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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lose my temper because I can't do every single bit of emotional support in my house?

117 replies

Jorah · 01/07/2018 20:39

I've lost my temper and shouted at dd.

Shes repeating another year in the 6th form because she did so badly on As levels. She's changed subjects. I did all the research, we t with her to see colleges and sixth forms, helped her choose new subjects. She's done well this year but STILL isnt working hard.

DH doesn't get involved at all. He listens when I talk to him but never has any practical advice. It's as if he thinks it's all a ridiculous fuss about njthing.

I took dd to a uni open day yesterday she really liked it. She has done one a level this year and reading brween the lines it didn't go well. She has an exam next week for one of her new subjects and just isn't revising.

I can't cope with her. She has no ambition, doesn't seem to get she has to revise, but wants to go to uni.

When we arrived there yesterday she did t even know the name of the course. I arrange everything. If I didn't she'd literally do nothing.

Because she's technically year 13 she seems to have fallen through the cracks at school and has no idea about ucas timelines. I said she needed to email the head of year and she didn't even know who the Head of year was Confused

DH does NOTHING to help her.

I also have a dd taking gcses next year struggling with skin problems and friendship issues and dd3 hates her new secondary school.

I'm just so worn out with it all. I just lost my temper with dd1 as she said she needed to relax - she's done nothing all day apart from ride her horse.

DH has just come down to say that dd1 has disappeared from her room. She's gone out somewhere without telling us (we are very rural)

But he's merrily tidying up in the kitchen, he's just expecting me to deal with it

Apologies this is a complete rant.

I wish I had someone to share the emotional burden with.

OP posts:
GlassRed · 01/07/2018 22:08

I think CoffeeOrSleep is spelling it out OP.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 22:08

Sorry. Meant to add but yes I am concerned it might not be the best place for her

OP posts:
LordNibbler · 01/07/2018 22:10

Does she have a job? Most teenagers do and it helps them grow up and learn hard work brings reward. She has a horse, you are willing to get her a car so she's very lucky. But is she getting reward for no work? It seems you are putting in a lot more than she is in all this. I think she has a lot of growing up to do. While she is relying on you to do everything for her she has no incentive to put effort into her own life. I'm betting she has a nice allowance, a nice phone, she has her horse and will be getting a car. She's got a great life already without much effort.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 22:13

She actually doesn't get an allowance at all. She works in a pub twice a week and babysits. Her sports coaching is voluntary. She does quite a lot really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 22:15

She doesn't get an allowance because she has a horse!! She's not a complete spolit brat, just far far too reliant on me for all her emotional support.

OP posts:
GlassRed · 01/07/2018 22:18

Perhaps she's just not ambitious then, as you said in your OP. Not everyone is. It doesn't necessarily have to be a problem as such, maybe just let her roll with her life as it is and take the natural consequences. She might be happier.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 22:20

She's back. I said hi. She looked a bit amazed that I was happily watching the handmaid tale with a glass of wine

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 01/07/2018 22:21

She does sound a little spoilt though. She has the horse, she's constantly nagging you about getting a car and she "demands" you do her applications for her... I had a hoeze at that age, I was the easiest teenager ever - if I stepped out of line my parents said the horse would have to be sold..

I'd write it all down for her. Deadlines etc. Pin it in her room, but tell her its up to her to get herself organised. If she misses it, there's always next year and it might be a wake up call..

LordNibbler · 01/07/2018 22:21

Believe me I wasn't implying she was spoilt. And I've had to deal with a lazy teenager who was capable of so much more than they put in. It's so hard trying to get them to realise that things have a time constraint. Things need to be discussed, forms to be filled in. We as parents want the best for them, sometimes they can't see they need to move their behinds and actually contribute to their own future. The mental load should be shared and it seems you are carrying it all. In the end it will all work out, these things do. But you shouldn't have so much on your shoulders. It's too hard for one person, you cannot keep carrying the whole family.

nolongersurprised · 01/07/2018 22:24

Isn’t a car a fairly standard thing for very rural teens though? When I was at high school all my friends who loved on farms and boarded at school pretty much got cars as soon as they could. Otherwise their parents had to drive them continuously.

SleepPatternOfABat · 01/07/2018 22:25

Yes, it's massively unfair that you get to carry the mental load.

fannyanddick · 01/07/2018 22:25

Would it help to say that you see that she finds it hard to schedule the revision time that she needs herself. So you are going to schedule it for her. 1 hour (or whatever you think) every evening before or after tea. At the dinner table, no talking. Must happen without fail. All three could do it. Plus get dh's buy in in enforcing it.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 22:25

Thats how I feel. That I'm carrying everyone. It's so. So hard.

OP posts:
sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 01/07/2018 22:27

I would make her buy her own car with whatever she earns from her pub work etc. She certainly hasn't "earned" one by putting in any effort at school.

Sparklesocks · 01/07/2018 22:27

Agree with PPs, it might be that because you have always provided a cushion when she falls - or an alternative option (eg changing courses - retaking exams etc) she doesn’t have a sense of what it means to fail and have to work out what her next move is.

I know it’s really tough as you love her and want her to do well, but it might be the step back will give her the kick she needs to start taking responsibility.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 22:28

Yes, cars are normal here otherwise that's one more thing parents have to do! Also the horse is on one hand a luxury but on the other hand he's a huge amount of work for dd. We don't have a groom (apart from me!) so she looks after him herself

OP posts:
SleepPatternOfABat · 01/07/2018 22:29

What would happen if you left DD1and your DH to their own devices, and focused on you and your younger two? Just hypothetically.

Grey rock them. 'Hmm, yes, ask your father.' 'Hmm, yes, ask DD.'

SassitudeandSparkle · 01/07/2018 22:31

Glad she is back safe and sound, OP. Keep chilling with your wine!

I also think you should back right off - you are doing way too much for her. She may be more motivated if she has to do all the research and pick the options herself. If not - then it doesn't happen. It's down to her. If she needs this much support to get through school then Uni is going to be a big shock to the system.

Original poster
Jorah · 01/07/2018 22:32

I'm going to try!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 01/07/2018 22:33

I'd look into those courses 45 minutes away and see about getting her an old banger to get her there. A little independence could be the making of her.

Maelstrop · 01/07/2018 22:33

Is the horse at home? If not, how does she get to him? Buy her a bloody bike for transport, sod the car.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 01/07/2018 22:35

I might be reading too much into this, but it seems like you have accidentally fallen into a pattern of taking everyone's needs on and putting yourself last?

Give DD1 a little time to process the open day she attended, and then maybe sit down with her AND DH, and have a chat about what she hopes to do, how she is going to get there, and what help she might need from each of you (but not let her get too caught up with the car).

The way you talk about DH, it seems like he isn't unwilling to be useful, just is struggling to know what to do - which is why I wonder if it is because you always sort everything out? Maybe just an honest, non blamey conversation to shre the load a bit more might help?

PumpkinPiloter · 01/07/2018 22:39

Perhaps she may be better leaving education for a little while and getting a job. She does not sound ready to commit to a university course ad work hard enough to get the most out of it. She may need to work for a while to give her motivation to study in order to get a better job. She can even redo A levels at some point and universities often look favourably on applications from people with more life experience.

MumW · 01/07/2018 22:48

She won't survive at uni with that kind of attitude and will end up in debt without anything to show for it.
It's hard but I think you need to stop doing things for her. By all means 'nag' her but if it doesn't get done it's down to her.
"You need to do X and Y, I can't do it for you." "Have you done X yet?"

She can still go to uni in a few years time when she finally realises that life needs to be worked at.

Homebird8 · 01/07/2018 22:56

I was pushed at school for not working although plenty bright enough. I hated it and got frozen by fear and inertia. However I was enthusiastic about my chosen degree subject (partly because everyone said i’d Never do it). I got to uni and worked my little socks off ending up with a good first degree and a PhD in an area I still work in 25 years later.

Rather than pushing her actions try exploring her emotions and thoughts if she’ll let you in. And get her the car. There’s no point planning stuff if you’re always reliant on someone else to facilitate.

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