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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is despicable and possibly emotional abuse?

100 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 14:48

DD was arguing with a friend on the phone, normally I'd leave it but she seemed to be trying to persuade her friend not to do something. She also used fairly strong language, calling her friend "an emotional abuser" and "evil."

DH and I asked what it was about, and apparently this friend is orchestrating for one of her friends to kiss her current boyfriend. She can then accuse him of cheating and leave him instead of breaking up with him honestly with an actual reason (which is, according to DD, that she wants to be single over summer.) If she wants a steady boyfriend again, she can "forgive" him after summer is over!

DD says that her friend mentioned that he's very loyal/respectful so will probably try to pull away, so told the friend that's apparently helping with this plan to literally force him if he tries to move away! Shock She also apparently said that he has mental health issues and low self esteem and will happily blame himself and accept that he was "cheating" when she accuses him of doing so.

I think this is absolutely awful. DH says it's not nice but I'm overreacting. According to DD this is a fairly common thing. This is more out of interest, but, do you think I'm BU? I just think it's despicable.

They're 16, the boy is 15, if that changes opinions at all.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 02/07/2018 18:26

Oh.... You mean she as in Dds friend. My apologies.

Racecardriver · 02/07/2018 18:26

Yes completely misread.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 18:27

No problem Grin Happens to everyone.

My friend texted me the number and assured me that she is lovely so I'm going to give her a call and see how it goes. Hopefully the poor boy isn't too heartbroken x

OP posts:
YummySushi · 02/07/2018 18:39

Please intervene.. if that boy was your son would you want someone to intervene or not ?

YummySushi · 02/07/2018 18:45

Just read everything and well done for intervening . Hope all goes well.

SugarIsAmazing · 02/07/2018 18:53

You could keep your DD out of it by pretending that you needed to go through her phone, because you are her parent and because that means you can.
Then your daughter can say " I can't believe my mum went through my phone, what a bitch" and won't lose face to her friends.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 19:26

I phoned the boys mother. She was very nice but absolutely fuming once I had explained!

It turned out that she wasn't DD's friend's greatest fan anyway and had had her reservations, but her son had promised it was fine etc. She thanked me very much for telling her and said how grateful she was to my DD (I told her my DD had told me, but didn't tell her name, she was very understanding.)

Unfortunately the poor boy wouldn't believe it and said it was a prank Sad He messaged the girl who said that it was probably from a particular girl in the friendship group who had said she didn't like the idea, because she was in love with him! Shock

The mother rang me up again asking what was going on, obviously very distressed. Eventually I sent her some screenshots from the group chat to prove that this girl was lying.

Mother had texted me to say he's very upset and gone to his bedroom, she's going to talk to him now, but thanked me and DD again for bringing it all to light.

Feel awful for him but at least he'll never be interested in the nasty girl again Sad

OP posts:
Arum51 · 02/07/2018 19:36

Poor lad. You did the right thing. Hope there are no repercussions for any of the girls who wanted to stop this!

MrMeSeeks · 02/07/2018 19:55

Poor boy.
You’ve done the right thing op.
Prepare your dd as i’m sure this
‘Friend’ will now turn on her and play the victim ( and somehow turn it back on your dd).
Your dd is brave and a wonderful person.

Slightlyjaded · 02/07/2018 20:25

Well done OP. That poor boy will be feeling humiliated right now, but hopefully one day he will be glad someone put him straight.

I do think that there is a real possibility that the friend will turn on DD calling her a snitch etc, in order to deflect from her own nastiness. I guess you just have to be there for her if that happens.

Your DD has behaved admirably so please tell her that the whole of this thread is applauding her and she should be proud of standing up for kindness.

Mrsharrison · 02/07/2018 20:34

That's so sad. I'm glad you did it though.

IceBearRocks · 02/07/2018 20:38

Well done roses

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 20:50

Thank you for all the kind messages.

I doubt the girl will know it was DD specifically but I daresay she'll turn on the whole group.

However, the mum sounded furious and I think she might have her parents' numbers, so once she's sorted out her own boy I hope she gives the girls' mum a call and lets her know what a vile thing she was planning to do.

Hopefully the mum lets me know how the poor thing is getting on, it must have been heartbreaking.

OP posts:
niccyb · 02/07/2018 20:52

That poor lad! I agree with you. It’s disturbing and they obviously have no idea on what impact mentally it may have on that boy.
This Girl is big big trouble.
Well done to your daughter by recognising and not condoning this behaviour. I would encourage her to speak up more about it and get her ‘friend’ to do the right thing and end the relationship properly

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 21:14

Unfortunately looks like the girl was a nasty piece of work, niccy. I couldn't believe she lied again after she was caught out!

But the boy should be okay, that's the most important thing.

OP posts:
FuckPants · 02/07/2018 21:19

You've done the right thing, the girl sounds nasty.

YummySushi · 02/07/2018 21:24

This sort of manipulation is abusive ... you have just rescued a boy from abuse .

This is as great as rescuing a woman from domestic violence. Emotional abuse is equally damaging .

Well done Op.

YummySushi · 02/07/2018 21:25

If a girl who was 15 was being hit by a boy who is 16, and he is her boyfriend, no one will say they’re teenagers they’ll figure it out.

So age is never a justification to not help someone vulnerable

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 02/07/2018 21:47

To be honest if I was your DD I'd drop the friend. Who wants vile people like that as friends.

She's 16 not 6 she knows what she's doing just saying they are teens is excusing shitty behaviour.

If I done this at 13 I'd have expected to lose friends and respect of my parents and rightly so.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 02/07/2018 21:48

Oh and if your DD is also warm the boy so at least he doesn't blame himself and dates a nice girl.

Sleepyandtired21 · 02/07/2018 22:05

Well done OP, you did a great thing and I know it wasn’t easy. Hopefully the other girls in the group will realise how abhorrent all this has been but I’m not so sure. Your DD is brave, not easy being 16

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 02/07/2018 22:07

Sorry my phone got stuck on page 1 so didn't see it had moved on - my apologies.

Well done to your DD. Sometimes you have to be the hero when nobody else would.

When my ex was 21 I phoned up his new 15 year old girlfriends parents to let them know what he was like. She was mad but a year later admitted I was entirely right and then once he turned nasty she realised I had her best interests at heart not just a bitter ex. It was mega scary phoning her parents even though I was 18. But I couldn't stand by and watch someone else potentially get hurt.

Any of them who act shitvtovyour DD deserve to be avoided because they are accepting abusive behaviour.

Tomatoesrock · 02/07/2018 22:13

Oh that is awful OP. I am not sure there is anything you can do, it is lovely that your DD was trying to put a stop to it.

If I knew the boys mum I would be tempted to tell her for the sake of his MH issues, I know you do not them. They are teenagers and when I was a teen I remember the boys dumping the girls at the start of the summer, it was not nice but it happened often.

Tomatoesrock · 02/07/2018 22:20

I am delighted you were able to sort it OP.

I am sure you are very proud of your caring DD, I dont envy her teen years can be awful.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/07/2018 06:53

Poor boy - I can see why he wouldn't have wanted to believe it but what a narrow escape he's had from a summer of misery!
I do hope the girl's parents give her a stern talking to but I somehow feel doubtful.
At least he's had the heads up and avoided the gaslighting situation - now he just knows his "girlfriend" was shit.

Well done to you and your DD. Thanks

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