Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lose my temper because I can't do every single bit of emotional support in my house?

117 replies

Jorah · 01/07/2018 20:39

I've lost my temper and shouted at dd.

Shes repeating another year in the 6th form because she did so badly on As levels. She's changed subjects. I did all the research, we t with her to see colleges and sixth forms, helped her choose new subjects. She's done well this year but STILL isnt working hard.

DH doesn't get involved at all. He listens when I talk to him but never has any practical advice. It's as if he thinks it's all a ridiculous fuss about njthing.

I took dd to a uni open day yesterday she really liked it. She has done one a level this year and reading brween the lines it didn't go well. She has an exam next week for one of her new subjects and just isn't revising.

I can't cope with her. She has no ambition, doesn't seem to get she has to revise, but wants to go to uni.

When we arrived there yesterday she did t even know the name of the course. I arrange everything. If I didn't she'd literally do nothing.

Because she's technically year 13 she seems to have fallen through the cracks at school and has no idea about ucas timelines. I said she needed to email the head of year and she didn't even know who the Head of year was Confused

DH does NOTHING to help her.

I also have a dd taking gcses next year struggling with skin problems and friendship issues and dd3 hates her new secondary school.

I'm just so worn out with it all. I just lost my temper with dd1 as she said she needed to relax - she's done nothing all day apart from ride her horse.

DH has just come down to say that dd1 has disappeared from her room. She's gone out somewhere without telling us (we are very rural)

But he's merrily tidying up in the kitchen, he's just expecting me to deal with it

Apologies this is a complete rant.

I wish I had someone to share the emotional burden with.

OP posts:
Iamthestorm · 01/07/2018 20:47

That sounds incredibly hard. I think in your position I would just stop with the older one and harsh as it sounds...let her fail. Maybe it's the only way she'll learn and if you are doing everything for her now, how will she cope at uni.

The younger ones I would support and encourage as much as I could, but you could probably do with some self care first....put your own mask on first and all that.

Sorry life's rough at the moment. I'm a single parent but I actually think that's easier sometimes than being in an unsupportive relationship.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 20:51

Thank you. I love my dh but the lack of emotional support is so tough.

I said to him earlier that dd3 is really upset about school (she's normally very happy and cheerful and she's really down and sad) and he just says oh well. I got cross with him a d he then sulks, it suddenly becomes all about him and how unfair I am. I actually said tonight STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU and now he's not talking to me.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 01/07/2018 20:55

I agree you need to let the older one sink or swim if she is ever going to take responsibility.

You're right to call DH out on his behavior.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 20:57

Well she's disappeared off somewhere. She's done this before and I got so worried.

I'm trying just to ignore it. Dh keeps coming to ask me whether she's back yet.

A perfect example of him not thinking it's his problem!

OP posts:
Foxyloxy1plus1 · 01/07/2018 20:57

Why does she want to go to university? It doesn’t sound as though she’s committed to a course or subjects leading to a career, so does she just fancy the idea of it and the social life?

I can see how frustrating this must be for you, but by organising it for her, she doesn’t need to think about it herself. It’s very hard, but I agree you should let her fail. It’s the only way she’ll realise that input equals outcome.

As far as the others go, if it’s a new school, the youngest might be taking longer to settle. The end of term is near and thinks may be better in September. Focus on her and the middle one taking GCSEs. I think you might have to accept that your DH isn’t going to be of help. If you can resign yourself to that, it’s possible that some of the frustration will go.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:00

She demands I help her. She has failed, it hasn't helped. She's always blamed me - even when she was in primary she refused to do her reading homework without a huge fuss. When I put my foot down and said well we won't bother with it, she told the teacher she didn't do it as her mum never helped her Confused

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/07/2018 21:01

She's not daft, is she? By disappearing she's getting a lot of attention.

It sounds as though she wants to go to university to have a fun time rather than to do any work. I'd be wary of encouraging that.

I think you should stand right back (and I know how hard that is) and let her sort herself out. Same with her going out tonight - don't go driving round etc. Send her a message asking what time she'll be back, if that's what you'd normally do. Otherwise let her come home in her own time.

It's so hard and your husband isn't helping at all, is he?

BigBairyHollocks · 01/07/2018 21:03

Oh OP I totally feel for you.This time do not engage,hard as it is just sit on the sofa,have a glass of something and be disinterested.You have done everything to help her,if she wants to act like a toddler and take herself out for a tantrum that’s her problem.If your DH is so interested then let him go find her/deal with her yapping when she gets backFlowers

YouTheCat · 01/07/2018 21:04

When my dd didn't do so well on her A levels I left her to sort out her application to college to do a new course. I did not get involved other than offering some advice. She's now learnt that it's up to her to get on with it and she's just finished a degree.

Let your dd grow up and sort herself out. You can't do the work for her and she will never learn to do it herself if you keep stepping in. Concentrate on dd3. See if you can maybe change her school or work out a plan of action before the holidays.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:07

Thanks so much for this, it's really helping. Dh is now tidying crossly a d keeps looking at me on my phone with a glass of wine.

cat I know you are right. To be fair she liked the sound of the course and came away with lots of ideas for her epq. But yes I think she does just want to party. Trouble is, what the hell wi she do if she does t go to uni?! Then shell never leave home!

OP posts:
beeefcake · 01/07/2018 21:08

Give yourself a break worrying about dd1, she presumably is 18 or very nearly 18 and is old enough to make a decision for herself.

If she doesn't count herself she won't get into uni, simple as that, she needs to learn that lesson. Also, remember that at uni she won't have you there to keep encouraging her to study, it will all be on her, so if she can't apply herself at a levels she won't do well at uni anyway.

And try to remember that going to uni isn't the only way to do well in life. Not everyone has to want to go to uni to be considered ambitious or driven. I was rushed and pushed into choosing a degree and ended up dropping out halfway through because it just was not for me and no one had spoken to me about other options. I am now doing really well career wise.

This is probably the attitude your DH has which is why he seems so chilled about it, my advice would be to back off and join him. Treat yourself to a Wine

beeefcake · 01/07/2018 21:09

And in response to your worry about leaving home, for what it's worth I came home from uni at 20, lived at home for a year to sort myself out and then moved out.

BigBairyHollocks · 01/07/2018 21:11

Keep your head firmly in your phone,resist the urge to sort any of it out.DH can huff and stomp about your lack of managing all he wants,just relax.You can do this!

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:13

Thanks beefcake. I don't think dh does have that attitude as he feels aggrieved that she hasn't done well but does fuck all to help! His nephew is doing oxbridge exams which my ILS are rightly very proud of, but dh is quite dismissive of dd. He says she needs to do a HHPP degree - husband hunting and pony patting. I can't give up on her!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 01/07/2018 21:14

Well, dd is still at home at 23 but is vastly more grown up and reasonable than when she was at 18. After A levels, she did a level 3 NVQ and did very well because college treated her like an adult. She's starting her first full time job in a few weeks and will be saving to move out. She's had the added bonus of having Aspergers to deal with but has done herself proud.

Your dd sounds like a different kettle of fish though. She will blame you if things don't go the way she wants whether you help or not, so save yourself the stress and let her crack on.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:15

She will blame you if things don't go the way she wants whether you help or not, so save yourself the stress and let her crack on good point!

She really loved it at the open day though Sad she was really grateful that I took her. She'd never organise it herself however

OP posts:
Namechange128 · 01/07/2018 21:19

Agree with others. Dd1 might need a short sharp shock. Maybe for her it'll be a few hours of non graduate work and being a bit broke to help her see. One of my mates did this and came back as a mature student with a lot more focus. It wasn't all sunshine and roses while she found her way (and in hindsight I pity her mum!) but she's a nurse now, and isn't doing any differently from the rest of us who went on the more straightforward path.

More importantly, her tactics are doing a fantastic job of splitting up you and your husband from taking a joint approach, and getting her all of your attention over your other two, who sound like they are struggling also and maybe trying a lot harder.

Can you make a time - schedule in his diary, write a letter in advance, whatever it takes - to see if you and your DH can take a team approach to dd1. That done, focus your attention on your dd2 and DD3 who have their own needs and might be more receptive.

Then do something for yourself. Can you schedule a night out with friends, visit someone away for a weekend, get a massage or a pedicure, whatever works for you?

Namechange128 · 01/07/2018 21:20

Few hours? Meant few yearsConfused

YouTheCat · 01/07/2018 21:21

Also, I told dd when she was 18, she either went to college while it was still free or she got a job. There was no option of going on the dole and sitting on her bum.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:22

Dd2 has just come down and made me a cup of tea god bless her. Still no idea where dd1 is. Think I'm just going to be strong and watch the handmakds tale.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 01/07/2018 21:25

Is she doing the right subject? She has no enthusiasm so better off working for a few years

Labradoodliedoodoo · 01/07/2018 21:25

Tell DH you’ll let him get to grips with DD1 and where she is

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:26

Well we'll see what she gets in the a level she's just taken. If she passes it then maybe she can think about uni. If she fails, then she needs to think again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:27

Dh has just put his head round to say she's been gone an hour and what should he do?

This is bloody typical.

Why do I need to tell him what to bloody do??!!

OP posts:
Yogagirl123 · 01/07/2018 21:27

I feel your pain OP, our DS needs motivating, broken up from college for the summer, no job! Learning to drive, but only because I suggested it! He will need to drive for his career choice. He’s not lazy just struggles with confidence and likes what he knows. Love him to bits though. I have got a list of jobs ready for him, if he’s not got a job he can help me at home, I am disabled so he’s generally willing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread