To not have realised that this is what I signed up for?

[BogstandardBelle]

Between DH and I we have a lot of friends and family where one is becoming the carer for the other. eg.

DMIL has recently been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and osteoporosis. DFIL now has to do everything physical for her, and it’s not going to get Easier. She can no longer cook, wash herself, she can barely get up out of her chair. Mentally, she’s okay but physically she is severely restricted.

My uncle, who’s 76, has viral encephalitis and is goingto be left with major brain damage and personality changes as a result. My aunt is expected to bring him home and care for him - he’s not even himself anymore. The person she loved and married and lived with for 45+ years is essentially gone. Yet his body still needs fed, watered, kept clean and clothed.

My boss at work, late 60s, her husband has just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and frontal lobe degeneration, so basically dementia. He’s still functioning, but it’s only a matter of time before he requires a lot more care.

I know it says in the marriage vows «in sickness and in health». Is this what it means? To end up being a carer? Dealing with toileting and feeding and aggression and... everything? I don’t know if I can do this.

That's exactly what the in sickness and in health part means. It is incredibly difficult and you may think you couldn't manage but you'd be surprised what you find you can do when forced into that situation. If you truly love your OH you will want to take care of them through anything no matter how daunting it may feel.

Yep it's exactly what it means and it's utterly shit. I'm now my DM's carer and it's utterly. utterly awful and sole destroying.

I became a carer for my husband. He had a brain tumour and needed a lot of supervision and in the last couple of weeks needed a care package too.
You do it because you love them. But it is hard and you do resent it. There's an excellent book called "the selfish pigs guide to caring" written by a man who looked after his wife with dementia. He says all the things you think but don't want to say out loud.

Yes, that's what "in sickness and in health" means, unfortunately.

That is what in sickness and in health means I'm afraid. Some people are tested very early on, too, it's not just an age thing. Also, chances are you'll have an older, ill or infirm parent at some point, requiring help. It's not just partners.

Anyway, you might not be the carer, you might be the one being cared for. Or maybe neither of you will need care.

Hi there OP. It is scary, but definitely a possibility. In fact, caring for DP/DW/DH is not necessarily the first time these efforts are called for - if you have a look at the Elderly Parents board you'll see there's plenty that people are trying to cope with before their own generation becomes an issue.

I find (and I say this as the sole surviving child of my DM who is divorced from my DF and has Alzheimer's/posterior cortical atrophy) it is best to try and focus on what is good in life and tackle the bad as and when it comes.

It's a scary thought OP. Whilst I would never choose to have to do it, I know I would prefer to do it myself. I wouldn't trust anyone else could care for her as well as I could.

This worries me a lot. Not about my partner, but my parents. I've watched both of my parents and their siblings struggle to care for their elderly parents between them, and they're both sibling groups of 5.
I'm an only child, and the thought of doing it alone terrifies me. My pension arrangements mean I have to work full time until I'm nearly 70. This would make my parents 90ish when I retire!
I love my mum but she's a difficult woman, and I think our relationship would be destroyed if one of us had to be the other's carer.
I've often thought of starting a thread on here for advice on how to plan ahead to make this easier.

So, no advice OP, but lots of empathy.

When I got married my dh had broken his leg... I had to say my vows... we did chuckle when I said in sickness and health.... it was hard going just dealing with the broken leg but I showered him and helped him get dressed. He has also done some horrid things for me (had d&v) but we love each other and we said our vows for a reason.

Sometimes it's a struggle, we both have ongoing health issues but support each other and make sure we are kind to ourselves as well to keep the sanity.

Councils will offer respite for carers so that they can have a break and depending on finances you can get carers to help. From experiences within family and friendships you are not alone, there are lots of charities etc out there you can use for support if you do become a carer for your partner/children/parents etc

Or it might not happen and you'll have many happy years together.

While caring duties can happen anytime, there's this section of MN:

[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents]]

I'll try again:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents

I suddenly developed back pain at the beginning of May it worsened to the point I am bed bound. I have been diagnosed with cancer in my bones (a lymphoma). It is treatable and I start chemo this week.

I am 49 and was very fit and active until May. I did weight training 3x a week. My DH is doing everything for me and treating me like a Queen, I literally have no idea what I would do without him. We have been happily married for 22 years. Even my kids are taking turns to empty the bottle I wee in now! Life can suddenly take very unexpected turns.

I have made it absolutely clear that I want to go into a home. Watched my grandma's deterioration with dementia when I was a child, and everybody's struggle to cope. Nope. It was unfair on her, it was unfair on everyone. She was a proud woman, and would have been mortified to know that her husband, kids, grandchildren, friends, neighbours, whoever, had seen her in some of her states. Once everyone finally gave up, thinking she was near the end and recognising that they wouldn't be able to cope with that, she was put into a home. With professional carers, who knew what they were doing, and could maintain emotional distance, Gran got a new lease of life. I remember going to see her in the home, and we could hear her laughing from down the corridor. My mum burst out crying, because she hadn't heard her mum laughing like that for so long. Gran really liked it there. She was often pissed off when we went to see her - she had no idea who any of us were, and we were interrupting her activities! She lived, apparently happily, and certainly with a great deal more dignity, for another 5 years.

So yes, it's a home all the way for me. Hopefully, I'll pick it, while I still know what I want. If not, I'll just have to trust that my kids know me, and will make the right choice.

I know it says in the marriage vows «in sickness and in health». Is this what it means? To end up being a carer?

It's not just a marriage vows thing, though - it's applicable to everyone, married or not.

You might end up caring for a neighbour who has no-one or a friend at the end - there are all sorts of scenarios that come up, unfortunately.

Yes

My parents have had a few friends get carers in for spouses and they are not impressed, as far as my olds are concerned if you can do the care, you do

I'm not married but even if we were I'd tell DP to just get paid help, I wouldn't want him as my carer anyway. Or DC.

You might be the one ending up needing care

"You might end up caring for a neighbour"

Help, yes. Daily "care" - no way!

If any of these things happened to you, OP would you be happy for your partner to dump you in a grim home?

Moveable

Moveablefeast

I was in a similar place last year. Got weaker and weaker and more and more unwell in the autumn of 2016, taken into hospital for weeks in January whilst they tried to work out what was wrong (it was coeliac disease which took me to the brink of multiple organ failure and left me with many problems, including pancreatitis, severe malnutrition, heart problems and nerve damage, some of which I'm now left with for life). I had just turned 50. When I finally came out of hospital I was too weak to even get to the bathroom without DH's help. I needed everything done for me for a long, long time. I was incredibly depressed as I couldn't see how I was going to survive it and ever have any quality of life back.

I'm much better now, though still need more support than I used to. DH and I have been married nearly 25 years and joked a lot that when he promised "in sickness and in health" he didn't realise it meant that much sickness!

It happens, OP. Not to everyone but it could be you needing care. Illmess can strike out of the blue. If you love someone, you do it because of that. But it certainly isn't easy. DH never faltered in his love or care for me but it's still been a very, very tough time.

Enjoy what you have whilst you have it, every single moment. You will deal with adversity if and when it hits. Don't waste this precious life worrying about what you can't change.

I had a health scare about 8 months ago. Dp totally ignored it. Never even asked me if I was ok.

Realising I am very likely to end up dp carer due to his lifestyle choices (morbidly obese, ulcers on both legs & only 49). I have decided to end our 19 year relationship.

I don't love him enough to wash him or wipe his arse.

Honestly what did you really think those words meant?