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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to know?!

106 replies

helpmechoose1979 · 02/07/2018 15:30

Long story short - very senior guy at work is having an affair with one of my colleagues. I am
So angry about the whole
Thing. I have suspected
For months - lots of small signs etc - but we had a night out last week and it was made very clear that everybody at work knew - they disappeared off together very early. She stayed over in the hotel with him despite living 2 miles down the road etc.
Anyways long and short of it is I have this guy on Facebook - has a wife - 3 young children - plays the doting dad - usual type. His wife is a SAHM and I just feel so bloody sorry for her. I am
Very tempted to message her and reveal - AIBU? I would 100% want to know if that was my DH and I was at home like a mug while he was behaving that way - but also appreciate it's None of my business etc. Very tempted
And keep thinking about doing it but then backing out... what do you think I should do?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 15:32

I'm sorry but if you do you will lose your job. Can you afford to do that?

Merryoldgoat · 02/07/2018 15:32

Load some of people will tell you to mind your own business but I would 100% want to know.

ReservoirDogs · 02/07/2018 15:32

Myob

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 02/07/2018 15:33

I would personally keep out of it unless his wife is a friend on yours

Since they are clearly being so indiscreet it will no doubt all come to a head soon anyway and it's quite likely his wife already knows

lenalove · 02/07/2018 15:34

The main issue here is, could your own job be jeopardized if you were to "out" this man/the affair? Presumably in due course he would find out it was you, which in itself could be dangerous. Totally get how you're feeling, just concerned this could have implications on your own life..!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/07/2018 15:36

If you do that you will lose your job.

I could be wildly wrong but Im sure there would be a small matter of unfair dismissal there. Hmm.

Whereisthecoffee · 02/07/2018 15:36

Could you do it anonymously? I’d want to know.

SpiritedLondon · 02/07/2018 15:37

Who made you the morality police? If I knew a colleague had done this I would give them a very wide berth.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 02/07/2018 15:37

I'd unfriend him from Facebook for a start.

It's not really your business but every time you see a family update you'll be thinking about him and your colleague.

NeverHadANickname · 02/07/2018 15:38

I'd want to know. How many times do we see people upset that they were the last to know or they wished people had told them.

MaMaMaMySharona · 02/07/2018 15:39

SpiritedLondon I can't imagine why you would do that!

I would absolutely want to know if I was her, I would be appalled to find out so many people knew and did nothing. Do it anonymously though if you do decide to go ahead with it, not worth risking your own job and life for this idiot.

Original poster
helpmechoose1979 · 02/07/2018 15:40

Sorry / I was planning on doing it anonymously - setting up a fake Facebook profile and dropping her a message. I know it sounds shitty - but keep thinking if it was me I would 100% want to know. So no implications of losing my job etc

OP posts:
Trills · 02/07/2018 15:40

I would want to know.

But I don't know if it's safe for you to tell.

OkMaybeNot · 02/07/2018 15:40

I'd do it anonymously.

Storm4star · 02/07/2018 15:41

I would want to know but if you are going to do it then you have to give her something to work with! Just saying "your DH is having an affair at work" probably won't cut it. He'll wriggle out of it and she'll be left feeling worse. If you do it, give her something concrete. There's a thread in relationships right now about a note left on a car and the husband in that case is saying "it's malicious, don't know what they're talking about etc". Which in that case may be true, I don't know. But yes, I think telling her is the right thing to do.

Original poster
helpmechoose1979 · 02/07/2018 15:42

@SpiritedLondon not claiming to be the morality police - just can't stop thinking that I know what's happening and if that was me I would be furious to find out lots of people know and sat back without speaking up

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 02/07/2018 15:43

Ok so the op couldn’t be dismissed fairly, but you can imagine working in that atmosphere? That would do anyone’s emotional well-being in I should think!

Honestly unless the wife was my friend or family member, I wouldn’t be saying anything. It doesn’t effect your life or anyone You care about about so 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not your problem yes it’s harsh but it’s really not your problem

SpiritedLondon · 02/07/2018 15:44

It doesn’t matter if 1000 people would want to know - you are not her friend are you? Does she even know you? Have you ever been on the relationship board because I have and I’ve seen threads where women have received anonymous information like this and they are completely torn about whether the information is legit or not , whether someone has a grudge or not. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing. The responsibility lies with the husband.

Original poster
helpmechoose1979 · 02/07/2018 15:45

@Storm4star thanks - makes sense.
The issue is we are all based out in the field and don't have one set location - it would be virtually impossible for me to do it any other way than over social media. Obviously anonymously. I can't say too much as it'll be outing / but I am certain that something is taking place between them - I actually had thought so since January but it was confirmed but about 10+ colleges last week.

OP posts:
NoLongerAskedForID · 02/07/2018 15:46

I don't think you can because you don't know her. Yes, he is a scumbag and yes she deserves to know but I don't think it's up to you to decide how and when her life gets turned upside down. You never know, she may suspect but prefer to keep her head buried firmly in the sand. Don't take it upon yourself to make these decisions for her.

Would be completely different if she was your friend or someone you knew fairly well.

Original poster
helpmechoose1979 · 02/07/2018 15:48

@SpiritedLondon I agree it has nothing to do with me - no not her friend - or even his for that matter. But surely saying nothing is more cowardly than speaking up. It's ridiculous to say the responsibility sits with the husband - he also has a responsibility to stay faithful but is clearly doing a shitty job at that!

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmechoose1979 · 02/07/2018 15:49

@PinkHeart5914 I wouldn't worry about the atmosphere as could let her know without outing myself quite easily. Most people that we work with know about it so he would have no reason to suspect me specifically

OP posts:
Rocinante1 · 02/07/2018 15:50

Tell her. But if it's anonymous, you need to give her specifics. The name of the woman. Times they've been together etc etc.
You see so many women saying "I've had this anonymous message accusing my husband of having an affair. He assures me he's not and he's such a wonderful husband and dad so I believe him. Should I go to the police about this harassment?"

So if you do it, give her as much detail as you can.

TheEmmaDilemma · 02/07/2018 15:50

You don't know what is going on behind closed doors. Keep that in mind.

My Facebook would have made my marriage look lovely in the 6 months that it fell apart. People don't post that shit do they?

Storm4star · 02/07/2018 15:53

I never get it when people say "none of your business". Would these same people walk past a man beating a woman and say "none of my business". You can say it's not the same but actually it is. Anyone who has ever been cheated on knows it hurts a heck of a lot more than a punch to the face. Would you say, "oh I won't interfere as I don't know what else is going on in the relationship". Not only is this woman being cheated on but everyone at work knows. How humiliating for her. OP, I think what you want to do just makes you a decent human being and once this woman has the information available to her, she can choose what she wants to do about it.

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