To think having a baby is more a woman's decision

[gigigigigigigig]

Maybe I am being U but hear me out.

Me and DP both want kids. We are the same age, late 20s. I have long said I don't want to be an older mum - I have nothing against people who do that, but I personally don't wish to have children older myself. Women in my family have had problems getting and staying pregnant over 30, and I've always thought I would have a child before 30. (I'm not saying 30 is an old mum btw).

I know life doesn't always go to plan, but for years DP has said the same. We are still not quite at the point to have kids, but I was hoping in 2 years or so we would be. But now, DP is saying things that are frustrating me. He says "people have kids in their 40s now, late 30s is a good time to have kids as we will have more money." I said in an ideal world, but in reality people who wait that long often experience fertility problems. He's having none of it, he says he wants children but maybe wants to half pay off the mortgage before having one (we haven't even bought a house yet!)

His attitude annoys me, as while yes, a child affects both parents, it's me who would go through morning sickness, pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding and looking after the child for the most part. I agree it's a decision for both parents, but surely a woman's wishes are ever so slightly higher than a man's as it's her body that will be affected? Maybe 51:49. He wants children, probably more than me actually, so that's not the issue. I'm just saying if we have children, I want to do it younger as I don't want to go through the stress to my body and possible fertility complications as an older mum. I know men can have issued with fertility too, but there are so many more things that can affect a woman's ability to bear a child. AIBU?

I always wanted a baby around the age of 32. We started trying just after I turned 32 and it took me nearly 2.5 years to conceive. We were told we'd need IVF, although we managed to conceive naturally, but I was firmly in the over 35 camp when DS finally arrived.

You just don't know what problems life is going to throw at you, and with your family history, you're right to want to get cracking. That said, the only way to get past this is to convince your DH or agree to a compromise/deadline.

He needs to understand that there is almost NEVER a 'perfect' time to have a baby, there will always be a reason to put it off. I agree that you can't do it without his agreement, but it's also a two-way street. If it really is a dealbreaker for you, then tell him that, and worst case scenario he lets you go, rather than you wasting your time on someone who won't commit.

He is entitled to say he doesn’t want dc at this point.
However I completely see where you are coming from as I feel the same way myself.
So you are equally entitled to say I don’t want dc as late as eating towards the end of your childbearing years because of risks/general toll it takes.
You would not be unreasonable to say it’s a deal breaker for you, and you will find someone else who wants dc earlier. Or not have them at all, if you don’t like that thought of having them late on.
I just think if everyone waited until 40 to have a dc, there would be so much infertility. Then if the next generation did the same, no one would get grandchildren until they are 80! Which is such a sad thought.

If one person isn’t ready and doesn’t agree to TTC then it’s always, 100%, down to that person’s wishes. As nobody should ever be forced to have a child they don’t want, for their and the child’s sake, no matter how broody the other partner is.

Sadly I don’t think he’s that interested in actually realistically having kids if he is trying to delay this much. He knows the risks. He knows you’ll be higher risk with less chance of a baby. He’s kicking the can down the road cos he doesn’t want to lose you, but he doesn’t actually want children (with you or at all, or until such a time as you’ll be unable to be their mother).

Your options here are to leave and meet someone who wants what you do, or agree to wait until late thirties in the knowledge that you may be unable to have children at all and you may not even be with this man permanently anyway.

I know what I’d do.

No way I would've stayed with someone at your age who was all for kids then suddenly decided they wanted to wait 10 years whilst your potential fertility drops off a cliff.

If you go with his plan you may never have children, can you live with that?

Do you know anyone personally who is having babies in their 40's? People don't declare how many miscarriages they've had, or what help they have had to get pregnant.

IVF won't be there for people who have just waited, the Doctors themselves want it stopped for that reason.

I would take it that he is keeping you sweet. Wait around much longer and even if you do split, it may not happen for you.

Does he have any idea of the risks in your 40s; not only of infertility, but of things like downs syndrome and gestational diabetes? Unfortunately as someone else said he is kicking the can and you may have to present this as a dealbreaker.

Sorry OP if he isn't ready and you know your family fertility history, then you need to find someone who is. You can't force him otherwise you will rnd up spliting up with a child or children in a few years

And I'm saying that as someone who is pregnant over 40. In my case there were no issues at all but again like you I know my family fertility history.

Mmmmm red flag op! Men can afford to wait. Often stringing it out until their partners are too old and then piss off for a younger model.

Stuff that. He’s gaslighting you. We had all our 6 by 36 and no way would I have wanted to be older so so much easier in your twenties.

Please don't have a baby with someone who dsnt want one yet. It seems so lovely and romantic but nothing puts a relationship under mor pressure, even when you both agree absolutely on the details.. please don't end up like me

U must have a conversation and come up with a clear plan. Serious red flags wanting to wait that long.

I’m an older mum and circumstances meant I didn’t have a choice but I wish I could have had kids earlier, when I had more energy and I would also have had more kids.

I agree with you op but lots won't. It's easy for men to be blase about fertility because theirs doesn't decline in the same way that a woman's does. I would be raging that he is changing the goalposts like this tbh.

If he doesn’t want one now that’s his wish and his right so no a woman doesn’t get a right over that, however given the fact you’ve explained you don’t want to be an older Mum and explained why should in 5/10 years time you say “I never wanted to be an older Mum so don’t want kids now” that is also reasonable.

The person who doesn’t want a baby gets the casting vote on conception. Mother only gets a decision when pregnant.

I think you need to explore the U turn and consider ending the relationship to find someone who is sensible, committed and wants the same as you.

It would also be reasonable to state “we don’t want the same things so I suggest we separate”

I don't think its anything other than 50:50 at this point.

Tell him you want to do it in a couple of years and why. Ask him to read up on fertility risks and make sure he knows your family history. Ultimately he has to agree as the only other option is somehow duping him which would clearly be diabolical.

Given what you have said though I would follow your instincts and not wait. Make it clear to him that you are serious about this and if he is serious about waiting think very carefully about what you want and whether you can accept another ten years with no baby and the worry and risk involved.

You have to both agree when is best for you both to ttc. Compatable relationships are built on foundations like this. Mutual agreement of when it happens.

If one of you doesnt want kids now, then kids now dont happen.

What I think you ought to do with this information is decide whether you remain compatable. Its a major decision. Life changing. If you both arent on the same page (or at least in the same chapter!) then you have some big decisions to make.

i agree with others. My oldest two were born in my twenties and youngest at 34. My latest pregnancy was much tougher despite being a healthy pregnancy, it just took is toll on my body and thete were more side effcts. I have also found it much harder energy wise with all the night feeds etc.

I would always advocate having babies as early as is reasonable once in a committed relationship even without potential fertility problems and I know several mums in their 30s who have had multiple miscarriages, ivf or just a lengthy time ttc.

There are Soooooooo many threads like this.

In all honesty this sounds like he does want DC - but not with you.

Lots of us mners have seen this happen in real life. A couple are together, even possibly married but usually not but certainly living together and one thinks this is a committed for life relationship. One isn't truly committed but possibly thinks they are and what they really feel is subconscious.

That actually who they're with is not the person they really want to commit to.

So they delay wedding, delay buying a house, and most crucially delay having DC.

Things come to a head, at this point it's not unusual for the relationship to break down - and then they very quickly get into a new relationship, and they're married, bought a house together and she's pregnant in a very fast amount of time. And where it's the man that's less committed the new relationship is often with someone younger so age at pregnancy is less of an issue.

Men have the luxury of time. Women don't - that's fact. Women's fertility declines, but also being older increases the risk of genetic problems, mc, pregnancy complications, birth difficulties.

Does he genuinely not understand this? Or does he not care because he's not thinking he'll actually have DC with you?

So I do get where you're coming from, but I also agree having a child with someone who isn't yet ready or who is possibly not really committed to staying with you is an awful idea. For you and the child.

Having a child is a huge life change that puts massive pressure on the best relationships, let alone any with cracks.

I agree with all the pp's who are pointing out red flags.

But maybe he doesn't really understand fertility issues, what with older celebrity mothers so much in the news. In which case he needs a few facts spelling out. And as an older mother I would definitely encourage you to crack on and have them young if you can, not just for fertility/ health reasons.

Why am I an older mother? Simple reason, I wanted to have children within a committed relationship but didn't have one! So it all happened very quickly in my late 30's, dd1 at 40 dd2 at 42. I'm very lucky, no fertility problems.

Problems? My children are twenty years younger than their cousins as my sisters are all older than me and had children in their 20's. So basically my children have no relationship with their cousins. My sisters did lots of holiday childcare swaps which was great for them and their children who all remain close. I had to go it alone. For the most part the attitude of my sisters, dd's aunts, was thank God we don't have small children any more, so no help from them when they were young. Plus they criticised me for letting ageing Grandparents take the strain occasionally, and God knows, that's not something we did without worrying about safety awareness, ageing parents driving etc. And my children barely know their cousins which I think is a shame.

And now I have reached an age when I just feel exhausted a lot of the time, teenagers still need lots of time, money and attention, most of my friends my age are retired and spending their time having lots of holidays etc, I am scrabbling away still working full time, supporting teens and Uni fees etc and not saving a penny towards retirement. But at least I am still healthy - I see many people my age checking in for hip replacements, or much worse health problems in which case life would be much harder for us all.
DH is a few years younger and very fit so we have much to be grateful for as far as health goes.

So what I'm saying is if your DP is serious about wanting children but worrying about money etc, eg re paying off a load of mortgage first, I would say it's better to struggle a bit now while you are younger and have more energy and time to catch up after. Plus fertility issues. So if he's genuine get on with it. Or get out while you can. Don't wait until it's too late and then see him run off with a younger partner and promptly have children with them while you have missed out on the chance. I've seen that quite a few times too.

I would/could never have been with a man who didn't want kids. And YANBU to be concerned.

I have yet to meet anyone who struggled to conceive in their early 20's. It's always women who are 32/33 plus.

I remember having a casual chat about the future with DH (then my boyfriend) when we’d been together a year or two, we knew we wanted to get married and have kids one day and he initially suggested children when we were late 30s. He was thinking purely about practicalities in terms of total financial security (this was before we were married) - he hadn’t even considered health implications for me, increased risks or anything like that, and it really changed his mind.

We decided to TTC when he was 27 and I was 28. I ended up with severe pre-eclampsia when I had DC1 at 29, the risks for which increase with age, then I had a mc at 31, and DC2 at 32. We won’t be having any more, I’m 33 now and constantly exhausted from the pair of them!

well he definitely doesn't seem to want kids more than you, he says he does, but obviously not, if he's saying maybe in 10 years time!!!!
I personally wouldn't take the risk of waiting until late 30's as, he could either leave you for someone younger or you may struggle to conceive and find you left it too late.
I would talk to him, let him know that you want to try for a baby in 2 years and that is a deal breaker for you, he can think it through and decide if he wants to try in 2 years or he can decide that , no he doesn't want to do that and you can both go your separate ways.
pregnancy is harder the older you are I was 28 when I had my first, 30 when I had my 2nd ,and sailed through both pregnancies, I was 36 when I had my 3rd and was so so tired all the time,cans the getting up during the night feeding baby was harder too, cant imagi e doing it early 40's which i am now, i feel tired just thinking about it

If you're late 20's you already are an older Mum. Sorry to break it to you OP. At 34 you're geriatric. Not even making that up.

If you want them have them now.

Also in your 40s yours and babies life is at so much more risk, including defects and disabilities.

Do you really want to be dealing with an emotional teenage mess when you're in your 60's?

The thought makes me want to be sick to be honest. It's also incredibly selfish to have them so late.

No, the woman doesn't get more say prior to a baby being conceived. However, you absolutely can leave an otherwise "happy" relationship if your attitude and values around something so important vary greatly.

I doubt he is as naive of the risks (older celebrity mothers make the news because they're unusual.) Spell it out to him, just in case, but prepare yourself to leave if your timeline is non-negotiable for you, or a compromise isn't forthcoming.

All the best