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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is despicable and possibly emotional abuse?

100 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 14:48

DD was arguing with a friend on the phone, normally I'd leave it but she seemed to be trying to persuade her friend not to do something. She also used fairly strong language, calling her friend "an emotional abuser" and "evil."

DH and I asked what it was about, and apparently this friend is orchestrating for one of her friends to kiss her current boyfriend. She can then accuse him of cheating and leave him instead of breaking up with him honestly with an actual reason (which is, according to DD, that she wants to be single over summer.) If she wants a steady boyfriend again, she can "forgive" him after summer is over!

DD says that her friend mentioned that he's very loyal/respectful so will probably try to pull away, so told the friend that's apparently helping with this plan to literally force him if he tries to move away! Shock She also apparently said that he has mental health issues and low self esteem and will happily blame himself and accept that he was "cheating" when she accuses him of doing so.

I think this is absolutely awful. DH says it's not nice but I'm overreacting. According to DD this is a fairly common thing. This is more out of interest, but, do you think I'm BU? I just think it's despicable.

They're 16, the boy is 15, if that changes opinions at all.

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 02/07/2018 14:54

It isn’t a nice thing to do but they’re teenagers. I’d just let them get on with it & not get involved.

Mrsharrison · 02/07/2018 14:54

Absolutely disgusting and i'd be on the phone to the friend telling her not to do it. But I'm a busybody.
This 15 year old boy needs protecting - teenagers have committed suicide for less.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 14:55

I don't think I could get involved, regardless - I don't know who the boy is and barely know the girl. It's got me absolutely fuming though!

Fortunately DD has stated that she wants no part in it. I'm thankful for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 14:57

This 15 year old boy needs protecting - teenagers have committed suicide for less

It was the mental health issues that really got me, I think - not only was she willingly doing this despite knowing that he has them, but she was happy to exploit them.

I know they're only teens but it's still absolutely awful!

OP posts:
Sleepyandtired21 · 02/07/2018 14:58

I know a boy who killed himself after being dumped in a fairly similar situation. I know that sounds very dramatic but if there is any way you can intervene - please try. The girl should be ashamed of herself.

Sundance65 · 02/07/2018 14:58

This is a pretty horrible thing to do but they are teenagers. I would chat to your DD about what she can do to support the boy if her friend goes ahead with this plan.

But personally I would not get involved.

But give credit to your daughter for standing up to a friend who was doing something wrong!!!

NWQM · 02/07/2018 14:59

How fantastic that your daughter has stood up to her friend who is about to do something that at best is just awful but actually is abusive. How would your husband be reacting if a boy forced himself on your daughter as part of a plot to emotionally abuse her and make her feel unwanted and perhaps humiliated.I’d be supporting her to continue to challenge her friend and perhaps speak up the boy. She perhaps needs support to continue to evaluate this friendship. You are not over reacting.

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/07/2018 15:03

I would be really disappointed in my child if they behaved that way. It's manipulation and is essentially your DD using underhand tactics instead of being honest.

I'm not too impressed by the friend who's going along with it either.

I don't get how your DD can call her friend an emotional abuser though over this?

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/07/2018 15:04

Oh I read it wrong!! Good for your DD!

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:06

I don't get how your DD can call her friend an emotional abuser though over this?

It's possible she was using hyperbole, but I think she was trying to say that the girl is orchestrating for him to "do something wrong", to then emotionally manipulate him into believing he has indeed done something awful so she has an excuse to leave him. Which I think could count as emotional abuse, especially if she carries on with this sort of thing when she's older.

And yes, I'm very proud that my DD has stood up to her friend! She does have friendship/confidence issues too so it's really nice to hear that she's happy to disagree (and openly) with friends. Would probably prefer a different subject matter though.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:07

Oh I read it wrong!! Good for your DD!

Oh Grin

Well thank you. Like I said I am very glad that she's not involved in this in any way. I think I'd be horrified if a boy's mother contacted me and told me my daughter was somehow involved in something like this.

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Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:20

if there is any way you can intervene - please try.

My DD is currently furiously texting at her phone so I think she's trying to dissuade this friend.

I'm not sure if I'd be unreasonable to literally phone up the girl and tell her not to. Part of me wants to call her parents and tell them to forbid her, but that seems complete overkill.

I don't know the boy's parents or anything so can't ring his parents, which was my gut reaction.

OP posts:
Shinesweetfreedom · 02/07/2018 15:23

Dear God poor lad.
She is the type to cry rape to get what she wants.
Do you know the lad involved.
Could you contact his mum.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:24

Do you know the lad involved.
Could you contact his mum.

That's what I originally wanted to do, call his mother, but I don't think I know him at all! He doesn't even go to their school.

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crunchymint · 02/07/2018 15:24

Shines That is a disgusting thing to say.
This is typical stupid teenage ways of behaving. "Crying rape". FFS.

RafikiIsTheBest · 02/07/2018 15:26

You need to talk to your DH, I cannot understand how he thinks it is just 'not nice'. How would he feel if your DD had mental health issues, was loyal to her boyfriend and he was getting another teenage lad to force himself on her, making sure she can't move away when he kisses her.
God, just writing that makes me feel sick.

This teen's self-worth is going to plummet thinking he has broken his girlfriend's heart. That's horrible on it's own, then add in MH issues. Poor kid.

And your poor DD. As an adult she would be better able to distance herself from such 'friends' and be more able to contact the boyfriend to warn him and support him if they go ahead with it. As a teenager it's really not that easy.

Sleepyandtired21 · 02/07/2018 15:26

I don’t think contacting her parents would BU at all. I’m sure they have no idea what’s going on. Hopefully they would punish her - but she sounds the type to freeze your DD out. This is a tricky age but tbh you need to prioritise this boy and his mental health as a matter of urgency.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:26

This is typical stupid teenage ways of behaving. "Crying rape". FFS.

I know false rape accusations are very rare, and are brought up extremely often if you compare it to how often it actually happens; but is it really typical teenage behaviour? DD was telling me that lots of people do it, I couldn't believe it. I think it's just a horrible thing to do.

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Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:29

This teen's self-worth is going to plummet thinking he has broken his girlfriend's heart. That's horrible on it's own, then add in MH issues. Poor kid.

I think that got me too - the fact that she was confident she could actually make him feel guilty about being forced to kiss someone. Even if you take out the fact that she literally planned for it to happen, it's awful to have someone blame themselves because they were forced into a situation like that.

If DD is unsuccessful I think I might have to try and track down this boy's parents somehow. I couldn't sit right with myself knowing that I knew this was going to happen, especially if something really awful came out of it.

OP posts:
crunchymint · 02/07/2018 15:31

No crying rape is not typical teenage behaviour. Being raped is sadly a not uncommon experience for teenage girls. Who often are not believed.

Arum51 · 02/07/2018 15:32

Your DD needs to play the friend at her own game. Make it clear to her friend, in no uncertain terms, that if she goes ahead with her abusive plan, she's going to tell everyone the truth, including the boy. She'll blast it all over sm, and let the chips fall where they may. That should put a stop to it.

PorkyPortia · 02/07/2018 15:33

Would your DD tell the boyfriend what she is planning ? The other girl doesn’t sound much of a friend or a nice person to be around
Some lovely boy , who has been brought up be be nice is going to be very hurt

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/07/2018 15:34

So the friend is organizing for another of her friends to sexually harrass the boy so she can then gaslight him about it and use it to justify keeping him in a holding pattern while she does what she wants in the summer then, possibly, if she feels like it, get back with him in the new school year?

That is vile behaviour, especially if she knows he has poor boundaries and is deliberately exploiting that. Glad your daughter is not prepared to condone it. Hope she has other, nicer friends too and if not, I would be encouraging her to find some.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:35

No crying rape is not typical teenage behaviour. Being raped is sadly a not uncommon experience for teenage girls. Who often are not believed.

I meant what the friend is doing with planning for him to "cheat" and then dump him for it.

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crunchymint · 02/07/2018 15:36

Yes drama in relationships is typical teenage behaviour.
And sadly many teenagers get dumped online.