To tell my dm to cut this out

[Majorintrovert]

I love my dm deary. Apart from my dc, she's all I have.
So I go out with my mom a lot to break the day up for me and my small dcs. (with what I have, I'll take them to soft play etc and so dm can spent time with them)
Everytime myself and my mom go out, she pressures me to buy something. I'm literally in the shit. A credit card debt because work didn't pay me properly for months. Dh was unemployed. No benefits aside child benefit etc. I'm on mat leave now but not entitled to smp. So I'm struggling to even pay rent. I've had to sell everything.
An my dm.. Today just really got to me. She just walked into a jewellers and bought an £900 ring. I'm not jealous, but she really rubs it in my face all the time. She's well looked after finally from her dp. An I'm happy for her, she's had a lot of shit in her life. But it makes me so so down when she's doing all this and saying "oh, but it means a lot to have diamonds. You can't afford them though. One day maybe"
Also little digs about dh. He's a gamer and incredibly depressed and things aren't going well at all between us now. I haven't told her this because of what I'm about to say. She sits there and says to me "myself and my dp were talking about your dh. He asked if I was a gaming addict how I would feel towards him. I told him I'd leave" maybe you should.

I'm just on my own here. I've applied for housing benefit but I'm not entitled a letter came back when I got home today. That was a smack in the face. I don't know what to do and my dm just rubs all this in. I just don't want to go out with her anymore.
I'm starting education again soon to better myself to provide for my kids and I can't afford the equipment. I'm just so low and she's there staring at an expensive diamond ring asking if I think it's sparkly enough. I don't want her money. I'm glad she's having what she wants and she's living her life happily as all of this is her pension. That's great. I just hate the uneccesary rubbing it in and making me feel more shit than I already do.

As others have said, there are lots of things going on...
I think you should contact the council about the Housing Benefit - they probably just need more information. Give them a call and ask them what was wrong with the tenancy agreement you sent them, and take it from there...
Talk to the CAB about the MA. I am no expert, but that doesn't sound right.
Talk to the GP about your feelings. S/he can help put support in place. Given the age of your children, pnd should be considered, and there are groups and services to support you. Maybe your DP could have a chat with them about his own feelings, too?
I appreciate that you feel your DP is trying, but he needs to have a realistic view of how long it will take him to get to where he wants to go and what work he can take on in the meantime.

It probably seems like a long list (and I haven't started on your DM!) but try to do one thing at a time. I hope that things improve for you soon.

Is your DH on medication for his depression?

GCSEs or the equivalent are offered to people who don't have the qualification. I did an LSA course (Teaching assistant) and several women on that course were sitting their GCSE maths as they hadn't achieved it in school but needed it for applying for teaching assistant jobs.

OP I think your Mum is heartless. I could never watch a child of mine struggle even if I felt she had made choices that I didn't agree with. I couldn't stand by and watch the babies go without. I would be stocking your cupboards and buying nappies.

I have personal experience of this. My Grandma was very wealthy, went on 5 holidays a year but my parents were relatively poor. My Grandma used to give my parents £1000/£2000 to transfer into a money order for my Uncle. Just plain nasty to flaunt money to those who haven't got it.

I would reduce the time you spend with your Mum. You should come away from seeing her feeling happy. When was the last time you did?

This is one of the strangest and most confusing threads I have ever read on here. More strands than a humungous spiders web...

Getting into medicine is incredibly difficult for the brightest people.
An adult with no GCSEs is very unlikely to get in unless he has a miraculous turn around very shortly. It sounds like a delaying tactic so he doesn’t need to get an actual job.

"oh, but it means a lot to have diamonds. You can't afford them though. One day maybe"

This would annoy me. It doesn't mean a lot to have diamonds. It means literally nothing to have diamonds except to signal to other people that you have diamonds and are therefore better or more important.

Can you suggest that you do something else with your DM? Go to the park and have a picnic, have a walk, I don't know where you live but there is loads and loads of free stuff in most cities, especially for kids.

And it would teach your kids that the best things in life really are free. Because being non-materialistic is far far far more valuable than diamonds.

How can someone who can't write because of their dyspraxia be a gamer? I think your DH is pulling the wool over your eyes, and your DM sounds like a nasty piece of work.

If you were my daughter I'd be doing the same. Although can't afford expensive jewellery.
I think she has a point though, your dh is a loser, and no parent wants to see their children with losers.
Did I miss the bit where you said what she is trying to get you to buy?

@gilly then I hope your daughter never writes a similar thread to mine expressing how she needs support from her mother because her situation has become a bit shit.

OP, just to address some of the comments re your DP.
Of course someone assessed with dyspraxia , or, as it's now referred to, Developmental Delay Disorder, can be a gamer In fact for many with this recognised disability gaming can be very beneficial as it improves coordination and motor skills. Depression is a common risk for people with DCD, particularly when they have been unsupported. And not every child with a disability has the confidence to access support services in schools, even if they are on offer, as what child who already probably feels thick, stupid and different wants to draw attention to himself ( NOT my description of anyone with DCD, just unfortunately terms that I have heard people with DCD use about themselves ). Returning to education would have a positive effect partners re self esteem and indeed future employment prospects.

With regards to your DM, given your later posts, it seems like she has a history of undermining and is not giving you the emotional or practical support you need. Her behaviour has unsettled you and made you question your relationship with her , for a good reason. Waving a diamond ring under your nose when she knows your financial circumstances is indeed rubbing it in and nasty when put in context of some of the other experiences you have shared. Could you ever imagine treating your own DC in this way, I imagine it would fill you with horror.You need to spend less time with her and nourish yourself.

I didnt want to address the gamer comment. He does say it helps with coordination and letting him escape reality in his childhood but I guess it's transitioned to an addiction to throw yourself into a different reality. His childhood was rather turbulent as well with a very ill dm. @thank you @sixinthebed
I always find these posts once I write it our and unravel problems etc and people point out I see things a bit clearer

The main thing is you haven’t got enough money coming in - can’t DP do bar work or something to tide you over until you get paid properly?
And until he can read/write extremely well, he will certainly struggle with further education in medical type qualifications. Anatomy is like learning another language and you’d need that for sports science /physio etc.
As for your DM, don’t go to the shops with her. Repeat it over and over if she pressures you - I don’t want to go shopping or I have no money. Whatever your ‘line’ is.
I can’t really work out if she likes or hates your DP. But he needs to earn some money, not sit around gaming. And he needs to prioritise it until you’re both back on your feet, I would think studying is secondary to that.

If you were my daughter I'd be doing the same.
Well lets just all hope your daughter is never in op situation then isnt it?
What a shit thing to write. Im sorry but as a pp said the least i would have done as a mother is made sure i was giving support to my child going through this if i had the means.

Writing things out can be very helpful, I do love my lists and journals OP,I think you actually have shown great insight, identifying the many issues in your life. This shows great emotional intelligence. I feel you don't have the confidence to believe that you are actually right. You see what your mother is doing , you understand your DP's addiction and disability .

Your DP needs to make a plan for the future, set baby step by baby step goals and stick to them. Adult education services are often better suited to people who learn differently as everyone there has a story and is in the same boat. You can support him in this but remember you have to at all times consider yourself. His background and disability are an explanation not an excuse. The difficulties in your relationship may be improved by changes such as moving forward with education for both of you, they may not. You need a lot of resilience when focusing on long term goals. But staying stuck as you are is definitely not working.

You need to nourish yourself. Don't spend time with someone who makes your feel crap and encourages you in damaging behaviour ( spending, cr cd debt).
Spend it with your lovely DC, take a walk, a bubble bath, download an audiobook, paint your nails, put body moisturiser on, have a cup of tea in a nice mug,wear your best knickers on a Monday - whatever it is that makes you feel good. Learning to love yourself and doing acts of love for yourself will make you stronger and build up your emotional reserves and self esteem. Spending time with toxic people, even when you love them, erodes so much of your self. You deserve more.

Does he smoke weed?

it sounds very hard what I think you need to do is try and break it all down you probably can't both really go back into education now one of you at least needs to be working asap. I think you also need to probably look into what your husband is planning so if he does this course that's brilliant but if he goes to get his a levels he could maybe do a acsess to higher education course that is full time for one year , part time for 2 I don't believe he can claim job seekers at this point. Then uni if he does that full time I'm thinking at least 3 years how will be work around doing uni plus travelling all over for placements? Also this sounds awful but can he actually do this ? we don't all have the abilities to work in medicine If he's interested in that field what about aiming for something else to begin with I work in the admin and people I work with have trained on the job to be a health care assistant. He does need to be able to write for this aswell so if he gets help on the course that's brilliant. Would he consider learning a practical trade ? What is it you can learn ? would this lead to a qualification for you I'm just trying to understand as if it's for example your friends a plasters and they are going to teach you how to do it well would you not still need a qualification before you set up on your own ? I would go to citizens advice bureau about all benefits and see if someone can help you what are you getting at the moment ? are you sure you are getting what your are entitled to I can't understand how if neither of you are working them you aren't getting housing benefit o would really push for that. With regards to your mum have you told her honestly how you feel ? I would also try and spend sometime with other people you can usually go to toddler groups for about 1.50 so probably cheaper than soft play and you will get a drink and snack do you have a children's centre sure start near you ? they do free stay and at a ECT.

Your mother is emotionally abusive and a narcissist, she gets off on making you feel crap about yourself. She is a toxic individual and you'll get more emotional support from an ant.

Step one - go low contact to give yourself some breathing space. Direct her calls to voicemail, listen to her message & decide when to call but respond by text only.

Step 2 - limit your visits to once weekly, then once a fortnight or what you're happy with.

Step 3 - assuming your dc are pre schoolers try taking them out to playgroups where you can meet people too. Libraries have free / cheap activities so do musuems. Parks are free, soft play works out ££ when you're on a tight budget.

Step 4 - either ask your partner to leave so you can claim as a lone parent or you leave

Is he receiving counselling for his depression.

You need good hand and motor skills as a Dr for performing procedures not just for handwriting.

Sounds like a really horrible situation all round OP.

I always applaud anyone who tries to further themselves through education, so well done to your DP for taking this step, it takes courage. However, in the kindest possible way...have you both really talked about what it will take for him to become a physiotherapist? My daughter is one, I'm a teacher, and I know how tough it is for even the top percent of A* students to become one.

First, you have to have 5 GCSEs, which include English, Maths and AT LEAST one Science at grades A-C. So that's going to take him several years, if, at this stage, he's actually struggling to write.

Then, in order to even stand a chance of getting onto the massively hard to get on Physio degree course (which you have to do to become one) you need 2 (or even 3 for some) A levels, which include a Biological Science and PE.

So by now we are on a MINIMUM here of 5 years.

Then the degree! Which is a really tough, science based degree. Full time is 3 years, part-time anything from 4-6 years. If your OP needs to work during this he would have to choose p/t as the actual full time course is very intense with block placements, so would be difficult to fit in a job that paid enough to support a family.

So you're looking at a minimum of 8 years, possibly 10 or 11 before he's even ready to register with the HCPC...which is a requirement to practice physiotherapist.

I'm not saying all this to make you (or him) feel bad. But it does sound like you are both not really thinking long term. or making any realistic decisions about your future.

Learning to write (and read to a really good standard, if this is also an issue) should be priority. Your DP should still be working though, whilst doing this. Anything else, all those idealistic dreams, have to take a back seat until he passes 'Phase 1: learn to write'.

Your mum is probably very frustrated at how your DP appears, to her, to not be supporting you at all. And I think I'd feel the same to be fair. (I'd not act like she does though!)

• practice physiotherapy!!

I changed this three times...my phone insists on changing it to -ist!!

Interesting your brother sees that about your mum, it was my first thought (and that of many others I see) - is he near you? Can you talk to him/get his support?

Helping to keep you in a relationship that is making you so unhappy is not the action of a loving mother.

Buying expensive items, and flaunting them when you’re broke, is not the action of a loving mother.

“Insisting” you spend money you haven’t got, is not the action of a loving mother.

Taking your money and clothes and jewellery is not the action of a loving mother.

She is NOT making your life better, or even having no particular effect, she is making is a LOT worse. Please do take a step back. PP idea about seeing her every other day, and then even less in my book, is a great one.

How does your DH feel about his family threatening to take the children?

I honestly think you’d be better off getting rid of your mother than your DH at this stage. If he was hardworking, and it has changed since he became unemployed, then there is hope for him. If you weren’t revolving your life around your mum, you might have the energy to see more clearly what to do about DH, and your PND. I’m not saying you would end up staying with him, but wihtout her “helpful” voice in your ear all the time, at least it would be what works for you.

Talking of PND, no one is going to take your kids because you have PND. Half the children in the UK would be taken from their mothers if that was the case. and the other half would be taken in to care if all it took was a messy home!

What does your HV say that seems patronising? I’m not saying she isn’t, but if she is one of your potential supports, maybe there’s hope that she could still be quite helpful, if you talk to her about what you're dealing with?

Do you have any girlfriends? Have you been to any mummy groups?

I am really sorry you are battling both these huge problems (people), and have two babies at the same time. You need to know that you are already doing an amazing job of holding it together.

Dhs family basically told me they'd be able to take my kids from me if it was too bad and they'd report me if my home was untidy

In case no-one else has spotted this, don't worry. They can't take your kids. Yes they could report you, but social services would see the real situation.

If you can take steps towards your situation (like the suggestions from others), you'll be fine. In fact, I think you may find some relief from depression/pnd once you're the lone adult and not having to "parent" your Dp.

Tell your husband to get off his arse and get a fucking job

Has he spoken to anyone about the requirements of physiotherapy training? It's not easy. I have a BSc and MSc with very high grades in both, I've never struggled so much as with the one module in anatomy and physiology and I don't have any additional challenges to learning.

My brother is sadly no longer with us. I wish he was. He was my main support. That doesn't really help with our mother as I feel like I'm on my own now.
Dh went mental at them as soon as they said it to me. It's the reason we are NC with all but one person but even then it's because we have to at a push. He loves our dcs more than anything. I just feel he's a bit lost due to depression. But it still doesn't make an excuse for how I feel towards him

Yeah, we went to an open day.. 2 weeks ago? He sat down with the guidance person? Not sure who. He needs maths and English which he can get easily while it's still available free of charge. He has a sports a level and also anatomy tied in. His gcses in science, pe.
He needs to do a year after in biology.
An then access to HE physio
Then his degree