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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have realised that this is what I signed up for?

132 replies

BogstandardBelle · 01/07/2018 23:10

Between DH and I we have a lot of friends and family where one is becoming the carer for the other. eg.

DMIL has recently been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and osteoporosis. DFIL now has to do everything physical for her, and it’s not going to get Easier. She can no longer cook, wash herself, she can barely get up out of her chair. Mentally, she’s okay but physically she is severely restricted.

My uncle, who’s 76, has viral encephalitis and is goingto be left with major brain damage and personality changes as a result. My aunt is expected to bring him home and care for him - he’s not even himself anymore. The person she loved and married and lived with for 45+ years is essentially gone. Yet his body still needs fed, watered, kept clean and clothed.

My boss at work, late 60s, her husband has just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and frontal lobe degeneration, so basically dementia. He’s still functioning, but it’s only a matter of time before he requires a lot more care.

I know it says in the marriage vows «in sickness and in health». Is this what it means? To end up being a carer? Dealing with toileting and feeding and aggression and... everything? I don’t know if I can do this.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 02/07/2018 00:36

You might need the care, not your dh!

SarcasticFringehead · 02/07/2018 00:39

I'd rather go to a home too, arum, than be a burden to my husband and children. And if I'm in a really bad state, I hope I can opt for euthanasia.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/07/2018 00:52

Remember that you don't have to. You may want to provide care for a close friend or family member, if you love that person and there isn't anyone else, but you cannot be legally compelled to become anyone's carer. And if it's someone who has always been horrible to you, you can walk away.

CaledonianQueen · 02/07/2018 00:57

My dh is my full time carer, for a year he was solely responsible for my care, thankfully we got a care package and I now have my own female personal careers. They are here during the day, however, dh deals with my care during the evening/ overnight.

We adore each other, I would do the same for him! My dh cares for me with so much love and compassion, he doesn’t pity me and he doesn’t see me differently or treat me differently because of my disability. He sees ME, which amazes me, as I don’t see myself when I look in the mirror! But when I look at myself through my husbands eyes, I see ME and I feel like myself, like a young, attractive woman! He still loves me and finds me attractive/ sexy, the love he shows me is raw, beautiful and at times both overwhelming and enveloping! I feel exactly the same about him! He is my best friend and my soul mate!

I think that illness/ accidents/ sudden disabilities place an enormous strain on any relationship! If there is no love or genuine care in your relationship, then it won’t survive the pressure of becoming carer and cared for. I think people should be honest and end their relationships, rather than staying in a loveless marriage! This saves the ill spouse from heartbreak as their dh/ dw/ dp run for the hills at the sign of serious illness/ disability. I recently read an awful story about a woman who took a stroke just after her baby was born, realising how significant his wife’s care needs would be, he left the baby with his wives parents and left with their two other children. Leaving her elderly parents to look after a newborn as well as supporting their dd through rehab.

It is awful enough losing your independence, without losing your marriage and custody of your children!

Birdsgottafly · 02/07/2018 01:10

"Honestly what did you really think those words meant?"

In all fairness those words were written when life expectancy was 35.

As said, it is a choice. Each if those Couples will be entitled to a level of support and may be rejecting it.

I was a paid Carer and have Cared for members of my family. I don't think that anyone should be made to do it.

It's better not to worry about what might happen.

crunchymint · 02/07/2018 01:10

To those saying they will go into a home, most people need care for years before they are ill enough to go into a home. Residential care is very expensive if you are self funding and you will get no help with it financially until you really need a lot of care.
If you don't have family or friend to care for you, this means a private carer you pay for. And as there is no regulation, finding someone good is very hard.

zzzzz · 02/07/2018 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brigante9 · 02/07/2018 08:08

My mil had to do everything for my fil at the end. He was no lightweight, either and she's a little thing. It was horrible to see.

When I had an accident, my DH looked after me like I was a Queen. He found it very hard going, working full time, visiting the hospital which was over an hour away and coping wiht the animals etc. He worries that I won't be fit enough in retirement so I need to increase my fitness and weight.

I don't know how I'd cope if it was the other way round. I'm an impatient cow. ;(

diddl · 02/07/2018 08:27

No, I don't think that it necessarily means being a carer.

Helping/supporting through ill health yes.

Not divorcing due to illness, but caring all day everyday-not everyone can or should do it.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/07/2018 08:33

What we need is properly-funded state care for those who can't look after themselves. I remember saying to my mum, decades ago, when her mum needed full-time care and went into a home: no one should have to be a fulltime unpaid carer to a family member. Paid staff get time off, after all.

Slartybartfast · 02/07/2018 08:33

It doesnt necessarily happen to all people.
Some self care.
Some dont need care.

Slartybartfast · 02/07/2018 08:35

My Dm doesnt want to be a burden, it feels shameful i imagine. She does need care and always said if she did then to put her out of her misery

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 02/07/2018 08:35

I want to go into a home if I need it. My DH says he’d rather be taken out and shot. Obviously I won’t be able shoot him if/when the time comes but I will look after him.

SoddingUnicorns · 02/07/2018 08:35

My dad is the least affectionate, least emotional man (he’s lovely but just not very good with emotion, he’s more practical) and until a few years ago I’d have said he wouldn’t have a clue where to start with caring.

Then my Mum was diagnosed with cancer, and my Dad became the example of what every carer should be. He humbled me with his ability to just be what my Mum needed and when, and if it ever comes to it with DP or my Dad I’m hopeful I can be half the carer he was to Mum.

It’s scary, and it’s hard going, emotionally and physically. Sometimes care at home from one person isn’t possible, that’s also a factor. But love is what drives us isn’t it? And love for someone who needs us is what makes us care. I did it for Mum (not as much as Dad, he was at the coal face so to speak) and it was an honour to repay her for all the years she cared for me.

But none of us know what’s in front of us OP, don’t worry too much about something that hasn’t happened yet.

Bumbumtaloo · 02/07/2018 08:42

DH is my carer, our life is drastically different to what we expected. I became ill at 32, just after having our second DD. We struggled on with him working but having to take more and more time off to ‘help’ me. Eventually we accepted that he would need to stop working. When I became ill I was a generally fit and healthy mum of 2, one toddler and one newborn. I worked weekend night shifts so that we didn’t have to pay for childcare.

My dad was was 48 and diagnosed with early onset Parkinson’s. It’s tough really tough for his wife - they live in Canada and with my illnesses I cannot offer physical support but I can offer emotional support by the bucket load. Me and my dads wife don’t particularly like each other, we have developed a bond over my dads illnesses, I honestly can’t fault her with the way she is with my dad.

Illnesses/disabilities can happen at any age or any circumstance. I for one will be truely grateful for both my DH and my dads wife for doing everything they do.

Spikeyball · 02/07/2018 08:43

Many people are a carer for someone at some point in their lives. There can come a point when the caring becomes too much and outside support should be available but unfortunately it isn't always available which shouldn't but does happen.

KalindaBlack · 02/07/2018 08:44

I'm a carer to my two children, which is weird because I'm their parent and would care for them anyway, but there you go. I suppose it means I do more than as have higher needs.

Someone said up thread about having time off, that would be lovely, but it doesn't happen and now my health is affected too.

diddl · 02/07/2018 08:44

"when the time comes but I will look after him."

I do think that you should only do that if you want to though.

My ILs have a dread of care homes, refer to them as "those places/places like that".

Well, my dad has just had to go into one-and he is happier than he has been for years.

No cares, worries, responsibilities-he is fed/warm & there is someone available 24/7.

Drummingisfun · 02/07/2018 08:46

A member of my family is caring for their partner who has early dementia. They are only just turned 60, and was certainly not how they expected to spend retirement.
It is to obvious that it's difficult. Partner doesn't currently need physical care but can't be left along long as they don't understand things like gas hob, kettle etc any more. They have gone downhill extremely quickly, it is so sad to see.

Bibesia · 02/07/2018 08:47

Bear in mind that there is a legal entitlement to help with care, albeit limited. Have your DFIL and aunt asked for care assessments under the Care Act 2014?

LakieLady · 02/07/2018 08:50

I want to go into a home if I need it. My DH says he’d rather be taken out and shot.

I'm with your DH. I'm hoping that voluntary euthanasia is legal in the
UK before I get to the point I want it.

I have a stash of strong pain killers, sleeping pills and diazepam squirrrelled away in case it isn't and I need to do it myself. Cheaper than a one-way ticket to Switzerland, and I get to die in my own bed.

Mari50 · 02/07/2018 08:53

Well you have to bear in mind that it might be you who needs the care. What if your husband feels the same way as you....

longwayoff · 02/07/2018 08:53

Understand your feelings bog. Who's going to care for you?

BringMeTea · 02/07/2018 08:57

NickyNora Good for you. Very wise move.
Flowers for all those suffering one way or another. It is an interesting topic OP.

dangermouseisace · 02/07/2018 09:01

It is theoretically what you sign up for, but it supporting each other through sickness and health. That doesn’t mean that you HAVE to be a full time carer. No one is going to force you to do it, and social services would organise care if you were unable or unwilling to do it.

TBH in the couples I’ve seen (through social services) it’s been better for everyone where there has been external help- someone coming in to help with morning and evening routines and personal care for example. It just seems to take the pressure off. I’ve already told my parents that I’ll do all the other stuff but not the personal care!