To not have realised that this is what I signed up for?

[BogstandardBelle]

Between DH and I we have a lot of friends and family where one is becoming the carer for the other. eg.

DMIL has recently been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and osteoporosis. DFIL now has to do everything physical for her, and it’s not going to get Easier. She can no longer cook, wash herself, she can barely get up out of her chair. Mentally, she’s okay but physically she is severely restricted.

My uncle, who’s 76, has viral encephalitis and is goingto be left with major brain damage and personality changes as a result. My aunt is expected to bring him home and care for him - he’s not even himself anymore. The person she loved and married and lived with for 45+ years is essentially gone. Yet his body still needs fed, watered, kept clean and clothed.

My boss at work, late 60s, her husband has just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and frontal lobe degeneration, so basically dementia. He’s still functioning, but it’s only a matter of time before he requires a lot more care.

I know it says in the marriage vows «in sickness and in health». Is this what it means? To end up being a carer? Dealing with toileting and feeding and aggression and... everything? I don’t know if I can do this.

@jacqroberts68 then you got yourself a shit social worker. I'm a social worker. I have NEVER asked a family member to provide care unless they have offered first, even then I've talked to them abut the risk of carer breakdown and sustainability.

I'm amazed at how many people think it's so easy just to get carers or put someone in a home. People fight to get a care package in place just for one visit a day from a carer. Unless someone is really unwell physicallly, families fight for support, and it's not always given.

My father spend £130,000 on his last year of dementia care (day and night) at home and died just as the last of his life savings were exhausted. He had worked from the NHS as a doctor his whole career. I suppose my point here is women of MN always work full time, maximise your earnings always and you might find you are able to buy in care and have a better life.

Most women play a greater role in bringing up their children than the father does, that is a commitment through to their 20's in most cases now, financial if not practical. If we have hit around 50 by the time the children are independent we then have parents of 80 + and it is generally the daughter who is the one to do all the practical care or other support there. Even if your parents don't need personal care they are likely to need taking to appointments etc. You are quite likely to be called on to do child minding for grandchildren as they come along and then maybe a few years of pleasant retirement and bingo you are expected to end your days caring for your partner too.

TakeMe Well I know what you should do... Why on earth would you give up your life to care for someone who won't marry you, and won't even help you to spend social time with him?

This guy sounds like he will wring you dry, and then when he dies he'll leave all his money to animal charities - and those charities have armies of lawyers who will make sure they get every penny.

@Wellthisisunexpected sorry if i'm replying wrong never really replied before. I think I need to be more assertive, we have fallen through the cracks tbh. The house is a wreck, kids help out as best they can and the 2 hours of help I got given 5 years ago was stopped when they demanded full payment as they said I should pay (I'm on benefits) and £50 a week is a lot of money. Don't know if its because they are cash strapped (Northamptonshire council) but the social worker at the time said I get extra money as in some disability to pay for these things myself, any other help I have asked for I'm told as my eldest Daughter is 19 she can do it. Yikes feel like I have hijacked this thread now

My dad had care at home for a good few months before he died . It cost us about £70k but they worked hard all their lives so we paid . If mums money runs out so be it . I've been to the nursing home nearby which is lovely and have confirmed if a patient runs out of money they won't be kicked out . Mum will no doubt have to sell her houses etc but surely that's what you work for so you can look after yourself throughout your life to the end ?

hendricksy 'Mum will no doubt have to sell her houses etc but surely that's what you work for so you can look after yourself throughout your life to the end?

Perhaps you could let my SIL know that!

"Mum will no doubt have to sell her houses etc but surely that's what you work for so you can look after yourself throughout your life to the end ?"

I would think that most do it so that they can leave something to their kids.

My dad thinks that his care is being paid for (& that that is why he paid taxes & NI) & that sibling & I have been able to take "our share" from the house sale.

He'd be gutted if he knew.

@jacqroberts68 sounds like you've had an awful service, which I'm sorry about. I'm a different authority but happy for you to PM me if you want to talk about it in more detail. I'll offer advice where I can.

my grandfather was carer for my grandmother and it broke him when he eventually decided she needed round the clock nursing care in a nursing home. He felt he had broken his marriage vows saying death hadn't parted them and he wasn't looking after her in sickness.

I was getting married at the time this was all going on and we had chats about this. I hope I made him see he was looking after her still but in a different way.

@jacqroroberts68, I am sorry it’s so difficult. I have a chronic illness and have 20 hrs a week care. I am on sickness benefits and now have to pay the £116.00 from my benefits towards the 20 hrs care. Councils vary but as they have had so many cuts many councils are making a lot of people contribute more of their benefits towards the care. Just a few years ago I was only paying £40.00 a week towards it.

to clarify I have to pay £116.00 a week towards the care, it’s a lot.

It is exactly what it means.

@Pinook That's an awful lot of money out of your income. Just wish I'd taken out critical cover it could have saved an awful lot of stress

When I could still have taken out critical care insurance, it did not pay out much and not for that long. The policies were widely regarded as a waste of money.
My DP has a genetic illness and could never have taken out a policy to cover it.

In sickness and in health, that was the oath I made. I meant it, as did he. I have had health issues that would test any marriage, and he has looked after me with real care.
He has run the house (to an even higher standard than mine) done everything for the kids, taken care of all the 'wife work' from organizing and host birthday parties, sending cards or booking trips.
And through all of this, he was caring for me physically (washing my hair, helping me get dressed) and still working to support us all.
Thankfully my health has massively improved, but it has shown me how much he means his vows.
I hope I can do as well as him.

And because of my DPs genetic health issues I know I will probably end up caring for him. I love him.

I didn't know that @crunchymint so sorry your partner is needing care

He doesnt need care at the moment, but will in the future. It is fine.

@jacqroberts68, thanks, yes, it’s a lot. I am bedridden now so my outgoings are lower but a few years ago when I could still get out a bit it would have left me with no spare income.

My illness begin in my twenties before I had time to consider insurance. A skeletal welfare state is the road this govt is taking us down pushing more people to take out private insurance as no longer can one rely on the state providing sufficient cover. We are going down the American route. The poor as always will be the most effected as they will not be able to afford insurance even barely making ends meet. Private insurance will inevitably be more expensive as it’s for profit.

and, as forgot to say above, Crunchymint’s DP case shows if someone is known to have a genetic condition then private insurance will not even allow them to take anything out.

Op, if you so return to the thread, curious to know what you did sign up for?

Hang on a minute.... I got married in a register office and my vows didn't contain the "sickness and health" words, just some stuff about mutual support. We had the opportunity of writing our own vows, which could have been different to that even. Presumably all the new fangled marriages in hotels and other venues have similar words to the general register office ones. So, it will only be those who married in church who "signed up" to that "contract" in any event.

We are all faced with this prospect at the end of our lives - either caring for our partner or being cared for by him/her. The alternative is to spend the end of our lives in a Care Home. They are difficult choices.

If the funds are available, there is always the option to arrange carers, whether live -in or out.

The partner can be responsible for arranging the care, rather than actually doing it.

This is by no means a cheap option, but for those who can afford it, it is certainly very possible to arrange.