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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to know?!

106 replies

helpmechoose1979 · 02/07/2018 15:30

Long story short - very senior guy at work is having an affair with one of my colleagues. I am
So angry about the whole
Thing. I have suspected
For months - lots of small signs etc - but we had a night out last week and it was made very clear that everybody at work knew - they disappeared off together very early. She stayed over in the hotel with him despite living 2 miles down the road etc.
Anyways long and short of it is I have this guy on Facebook - has a wife - 3 young children - plays the doting dad - usual type. His wife is a SAHM and I just feel so bloody sorry for her. I am
Very tempted to message her and reveal - AIBU? I would 100% want to know if that was my DH and I was at home like a mug while he was behaving that way - but also appreciate it's None of my business etc. Very tempted
And keep thinking about doing it but then backing out... what do you think I should do?

OP posts:
MommySharkDoDoDoDo · 02/07/2018 15:54

I would 100% want to know if it were me.

If you’re going to do it anonymously I would suggest providing very specific details so that she is more inclined to believe it/look into it.

Mrsharrison · 02/07/2018 15:55

Never get involved unless you have seen it with your own eyes.
If you're basing it on your feelings and what colleagues said, then that isn't proof.
No doubt something is going on but did you actually see them go into the hotel?

SpiritedLondon · 02/07/2018 15:55

I’m sorry I work in an environment where affairs are not unusual. It’s not that I agree with it but I don’t pretend to know the inner workings of everyone else’s marriage. My loyalty is with the people I work with - although I appreciate that my workplace is a very specific culture which is likely to be different to lots of other places. I would give anyone who interfered in this way a wide berth since I would not consider you to be trust worthy.

Vixnixtrix1981 · 02/07/2018 15:57

Whatever you do, don't do it anonymously to any technology linked to work

Vixnixtrix1981 · 02/07/2018 15:58

on any technology*

jane2019 · 02/07/2018 16:01

2 people at my work are doing the same thing. Both are playing happy families at home. All of our office know about it.
I feel sorry for their other halves. I don't know them well but apparently the man's wife is often putting 'love my perfect family' posts on facebook.
I wouldn't tell the partners. I don't think it's for me to say and I can't imagine the hurt they'd suffer.

Rosielily · 02/07/2018 16:02

Before your did do anything anonymously via a fake FB/messenger account I'd check that your other colleagues used FB too and whether they're also friends with the wife. Otherwise, if it's just you, you will very quickly be suspected.

Original poster
helpmechoose1979 · 02/07/2018 16:02

@Mrsharrison yes - saw them both enter the hotel together and she waited for him to check in. She then went up in the lift 2 mins after him. The same the following morning. He walks down into reception - she follows 2 mins later. They look around (didn't notice me) she hands him the 2nd key card and he checks out.
I would say I'm 100% sure that it's going on / it's not just a bit of flirting that's been noticed.

I first had a red flag when me and her were together for the day about 6 months ago and he continually called her while we were in the car (maybe 6 or 7 times) and she wouldn't pick up while I was there.

Also they work in totally different departments so no real reason to call her if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmechoose1979 · 02/07/2018 16:04

@Rosielily yes good point. Lots of people from work are friends with him. All of which were out last week.
I'm not friends with his wife but figured I'd be able to inbox her?

OP posts:
TulipTilers · 02/07/2018 16:07

For everyone who says MYOB, would you feel the same if someone you knew caught your DH with someone else? That they thought they should mind their own, so didn't bother telling youConfused

Jaxhog · 02/07/2018 16:07

Don't tell her.

Unless you know her well, you have no idea what the background is. Perhaps she already knows and would be devastated to think other people knew. Maybe they have an open marriage, and she sleeps around too?

Telling her will achieve nothing positive, and probably lose you your job.

Arum51 · 02/07/2018 16:09

Not sure if you can message someone you are not friends with on FB.

But yes, I'd want to know. Poor woman, how humiliating. As a pp said, would you walk by if he was hitting her in the street? "It's a private family matter"?

And as pps have also said, put in details. Be clear, facts only.

authcodehobby · 02/07/2018 16:10

Don't tell her. Mind your own business. You have no idea what might be going on between them.

Mrsharrison · 02/07/2018 16:10

Well yes there's your proof op.

However your colleages know all about it too. Maybe one of them is planning on telling the wife?

I do worry that they will realise its you and your job is jeopardised. It's great you have a strong moral code but you do have to put yourself first. It would be different if she was his friend.

Storm4star · 02/07/2018 16:10

Maybe they have an open marriage, and she sleeps around too

It amazes me how this always gets rolled out on these types of threads. If they have an open marriage then there's no harm done by OP telling her, is there?!

RafikiIsTheBest · 02/07/2018 16:11

I'd want to know, and in your situation I would be giving specific details known to all the colleagues in the message to his wife.

I get what people are saying, not your monkeys, not on you to tell her, not your place to end their relationship. And I agree, it is the wife's place to know, the wife's place to hold her husband accountable and the wife's place to decide on the fate of the relationship. Without someone like the OP giving her the information, she may be wasting precious years of her life with a lying cheater, staying at home, raising their children when she could be making her own life.
She has wasted at least 6 months whilst this scum screws another woman. How much longer should she be kept in the dark?
And yeah she might know, she might have suspicions that she is ignoring if so she can either ignore the message or use it.

PP's have said if they found out they would avoid OP as she seems disloyal, I would be happy to have co-workers like you OP.

ISeeTheLight · 02/07/2018 16:16

You need to let her know, anonymously. If through FB perhaps one of your friends (unrelated and unknown to anyone at work) can message her.

I'd want to know. If she's a SAHM with young children she'd also need to be able to prepare should it come to a divorce.

RideOn · 02/07/2018 16:17

But you don't know her and you don't really know if she would want to know, or what situation she is in.

Maybe she knows, maybe she will find out soon, maybe she would want to get an anonymous tip off.

I'd say MYOB

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2018 16:18

You sound creepy OP. Anonymous message? That is disgraceful. Keep your nose out of it. Unfriend your boss and his family and his OW from facebook and then you won't have to see this 'evidence'.

What you can and should do though is tell your boss to keep it out of the workplace. I did that, it was untenable at one point and to his (small) credit, he did, from that point on.

Really, keep your nose out, this doesn't concern you more than it actually affects you.

DeputyBrennan · 02/07/2018 16:19

I'd want to know, and in your situation I like to think I'd tell the wife, albeit anonymously. You don't sound like you have any doubts about what you've seen and know, and since several of your colleagues are aware of what's going on, it shouldn't get you (specifically) into trouble.

It's awful that this woman not only is being cheated on, but that lots of other people are aware of it going on. Not that cheating discreetly is really any better than doing it openly, but it's pretty damn awful behaviour to effectively burden your work colleagues with a secret like this. Maybe they think you're all oblivious, of course.

gillybeanz · 02/07/2018 16:19

I'd tell her anonymously, with details of them staying together at the hotel, her name, etc. Tell her all his work knows about it.
When the shit hits the fan he might guess it's someone from work, but if everyone knows about it, would he guess it was you?

Inmyvestandpants · 02/07/2018 16:21

Whilst I'd hate to be the last to know, I'd also hate to find out from an anonymous tipoff. It's so brutal and will cause confusion, as she won't know whether to believe it. Furthermore, it IS his responsibility. This is the direct result of his choices, so he should be the one to face up to what he's doing and tell his wife.

Why don't you anonymously message the cheating husband and suggest he ends the affair / tells his wife? The man has to choose.

softygirl · 02/07/2018 16:23

Please tell his wife, I've been there. My ex-H shagged someone at his office Christmas do two years before he left us for a different woman. I didn't have a clue. One of his colleagues told me in the end and it made me so angry that people just ignored it. He's with a different girl from work now, I'm so glad I got shot of him. If people had only told me sooner I would have saved two years of him telling me it was all in my head.

Slartybartfast · 02/07/2018 16:27

no dont involve yourself.
unfriend them both on facebook.

not your concern

fieryginger · 02/07/2018 16:27

I don't think it's your place to tell her. It sounds like she's going to find out sooner or later, the way he's carrying on. I would want to know, but I wouldn't want to find out from some random, it'd be almost stalkerish if you don't know her.

Also, it really is none of your business. I wouldn't give it as much thought as you have, because it's none of my business.

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