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Original poster

Partner away day drinking whilst I'm sick at home

118 replies

Crewpt · 02/07/2018 15:41

Off work sick today and partner decided to go day drinking, just like he did yesterday. I asked would he come home as I'm feeling lonely and sick and have noone else this part of the country. That was 3 hours ago. I won't be able to say anything to him when he gets back because he turns nasty and defensive. Just feeling absolutely worthless and miserable at the moment

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 02/07/2018 19:49

You keep saying he's perfect when sober. What makes him perfect? He doesn't have a job and I couldn't see a man who doesn't work as perfect (unless he has a disability?)

flopsyrabbit1 · 02/07/2018 19:51

why dosent he work??

how can he be generous on benefits??

so you apy all the rent then??

NameChange30 · 02/07/2018 19:53

FFS woman you need to LTB

He has a drinking problem, he’s abusive, he’s not even supporting you financially so you literally have no excuse apart from your own self esteem which must be non existent.

You say you feel stupid having relocated for him, but that’s the sunken costs fallacy. You’re only stupid if you stay.

Google co-dependency and the cycle of abuse

And see alcohol and domestic abuse

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 19:53

Well I suppose when sober he's considerate, supportive, loving and generous. But it goes out the window when he fancies a bender.

OP posts:
ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 02/07/2018 19:56

He makes his decision to start drinking whilst he is sober - so no, he's not considerate, supportive or loving when sober or he'd have made the decision to support you today.

Get well soon and leave the cocklodging bastard

WhiteVixen · 02/07/2018 20:00

It makes me sad that you would genuinely prefer to be with this idiot specimen of a man than independent and single. Why on earth would you set your relationship bar so low? Don't you deserve more?

What's your housing situation? Joint names, your name, his? Renting or do you own?

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 20:01

That's true. Suppose I may as well be alone as I kind of already am. I have an amazing family network and I know my dad and brothers would be up in a heartbeat and bring me home.but I keep thinking if I go to them it'll be final. Silly I know

OP posts:
Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 20:01

Renting in his name

OP posts:
Watchingthecloudsflyby · 02/07/2018 20:03

Who pays the rent? Council tax? Bills?

mcfifi · 02/07/2018 20:03

OK. We all get a bit drunk from time to time (well, most of us). Most people just giggle and talk shite then fall asleep.

Someone who regularly drinks heavily and whose personality changes when they’re drunk is a different matter. Your partner has alcohol abuse disorder.

It won’t just go away. He’s not going to turn into a normal social drinker. He can’t just “have a few” then leave it. It’s all or nothing for him.

Do NOT hang around listening to lies or counting on fantasies that’ll it’ll all be ok. It won’t. Two possibilities: either he decides that he needs and wants help with his disorder, and you agree to help him with that, or you leave.

If there’s no possibility that he’ll seek help, you need to get out of there. You start planning your escape now. Don’t waste your life on an alcoholic. Seriously. I’ve seen women give up years of their life trying to cope, hoping against all hope, and it just doesn’t work.

I’m really sad this is happening to you. You sound lovely and you don’t deserve this shit.

A couple of sites you might find helpful:

al-anon.org/

www.the-sinclair-method.com/

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 20:04

How on earth can he be generous when he's on benefits and spending so much money on alcohol?

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 20:06

Is he someone who's generous and then borrows it back when he wants a drink?

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 20:07

We both do. It's cheap where we are so can afford half each. I probably enable him because I have a drink on the weekends too and often buy some when doing the shopping. But it's these day benders that make him like this. I wouldn't even mind if he had a few at night and relaxed but his personality changes. it's like he immediately thinks of drink when he wakes up and the cycle begins. It's never just one or two.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 20:08

We're both very easygoing with money. We just combine it really it's never an issue in that sense

OP posts:
flopsyrabbit1 · 02/07/2018 20:09

oh so he is getting HB for the rent,wow he is living the dream

everything paid for

dosent work,why is that?

does what he wants

the list is endless

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 02/07/2018 20:10

I'm sorry OP but I really can't feel much sympathy. And why do you need someone to help carry your bags?

You're not happy, you know it's a crap relationship yet you're still there. It sounds like you just want sympathy, not just from us but your partner too. If you're going to stay you need to suck it up.

mcfifi · 02/07/2018 20:10

PS PLEASE phone your dad or brothers.

You haven’t failed. Your partner has.

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 20:12

I'm in my 20s so I'm no angel myself I love a glass of wine and reading a book or reading mumsnet but if I ever hurt someone because of it I'd never touch it again. That's what I can't figure out. He does it even after I tell him how he behaved. I feel like I've aged since this began. Thank u all so much u are all lovely a nd have great advice that's making me think x

OP posts:
Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 20:14

Put the bunny in the box. We'll I'm hardly gonna take all my possessions on my back am I. Of course I'd need help. I'm not looking for sympathy I'm venting and looking for inspiration or advice.

OP posts:
HappyHedgehog247 · 02/07/2018 20:14

I think he’s shown you today, again, what kind of man he is. I’m sorry you’re poorly but maybe this will be the moment when you decide enough is enough?

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 02/07/2018 20:18

We'll I'm hardly gonna take all my possessions on my back am I.

I was talking about your shopping Hmm

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 02/07/2018 20:18

He does it even after I tell him how he behaved. This doesn't fit with your considerate and loving boyfriend narrative. I really think you've set the bar way too low. Was your previous relationship to this a bit shit/abusive? (or is this your first relationship?) Because I can't imagine why you'd think this is a partner worth holding on to.

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 20:19

You share your money. He doesn't work. He drinks an awful lot - he must be spending around £50 at a minimum at a time. That's not his money he's spending - it's yours.

flopsyrabbit1 · 02/07/2018 20:20

you wont leave and will just carry on till the next time he upsets you,and repeat

so many threads like this on MN

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 02/07/2018 20:30

Agreed @flopsyrabbit1 but that just goes to show how the combination of low self-esteem, fear and a long time being treated badly can accumulate and make stepping out of what has become a 'comfort zone' really, really hard. Women need to empower women. OP, be strong. Call your family today and have them come get you. I can promise that once you have done it, you will feel such a sense of relief and being unburdened. It is like anything hard in life - the anticipation and fear of doing it is far worse than the actual doing it itself. Treat yourself as important. Act as you would advise your best friend, sister or daughter to act. You only get one shot at life: this is yours, don't spend it with someone who makes you unhappy.