To think having a baby is more a woman's decision

[gigigigigigigig]

Maybe I am being U but hear me out.

Me and DP both want kids. We are the same age, late 20s. I have long said I don't want to be an older mum - I have nothing against people who do that, but I personally don't wish to have children older myself. Women in my family have had problems getting and staying pregnant over 30, and I've always thought I would have a child before 30. (I'm not saying 30 is an old mum btw).

I know life doesn't always go to plan, but for years DP has said the same. We are still not quite at the point to have kids, but I was hoping in 2 years or so we would be. But now, DP is saying things that are frustrating me. He says "people have kids in their 40s now, late 30s is a good time to have kids as we will have more money." I said in an ideal world, but in reality people who wait that long often experience fertility problems. He's having none of it, he says he wants children but maybe wants to half pay off the mortgage before having one (we haven't even bought a house yet!)

His attitude annoys me, as while yes, a child affects both parents, it's me who would go through morning sickness, pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding and looking after the child for the most part. I agree it's a decision for both parents, but surely a woman's wishes are ever so slightly higher than a man's as it's her body that will be affected? Maybe 51:49. He wants children, probably more than me actually, so that's not the issue. I'm just saying if we have children, I want to do it younger as I don't want to go through the stress to my body and possible fertility complications as an older mum. I know men can have issued with fertility too, but there are so many more things that can affect a woman's ability to bear a child. AIBU?

No, in this situation it's 100% for the person that doesn't want a child. Either sex.

Pre pregnancy, it's a joint thing.

Once pregnant, it's 100% up to the woman.

He does want one, more than me. He just wants to do it older, whereas I don't want to put my body through that in 10-15 years. I'm talking more about the timing.

The wishes of the person who doesn't want one yet trump's the wishes of the person who does.

You seem to have conflated a couple of issues here.

Ultimately 'having' a baby is a woman's choice, it is after all her body. But no-one should coerce, force or entrap anyone into parenthood.

If 30 is a red line for you, tell him and see if he will reconsider. Otherwise, he is perfectly entitled to say he would prefer to wait.

I have to say I agree with you. I married at 27 and we started trying straight away but I miscarried on the first and we had to wait for things to settle down again before we got pregnant and by then I was just about 30. A second miss before my second meant we have a long age gap which I didn't want but it couldn't be helped. It can actually be quite hard to get pregnant and stay pregnant sometimes and the older you get the more likely it is. I felt miffed off that nobody ever told me it could be so hard, I just assumed from sex ed that once you were off contraception it happened fairly quickly and had no idea miscarriages were so common. Good luck whatever you do. X

You’re understandably upset that his feelings seem to have changed, and that he is (deliberately?) seeming ignorant or cavalier attitude about fertility.

But YABU to suggest a woman should get more say in the decision whether or not to ttc. Both people need to want a DC.

If he definitely doesn’t want (marriage and?) DC within your timescale, you’ll need to decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you.

It would have been for me.

Does he realise how risky it could be waiting until late 30s to start trying for a child?
I'd be worried he's changed his mind about the relationship and/or children. Personally I wouldn't allow someone to potentially string me along until I was too old to have children. Tell him you're cut off it xx (maybe 32 for compromise) and you'll assume he doesn't want to continue the relationship if he's not interested in having children by then.

Keeping a baby is a woman's decision. Making a baby should be an informed joint decision between both parents. If one says no then it should be a no. I get how frustrating it is, I'm 36 and had my first this year, that isn't what I originally planned for my life, but there you go. But you need to have your partner on board, basically. You can't brow beat him or make him have a baby with you if he doesn't want to or isn't ready.

I actually think that the feelings of the person who doesn't want kids, or who wants to wait, take priority regardless of whether they are male or female. Nobody should be pushed into parenthood earlier than they're comfortable with.

YANBU to discuss your concerns with your partner, especially if you have concerns about health etc. If you are really concerned about it you could even put a time limit on, and say you aren't willing to wait beyond c date even if that means breaking up. That would be extreme, but you know if it's something you would feel strongly enough about.

It is equally both persons decision in that both parties get a veto. I understand that you are concerned about ending up childless but you have absolutely no right to demand children from him. If you don't like it leave and find someone else.

Leaving it until your late 30s would be a massive risk fertility wise: if he really doesn’t know this he can easily read up.

(I mean before conception btw - once a woman is pregnant it is her decision alone whether to continue the pregnancy)

I tend to agree that if you don't want to be an older mum, you do need to give it to him straight, and he might need to compromise. In the case of a family with, say, 1 or 2 children where one partner wants more but the other doesn't, the one who doesn't has final say. But I think this is different. Both of you want children. Imagine the resentment if you wait til you're 38 and then can't conceive?

I think it’s a 50:50 decision but I do think he’s being very naive and potentially putting the two of you having children at risk.
I’d be tempted to pay for an appointment with a fertility specialist to explain everything to him.

Oh and yes, it might be a deal breaker if he really doesn't want to have them yet. You can't force him.

I think he's being unreasonable as the risks of waiting are unarguable, especially given your family history. I agree with PP about a fertility expert as unfortunately some men may respond better to the same point made by an expert rather than their partner...

Yes it's your choice about when you have a baby. If the man you're with wants the choice of putting a woman through pregnancy when it's dangerous or indeed, too late, then he should look for a woman who is willing to risk that and you should look for a man who wants a baby at the same time as you.

He's asking you to take the risk that he leaves you for a 28 year old when you're 40 and haven't got round to having kids yet because he vetoed your fertility at the time you could have had them easily.

It's up to you if you want to take that risk.

Yabu.
You can't force him to have children he doesn't want yet.

The risks of leaving it later are higher for the woman.

You say he wants kids more than you do so why has he changed his mind and now wants to wait at least another decade? I know hes given you reasons but they're pretty flimsy to be honest.

He wants to pay off half your mortgage first but you don't even have a mortgage??

Hes not acting like a man you wants kids op. I think you need to have a serious conversation. Maybe hes changed his mind and thats his right but its unfair of him to string you along.

If he insists that he does want children then you have to make it clear what your cut off point is. You don't want to leave it too late.

I doubt he actually IS ignorant.

He may have changed his mind about DC, or the relationship.

Pregnancy in late (ish) 30s sucks. Breezed through my first at 33/4, hating it at 37, much more tired. Anecdotal I guess but wish I'd married and had kids earlier because toddlers are tiring!