To lose my temper because I can't do every single bit of emotional support in my house?

[Jorah]

I've lost my temper and shouted at dd.

Shes repeating another year in the 6th form because she did so badly on As levels. She's changed subjects. I did all the research, we t with her to see colleges and sixth forms, helped her choose new subjects. She's done well this year but STILL isnt working hard.

DH doesn't get involved at all. He listens when I talk to him but never has any practical advice. It's as if he thinks it's all a ridiculous fuss about njthing.

I took dd to a uni open day yesterday she really liked it. She has done one a level this year and reading brween the lines it didn't go well. She has an exam next week for one of her new subjects and just isn't revising.

I can't cope with her. She has no ambition, doesn't seem to get she has to revise, but wants to go to uni.

When we arrived there yesterday she did t even know the name of the course. I arrange everything. If I didn't she'd literally do nothing.

Because she's technically year 13 she seems to have fallen through the cracks at school and has no idea about ucas timelines. I said she needed to email the head of year and she didn't even know who the Head of year was

DH does NOTHING to help her.

I also have a dd taking gcses next year struggling with skin problems and friendship issues and dd3 hates her new secondary school.

I'm just so worn out with it all. I just lost my temper with dd1 as she said she needed to relax - she's done nothing all day apart from ride her horse.

DH has just come down to say that dd1 has disappeared from her room. She's gone out somewhere without telling us (we are very rural)

But he's merrily tidying up in the kitchen, he's just expecting me to deal with it

Apologies this is a complete rant.

I wish I had someone to share the emotional burden with.

My parents wouldn’t have known when you needed to submit university applications or when the open days were, that wasn’t their job. It won’t be mine with the dc either. If they forget that they aren’t ready for uni

Most parents i know at least know when open days are, even if they don't always go. Will you expect your dcs to sort open days themselves? travelling there and paying for it?

There's a halfway house between beign a helicopter parent and not taking any interest at all surely!

I think I only went to open days with one of mine. The others went with groups of friends or sixth form laid on a trip. I worked in a school and couldn't take days off during term time.

Different country, large city and typically go to university in the same city so it’s more like crossing London to be fair, and they would drive to the ones less close to trains but they’d drive because we asked and told them when :)

It’s not taking no interest , they were very interested and we all have good degrees. But they saw doing those things for us as doing our homework for us, which doesn’t actually help children.

OK that's completely different set of circumstances

I've already said we live very rurally, train service isn't brilliant, no other public transport. Most parents here drive their dcs to open days. Honestly I am not going to justify taking her to an open day!!

I don’t have any problem with taking her- I just said my parents would take us to some. But they would be asked if they could take us to x university for the open day on 26th September. Not my parents saying would you like to go to x open day? It’s 26th sept.

I think you're angry with DD1 above all. You need to back off and let her get on with it. She's either 18, or practically 18 in Y13 so she needs to start growing up a bit and taking responsibility

What about Ag college? Bishop Burton or somewhere like that? She could initially do a course below degree level and see how she progresses.

My lazy arse DS1 bombed his Alevels and did a foundation year at Uni. It was the making of him.

Just had a quick look. She could do a BTec level 3 in Sports Coaching at Bishop Burton and progress it to a degree if she wanted to. She could even take her horse with her.

My God daughter went there and had a pretty good time, came out with a 2.1 and now teaches in a high school.

If she has another year of school that’s a good timeframe to start to guide (push) her towards more self reliance and independence. Start gradually and have short term goals for her to achieve and expect to feel a bit crap if you know the easy way to find a solution to a problem yet let her figure it out for herself.

I’d write a list of areas in which she needs to grow and share it with her or write it together. It’s an easy trap to fall into and although it makes life easy for the teen for Mum to sort everything out it also leads to resentments from the teen that Mum sorts everything out .

DH needs much the same. You have to watch him struggle with some of this and stop yourself jumping up to intervene. If he asks how to sort something out or what to do just shrug and say he will work it out. Maybe instead of telling him that dd3 is unhappy, ask him to come up with some practical suggestions on how to help her. Men often like to fix a problem but can’t stand hearing about a problem they cannot solve.

Physically remove yourself a bit more and gradually hand over the reigns of responsibility to both of them. I often tell DH that if I was dead he’d jolly well have to remember which bins go out each week. He still asks, unfortunately.

I've just finished 4 back to back weekends of University open days around the country and didn't see any kids without parents/guardians at all.

I was also going to suggest an agricultural college like Bishop Burton or some kind of foundation course.

Any progress with DH OP? It used to drive me mad when DH would suddenly have a rant about some life skill he thought the dc were not doing properly eg table manners, washing their faces properly. I just wanted to laugh - who do you think should have taught them better? Oh, right, their parent!

I think there's a difference between a parent organising an open day trip and a 6th former getting all the details and asking a parent to go with them/drive them there. That's exactly what I did, I arranged four visits, booked on, got the dates, locations, times etc and my dad drove me there and visited with me. He might have asked the odd question when we were there, but I did all the leg work organising the visits.

Actually, dad did sort out our packed lunch and driving directions!!

Good luck OP, it sounds really stressful.

Only read the first few of your posts as doing kids bed routine, but bloody hell, I sympathise with you having a DH who makes EVERYTHING about him. Yup, mine does that. Everything becomes about him and his feelings.

OP, this thread is mostly about DD1. Please make sure that DD2 and DD3 aren't overlooked. It sounds as though they have issues which need attention too

Sympathise with you having a DH who doesn't get involved. Does he sit back because he assumes you will do everything?

You need to let them both do the thinking for themselves - your daughter and your husband.