Would you want to know?!

[helpmechoose1979]

Long story short - very senior guy at work is having an affair with one of my colleagues. I am
So angry about the whole
Thing. I have suspected
For months - lots of small signs etc - but we had a night out last week and it was made very clear that everybody at work knew - they disappeared off together very early. She stayed over in the hotel with him despite living 2 miles down the road etc.
Anyways long and short of it is I have this guy on Facebook - has a wife - 3 young children - plays the doting dad - usual type. His wife is a SAHM and I just feel so bloody sorry for her. I am
Very tempted to message her and reveal - AIBU? I would 100% want to know if that was my DH and I was at home like a mug while he was behaving that way - but also appreciate it's None of my business etc. Very tempted
And keep thinking about doing it but then backing out... what do you think I should do?

Keep on posting, OP... nothing leaves the internet even when it's deleted as I'm sure this thread will be. You knew that, right?

People who know about the affair should not have to carry that burden in their work environment. Am sure most feel v uncomfortable knowing.

Maybe you could send HR an anon email lol

@kisskiss the OW works in HR...

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Jesus your vile

Back at you OP. I'd be me any day.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe also i don't claim it to be my problem - but seeing as they paraded it in front of me last week I can't stop thinking about doing what I believe to be the right thing.

Seriosuly though if someone I didn't know trie to send me a friend request on FB (a) I wouldn't friend them because I don't know them and (b) if they included in the message that my DH was having an affair I would assume they were batshit crazy.

You would actually be giving the man the chance to deny his real affair if it came out saying remember there was that crazy person who accused me - its just that again!

Just get on with your own life.

I absolutely wouldn’t want to know.

I would be very loathe to get involved in your place OP. None of your business.

A few things jump out.

1. those saying myob could be or have been unfaithful in their marriage and projecting

2. anonymous is a real grey area isn’t it. It kind of makes you a villain in it all too, I’m not sure

3. do you have anything concrete? What can you give her?

4. if you do, hold off for another situation where you are altogether to have passed. You are currently the last to find out - you would be prime suspect at the moment

5. the ow. Is she single? If not you would need to consider the ethics of telling one and not the other.

6. I’d want to know. I’d be devastated, and I mightn’t move on it right away, but I’d want to know.

There'll be a reason why everybody knows but nobody's said anything - they're waiting for some mug to stand up and act so that they can all watch the soap opera. If you stick your head above the parapet here when you don't know the wife, you'll be the shitstirrer. They'll assume you spilled the beans as they'll know you were the last to find out.

We used to know a guy who so brazenly cheated on his girlfriend, then fiancé, then wife that we all assumed she was fine with it - I think he may have even peddled that story.

One day a friend of his wife popped in to ours and during conversation sombrely told us wife was devastated and the marriage was over because he had been cheating! I actually blurted out, “but I thought everyone knew that!?”

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

The OP is not blowing apart that woman's life. The husband is. He is having am affair. Married people typically make decisions for the whole family, so that woman could easily be making choices which reflect her status as happily married with kids - those include career choices, lifestyle choices, sacrifices and all the rest of it. All whilst he is having an affair, could leave her unexpectedly anytime and shed have the fall out to deal with.

She is an adult. She has the right to make decisions for herself based on the real circumstances, not based on the lies her husband tells her. It is cruel to know about it and not reveal it. But it's idiotic to risk your reputation in your field of work in order to reveal it. You really are a nasty piece of work and I'm guessing you've been involved in an affair in the past if this is how you feel.

OP, please tell the wife and don't feel any pressure to reveal your name. Even if he cannot directly fire you, he can smear your name in your workplace and any potential new employers.

jacques you would really not want to know if your husband was having an affair?

@dogzdinner

Honestly? No. Provided he was subtle and safe and I didn’t find out.

I have no clue whether my ex had an affair. I don’t think so but it isn’t a major issue of mine.

I'd do it op no hesitation.

It's the decent thing to do!

@JacquesHammer

Do you not have any self respect? You'd be happy to live in a pretend bubble of contentment whilst your husband and various women laughed about You?

I wouldn't want to be told. I'd rather find out myself than have the humiliation of knowing I was the 'last' to know.

zeeboo I don't see how that would make a difference. The wife will still feel she's the last to know whether she's told or finds out herself.

Do you not have any self respect? You'd be happy to live in a pretend bubble of contentment whilst your husband and various women laughed about You?

Yes lots thanks. I just don’t require monogamy. It’s a perfectly valid choice; definitely not for everyone but one I was happy with.

If you're going to do it, the Facebook inbox won't work. I once lost a wallet while on holiday: someone tried to get in touch via facebook and I saw their message about 9 months later (they had handed it into the police in the meantime).

Can you imagine anything worse than spotting that message in 9 months time? She could have decided to have another baby, their relationship could have started to break down and she could then realise how much time she's saving.

If you're going to do it, I'd do something like a printed registered letter to her address, marked private, that only she can sign for. I'd say you worked with her husband, and the OW: I'd give dates where they had clearly shared a hotel room, and I'd stress that everyone in the firm knows and you feel terrible telling her like this but if you told her in person you're worried for your job.

As has been pointed out, if she knows, then it won't cause any problems. If she suspects, it may give her her sanity back, and the ability to do some snooping and get her house in order.

Wow op she works in HR? Tell her boss!!! Totally unethical and you would be in your rights to bring it up, not ok in a corporate environment and most companies wouldn’t stand for it.

Tell her. I knew but had no proof. I was gaslighted for a long time and it had a severe impact on my mental health, I was self harming.

I wish someone had told me.

I would definitely want to know. If you’re fine with non-monogamy (no idea if that’s the correct term) then that’s great.

I’m not ok with my partner/boyfriend/husband having sex with other women so I wouldn’t want to live a lie.

Do it.

She probably suspects and he's probably gaslighting her.

Either the personal is political, or it's not. Do we stand by and let men get away with damaging our sisters' mental health? I say no. We don't.

Make sure your job is safe, do what you need to do to make the info anonymous. Give as much detail as you can so he can't make you out to be an unhinged malicious hoaxer.

I would want to know, but I wouldn't want a random, at his place of work telling me. She might know, but prefers not to say anything. I really think you should stay out of it.