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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-wife being very unreasonable????

85 replies

Alijay01 · 02/07/2018 10:38

Very long story but I have 2 step children (boy 15 and girl 18) from my husbands first marriage and a very difficult ex wife, kids lovely i hasten to add. we moved closer to the kids to get more access and both of them wanted to stay with us for a week and. then their mum for a week, ex wife VERY unhappy about this but we started this routine at the beginning of the year "for a 2 month trial period" (her doing!!) at the end of Feb she stopped it because it wasn't working - Boy forgot his school shoes ONE time (not a prob as we just bought him another pair to keep with us ) However in the midst of all this we bought tickets to see Queen tonight at the O2 for all four of us as had the week on week off system carried on this would be our week, Girl 18 at work so not a problem, Boy 15 finished all his mock exams last week and not doing a lot until the end of term now.
We asked if we could take the kids tonight and she has said no absolutely not as it is a school night, it is but not a lot going on and 15 year old would still be getting 8 hours sleep! She has guilt tripped girl into not going as boy is not allowed to !!!
Hubby and I have now sold the tickets for more than we paid for them and got ourselves into a premier lounge into the bargain so actually a slightly better night out for us, not the point though
Am I wrong for being absolutely fuming with her because the only 2 people who lose out here are the 2 kids who were so excited about tonight!! Why would you do that to your own children ????

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/07/2018 10:46

Why was she unhappy about the alternate weeks? What school year is your DSS in as the comment about mock exams is puzzling.
Overall, I would have let my DC go but I wonder if there is more to this? She seems unhappy about arrangements for some reason.

Original poster
Alijay01 · 02/07/2018 10:52

hi step son is in year 10 I think - he has just finished all his mock exams, my point was that a late night out tonight would not be disrupting his school work in any way as they are only have a couple of weeks left to the end of term and actually tomorrow have a charity dress down day to help with whatever charity is coming into the school.
She was unhappy with the alternate weeks because it meant the kids got to stay with us for longer she felt that it was a betrayal, she is one of those ex wives who spend a lot of time trying to stop the husband seeing the children even tough he over pays on the maintenance
and spends all his time trying to see as much of the kids as possible

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/07/2018 10:54

they are old enough to vote with their feet.

Why don't they?

Notthatwomanagain · 02/07/2018 10:56

What do you gain by bitching on here about an ex wife (not your ex wife).
Here are obviously two sides to this story

I would hate to have my kids away for r a whole week every other week, maybe the ex is on her own and misses them and it’s nothing more sinister than that.
You sound like you smugly wish to bulldoze throw by your own plans then get to kick her when she disagreees

Be kind hey.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 02/07/2018 11:00

Imo unless the exw had fantastic super amazing plans herself with the dc she is a selfish bitch to have stopped them going.
Fact??

TaleasoldasTimee · 02/07/2018 11:01

You're a step mother so according to MN you're automatically evil and BU.

YANBU. The kids are old enough to make their own decisions about access.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/07/2018 11:03

Mock exams are not usually until Yr11 that is what puzzled me - minor point.

I would make an offer to the DC to book something else on one of your nights. Don't get caught up in a power struggle, if that is what this is.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/07/2018 11:06

Notthatwoman you say I would hate to have my kids away for a whole week every other week, maybe the ex is on her own and misses them and it’s nothing more sinister than that.

I expect the DF feels the same. Why does the DM have more rights to the DC than their DF?

If she's not careful the DC will just move in with their DF. My DSD didn't move in with us but she saw a hell of a lot more of us once she was old enough to tell her manipulative DM to butt out.

HateIsNotGood · 02/07/2018 11:07

The thing is that schools are very hot on attendance even if they aren't "doing very much". Any day or morning that they have affects a student's attendance record.

Also, 1 week in 1 house then 1 week in another house can be pretty disruptive to routines - it might work for your household but I would find it pretty disruptive to my household particularly if I had been been the resident parent for years and organized my life around that.

fuzzywuzzy · 02/07/2018 11:15

My dd is in year 10, she has to attend school as normal and has on going lessons, if she misses anything it will be essential stuff that might come up in gcse’s next year. Also school will fine me if she decides not to show up.
I definitely would not be allowing her to go to a concert on a school night.

At 15 and 18 the DSC can make their own minds up and the mother won’t be able to stop them if they want to live with their father.

Maybe the DSC didn’t find living in one place one week and another the next as easy as they first thought.

Harpingon · 02/07/2018 11:17

How far away did you live before? And for how long? Did you discuss your plans with the mum about access before the move? Did your new access plan mean that maintenance was stopped or significantly reduced? Trying to get a bigger picture.

BlueBug45 · 02/07/2018 11:20

OP the most important question here is what do the kids want?

The older child is legally an adult and she can choose to live where she likes, while the younger child has to have his views taken into strong consideration.

It is up to your partner, not you, and his exW to find out what their kids want. This needs to be done with care so that the kids aren't emotionally blackmailed by either parent and can't emotionally black mail all the adults involved.

Whipsmart · 02/07/2018 11:26

If the 15 yr old would still get 8 hours sleep then what they do on a school night is irrelevent, whether its a concert or reading a book!

WaggyMama · 02/07/2018 11:28

My DD is in Year 10 and the school use this period to do school trips, sports events etc.

I think the kids are old enough to decide to stay with you

musicposy · 02/07/2018 11:32

18 year olds pretty much come and go as they please (I have one and I don't know a single one of my DCs friends who would accept the mother telling them they can't see the father that night/ week etc). I know a few make the mother a convenient excuse, however, especially if they have other things on with friends.
I suspect there might be more going on behind the scenes than you're aware of.

longwayoff · 02/07/2018 11:35

Bit extreme taking the kids to see Queen. It may not be all vicious ex wife's doing maybe they didnt fancy going to a pensioners concert.

Maelstrop · 02/07/2018 11:38

Yes, thy can vote with their feet, but it's tricky for the kids to go against mum in this way, she could make life difficult for them or guilt trip them etc.

BounceAndClimb · 02/07/2018 11:47

On the face of it she looks unreasonable refusing 1 week each if the children both want that, but at that age if they both want it surely they're old enough to just decide themselves, especially the 18 year old.

The other side of it could be that the mum isn't happy about the differences in parenting, I wouldn't want my child going to a concert on a school night. I also wouldn't agree with showing the attitude that schools not that important because of being past mock exams.
I wonder if she felt there was a negative influence due to differences of parenting, which doesn't mean shes in the right refusing the alternate weeks but may explain why she feels its not best for them.

GorgonLondon · 02/07/2018 11:50

Why did the marriage end op?

Original poster
Alijay01 · 02/07/2018 11:50

she is not on her own, she has a partner and is out most nights of the week with him, the kids will be home alone tonight and if me moaning about this makes me smug. I am happy to be so ....
Queen might be pensioners but I don't think Adam Lambert is drawing his pension yet
Step son would not have missed so much as a minute of school,
The kids want the alternate weeks as they think this is fair, they don't vote with their feet because she guilt trips them

OP posts:
dancinfeet · 02/07/2018 11:56

It's nice that you wanted the kids to come with you, but I would be annoyed if my EX H decided to book something that meant my younger DD had to have time off school. He isn't the resident parent, so it's me that would be dealing with the hassle of requesting time off school, having to nag DD to find out what work she had missed whilst absent, and to catch up on any missed homework. At my DDs school, if they have finished their subject topics for year 10 in a subject they are making a head start on the Yr 11 work, so the last few weeks of term are not a waste. My DD has started some of her GCSE work in her core subjects (just coming to the end of Yr 9) so these last few weeks of term are important.

TaleasoldasTimee · 02/07/2018 11:57

Where has OP said that DS would be missing any school??

Pikachuneedshelp · 02/07/2018 12:01

Why did the marriage end op?

WTF has this got to do with taking two teenagers to a Queen concert?

BrendasUmbrella · 02/07/2018 12:13

Are you sure the 18 year old was happy with the arrangement? Maybe the ex is being the bad guy because the teens don't want to upset their DF? 15 and 18 is rather late to begin a 50/50 arrangement unless the kids were pushing for it.

BrendasUmbrella · 02/07/2018 12:14

Oh, I missed your last post. The children asked for alternate weeks?

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