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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner away day drinking whilst I'm sick at home

118 replies

Crewpt · 02/07/2018 15:41

Off work sick today and partner decided to go day drinking, just like he did yesterday. I asked would he come home as I'm feeling lonely and sick and have noone else this part of the country. That was 3 hours ago. I won't be able to say anything to him when he gets back because he turns nasty and defensive. Just feeling absolutely worthless and miserable at the moment

OP posts:
Watchingthecloudsflyby · 02/07/2018 18:47

So you live with a guy with alcohol abuse issues you gets violent and nasty? You need to get out of the relationship.

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 18:49

He's not violent but can be quite nasty and verbally abusive, when sober it's the opposite. Wondering is there anyway he will change his his habits

OP posts:
Watchingthecloudsflyby · 02/07/2018 18:55

Ok sorry, nasty not violent but they're both abusive op.

How long you been together?
How long he been a nasty drunk?
Are kids a possibility?

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 19:00

3 years. Not at this moment as I don't want kids unless they've a secure home. It's like everytime he has a drink he becomes obsessed with ppl that have wronged him. And has been really nasty to me at times such as throwing me out etc. I've spoken to him about how anxious I get when he drinks during the day but it's on deaf ears, we often have a few drinks together on weekend evenings but it's the day long binges that make him act out. If he could limit it to weekends I wouldn't mind

OP posts:
Watchingthecloudsflyby · 02/07/2018 19:01

Th he hadn't changed in three years, he probably isn't going to. It's be long enough for me to say I give in tbh

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 19:07

Pros:

When he's sober, he's nice.

Cons:

He's often drunk
He throws you out of the house
He becomes obsessed with people who've wronged him
He's nasty and defensive
He disappears when you need him
He's verbally abusive

Time to break up with this man, OP. It never gets better; it always gets worse.

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 19:09

I know your right. Was just hoping for s miracle solution. It's hard when you have given so much time and work and moved to another part of the country for someone. You just feel stupid

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 02/07/2018 19:12

Perfect summary from HollowTalk. Screenshot it and think about it!

he will happily drink day and night if he can afford it.

He is an alcoholic. The sober periods will lessen and he will become more aggressive, and eventually physically aggressive.

What is you get pregnant by mistake? Don't take the risk Ib bringing children into this situation, leave now.

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 19:14

The thing is, you prefer him when he's sober, but he likes to be drunk. Being drunk is his favourite state of mind. What does that tell you about him?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/07/2018 19:15

Hope you feel better soon.

Never expect men to change. I'm so glad to hear that you don't have children with him. Time to leave. You deserve better.

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 19:17

I've often left plenty of times. I just feel drained from his dramas and anxious as when I go to work I worry he'll be drinking. He went crazy and broke up with me once when I did the shopping after work and asked would he meet me to help carry it in. Because he was tired and sleeping off his bender

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 19:21

Re-read what you've just written.

I just feel drained from his dramas and anxious as when I go to work I worry he'll be drinking. He went crazy and broke up with me once when I did the shopping after work and asked would he meet me to help carry it in. Because he was tired and sleeping off his bender

myusernamewastakenbyme · 02/07/2018 19:22

My first husband was like this op...I made the mistake of having 2 kids with him....the day my 2nd son was born after an emergency c section he brought me home and within minutes was heading to the pub.....despite the fact i had a 16 month old and a newborn and was told not to lift anything....
I left him when the kids were 1 and 2....don't be me.....they prioritise drink above everything and everyone x

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 19:26

Thanks so much everyone. I appreciate the advice it's just frustrating because he goes sober for a week and I feel so thankful I've not left. The last time I was paralysed with anxiety and sadness thinking I threw away my future. His friend and his friends partner dropped in today and we're so kind offering to go chemist for me and to ring if I need anything. I think I just worry I'll never meet someone again

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 19:35

Have you ever known him to NOT prioritise alcohol?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/07/2018 19:39

Staying with him as you are afraid you won't meet another man is madness.

You don't need a man, you can be perfectly happy alone. Would you advise a future daughter to stay in a relationship like this because she might not find another male? Of course not.

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 19:39

No actually. He's out drinking away without a care in the world and here's muggings lying sick on the couch. Maybe I've put up with it so long it's almost normal. I enjoy a drink as much as the next girl. But I would never let it take precedence to anything else in my life. He will guzzle it down and never takes ownership for his actions. I'm going to be 30 soon and worried I'll end up alone or still with him when he drinks like this.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 02/07/2018 19:39

Oh I’m sorry OP, his drinking sounds like a real issue Flowers

How can he drink so much in the day - is he not working?

EeeSheWasThin · 02/07/2018 19:40

I expect you will meet someone again, but really, would it be so bad to be on your own if he makes you anxious and would rather go out for a drinking session than be with you? My ex was like this. It took me years to leave him and I should never have married him in the first place. The relief of knowing he was never going to come home drunk again. Or actually come home at all.

MissConductUS · 02/07/2018 19:41

@Crewpt - so sorry to hear about all of this. He's an alcoholic. It's a progressive disease, so it gets worse over time. It will continue downhill until he gets help in stopping. He cannot stop without help. I know, I'm an alcoholic too, but I've been sober for 21 years.

You have to get ready to move out and on. When you are ready, tell him that you can only stay with him if he stops drinking and that you will help him get help to do so. It's a recognized disease that needs treatment and he should start with a visit to his doctor to discuss it. It's unlikely that he'll agree so have alternate arrangements set.

If you want to, of course you'll meet someone again. In the meantime, a bit of time on your own is much better than what you're suffering with now.

Good luck. Flowers

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 19:43

No he doesn't work. And true at this point in the evening I'm almost glad he's not home now because if he comes home later he might just go to sleep. Everything becomes about him when hr drinks the world owes him a favour. He blares these stupid bitter songs etc half the night. But then again when he's sober he's perfect. And that's true if I had a daughter I'd die before encouraging her to have the mind set that she needs a man. I wasn't brought up to be so needy

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 19:44

Hang on a second - is he using your money to go out drinking?

happypoobum · 02/07/2018 19:45

Does he work? Where does he get his money from?

Can you really not see that being single would be a million times better than this?

81Byerley · 02/07/2018 19:45

"I think I just worry I'll never meet someone again"

Trust me, you can do better than a binging abusive alcoholic who puts drink first. Being alone is not as bad as you think....it's stress free compared to the life you have now. You are enabling him, and as long as you do that he will not stop, and this will continue or get worse.

Original poster
Crewpt · 02/07/2018 19:46

No he is on benefits. He generally is very generous with money. In fairness to him

OP posts:
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