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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lose my temper because I can't do every single bit of emotional support in my house?

117 replies

Jorah · 01/07/2018 20:39

I've lost my temper and shouted at dd.

Shes repeating another year in the 6th form because she did so badly on As levels. She's changed subjects. I did all the research, we t with her to see colleges and sixth forms, helped her choose new subjects. She's done well this year but STILL isnt working hard.

DH doesn't get involved at all. He listens when I talk to him but never has any practical advice. It's as if he thinks it's all a ridiculous fuss about njthing.

I took dd to a uni open day yesterday she really liked it. She has done one a level this year and reading brween the lines it didn't go well. She has an exam next week for one of her new subjects and just isn't revising.

I can't cope with her. She has no ambition, doesn't seem to get she has to revise, but wants to go to uni.

When we arrived there yesterday she did t even know the name of the course. I arrange everything. If I didn't she'd literally do nothing.

Because she's technically year 13 she seems to have fallen through the cracks at school and has no idea about ucas timelines. I said she needed to email the head of year and she didn't even know who the Head of year was

DH does NOTHING to help her.

I also have a dd taking gcses next year struggling with skin problems and friendship issues and dd3 hates her new secondary school.

I'm just so worn out with it all. I just lost my temper with dd1 as she said she needed to relax - she's done nothing all day apart from ride her horse.

DH has just come down to say that dd1 has disappeared from her room. She's gone out somewhere without telling us (we are very rural)

But he's merrily tidying up in the kitchen, he's just expecting me to deal with it

Apologies this is a complete rant.

I wish I had someone to share the emotional burden with.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:30

yoga girl I think dd struggles with confidence although she comes across as cocky.

She passed her test a month ago and just keeps on and on about a car. We have said we will get her one (there's absolutely no public transport where we are so we have to drive her everywhere) wjen we sell an old car that we have (a big old 4x4 that we don't need). But she just keeps on and on about it

OP posts:

GlassRed · 01/07/2018 21:33

I think its good you took her to open days - its hard to arrange that yourself at 18 tbh. Also it is helpful to "talk" to your 16/17/18 year old about what to do - to help them - but they have to put effort into it too. Otherwise its pointless. What does "no ambition" mean? Is she socially OK? Happy generally? Able to organise herself in other ways? Is her only "blind spot" exams and academia?

(Also agree with those who said look after yourself, a weekend away, days in bed with nice novels etc, spas, flouncing round the shops, or some days out, visits to friends, whatever floats your boat.)

coolwalking · 01/07/2018 21:37

Unless she needs to go to university in order to do a specific career, I would discourage it. There are so many degrees now which mean nothing and will not help her get a job.
Your husband should be your partner in this. Why is he not bothered about her lack of ambition? Are there hard working role models in your family?

KingscoteStaff · 01/07/2018 21:38

'Sorry, darling, what did you say you were going to do?'

Original poster

Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:38

Yes, exams are her blind spot. Her coursework is good, teachers love her, she's diligent. Her memory is not great and she gets extra time but she get bamboozled easily. She's very sociable and good with people. She's an assistant sports coach and the young ones think she's amazing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:39

Are there hard working role models in your family?

Yes, dh and I!

OP posts:

Chandlierheights · 01/07/2018 21:41

How long has your husband been telling your DD that the only thing she’s worthy of is finding a man?

Original poster

Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:41

He's never said that to her.

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GetOffTheTableMabel · 01/07/2018 21:43

Why ON EARTH would you buy her a car? Has she earned a car by applying herself to her studies? Has she shown any sense of responsibility towards the things that are her responsibility?
If she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to behave like one. Respect is earned.
As for your dh, I’d answer all his questions with a question “ what shall we do? .....I don’t know, what do you think?” Or just say, “whatever, you think dear”.

GlassRed · 01/07/2018 21:44

Her memory is not great and she gets extra time - I am a bit surprised at this, don't you only get extra time if there is a specific problem?

If I were you I'd coast along until "A" level results. Then you will see the lie of the land. If she's done poorly again, I think you need to put things more in her court. I think YoutheCat has some good experience how things can work out well with this approach.

YouTheCat · 01/07/2018 21:45

I'd encourage her towards something more vocational to do with sports if that's what she's into. She'll enjoy it and there are usually no exams, just coursework and continual assessment. She can get into uni via this route plus she'll be a few years more mature.

GlassRed · 01/07/2018 21:46

I meant diagnosed problem. Just puzzled by that.

Original poster

Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:47

She was assessed at the school SEN dept a few years ago and she was borderline for some working memory issues. That got her extra time (which she doesn't aleuas use tbh). She didn't do Too badly in her gcses though

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Original poster

Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:48

cat she wants to do a sports science degree. Tbf she's quite interested in it.

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GlassRed · 01/07/2018 21:49

Agree with YouTheCat about finding something that plays to her strengths to begin with and then the field is left open for her to make other choices when she's more mature. Finding some kind of independence might be good for her and give you a break!!!!!!!

YouTheCat · 01/07/2018 21:50

There are tonnes of NVQ level 3 sports courses.

Original poster

Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:51

Finding some kind of independence might be good for her and give you a break!!!!!!!

Yes! The degree she was looking at does a year abroad! Bliss!!

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Original poster

Jorah · 01/07/2018 21:53

Not near us cat

The nearest btec diploma is a 45 minute drive away. She's doing a Btec certificate in health science (worth an a level) as well as two a levels

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ArcheryAnnie · 01/07/2018 21:56

If she's borderline on some SEN issues, might it be worth asking the school SEN people to help her organise herself? It's sometimes easier for teenagers to respond to help and authority from people outside the family than from their parents.

SleepPatternOfABat · 01/07/2018 21:57

Your middle DC with skin problems and GCSEs - that was me, once. My dad completely bowed out of even acknowledging it, my mum couldn't manage to deal with it either, my older sibs cared about their cars and friends, my younger sibs were so unhappy but no-one knew except me and I took that on as well, and it all came home to roost in the end.

I wish my mum had extricated herself from my dad tbh but she wouldn't.

Are you able to think at all about becoming independent again?

HyacinthsBucket70 · 01/07/2018 21:57

You need to let her grow up, in the nicest possible way. She has to start making decisions for herself at some point, even bad ones and it's so so hard to stand back and let them fall but that's the only way they learn. I've been right where you are, we have 3 DDs and it's been so draining at times. I've always listened and supported but never enabled them to sit back and wait for life to happen for them. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences and take responsibility for them.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 01/07/2018 21:58

Well, if you watch the Handmaid's Tale, as you said, everything else in life should seem easier, after the grimness of Gilead!

It's hard now, but it will get better, just take care of yourself.

Original poster

Jorah · 01/07/2018 22:00

SleepPatternOfABat an unmumsnetty hug for you as a teen. I've taken dd2 to see the doc about her skin and he's prescribed the pill so we are hoping it might help. I've also sat with her and helped her organise her desk and books. She's very driven academically so enjoys being tested and being bought revision guides etc. She wants to do really wll, her issue will be putting too much pressure on herself

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CoffeeOrSleep · 01/07/2018 22:02

Uni would be terrible for someone who needs to be pushed. She just won't do it.

Back off. Back right off.

She sounds like she would be better just getting a job, rather than studying. At least for a year or so until she's grown up a bit and accepted if she wants to get qualifications, it'll take work.

Not everyone is suited to further and higher education.

Original poster

Jorah · 01/07/2018 22:07

She doesnt need to be pushed for coursework. She always does that well and by herself

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