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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my dm to cut this out

80 replies

Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 20:35

I love my dm deary. Apart from my dc, she's all I have.
So I go out with my mom a lot to break the day up for me and my small dcs. (with what I have, I'll take them to soft play etc and so dm can spent time with them)
Everytime myself and my mom go out, she pressures me to buy something. I'm literally in the shit. A credit card debt because work didn't pay me properly for months. Dh was unemployed. No benefits aside child benefit etc. I'm on mat leave now but not entitled to smp. So I'm struggling to even pay rent. I've had to sell everything.
An my dm.. Today just really got to me. She just walked into a jewellers and bought an £900 ring. I'm not jealous, but she really rubs it in my face all the time. She's well looked after finally from her dp. An I'm happy for her, she's had a lot of shit in her life. But it makes me so so down when she's doing all this and saying "oh, but it means a lot to have diamonds. You can't afford them though. One day maybe"
Also little digs about dh. He's a gamer and incredibly depressed and things aren't going well at all between us now. I haven't told her this because of what I'm about to say. She sits there and says to me "myself and my dp were talking about your dh. He asked if I was a gaming addict how I would feel towards him. I told him I'd leave" maybe you should.

I'm just on my own here. I've applied for housing benefit but I'm not entitled a letter came back when I got home today. That was a smack in the face. I don't know what to do and my dm just rubs all this in. I just don't want to go out with her anymore.
I'm starting education again soon to better myself to provide for my kids and I can't afford the equipment. I'm just so low and she's there staring at an expensive diamond ring asking if I think it's sparkly enough. I don't want her money. I'm glad she's having what she wants and she's living her life happily as all of this is her pension. That's great. I just hate the uneccesary rubbing it in and making me feel more shit than I already do.

OP posts:

RunMummyRun68 · 02/07/2018 20:39

This is one of those posts where I'd love be to hear your mums side of things

Your DH is a 'gamer'? No he's not. Hes a manchild who plays games,and lives off his kids and their mum

Your mum, diamonds aside, maybe has a valid point here!

Original poster

Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 20:40

Indeed she does. He's a waste of space. With all due respect to him, whilst he's on jsa he's allowed to get into education again which he's doing and she's mildly happy about. That doesn't piss me off as much because in this sense, she's looking out for me, but throwing digs at me. I know what's she's doing. It's just the money issue.

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 02/07/2018 20:41

Is your DH still unemployed?

RunMummyRun68 · 02/07/2018 20:42

Is it her way of saying ' look at what you could have if your weren't with that waster'?

Original poster

Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 20:44

Yeah, going into education. He is still looking for work alongside. I'm not sticking up for him. But it's not like he quit his job. He was let go due to the company going under. He worked hard all before this. I don't know if he will stick to it and I'm guess is not. But there's problems between us anyway that I haven't disclosed with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 20:46

No, honestly, I don't think it is. Since my dcs material things don't matter so much to me. Whatever spare, I like to take them out and buy them things. They are my job. All my jewellery for example and most of my clothes I gave to her. Dh used to buy me a lot so I don't necessarily think that's what she's digging at.. I Could be wrong.

OP posts:

lifechangesforever · 02/07/2018 20:46

Sorry, but if you're on JSA and you have a family to support, you look for a job, not further education - your DH is a waste of space. I get finding work is tough but what is the education for - will it allow him to walk into a job after it and how long is the study for?

If you told your mum you were leaving him, would she support you? Would she allow you to move in with her temporarily?

What's the reason for not entitled to housing benefit?

newstart2018 · 02/07/2018 20:51

Looking for advice having to deal with dismissive and condescending bosses want to quit but need this job any advice how not to personalise?

newstart2018 · 02/07/2018 20:54

Oops sorry didn't mean to post this here 😞

Original poster

Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 20:55

He's entitled to do his gcses free to get a job. Which he doesn't have due to dyspraxia, disabilities etc. He can't write basically. Nope she wouldn't let me move in. I asked when I've tried to leave dp before.

Basically in the letter stated I hadn't given the correct information. (which I did. They asked for my tenancy agreement, which I provided. I went mental over the phone.)
I do want to add my course is part time and I can put dcs into childcare there free, so I want a job on top of it.
His education is for his gcses. His plan is to have a job along side it once he has them to study along side to get into medicine.

OP posts:

Churrolicious · 02/07/2018 20:57

I’m sorry my instinct isn’t this about her showing you what you could have. If she felt you were missing out she could be treating you or your DC when you’re out and about - not pressuring you to spend money she knows you can’t afford (assuming she does know this).

I’m sorry OP. It’s horrible.

lillylollylandy · 02/07/2018 20:58

OP what branch of medicine does he want to get into?

Cornishmumofone · 02/07/2018 21:01

Does he want a job in medicine or a healthcare job? If it's the former then he's got at least another 6 years of education ahead of him (and TBH if he's resitting GCSEs then he'll need to be highly motivated and extremely lucky!)

Original poster

Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:02

I don't want her to, I don't want her money. I really need to somehow stand on my own two feet. My work hasn't paid me properly in months and I have the opportunity now to learn a trade for free still and have a job alone side. I'd be a fool not to take it as its more money in the long run. Just less time with my babies. But I've made my bed now with him. She does know. I really struggled to pay rent last month. I couldn't afford it hardly and was facing eviction. She went through my finances with me. In the end I sold a lot and managed to pay. This month is the same. I still have some bits left and I'm selling a few bits of artwork I personalise on etsy. It's not a lot, but it helps a tiny bit. An physio. I'm guessing it's still medicine in a way, right? Sport maybe? I assume it to be medicine as its still healing?

OP posts:

MrsSarahSiddons · 02/07/2018 21:05

Why are you with him?

Original poster

Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:05

He seems determined. I'm not sure if I can do this anymore. I just don't know if I've fallen out of love with him. We don't talk to each other. There's just nothing there for me anymore. He thinks the opposite. We spoke. Nothing has changed. Only thing is two babies and tenancy agreement he's on. He has severe depression and it's hard.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 02/07/2018 21:06

Ok it seems that you have a lot of entangled issues - work arent paying you, you are married to someone who also has no money, no capability of earnign money and a mum who doesnt support you either

welshmist · 02/07/2018 21:09

Crikey when I go out shopping with DIL`S I love spending my money on clothes firstly for the children I also make sure they get to choose something they would like in the clothing line, I remember being a skint young Mum. I would never think to buy something for myself on days like this. I do wonder why your Mother is not helping you financially with the rent etc., is it because she does not approve of your DH and sees it as throwing good money after bad?

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 21:10

I don't want to sound harsh, but if he can't write, what exactly does he think he's going to do in medicine?

Do you really think he's going to go to college and do a part-time job at the same time? It doesn't sound as though he will.

You sound very depressed (and I don't blame you.) Would your mum help you to sort yourself out financially if you dumped your partner?

Original poster

Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:10

That's all I want. I want her support. Not financially. Emotionally. I need someone here for me but I don't have anyone at all. If I had some money for my birthday a few months back. I put 90% of it to my bills, nappies etc and I had a bit left over. But my dms birthday isn't long after mine. I spent the last of it on her. She knew and it was okay. She expected something.

OP posts:

Original poster

Majorintrovert · 02/07/2018 21:14

He's trying to learn. He's got a lot better ill say that. But I'll leave that there about him. He had a scribe in school and was embarrassed asking them to write. I can now read it almost when he writes a letter though. Other than that and loosing his dm in school and having depression about it, he's very bright. I don't know though.. Maybe not. I can't see how this will pan out now. I'm so tired from night feeds.
No, she wouldn't. I tried to leave him last year. She knew things weren't going well then due to his depressive state and my hormones we had a row over a few nights and I wanted to call it quits. I told her and asked if I could bring dcs and stay over for a bit. She told me she wouldn't have me.
She likes him. But I'm not understanding all the digs to me all the time.

OP posts:

welshmist · 02/07/2018 21:16

God alive I would be putting food in your cupboards, buying nappies, at the very least if I felt your DP was not good enough for you and I did not want him to benefit. That way I would know you and my grandchildren were looked after.

Lilacwine1 · 02/07/2018 21:17

I'd say,....she doesn't realise how bad she makes you feel, but she knows exactly what she's doing. Do you think she does it to show you, what your life could be like, if you left your DH?

ThistleAmore · 02/07/2018 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbsisspartacus · 02/07/2018 21:18

Ask him to leave this cannot continue

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