To not have realised that this is what I signed up for?

[BogstandardBelle]

Between DH and I we have a lot of friends and family where one is becoming the carer for the other. eg.

DMIL has recently been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and osteoporosis. DFIL now has to do everything physical for her, and it’s not going to get Easier. She can no longer cook, wash herself, she can barely get up out of her chair. Mentally, she’s okay but physically she is severely restricted.

My uncle, who’s 76, has viral encephalitis and is goingto be left with major brain damage and personality changes as a result. My aunt is expected to bring him home and care for him - he’s not even himself anymore. The person she loved and married and lived with for 45+ years is essentially gone. Yet his body still needs fed, watered, kept clean and clothed.

My boss at work, late 60s, her husband has just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and frontal lobe degeneration, so basically dementia. He’s still functioning, but it’s only a matter of time before he requires a lot more care.

I know it says in the marriage vows «in sickness and in health». Is this what it means? To end up being a carer? Dealing with toileting and feeding and aggression and... everything? I don’t know if I can do this.

Pinook - I presume (hope) you are getting the higher rate attendance allowance to put towards the payments?

@ExConstance, yes, I get high rate care PIP (about £80 a week). They are not allowed to count PIP mobility component towards the financial assessment.

@ajandjjmum

&It's amazing what you can do when you have to Sandy.*

You might be right there. DM used to be a nurse, so it didn't phase her st all.

People say you find the strength when you have to.

Sorry for not returning sooner - work and children!

I guess I really didn't contemplate this stage of life at all when we first got married. We were both focused on travelling, renovating our first place, jobs and working, eventually having kids. We were and are a team, we've worked hard together to achieve lots of our goals. I honestly can't remember what our vows were, though it was registry office rather than church - so maybe I can get off on a technicality ;-)

It's a new stage of life, and it's not one I have had much familiarity with until now. All my grandparents died quickly or after short illnesses. On DH side, his granny was widowed first (after his grandad died suddenly), then when she eventually couldn't live alone she moved into a home. So it's not something I've seen a lot of. Seeing other people trying to cope with it makes me fear for the future. DH and I have never spoken about it actually, we probably should despite being so focused on the generation above (we are mid to late 40s so hopefully and while to go yet).

Interesting to see the different beliefs about marriage vows though, and whether they can be seen as a contract or not. What about unmarried couples? Are there different expectations because they haven't actually said the words? Are marriage vows a hard and fast contract, to be taken literally?

Thank you all.

DP and I aren’t married and for us the commitment to each other is the same, emotionally if not legally.

He lost his parents young and my Mum died last year so it’s been a conversation we’ve had many times.

Obviously we hope it never comes to it, but if it did, not being married wouldn’t make a difference to us.

Just live your life and don’t over think it

Are marriage vows a hard and fast contract, to be taken literally?
When you get married you obviously enter into a legal contract. You have rights and responsibilities single/cohabiting people don't have.