary rubbing it in and making me feel more shit than I already do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:19

Nothing like that. But my children are never without. I'd never ever let them down that way. This is why I want to study. At least if I'm on my own I can provide for myself and my dcs and make it on my own. I think that's what I want. I want them to have more than this :( I feel like such a failure.

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welshmist · 02/07/2018 21:20

I am a reader/writer scribe for exams, we are so careful not to upset the students so that they feel they cannot ask for help. The school decides who needs one and explains why. You get extra time in exams as well. I think your DP`s memory is at fault here.

welshmist · 02/07/2018 21:20

How old are your DC`s?

Original poster
Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:23

Maybe so. My background isn't overly good. I worked hard in school. I looked after myself as dm wasn't around. Not going into it. Been homeless before but she did her best to provide. In that sense but in no way for some of it was it well provided for. As a teen she made me diet which wasn't all bad. In the beginning it was my health but then once I became a healthy weight, she restricted foods more, pointed out I'd be fat if I ate that extra apple. It eventually led to anorexia and it carried on and on until I lost a family member and I grief ate.
I totally get her. I get her point of view. I'm a parent and I know how I'd feel if this was one of my children. But there's no way I'd throw digs at them. I'd try and help and support :( some of it though my childhood was well catered for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:24

2 under 2. Very young. The oldest nearly being 2 though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:27

I don't get it. She loves dh. She loves talking to him, debating. They have a laugh together. She thinks the world of him. She buys him things all the time, little bits and pieces. Always says he's a good soul

OP posts:
hellosummer12 · 02/07/2018 21:33

Hmm. If you’re so short of money, can’t dh get a 9-5 job and do evening classes to pass his GCSEs? There are adult basic education classes available.

Also, what does he think he can do in medicine if he can’t write? Sounds like a pipe dream or an excuse not to work now.

Your mum. Tell her she's Upsetting you with her talk of diamonds and being goady. Can you talk to her honestly about your and your life? If you don’t want to, if she’s not supportive, then back off for a while.

lifechangesforever · 02/07/2018 21:36

You've just done a complete u-turn about what your mum thinks of DH. In one of your first posts you say that she and her DH have discussed him and that he's a waster? Which one is it?

There seems to be a lot of things going on here and you're going back and forth over a lot of things.

I think you need to either get DH out and get full benefits entitlement as a single mother or he needs to get a job. In the nicest way possible, becoming a physio requires a lot of education - GCSE's, A-levels / equivalents and then a degree. It's a lot to ask of someone who cannot write. What is he doing about the situation right at this moment because to me, it sounds like he's stringing you along to buy himself time and making empty promises.

welshmist · 02/07/2018 21:39

Going back to not being paid properly can you get advice from anywhere CAB for instance. A friend a carer had this problem with her employer.

To be brutally honest, with the eating thing and the flashing diamonds I think you are being gas lighted by a narcissist.

I would also talk to your health visitor about post natal depression, not that you do not have every right to feel depressed.

Seasawride · 02/07/2018 21:40

I am confused. Does your mum like him or not.

TorviBrightspear · 02/07/2018 21:43

Actually, I don't think your mum is nice at all.

She's happy to buy expensive items in front of you, knowing you have so little.
Won't help you to leave DP, or help in any other way.
Basically pushed you into an eating disorder when you were a teen.
All the little digs about your DP and you.

I'd be taking a good hard look at what your mum is really like. I'd bet there's more shit behaviour from her that you've not properly looked at. Perhaps take a look at the Stately Homes threads in Relationships.

gonnabreakmyrustycage · 02/07/2018 21:44

Oh OP, I’m a science teacher and I think it’ll be very difficult for your dh to pursue Medicine. Not even some of my brightest A level students will. I think you need to sit down with him and explain that if he doesn’t get a job to support his family you will have to leave.

Original poster
Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:46

Both. She describes him as a 'good soul but a lost soul' he's nice. Good intentions. Just can't act on them due to depression and lack of education and or lack of will and motivation. Why? No clue. I give up with it all. She can get on with him personally though.

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Piffle11 · 02/07/2018 21:49

Is your DH being completely honest with you? What money is he going to be getting when he goes into education? Because he won't get JSA. I also have never heard of anyone being put 'into education' whilst on JSA either: you have to be able and willing to accept full time work, so studies tend to interfere with it. This is why full time students can't claim. You should try for housing benefit again, and have you spoken to your local Jobcentre Plus about any benefit you can claim?

Original poster
Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:50

Gas lighted by a narcissist is exactly what my brother used to say about her.

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Original poster
Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:52

We have. We were told I can't claim MA as he's on JSA is it income based? Can't claim it.
Apparently this maths and English thing is a thing local to us the job center can put you on. Apparently. I don't go to his appointments. But apparently loads go to it and it's free to get back into work? So he says.
Proper education as in degree etc, he wants a job along side it. Basically as soon has he's done his gcses he wants a job ASAP.

OP posts:
KC225 · 02/07/2018 21:53

Gosh OP there are lots of strands here and you have a lot on your plate with such young children. As mentioned above, I also think you sound depressed. Can you book an appointment with your GP. Can you talk to a health visitor?

It sounds as you have a difficult relationship with your Mother. Perhaps she sees you as a daughter plus a sometime friend/frenemy. You must stop shopping with her. Who would flaunt the purchase of a diamond ring around a chikd who was unemployed with small children - this is not supportive at all. You do not need to amuse her if she has a supportive partner. Stop inviting her to soft play if she insists on going shopping. Ration your time with her by half. If you see her every day, make it every other day, twice a week down to one. Try making friends with mums at other playgroups.

It must be difficult dealing with a depressed partner. Is he being treated for his depression? Could he get some counseling?

Good luck OP. I hope things get better for you.

welshmist · 02/07/2018 21:57

My brothers sussed my narcissist Mother long before I did and went NC. I am supporting a young woman my sons age who I have known since she was born. Her Mother is a narcissist.

The stately homes thread is amazing, you really need to read it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3123281-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Original poster
Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 22:01

I need to get a new health visitor. My one is a bit condescending. Really snarky so I'm a bit hesitant to mention possible pnd. Dhs family basically told me they'd be able to take my kids from me if it was too bad and they'd report me if my home was untidy. Toxic. We are nc with all but one now but even so. It worries me. I'd love a more understanding HV. I do think I need to go to the GP though. Just anti depressants really muck me up. I feel nothing. Whether or not I haven't found the right ones yet.
He currently isn't. I wish he was though.

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Original poster
Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 22:08

Thank you so much for linking the stately home threads ❤️❤️

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GrandTheftWalrus · 02/07/2018 22:12

My mother does this. Says she is skint because she's just paid 1000 to a holiday or is just back a holiday. Whereas I'm scraping together 2ps to go get bread to give my daughter a breakfast.

Sarahjconnor · 02/07/2018 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 22:23

@grandtheftwalrus Flowers same here. My mom came back from a lovely break from Australia for 3 weeks around a month ago. :(

OP posts:
GrandTheftWalrus · 02/07/2018 22:25

Was America for my mum then they are away to the Caribbean later in the year.

Mookie81 · 02/07/2018 22:25

My husband is a physio. No way he could have worked while studying; you're either in uni or on placement.
Also a lot of intense written assignments. If he can't write now I very much doubt he will be proficient enough in the near future.