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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is despicable and possibly emotional abuse?

100 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 14:48

DD was arguing with a friend on the phone, normally I'd leave it but she seemed to be trying to persuade her friend not to do something. She also used fairly strong language, calling her friend "an emotional abuser" and "evil."

DH and I asked what it was about, and apparently this friend is orchestrating for one of her friends to kiss her current boyfriend. She can then accuse him of cheating and leave him instead of breaking up with him honestly with an actual reason (which is, according to DD, that she wants to be single over summer.) If she wants a steady boyfriend again, she can "forgive" him after summer is over!

DD says that her friend mentioned that he's very loyal/respectful so will probably try to pull away, so told the friend that's apparently helping with this plan to literally force him if he tries to move away! Shock She also apparently said that he has mental health issues and low self esteem and will happily blame himself and accept that he was "cheating" when she accuses him of doing so.

I think this is absolutely awful. DH says it's not nice but I'm overreacting. According to DD this is a fairly common thing. This is more out of interest, but, do you think I'm BU? I just think it's despicable.

They're 16, the boy is 15, if that changes opinions at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 17:03

I just can’t believe that a 15 year old could come up with something as devious & twisted as that!

We sent her to a grammar school hoping all her classmates would be very clever … unfortunately "clever" doesn't mean "a good person" Sad

This girl does have form for behaviour we disapproved of, but nothing big like this.

Roses, I don’t know you or your daughter, but I’d just like to say I think she’s great. It’s not always easy ‘doing the right thing’, but god bless her. Poor lad, I hope he finds out what a nasty little cow his girlfriend is before she breaks his heart.

DD is trying to find out his school through Instagram. Hopefully I'll be able to track his parents down through that, I think I'd rather talk it out with his dad or mum than have the poor boy find out on his own from a teacher.

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Mk1234 · 02/07/2018 17:03

Imagine if that boy was your son...would you want him to go through that.

PinguDance · 02/07/2018 17:07

Might be difficult to contact the boy - could you not speak to your DDs friend or her parents? It’s always going to be mega awkward if parents get involved in a like this but if you’re going to you may as well go to the source.

Agree it sounds horrible.

Slightlyjaded · 02/07/2018 17:08

Also. By you getting involved, it demonstrates how potentially 'serious' her actions could be. She probably hasn't thought beyond how the scenario would suit her needs. Adult intervention might be a wake-up that opens her eyes to the implications of what she thought was trivial behaviour.

TulipTilers · 02/07/2018 17:08

When I was in Year 4, I invited my "boyfriend" into the unisex toilet cubicles for a kiss, then went back to class and told the teacher he followed me and tried to kiss me. Hmm
No fucking idea where an 8 year old gets that from!

It's clearly not a nice thing to do, but there's nothing you can do tbh. Not unless you want to find out who this boy is and let his mum know.

CaMePlaitPas · 02/07/2018 17:14

I think you need to stay out of teenage business.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 17:17

I think you need to stay out of teenage business.

That was what my DH originally said but I couldn't forgive myself if this had the sort of consequences these things often do …

could you not speak to your DDs friend or her parents?

I think ringing up the girl's parents would be a bit much and talking to her personally would be awkward, but if necessary I will. I daresay if I manage to contact the boys parents they'll want a word with DD's friends and her parents themselves!

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PinguDance · 02/07/2018 17:24

I think ringing the boys parents might be a bit wierd tbh. What if they don’t know he has a gf? What if they’re awful? At least with the friend you know a bit about the family (I suppose). I just have no idea how you’d open a conversation with the boy or his parents!

MrMeSeeks · 02/07/2018 17:24

I think you need to stay out of teenage business
So if the lad ends up hurting himself or more serious lasting m/h is that ok?
If it were your son, would you accept a parent going “oh well, it was just teenage stuff”

My god Hmm

PinguDance · 02/07/2018 17:27

Also even with the best intentions a conversation that starts ‘hi, you don’t know me but my daughter kind of stalked your son on Instagram to find out what school he went to then I somehow located your name and number as a result’ has the potential to be badly received.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 17:40

Oh dear - I can kind of see where you're coming from, though I'd hopefully word it better than that Grin

I was planning on opening with something like "hi, I've heard something worrying from my DD and thought I'd give you a call to let you know what's going on."

Would that be badly received? I don't think it's nice for the poor boy to hear it from school, and I think if it was me I'd just be relieved someone had told me before my son went through with it!

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BachAtTheMoon · 02/07/2018 17:47

If this was happening to my son I wouldn't care how the other parent had found me, I'd just be grateful for the heads up!

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 17:53

That's what I thought as well, BachAtTheMoon, and I would try and word it less creepily...

I suppose his parents being horrible is a possibility, but from what DD told me her friend was always mocking him for being a "mummy's boy" and having a close relationship with her.

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Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 18:00

DD has found out which school the boy goes to, it's a local one and I'm sure I could get a parents' number off of friends that have children in his year.

Would this be creepy to do?

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/07/2018 18:05

It's not creepy because your intentions aren't creepy.
You don't have to explain to the boy's parents how you got their number, because it could have come via your DD and her friend.
If you have contacts at the boy's school (parents of other kids there, I mean) then maybe they know the parents of this boy? Could they give you more of an idea of what they're like?

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 18:08

They're sending really nasty text messages about him on the group chat Sad From what I've gathered from that, his mother is very lovely and invested in her child.

I've got a good friend with a child in his year that I'm sure I could text while trusting her not to spread anything. She would also probably tell me a bit about the mum if I asked.

I'm going to text her and ask for the mum's number.

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Sleepyandtired21 · 02/07/2018 18:10

You’re doing the right thing - sometimes these spiteful little bitches need a taste of their own medicine (I do NOTmiss being a teenager) but exposing them as what they are will really shake them and hopefully teach them boys aren’t playthings! You and your daughter are doing a great job trying to help him, kudos to both of you.

Racecardriver · 02/07/2018 18:11

Well given that your daughter isn't actually being very nice here either I don't see what right she has to be so shocked over what her friend has plotted.

Bramble71 · 02/07/2018 18:13

It concerns me if this boy has a low self esteem and other mental health issues. Would your daughter be prepared to tell this boy what his so-called girlfriend is up to? If I were in her position, I bloody would.

MrsMWA · 02/07/2018 18:16

They’ve been watching too much Love Island.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 18:19

They’ve been watching too much Love Island.

Grin

We do watch Love Island with DD (and DS!) but do so with commentary from DH and I. We don't let them just absorb it as normal behaviour (though I think by teen years, most of them know it's not normal anyway.)

@Racecardriver, what has my DD done?

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PinguDance · 02/07/2018 18:20

I guess if there’s a common friend it would seem less wierd to contact the boy’s parents. Sounds like your dds friend is a piece of work! I hope she gets the message loud and clear that this is a vile thing to do. Poor boy. I definitely think you should say something to someone!

Racecardriver · 02/07/2018 18:21

She's agreed to be his girlfriend but then decided to dump him so that she can be 'single' over the summer but is happy to take him back when she is done with her summer of hookups. You said yourself that he has low self esteem. She has demonstrated complete contempt for her promises, his feelings and indeed him. How would you feel is a man treated you DD like this some day?

PinguDance · 02/07/2018 18:23

Err @racecardriver... read the op again

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 18:23

She's agreed to be his girlfriend but then decided to dump him so that she can be 'single' over the summer but is happy to take him back when she is done with her summer of hookups. You said yourself that he has low self esteem. She has demonstrated complete contempt for her promises, his feelings and indeed him. How would you feel is a man treated you DD like this some day?

I'd be fuming if someone treated my DD like that.

But my DD didn't do this, her friend did Confused You've misread perhaps?

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