Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is despicable and possibly emotional abuse?

100 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 14:48

DD was arguing with a friend on the phone, normally I'd leave it but she seemed to be trying to persuade her friend not to do something. She also used fairly strong language, calling her friend "an emotional abuser" and "evil."

DH and I asked what it was about, and apparently this friend is orchestrating for one of her friends to kiss her current boyfriend. She can then accuse him of cheating and leave him instead of breaking up with him honestly with an actual reason (which is, according to DD, that she wants to be single over summer.) If she wants a steady boyfriend again, she can "forgive" him after summer is over!

DD says that her friend mentioned that he's very loyal/respectful so will probably try to pull away, so told the friend that's apparently helping with this plan to literally force him if he tries to move away! Shock She also apparently said that he has mental health issues and low self esteem and will happily blame himself and accept that he was "cheating" when she accuses him of doing so.

I think this is absolutely awful. DH says it's not nice but I'm overreacting. According to DD this is a fairly common thing. This is more out of interest, but, do you think I'm BU? I just think it's despicable.

They're 16, the boy is 15, if that changes opinions at all.

OP posts:
AQuickWeeNameChange · 02/07/2018 15:37

I would try to call his mother. The poor boy. If she doesn't go ahead with this, she'll come up with something else.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:37

Some lovely boy , who has been brought up be be nice is going to be very hurt

I know. I couldn't help but think of DS (he's only a year younger than this boy). I know I'd be absolutely raging if anything similar happened to him.

Hope she has other, nicer friends too and if not, I would be encouraging her to find some.

They're a pretty wide circle of friends, but I'm not sure how many are nice Hmm It seems they've split in half on a group chat, some agreeing with my DD and others backing the friend.

OP posts:
Mrsharrison · 02/07/2018 15:37

Your DD needs to play the friend at her own game. Make it clear to her friend, in no uncertain terms, that if she goes ahead with her abusive plan, she's going to tell everyone the truth, including the boy. She'll blast it all over sm, and let the chips fall where they may. That should put a stop to it.

Totally agree.

Also, op, look at how this awful girl treats people she cares about.

What will she do to your dd if she decides she no longer wants to be friends with her?

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:39

So the friend is organizing for another of her friends to sexually harrass the boy so she can then gaslight him about it and use it to justify keeping him in a holding pattern while she does what she wants in the summer then, possibly, if she feels like it, get back with him in the new school year?

Yes, essentially Sad
I might ask DD the boy's name so I can have a think on how to contact him. My DH thinks I shouldn't get involved because it could be embarrassing for DD but I think she's already made her opinion on the matter abundantly clear!

@crunchymint, is this really 'relationship drama'?

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:45

Your DD needs to play the friend at her own game. Make it clear to her friend, in no uncertain terms, that if she goes ahead with her abusive plan, she's going to tell everyone the truth, including the boy. She'll blast it all over sm, and let the chips fall where they may. That should put a stop to it.

Oooh, that's a good plan - but lots of potential fallout for my DD though Sad I don't want to pressure her into doing that and I know DH will be fuming if I suggest it to her.

I think I'll let DD try while I try and track down this boy's mother; that way, if she isn't able to convince her, I can put a stop to it.

OP posts:
upsideup · 02/07/2018 15:51

I would tell the boy or be making my dd tell him to let him dump her first.
No way would I let my dd continue the friendship with this girl either

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 16:00

No way would I let my dd continue the friendship with this girl either

I think DD is seriously re-evaluating with or without my input. As for telling the boy, I've got his name but I don't know it or who he is. It's a pretty commonplace name too.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/07/2018 16:16

Dear lord, I'm sad for this boy!
It sounds as though he's going to be very hurt and guilty through no fault of his own - as he's going to be hurt anyway, I think this appallingly behaved girl should just dump him in the normal way, without creating all this unnecessary drama and let him find someone nice who appreciates him and doesn't feel the need to bin him off so she can play the field over the summer!

If anyone did this to either of my 2 boys, I'd be enraged. (They're too young yet)

redrobin1000 · 02/07/2018 16:18

In light of the mental health issues, I'd contact the school and give whoever is in charge of pastoral support a heads up. Hopefully they'd both be called in and the truth would be told. Possibly the end of the friendship for your DD but no loss and a great learning experience about when to get appropriate help.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 16:19

The friend has bailed out of forcing him to kiss her and left the group chat, but I'm pretty sure this girl will find a new friend or a new plan.

DD says they think a girl who looks similar to the friend would be "more effective" so none of the girls backing her are suitable Hmm

I still have absolutely no idea who this boy is but am going to try and track him or his parents down Grin and this buys us some time.

I'll keep DD's name out of it.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/07/2018 16:21

Does your DD know the boy? Could she maybe drop him a hint of what is planned?
I realise that would make her very disloyal to her friend, but FFS, what her friend is planning is awful!

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 16:21

I think this appallingly behaved girl should just dump him in the normal way, without creating all this unnecessary drama and let him find someone nice who appreciates him and doesn't feel the need to bin him off so she can play the field over the summer!

That's what DD was originally saying; "why can't you just say you don't want to go out with him anymore"?

But the friend wants him "easily accessible" Hmm and thinks the breakup being "her fault" will impact that.

In light of the mental health issues, I'd contact the school and give whoever is in charge of pastoral support a heads up.

Oh, good idea - I'll see if I can find out his school.

I daresay it will be easier than his parents!

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 16:22

Does your DD know the boy? Could she maybe drop him a hint of what is planned?

Unfortunately not. They've never met and he goes to a different school, so DD can't contact him. She says she might try and find him on Instagram or something similar.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/07/2018 16:24

I have to say (Sorry, getting over-invested here) that the thing that would burn me, and also DS1 because he's similar, is the sheer injustice of the accusation of cheating when I'd actually done nothing wrong myself. I know I'm putting myself into this boy's potential position but it would break me if everyone thought I'd done something like that when I hadn't - it's cruel to put someone through that.

I still don't see why the silly girl can't just call it quits without all this devious Machiavellian scheming!

MrMeSeeks · 02/07/2018 16:24

This is disgusting.
Its easy to say theyre just teenagers, but the lad already has m/h problems, this can have an effect on someone! A lasting one.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/07/2018 16:25

Oops, x-posted. I don't know, I think if someone could believe I'd done something wrong and refuse to listen to me, I don't think I'd be interested in seeing them again - I could never trust them.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 16:28

the sheer injustice of the accusation of cheating when I'd actually done nothing wrong myself. I know I'm putting myself into this boy's potential position but it would break me if everyone thought I'd done something like that when I hadn't - it's cruel to put someone through that.

I think lots of people would be infuriated, but I think the fact that this girl is confident she can get him back after Summer, as well as mentioning his MH issues and self esteem, suggests that she believes she can warp his thinking so that he believes he is at fault. That he should have somehow done more to avoid it, and then he'd still have her as his girlfriend.

Then, when she "forgives" him, he'll feel genuinely "forgiven" for his crime.

I think this above everything is what has driven me to try and actively get involved. It's such a disgusting and twisted thing to do to someone, especially if they're already struggling.

OP posts:
RafikiIsTheBest · 02/07/2018 16:29

I would be cautious about letting (never mind making) DD get more involved. She is outraged and confident enough to make a stand on group chat, and to her friend directly but to do more could backfire on her.
In an ideal world, she would be able to tell the boy, his parents, school, whoever so that this poor lad is saved the hurt above and beyond his gf being a bitch, but depending on the 'friends' her getting more involved could result in loss of many friends, being excluded, being verbally/internet/physically bullied, being assaulted etc.

OP's DD is dealing with it as best she can, and it seems likely that she will distance herself from these people, but if these are school friends and she will be with them for the next 2 years then it isn't that simple. Can you imagine outing your work colleagues on social media then having to work with them for 2 years, whilst you complete a massive project that has a big impact on the rest of your life? I wouldn't want to put myself in that situation.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 16:34

Thanks for your post, @RafikilsTheBest. I am very cautious of involving DD in this so I'm going to keep her name out of it and do the actual contact myself.

She's going through a tough time lately and even if she wasn't I wouldn't want her becoming a target for this girl.

OP posts:
DeputyBrennan · 02/07/2018 16:36

Whether or not this is 'typical' teenage drama, I'd find it difficult to know that this plan is in the works and NOT try and stop it.

There is no way of knowing the impact it could have on the boy, with or without the mental health issues he has.

So no, YANBU.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 16:42

I've told DD that even if she finds out who the boy is, she shouldn't message him about it and to leave it to me which has at least shut DH up

I'll see if I can find his parents, preferably, so I can talk to his dad/mum about it. If not I'll call up his school if I can find that.

I definitely think I'd feel awful if I didn't do anything.

OP posts:
Pandora79 · 02/07/2018 16:45

Th is could end with him hurting himself.

It's not ok. It is abuse and if she gets away with it, she will grow up thinking treating people like this is ok.

AlexDrake1981 · 02/07/2018 16:56

I just can’t believe that a 15 year old could come up with something as devious & twisted as that!

Roses, I don’t know you or your daughter, but I’d just like to say I think she’s great. It’s not always easy ‘doing the right thing’, but god bless her. Poor lad, I hope he finds out what a nasty little cow his girlfriend is before she breaks his heart.

Slightlyjaded · 02/07/2018 16:57

OP, in your shoes, I would do the following.

Assuming you don't know the 'friend' well enough to have a word yourself...

Tell your DD to inform her friend that you overheard and have got the measure of her 'plan'. Tell your DD to advise her friend that you are absolutely not going to stand by and let her destroy this boys confidence when he is already vulnerable. Your DD can say that you are being 'interfering' and 'ridiculous' if required - this will take the onus of your DD, but it will also mean that the friend is aware that an adult is familiar with the plan and will potentially tell the boy that it was a set up, should it go ahead.

The only thing that doesn't do is allow for the headfuck to the boy if he DOES find out what his 'gf' planned.

Hopefully, though, this will stop her in her tracks, and she can be persuaded to tell her boyfriend that she needs a break from the relationship but he has done nothing wrong.

Cow.

Slightlyjaded · 02/07/2018 17:02

I have had to do this before for a different situation. My DD knew something was wrong but couldn't make it stop. She told me what was so I took on the role of being 'interfering' and threatening to report. I gave DD my full consent to tell people that I was being 'annoying' and sticking my nose in, so that she didn't get blamed. She passed on things like 'Oh god my mum is furious and she said she will phone the head and the parents if this doesn't stop' etc.

And somehow, an adult knowing what was going on, was enough to make it stop.

Swipe left for the next trending thread